[MattMatt]

I realised something today. It sort of surprised me.

I think I understand why affairs with first loves and ex-spouses can happen.

I was in a fairly self-analytical frame of mind this morning whilst walking to work and I realised that I am still in love with almost all of my previous girl friends.

It's like that view you suddenly accidentally get of all the programmes you are running, or all the web tabs you have open when you make the wrong click on a multi-button mouse. When they all appeared like a 3-D layer of different images of each page or document. If you know what I mean.

The love I feel for them is not something I feel all the time, but it is still there, like a computer programme that is constantly running in the background.

If when I had been going through the heartache of my wife's affair and I'd met with at least one particular former girl friend and she had made an interest in rekindling our romance, would I have done so? I am afraid I probably might have. Speaking honestly about this.

So, when someone is going through a tough time with their spouse and an old love appears, I could see problems developing that could put the marriage at great risk.

Anyone else got any thoughts on this?

 

[Cosmos]

I think having loved before gives us the capacity to love more, MattMatt. I sometimes think we're the sum total of all our previous relationships, good and bad, because we either take something positive from them or learn one of life's many lessons.

I still think of my first love with great feeling, and probably always will. However, I'm not the same person I was all those years ago, and I'm pretty sure he isn't either.

 

[sigma1299]

I think old flames have the potential to blow right through boundaries that would make you stop strangers cold in their tracks.

Once someone has a place in your heart they pretty much always will. How you feel about it may change, but their place holder I don't think ever really completely goes away.

 

[MattMatt]

I think having loved before gives us the capacity to love more, MattMatt. I sometimes think we're the sum total of all our previous relationships, good and bad, because we either take something positive from them or learn one of life's many lessons.

I still think of my first love with great feeling, and probably always will. However, I'm not the same person I was all those years ago, and I'm pretty sure he isn't either.

I'm not the same person I was all those years ago, and I'm pretty sure he isn't either

But in our minds they probably are. Especially if our present relationship is going sour...

 

[MattMatt]

There's one previous girl friend I still think of a lot. We broke up in 1982. Even though she sent me a Dear John letter, I do still think of her. Sort of stuck, perhaps because of how it ended? Maybe.

 

[arbitrator]

My Ex(mother of my sons) divorced in 1998 because she was a corporate climber and ended up sleeping with a company VP to get a big promotion, although she denies it despite the more than damning circumstantial evidence. She got a huge raise out of it, and I'm sure that she gave her VP one as well!

She didn't really like it when I got remarried in 2004. And now that I'm currently engaged in a most contentious divorce with "Miss 2004," my Ex is one of the biggest cheerleaders in my getting out of this second marriage.

Truth be told, she'd absolutely do handstands to be able to rehook back up with me. I've remained friendly, but rather distant toward her, mostly talking to her only about the welfare of our college aged sons. And I wouldn't reconsider a relationship with her anymore than the man in the moon~ she cheated on me, denied it, lied about it and she has had her chance. The only care that I have for her is now is simply that she is the mother of my two wonderful sons~nothing more, nothing less!

 

[MattMatt]

My Ex(mother of my sons) divorced in 1998 because she was a corporate climber and ended up sleeping with a company VP to get a big promotion, although she denies it despite the more than damning circumstantial evidence. She got a huge raise out of it, and I'm sure that she gave her VP one as well!

She didn't really like it when I got remarried in 2004. And now that I'm currently engaged in a most contentious divorce with "Miss 2004," my Ex is one of the biggest cheerleaders in my getting out of this second marriage.

Truth be told, she'd absolutely do handstands to be able to rehook back up with me. I've remained friendly, but rather distant toward her, mostly talking to her only about the welfare of our college aged sons. And I wouldn't reconsider a relationship with her anymore than the man in the moon~ she cheated on me, denied it, lied about it and she has had her chance. The only care that I have for her is now is simply that she is the mother of my two wonderful sons~nothing more, nothing less!

That's a good point, you raise. I wasn't cheated on by any of them. Dumped, but not cheated on. Oh, that makes me feel sooo much better! Not!

 

[arbitrator]

That's a good point, you raise. I wasn't cheated on by any of them. Dumped, but not cheated on. Oh, that makes me feel sooo much better! Not!

How do you think that makes me feel? I'm batting 2 for 2; 2 marriages- 2 cheaters. Makes me just violently shudder to think about if I should ever reach the threshold of even entertaining embarking upon a third marriage, of what my track record truly is. And even as a Christian man, I will, no doubt, come to have trust issues in the months ahead, when I'll give due reconsideration to placing myself back in the dating field once again.

At times, it really makes me think that there is something within my psychological/physiological makeup that has caused two cheating wives to stray, and having said that, I damn well do not want to live to see a third!

 

[mrstj4sho88]

I think because you share special happy moments with your ex. It is that same reason being close friends with ex lovers is a no no. Something need to have limitations.

 

[MattMatt]

How do you think that makes me feel? I'm batting 2 for 2; 2 marriages- 2 cheaters. Makes me just violently shudder to think about if I should ever reach the threshold of even entertaining embarking upon a third marriage, of what my track record truly is. And even as a Christian man, I will, no doubt, come to have trust issues in the months ahead, when I'll give due reconsideration to placing myself back in the dating field once again.

