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If I have to read another retroactive jealousy thread I'm going to scream.

When did men become so fragile? Why is the male ego apparently so obsessed with our standing in our lover's past, or with our size and performance? For someone trying to be the "best" his partner has ever had, I cannot think of anything much more irritating to an SO than having to support this constant insecurity. It is the precise opposite of "sexy".

It seems so transparently counter-productive.
 

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Women are doing this too, in my experience. Differently, but also.

I think there’s a lot of deep seated insecurity going on with our generation, possibly because everybody is replaceable. Or upgradable.

I think the marriage-industrial complex has a lot to do with it. Also tinder, ****** *******, normalization of cheating, and people marrying later.

Consumer culture as applied to relationships has to be a factor.

As does the rampant job insecurity. I mean, the gig economy essentially means lots of people have high levels of job insecurity. Tinder and LinkedIn are essentially the same thing in two different markets.

The men I talk to are primarily worried about physique and performance. The women about connection and compatibility. But the opposite also happens.

Hell, my wife just asked me a few weeks ago what my ex’s body felt like, and if I can tell the difference. And she is hyper secure in that department.
 

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Women are doing this too, in my experience. Differently, but also.

I think there’s a lot of deep seated insecurity going on with our generation, possibly because everybody is replaceable. Or upgradable.

I think the marriage-industrial complex has a lot to do with it. Also tinder, ****** *******, normalization of cheating, and people marrying later.

Consumer culture as applied to relationships has to be a factor.

As does the rampant job insecurity. I mean, the gig economy essentially means lots of people have high levels of job insecurity. Tinder and LinkedIn are essentially the same thing in two different markets.

The men I talk to are primarily worried about physique and performance. The women about connection and compatibility. But the opposite also happens.

Hell, my wife just asked me a few weeks ago what my ex’s body felt like, and if I can tell the difference. And she is hyper secure in that department.

Maybe add in the porn industry that molds impressionable minds to what they think sex is? How large Johnny is but the viewer does not measure up?
 

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I think there’s a lot of deep seated insecurity going on with our generation, possibly because everybody is replaceable. Or upgradable.
I am not seeing only one generation do this. It seems a lot of older people are feeling RJ as well. I definitely wouldn't try to nail the whole thing on your generation or any single generation.
 

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Fragile? It's too easy to dismiss the issue by saying that. Most of the threads where RJ has come on really strong were based more on the lies that went on beforehand than the comparisons that the conversations led to. In some case the RJ started with discoveries of very differing views of privacy. One person being completely open and honest and believing the other person was doing the same, only to find out very differently later on.

In most of these cases, I believe the appropriate answer from the partner who is concerned discussions of his or her past could lead to problems... well, either tell the potential partner it's not something you wish to discuss, or get the hell out of there because things aren't going to work.

RJ doesn't just happen out of the blue. There are usually signs early on that it might be an issue. If not, and if you've got a past where it could be an issue, then test for it. And, like I said, if it comes up, then it's in the best interest of both parties to end things. If you have to blame your partner for how they feel about something, they're probably not the right partner.

Added after seeing the "worried about her past sexual relationship" thread- I do see @Faithful Wife 's point regarding RJ in some cases. But not all.
 

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I am not seeing only one generation do this. It seems a lot of older people are feeling RJ as well. I definitely wouldn't try to nail the whole thing on your generation or any single generation.
Human nature has not changed over the span of 2000 years. The issue is multi-generational.
 

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Fragile? It's too easy to dismiss the issue by saying that. Most of the threads where RJ has come on really strong were based more on the lies that went on beforehand than the comparisons that the conversations led to.
This is just one man's opinion, but I believe the cause for most women lying about their past is because of this male fragility, not the cause.
 

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This is just one man's opinion, but I believe the cause for most women lying about their past is because of this male fragility, not the cause.
Furthermore, it's nothing really new...

"Of course I orgasmed, honey. It was great for me" said every 50's wife ever.

...except for maybe the magnitude of it. Where would a guy in the '50s...or even the '80s stumble across information that would cause his mind to wander down this road?

I see it much like everything else: anything you want information on is available at the tips of our fingers...even if it's about another individual.

How about the sheer number of means available to share such information?

I believe people are simply not emotionally equipped to handle the information available to us.

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Many men (and women) have a severe lack of self worth, and so rather than seeking validation from within, they seek it externally. This is not just an issue that men face, but it is one in which society doesn't offer a man with this issue much reinforcement.

They are meant to 'man up' and get on with it because that is what men are supposed to do. A lot of these people however, weren't given appropriate examples earlier in life about how to do this.

There is also the possibility that they have not had proper validation in their upbringing, and compensate by trying seek it elsewhere.



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Some people just use their imagination and that's all they need to torture themselves with.
Indeed. However, imagination often takes a spark.

