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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My wife scheduled a dinner with another couple. I learned we had a sports championship in town. I mentioned it to my wife who said we already had plans and I then called the husband of the other couple to ask we could go as couples and they said they would rather not go.

Coming back home after the call, my wife now went absolutely ballistic in the midst of an already bad week for me. Generally, I am very flexible and have gone on three vactions amidst some financial issues, and various dinners, etc. (while she has a job that someone else does while away, as a self-employed person, calls, letters, problems, clients accumulate while I am gone, and I still have to make money). This is the first time I mentioned a preference on something this year. Questions.

1. Why was my stress and problems so unimportant, and the happiness of the friends so critical. She understood how angry I was and we had a big fight during which I lobbed about 40 f bombs (which I very rarely do). There was no apology or effort at conciliation, just silence. But it was still like, why are you bothering me with unimportant crap, your stress and feelings, with something extremely important, our relationship with this other couple.

2. Why are wives so attentive and cognizant of the feelings of their girlfriends etc, but they apparently can't figure out the stress of their husband which was completely obvious. My secretary was comforting.
 

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Sometimes, I think that husbands don't really share their feelings...they just wait until they are mad and then expect their wives to understand why they are mad.

I am not saying that is the case here, just saying maybe it is a possibility. I know that frequently my husband will get very upset because I am not considering him etc...when he never told me he needed anything and he never wants me to fix stuff so I just try to be supportive, interested etc, and all the sudden he is mad over something I didn't even know was an issue. At that point, I tend to get a little defensive and probably do act like his feelings don't matter because it seems so selfish for him to essentially shut me out until he is mad about some blunder I made because he didn't communicate his wishes.
 

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As a wife, I am flexible with things like this. Hubz is often stressed or tired from work and we have to change plans about. He is also flexible and quite easygoing and I know from experience that it is easy to think he is okay with things when that is not necessarily the case.

I am wondering if maybe you are similar, and haven't actually explained explicitly what you said you worry about in your post. Yes, it is easy to assume she knows, or expect her to know, but in fact she may not comprehend some or all of it. Maybe an acknowledgement of her feelings followed by a brief but to-the-point explanation of what you said. And then how you want things to go in the future. And stop committing to things that are making your life more stressful.

Also that last bit about your secretary being comforting... Anything you need to check yourself with there?
 

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Could the dinner with friends be rescheduled if this is a one-time sporting event?

The sporting event would seem to trump a casual dinner with friends (assuming that's what it is).

As to why men's feelings are "so unimportant" that could be because men are not usually as demonstrative about their feelings. Women usually throw it all out there. Men usually don't. So men get the reputation, 24/7, of the "strong, silent type." Unfair, I know.
 

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It usually takes two people to have a big argument. Did you go behind her back to make this phone call? Was this something planned for a long time and you just suddenly demanded she change her plans last second?

PS. Of course your secretary was sympathetic; its the polite response and its hardly in her interests to antagonize you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Good comments people. Appreciate it.

1. Could the dinner with friends be rescheduled if this is a one-time sporting event? Hope so and my wife will be checking. If not, this will be hell.

The sporting event would seem to trump a casual dinner with friends. Absolutely not in her view, this is not even a contest. When I said I didn't want to spend 125 on a dinner thinking why wasn't I at the event that I think a lot of friends will be talking about in the future, she looked at me like I lost my mind. I should add that our friends had been mad at us about two years ago for something that seemed unimportant to both of us, and I guess she feels we should both be on our best behavior to prevent this happening again.

2. Bottling up feeling, that is true and she mentioned that. Wives sometimes don't understand how their husbands are feeling- true here to.

But having said that I am very stressed, angry, and anxious, she still looked at me like- why are you both0ering me with these trivial matters when my friends may be angry about this getting re-scheduled which is an extreme High-Priority Item.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Let me add Moderately Perplexed, your comments are right. This had been planned for two weeks, having been changed once before because of a serious family illness. I did call on my own and didn't ask her first, because I felt she would just say, forget about the sporting event, it's not important. I was hoping that the other couple would want to go, and just before my wife had said, we don't know what we are going to do on Saturday, have any ideas.
Let me add we have been married for 25 years and rarely argue, but interestingly the last big argument involved about the same thing.

