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93 Posts
My first post, so I'll provide a lot of back ground, bare with me:
me 47yrs, husband 44, one adult child still at home
dated 19mns b4 getting married, had child 5 1/2mns later
married 20yrs 6mns...in R for 20mns, drama began 2yrs ago.
H has always had a problem with attention seeking and CL, even while dating. After we were married and had our child, he seemed to back off from his bad behavior or at least I didn't know about it...he stopped bragging about how someone that liked him at work or hit on him, claims he was just trying to make me jealous
During the earlier years we mostly fought about his drinking, yes he had/has a problem with alcohol, and money. I think that I can only remember him taunting me about one girl that worked with him at his second job that had a crush on him but most likely the other way around. Anyway, as usual, I told him he could leave at any time if he felt that I wasn't what he wanted anymore...I never have been the jealous type and was not into playing games 
When our child turned 4 I gave my H a choice, his family or an alcoholic beverage. It took a lot of fighting and about a year b4 he stopped drinking. He didn't drink at home for the next decade, what he did away from the house I'll never know but I'm sure he did some drinking.
Things really changed about 13yrs ago when he went to work for his family. He now had more time away from home, a whole new group of friends, more money and a lot more freedom. He was constantly taking trips that he claimed were required for his job and I couldn't go because our child had school...the trips always took place during the school year:scratchhead: Right away there was a girl that worked with him that had a huge crush on him...they had a sports team and she would show up and take pic's of only him!!! He only told me about her after she was fired...she apparently had a serious drinking/drug problem. A few years later, 2004 or 05, he started hanging out with some of his new friends and I was kept in the dark about who and what they truly were. He started going out after work to drink and of course lied about it. He would take some of these friends with him on these trips...one trip was to PR and he took a friend but also took this guy's GF and lied to me about it, I found the ticket stub and it wasn't until 8yrs later that he admitted that she went with
It was about 2008 he started drinking at home again, working late and hanging out with these friends. It was about this time he started talking about his work-wife...I accused him many times of cheating and all he did was gaslight me. Then in 09 I saw an email about how he was trying to pick up a girl at the bar where he stayed at an overnight work event in the city...less than an hour from home. Once again, no proof = crazy wife...claimed that the guys read it wrong and that he was being a gentleman by talking to her and her mother to fend off the other guys that were with him:rofl:
By this time we both had checked out of the marriage emotionally and were just going through the motions. Then he met a guy through a business dealing that upped the ante. My H started buying all new clothes, shoes and started wearing cologne. His trips became more frequent and almost always to LV. By the end of 2010 I knew something was up and that I had to do something. He went to LV again at the end of Jan'11 which was a weekend trip that I could have gone on but he said it was just business and I would be bored. He went with this new friend. When he returned, he was noticeably different, or should I say indifferent towards me. I started looking for evidence, but since he always kept everything locked up tight, it was fruitless. There were 2 more trips to vegas that spring and I was at the end of my rope with him. We were fighting like crazy, and I hated to see him come home at night. Then I got lucky...
He drank too much and left his email unlocked two weekends in a row in the beginning of May. I searched through thousands and thousands of email going back to the end of last year. I didn't find anything much between him and any girls but the emails back and forth with his guy friends were enough...going to strip clubs, posing as tv producers while in LV, and so on. Of course when I showed him the lies started to roll. I then hacked into his cell phone and found some flirty texts between him and girls he does business with, nothing confirming that they were having an affair, but close enough.
By the end of the month, I was done. We had the biggest,end of the world fights we ever had. I told him it was MC or D. He chose MC, his mistake. By the way, the unknown to me OW got a DUI on the same day we had this blow out! KARMA:smthumbup:
On June 6th, two days before our MC sessions are to begin, I find a pic on his phone of a women w/o any message. I of course ask and get the standard answers...I don't know who it is, didn't know it was there, people send me stuff all the time and I can't control it. Two days later MC started...I'll just skip to the part where he agreed to go transparent and give me full access to all his many email accounts and cell phone and phone records. During this time, he had the girls that he was flirting with before and now a new work wife. He minimized the flirting and the work wife to not only me but also our MC. Things move along at a snails pace because he didn't consider anything other then actual sex to be cheating. It was almost a month before I was able to see his detailed phone bill and strangely enough the account locked up a month later but by that time I had down loaded the call longs from Aug 2010.
So I kept chugging along...snooping and checking his emails, found the search log history on his 2 gmail accounts (he was real surprised by that one!)
I found out so, so, so much but no proof of an affair, just a lot of bad behavior which in itself was bad enough for me. It took awhile to go through the all the call logs of the past year, but I did it. I found a LV number that kept showing up when he was out there and even a couple of times when he was home. I honestly didn't think much of it because he does work out there and has a direct line (that now ring our home phone if anyone tries calling it) and has business contacts there. The day I found these we had a MC session and didn't bring it up because I though it was nothing. He actually came home with flowers because he could sense that something was off with me at counseling. He was so right...when I got home I ran the phone number and came up with a girls name. I still didn't think too much of it but was concerned because some of the calls were very late at night.