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Indeed. However, imagination often takes a spark.
You can spark your own imagination. There's no need to look outward. Some do, but most don't need to. Insecurity will cause the imagination spark to go off, even if the SO hasn't done anything to cause any insecurity.

I'm thinking right now of a woman I know personally. She has some way deep underlying problems with insecurity. And any man she is with, she will torture herself all on her own about who he has been with in the past and was she better, was she prettier, etc. She does it to herself.

She's working on it but I've seen her through several relationships and it's always been the same. And most men she has been with ultimately can't take her extreme jealousy and insecurity. She does have BPD.
 

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You can spark your own imagination. There's no need to look outward. Some do, but most don't need to. Insecurity will cause the imagination spark to go off, even if the SO hasn't done anything to cause any insecurity.



I'm thinking right now of a woman I know personally. She has some way deep underlying problems with insecurity. And any man she is with, she will torture herself all on her own about who he has been with in the past and was she better, was she prettier, etc. She does it to herself.



She's working on it but I've seen her through several relationships and it's always been the same. And most men she has been with ultimately can't take her extreme jealousy and insecurity. She does have BPD.
I'm not disagreeing with you, FW, but rather taking a WAG as to why it appears to be more prevalent now than in the past.

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I'm not disagreeing with you, FW, but rather taking a WAG as to why it appears to be more prevalent now than in the past.
How do we know it is more prevalent now? Just because people have a way to reach out for advice about this kind of thing now doesn't really mean it happens more.

Maybe it does, I just don't know how we would know that.
 

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If I have to read another retroactive jealousy thread I'm going to scream.

When did men become so fragile? Why is the male ego apparently so obsessed with our standing in our lover's past, or with our size and performance? For someone trying to be the "best" his partner has ever had, I cannot think of anything much more irritating to an SO than having to support this constant insecurity. It is the precise opposite of "sexy".

It seems so transparently counter-productive.
One thing I like in the youth is they actually see men and women as similar.

As a middle aged man, it was perfectly normal to think that a man did not really have an emotional life. Men trying to live up to that, or thinking they should will make themselves worse.

If these things are mor eopen, it is probably good.

We accept that a man telling a woman that she is physically not good enough is abusive. Now, people see it the same way if a man is treated like that. Y'know, good.
 

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If I have to read another retroactive jealousy thread I'm going to scream.



When did men become so fragile? Why is the male ego apparently so obsessed with our standing in our lover's past, or with our size and performance? For someone trying to be the "best" his partner has ever had, I cannot think of anything much more irritating to an SO than having to support this constant insecurity. It is the precise opposite of "sexy".



It seems so transparently counter-productive.
I don't know if it's a new thing... I remember when I was much younger, in middle/high school, at that age when you're starting to date. I wasn't interested in any of the boys who expressed interest in me... it was drilled into my head by my mom, my grandmothers, my aunts: you have to be very careful to let them down easy, because boys are very sensitive to rejection. You must never laugh at them, or make them feel like they are less than or not good enough, and do whatever you can to build them up while turning them down.

Boys/men, save for a few exceptions, have never been this kind when shooting me down. In fact, many of them have been downright cruel, either directly or by pulling crap like ghosting or whatever else. And they still do this as adults.

And yet, as a woman, I am still expected to be gentle because they are even more sensitive now, because some woman who came before me broke his heart because she cheated on him or walked out on him, or some other sob story. I can't tell you how many "sensitive" men with a "sob story" have later screwed me over and treated me badly. These days, I hear a sob story and I run the other way.

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As a man over 70, I will provide a slightly different perspective.

As I have grown older, my T level dropped, that has resulted in my desiring to have my wife provide me with more emotional love It has also meant that I need more foreplay to have intense meaningful sex. I am much less into a quickie satisfying my needs than in my youth.

So the whole youth generational things just doesn't jib with my experience in aging. Perhaps after a certain point in life you look at and understand your own mortality and want more emotional meaning in your life. Perhaps it is all hormonal. whatever it is, yes, I have become more emotionally fragile as I get older and what a little more TLC in my relationship.
 

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As a man over 70, I will provide a slightly different perspective.

As I have grown older, my T level dropped, that has resulted in my desiring to have my wife provide me with more emotional love It has also meant that I need more foreplay to have intense meaningful sex. I am much less into a quickie satisfying my needs than in my youth.

So the whole youth generational things just doesn't jib with my experience in aging. Perhaps after a certain point in life you look at and understand your own mortality and want more emotional meaning in your life. Perhaps it is all hormonal. whatever it is, yes, I have become more emotionally fragile as I get older and what a little more TLC in my relationship.
I totally hear what you are saying. But it doesn’t seem to be related to RJ.

If I remember your story correctly, your W was a virgin when you married and there is no other man for you to fear was better for her.

Perhaps men in the past worried less about this type of thing because more people married as virgins back then.
 
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