It usually takes two people to have a big argument. Did you go behind her back to make this phone call? Was this something planned for a long time and you just suddenly demanded she change her plans last second?

PS. Of course your secretary was sympathetic; its the polite response and its hardly in her interests to antagonize you.
 

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It's kind of hard to make comments based on a single conversation/argument.

1 -If my husband had called my friends behind my back to try and "gang up on me" - I think I'd be slightly irked. Does your wife normally like to go to these sporting events with you? If not - wouldn't she be in the same situation you are in now - sitting there, wondering why she wasn't doing something else - which might "turn the tables" but won't fix the issue.

2 - If your wife also works doesn't her income contribute to the money for this dinner? And were you offering to pay for the dinner for the friends? If so if they'd agreed and wanted to come - how much was four tickets to the sporting event going to be? Is that more budget rectifiable because it's something you enjoy?

3 -You and your wife should think about finding some new friends, those people sound needy. When you have to walk on eggshells to not insult friends who you are supposed to enjoy your time with, something should change.
 

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Maybe she just thinks it's rude to change plans you've made with other people simply because suddenly something "better" has come along?

It sort of sounds like you're p!ssed at her for thinking dinner with friends is more important that what you want to do. But at the same time, you're telling her your sporting event is more important than what she wants to do. You're angry with her for being selfish. She's baffled and offended that you don't see that you are being selfish in the exact same way.

By the way, how much time are you spending talking over your marital woes with your secretary? Is she soooo much easier to talk to than your difficult and obstinate wife? Does she understand you better?

Just curious.
 
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As to why men's feelings are "so unimportant" that could be because men are not usually as demonstrative about their feelings. Women usually throw it all out there. Men usually don't. So men get the reputation, 24/7, of the "strong, silent type." Unfair, I know.
I have / do struggle with showing my emotions. My father is a public school educated ex-army officer so we boys had to "keep a stiff upper lip" from an early age, "no blubbing" that’s for babies and women, Smile / be polite even when you are angry (that was always the hardest for me as I had a short fuse as a youngster), Do not let your weekness show infront of others (I stick to this).

For me I have found that writing myself a note about how I feel helps me to get things into perspective and somehow that allows me to tell people how I really feel (not much good in the middle of an argument I know).
 

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We train people how to treat us.

My guess is you're probably one of those guys who rarely speaks up and when you do you're floored at the fact that it's not received with kindness and love. But it doesn't work this way. Sadly if you're TOO flexible you've now trained your wife that her feelings are more important than yours.

She agreed with that and is now mad because you deviated from the original plan that YOU laid out.

The cure is to stop being so flexible, speak up, and learn how to say the word "no". That one little word will set you free. :)
 

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You seem to generalize women as being uncaring. Your wife may or may not be that way. But my guess is if she is that way it is a reaction to the conditioning you have allowed.

My wife is 180 degrees from that generalization and I am sure many of the ladies here are as well.

The moral of this story is if you want good advice from the ladies here; don't paint them all as uncaring monsters.
 
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The timing of events in this particular argument are important.

Before she scheduled this dinner, did she ask you if you would be able/willing to go and you said yes?

-or-

Did she schedule it without asking you first, but then told you and you agreed to go because at that time you didn't know of the sporting event?

-or-

Did she schedule it without asking, then tell you, only to find out that you had your eye on this sporting event because you didn't know your wife had already made other plans?

I personally would never schedule something that included my H without asking him first. I wouldn't want him to do that to me either. It's rude and presumptuous. HOWEVER...If I asked him if he'd go to dinner with our friends and he said yes, but then tried to back out of it because something else came up that was more interesting to him, I'd be miffed too. So it all depends on how the plan-making went down.
 

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Good comments people. Appreciate it.

1. Could the dinner with friends be rescheduled if this is a one-time sporting event? Hope so and my wife will be checking. If not, this will be hell.

The sporting event would seem to trump a casual dinner with friends. Absolutely not in her view, this is not even a contest. When I said I didn't want to spend 125 on a dinner thinking why wasn't I at the event that I think a lot of friends will be talking about in the future, she looked at me like I lost my mind. I should add that our friends had been mad at us about two years ago for something that seemed unimportant to both of us, and I guess she feels we should both be on our best behavior to prevent this happening again.