So, he walks through the door with the biggest, most beautiful flowers I've ever seen and I ask, "who's XX from LV?"
I am going to post what I have written so far because this is getting wayyyyy toooo long and I need an intermission...but I'll be back
xoxo
bobbieb65
me 47yrs, husband 44, one adult child still at home
dated 19mns b4 getting married, had child 5 1/2mns later
married 20yrs 6mns...in R for 20mns, drama began 2yrs ago.
H has always had a problem with attention seeking and CL, even while dating. After we were married and had our child, he seemed to back off from his bad behavior or at least I didn't know about it...he stopped bragging about how someone that liked him at work or hit on him, claims he was just trying to make me jealous
When our child turned 4 I gave my H a choice, his family or an alcoholic beverage. It took a lot of fighting and about a year b4 he stopped drinking. He didn't drink at home for the next decade, what he did away from the house I'll never know but I'm sure he did some drinking.
Things really changed about 13yrs ago when he went to work for his family. He now had more time away from home, a whole new group of friends, more money and a lot more freedom. He was constantly taking trips that he claimed were required for his job and I couldn't go because our child had school...the trips always took place during the school year:scratchhead: Right away there was a girl that worked with him that had a huge crush on him...they had a sports team and she would show up and take pic's of only him!!! He only told me about her after she was fired...she apparently had a serious drinking/drug problem. A few years later, 2004 or 05, he started hanging out with some of his new friends and I was kept in the dark about who and what they truly were. He started going out after work to drink and of course lied about it. He would take some of these friends with him on these trips...one trip was to PR and he took a friend but also took this guy's GF and lied to me about it, I found the ticket stub and it wasn't until 8yrs later that he admitted that she went with
It was about 2008 he started drinking at home again, working late and hanging out with these friends. It was about this time he started talking about his work-wife...I accused him many times of cheating and all he did was gaslight me. Then in 09 I saw an email about how he was trying to pick up a girl at the bar where he stayed at an overnight work event in the city...less than an hour from home. Once again, no proof = crazy wife...claimed that the guys read it wrong and that he was being a gentleman by talking to her and her mother to fend off the other guys that were with him:rofl:
By this time we both had checked out of the marriage emotionally and were just going through the motions. Then he met a guy through a business dealing that upped the ante. My H started buying all new clothes, shoes and started wearing cologne. His trips became more frequent and almost always to LV. By the end of 2010 I knew something was up and that I had to do something. He went to LV again at the end of Jan'11 which was a weekend trip that I could have gone on but he said it was just business and I would be bored. He went with this new friend. When he returned, he was noticeably different, or should I say indifferent towards me. I started looking for evidence, but since he always kept everything locked up tight, it was fruitless. There were 2 more trips to vegas that spring and I was at the end of my rope with him. We were fighting like crazy, and I hated to see him come home at night. Then I got lucky...
He drank too much and left his email unlocked two weekends in a row in the beginning of May. I searched through thousands and thousands of email going back to the end of last year. I didn't find anything much between him and any girls but the emails back and forth with his guy friends were enough...going to strip clubs, posing as tv producers while in LV, and so on. Of course when I showed him the lies started to roll. I then hacked into his cell phone and found some flirty texts between him and girls he does business with, nothing confirming that they were having an affair, but close enough.
By the end of the month, I was done. We had the biggest,end of the world fights we ever had. I told him it was MC or D. He chose MC, his mistake. By the way, the unknown to me OW got a DUI on the same day we had this blow out! KARMA:smthumbup:
On June 6th, two days before our MC sessions are to begin, I find a pic on his phone of a women w/o any message. I of course ask and get the standard answers...I don't know who it is, didn't know it was there, people send me stuff all the time and I can't control it. Two days later MC started...I'll just skip to the part where he agreed to go transparent and give me full access to all his many email accounts and cell phone and phone records. During this time, he had the girls that he was flirting with before and now a new work wife. He minimized the flirting and the work wife to not only me but also our MC. Things move along at a snails pace because he didn't consider anything other then actual sex to be cheating. It was almost a month before I was able to see his detailed phone bill and strangely enough the account locked up a month later but by that time I had down loaded the call longs from Aug 2010.
So I kept chugging along...snooping and checking his emails, found the search log history on his 2 gmail accounts (he was real surprised by that one!)
So, he walks through the door with the biggest, most beautiful flowers I've ever seen and I ask, "who's XX from LV?"
I am going to post what I have written so far because this is getting wayyyyy toooo long and I need an intermission...but I'll be back
xoxo
bobbieb65