At times, it really makes me think that there is something within my psychological/physiological makeup that has caused two cheating wives to stray, and having said that, I damn well do not want to live to see a third!

My batting average is no that good either, really. Dumped for a rich man (he was a broke ex-con, in reality) then dumped for a woman (Ouch!) and well, and so on.

 

[Media_girl24]

MattMatt, I think there's some truth to what you say. When I was dating my ex-husband, I asked him how many times he had been in love before me. He answered, "once". I assumed it was with his ex-wife, as he had been married once previously. He said no, it was with his college girlfriend.

Guess who his affair was with that broke up our marriage and hers? Yep.

I've been in love once since my divorce, and that relationshp broke up in spectactular fashion due to his actions, and he hurt me more than I can possibly put into words. But I still love him, and that's beyond stupid. And, I'm a smart woman. But being smart really doesn't have much to do with matters of the heart. I think that's why we are all here!

 

[Caribbean Man]

Well,
I don't know, maybe I'm from Mars?

I have lots of ex girlfriends, and I have NEVER found myself thinking that I'm still in love with any of them.
NO WAY!
When I walk away,there is absolutely no way I'm looking back and wishing.
I remember the sex sometimes, but what I remember most is the reason we split.
And I think to myself that it makes no sense giving that person another chance to F-up my life again.

Even if my marriage was in trouble, an ex would not even know.
There are some exes that cannot even speak to me, because I have only contempt for them.

My wife deserves more my undivided attention, I have no time for them.

 

[Chris989]

I realised something today. It sort of surprised me.

I think I understand why affairs with first loves and ex-spouses can happen.

I was in a fairly self-analytical frame of mind this morning whilst walking to work and I realised that I am still in love with almost all of my previous girl friends.

It's like that view you suddenly accidentally get of all the programmes you are running, or all the web tabs you have open when you make the wrong click on a multi-button mouse. When they all appeared like a 3-D layer of different images of each page or document. If you know what I mean.

The love I feel for them is not something I feel all the time, but it is still there, like a computer programme that is constantly running in the background.

If when I had been going through the heartache of my wife's affair and I'd met with at least one particular former girl friend and she had made an interest in rekindling our romance, would I have done so? I am afraid I probably might have. Speaking honestly about this.

So, when someone is going through a tough time with their spouse and an old love appears, I could see problems developing that could put the marriage at great risk.

Anyone else got any thoughts on this?

Being honest, I'm a bit surprised you said this.

I couldn't care less about past girlfriends. Even the only one I slept with (lots tried).

After 24 years with my wife I cannot imagine still feeling something for a woman I haven't seen for a quarter of a century.

I'm not being "holier than thou" - I just don't understand.

 

[BjornFree]

The love I feel for them is not something I feel all the time, but it is still there, like a computer programme that is constantly running in the background.

They're called D(a)emons for a reason, best keep them running in the background.

I don't even remember most of their names or faces.

 

[sigma1299]

After 24 years with my wife I cannot imagine still feeling something for a woman I haven't seen for a quarter of a century.

I'm not being "holier than thou" - I just don't understand.

You know - until my EA I was just like this. I didn't really give my old GF's any thought at all.

Then I got a friend request from one that I literally had not thought of in 20+ years and she walked right through every boundary I ever thought about having. No way someone that I hadn't had a thing for before could have done that.

I don't think, at least for me, it's so much that they hold an active place, but rather that they have the potential to step back in and pick up right where they left off if you're not careful.

I was, and still am, shocked and horrified by how quickly and easily she was able to get to me.

 

[nandosbella]

i dont personally have an infidelity issues in my marriage... BUT.. i do think about a particular ex often. we had much more similar interests than me and my hubs do. when i see commercials for "walking dead" i have the though.. "man.. if i was still with ___, we would totally watch that together.. zombie freaks".

if i see something i know he'd like, i think about him. i'm actually FB friends with him, but i'm extremly careful and rarley/never post anything or "like" anything of his. he's also married now.. but our marriages now can never erase the memories and good times we had. it happens... it's just part of human nature.. you just gotta keep yourself in check.

 

[ladybird]

I would rather run my X over with my car! Yeah it was that bad. No feelings other then hate for him

 

[Thor]

I am more curious about the girls I never dated but whom I wanted to. Girls I was friends with and wanted to date me (in high school and college) but we were never single at the same time.

My one significant ex-gf was a terrific person, and her parents treated me like a member of the family. She was right to dump me, as I was a wimpy Nice Guy. I do have fond appreciation of her, but zero interest in rekindling a relationship.

Perhaps it is about "unfinished business" with an ex if one has an affair with them.

 

[fishfast41]

This sort of thing is why social networking sites should be off limits for married couples. The past should remain the past. Unfortunately today, the past can IM you

 

[arbitrator]

This sort of thing is why social networking sites should be off limits for married couples. The past should remain the past. Unfortunately today, the past can IM you

Or in the case of my STBXW, you can simply IM it!