2. Bottling up feeling, that is true and she mentioned that. Wives sometimes don't understand how their husbands are feeling- true here to.

But having said that I am very stressed, angry, and anxious, she still looked at me like- why are you both0ering me with these trivial matters when my friends may be angry about this getting re-scheduled which is an extreme High-Priority Item.
The friends sound ultra-important to her. Unless these people are only on Planet Earth to attend this particular dinner then I see no reason they shouldn't be rescheduled.

They sound like prima donnas and I don't think I would be too terribly interested in paying for dinner.
 

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I agree with Waking Up To life and others too.But on the point that you committed to going to dinner in advance.Also sounds like it had to be cancelled once already?Maybe it would cause your wife stress and anxiety or embarrassment to have to call and cancel again and at the last minute.It may not be that she cares "more" about their happiness but it is pretty rude to cancel like that unless its more of an emergency.

But also what does your generalized stress from work and what not have to do with you going to a sporting event rather than out to dinner with this couple?Do you not enjoy their company?Do you see being available to attend as "for your wife" more like something you do out of duty rather than as mutual enjoyment?
 

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I personally would never schedule something that included my H without asking him first. I wouldn't want him to do that to me either.
This made me laugh, in our house we have an A1 wipe down wall planner for the current months events with an A4 page per day diary hanging next to it for longer term planning yet we (my wife and I) still get calls to do last second pickup / drop offs for the kids.
 

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1. Could the dinner with friends be rescheduled if this is a one-time sporting event? Hope so and my wife will be checking. If not, this will be hell.
Wow..that sounds pretty dramatic.Explain how for you anyway it will be "hell" if you can't reschedule ?

And the fact your wife is checking to me indicates she does care about your feelings.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Would you call up the other husband and try to reschedule and mention that my wife is mad at me for changing plans.

I like the other couple. That said, I really wanted to go to this one-time particular sporting event (which would not have been expensive) and would not have not enjoyed the evening thinking I could have been there. The week before the team had gotten into the semi-finals and because my wife had scheduled dinner with family members, I didn't mention it. Agreed that there is a question of selfishness and doing what which person wants. I thought if the other couple went to the sporting event, it would be fun and my wife was right in saying they would not be interested.

I did wake her up at 6:00 A.M. saying that I really appreciated her dumping more stress on me at a time that I was already having a lot of stress and my skin actually got red and a friend said I didn't look good. Obviously she could have tried to work things out. I rarely yell and did lose my temper For various reasons, we are going on several vacations this year, and working around that scheduling has added to my stress and I told her that.

Again, that seemed to be an unimportant issue as my wife gave me the silent treatment. I thought about just leaving the house and getting a hotel room.

My secretary is a pleasant, middle aged woman and there is nothing there. My secretary does believe I am somewhat disorganized and did once say I don't know how your wife puts up with you.
 

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This made me laugh, in our house we have an A1 wipe down wall planner for the current months events with an A4 page per day diary hanging next to it for longer term planning yet we (my wife and I) still get calls to do last second pickup / drop offs for the kids.
Scheduling things like picking up the kids, errands, things like that, of course there has to be some willingness to be scheduled in for things without being asked first. And for last minute changes because of circumstances beyond our control. I wouldn't have made it through 19 years of marriage if I was so rigid.

I'm talking about social plans...scheduling things for US to do together during our personal time without consulting each other first. I wouldn't like it dumped on me that my H agreed that WE would go to dinner with his friends when he didn't ask me first. Maybe I had something I was wanting to do. Maybe I was just hoping to spend some time with him alone. I would just appreciate being asked first. It's common courtesy, which shouldn't disappear just because you're married.
 

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I'm talking about social plans...scheduling things for US to do together during our personal time without consulting each other first. I wouldn't like it dumped on me that my H agreed that WE would go to dinner with his friends when he didn't ask me first. Maybe I had something I was wanting to do. Maybe I was just hoping to spend some time with him alone. I would just appreciate being asked first. It's common courtesy, which shouldn't disappear just because you're married.
I agree I wouldn't commit my husband to a social event without asking him if he was interested.However if he committed in advance(especially if other people were involved) then close to the event something came up he would rather do and sprung it on me I wouldn't expect him to say I didn't care about his feelings or his "stress" if that pissed me off and get angry at me for being non plussed with him.
 
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