Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 13 of 13 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hi All,

Gotta say, this site is amazing! It is really reassuring to know that others are in a similar mind frame.

My basics: Together for 15yrs, married for 10yrs, no kids. I'm 33, H is 34. No kids because "he's not ready" and hasn't been ready for the past 4 years that I've been asking.

Marriage is now all but over. We're in separate bedrooms and pretty much just ignore each other. No shared interests or goals and I think he is narcasstic. BUT I am so scared about being on my own. I am miserable and unhappy at home, so I try not to be there as much as possible. All of my friends tell me that I am strong, intelligent and will not be single for long. During the day, I am firm in my decision to leave. But lying in my bed at night, I panic and wonder if I am making the biggest mistake of my life.

I also feel ripped off. When I got married, I meant what I said. But no kids is a deal breaker. But its become so much more than that. He doesn't support my career, my sporting achievements, nothing. Thinks my role is to clean the house, iron his shirts and cook his meals. Nothing else is really that important.

I just want to be in a happy, loving relationship with someone who I respect and respects me in return.

Why is this so hard?????? Why can't I just move out and not have periods of doubt???
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
175 Posts
It's natural to feel that way, you've been together for along time and although not happy in your relationship, secure. I suppose the good thing is there are no children involved which can sometimes hold back the separation. It doesn't sound like you want the same things and if you want children, then things will only become worse, make the break - that's what I say and find someone who shares the same values. You can only hit your head against the brick wall so many times, Good luck, you deserve it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
56 Posts
Ok so we are in similar boats except I wanted kids and she didn't and she left me among other reasons. That is tough and so is the living separate lives. He may not understand how fun kids are, is he around them ever. I can honestly say the nights are the hardest. I am sure you have talked to him about this, but does he really understand that he is going to lose you, I did not until she left and it kills me. A separation may help him to understand what you mean to him. It really helped me get my priorities straight. If he then wants to change and you want this relationship to work ask him specifics and how he commit to them long term. A marriage takes two and it sounds like you both are not in it. Have you tried counseling?

"I just want to be in a happy, loving relationship with someone who I respect and respects me in return."

I think that is what we all truly want. I sure do.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
Thanks for your advice guys. This has been going on for 4 years - been to counselling both together and individual. His counsellor told me that he sees this whole child thing like a competition, and if he gives in, then I win. Also, that he is not going to change and he only gives me timeframes (as to when we can start trying) to maintain the status quo.

We have no common interests and, to be honest, deep down I know we are too far gone to ever get it back. Too many nasty things have been said (latest one when I told him I was going to move out, "What? So you can become the town bike?" - After 15 years together and no cheating, that's what he said to me.

I have had enough. Even my mum is telling me that I deserve better.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
117 Posts
Yes it will be hard, very hard, but what a blessing! It can help to ask yourself what are all the great things you have learned from this marriage and the situation you are in now and also to look forward to a great future.
With what you have been through you have developed enough wisdom to attract the relationship of your dreams.
It's natural to be fearful but as someone once said, "Behind the dragon of your fears lies your greatest treasure."
Take heart - you'll get through it and it won't be long before you won't believe how truly happy you feel.
All the best for your journey!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,374 Posts
You started dating when you were 18, so you've never been on your own since then? I can imagine that would be frightening.

But it sounds like it's probably the best thing for you. Imagine yourself without the weight you are carrying on your shoulders and in your head all the time. You will feel free for the first time in a long time. The possibilities for your future open up when you let go of something that is no longer healthy nor a positive in your life, something that is only dragging you down and holding you back from the life you want to have.

Break it down into small pieces and make a plan. Then start taking the steps, one by one. You'll get there. And you have no idea how glad you'll be that you did.

Don't miss out on living your life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,165 Posts
Being alone isn't for everyone - my ex husband has already moved a woman in and we'd only been divorced for about a week (and split for 6m)

Me? I bloody love it - not saying it isn't a bit scary but once the burden of living with someone who needs constant attention (and who isn't under the age of 16) despite giving nothing back has been lifted you'll find a new lease of life I promise you :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,707 Posts
I just want to be in a happy, loving relationship with someone who I respect and respects me in return.

Why is this so hard?????? Why can't I just move out and not have periods of doubt???
It's hard because EVERYONE is afraid of the unknown and most average people resist major changes in their every day life.

I was scared sick at the thought of walking out the door when I had enough.I cried over every thing,barely ate,and was pretty much a zombie til the day I actually had the movers come and haul my things to my new place.Suddenly that fear was GONE.I was so focused on my new life and how even if I was alone it had to be better than what I was living.The nights were hard but I adopted a dog and got very big into other hobbies that consumed my nervous energy.

The fear goes away so fast it amazed me.If this is what you really want to do you WILL be fine once you get your plan in order and move forward with it.You'll have breakdowns,crying jags,moments of intense anger and bitterness but it does improve.You'll start finding satisfaction in the little things and noticing each day you're happier and more at peace.IF this is what you REALLY want to do of course.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,762 Posts
If he's been saying things like that to you, it's possible you've internalized that and you are feeling pretty down on yourself and about taking care of yourself. I hope you're working on some of this in IC.
Like SB said, if you really want to do this, you can. When you reach the point where you know you can't live the way you're living anymore, it will feel worse than being on your own.
I didn't want my marriage to break up after 10 years/being together for 14. But by the time I moved out into my own place, I was so ready and knew it HAD to be better than what I'd been living under. I was shocked to find myself laying in bed that first night, alone, in the dark, smiling. It wasn't easy, but I knew it was right to be out of that. Being on your own isn't the worst thing, compared to being with someone and feeling so alone inside.

It's taken a certain amount of strength and perseverance to live with him all these years, so you're not weak. You can refocus that onto taking care of you now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
232 Posts
Add another ditto -- I guess my situation is similar, met my current wife when I was 18, married a few years later, now 36. So really the only relationship, and basically went from being with my parents to being with her, never was alone, so that is kind of scary. Also have no kids, though we broke up for other reasons than kids.

But, it does sound like you really are not alone .. you may not be ready for another relationship, but you have friends, you have skills, you have a career. I don't want to be the bitter divorced guy that never enters a relationship again, but I also don't want to judge myself on my relationship, or judge my life on my relationship. Just be yourself, enjoy the time to yourself (trust me, you'll find things you can do now that you just couldn't do before) and if a relationship comes, be open to it.. but don't sweat it.

I think you realize, since you've tried so many things, that while things CAN be worse (and yes, it is true there is some comfort in a marriage, even a sham, empty one) really try to look at this as an opportunity. You're still young, you got a lot of things going for you, and you will learn from the mistakes of your first relationship.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,174 Posts
It is very difficult to leave because it's not so much the fear of being alone, but the fear created by finally acknowledging to yourself that you've betrayed your own dreams for so long. Now, this isn't entirely your fault. A true narcissist will know how to keep others on the hook, and around, often without even doing it consciously. But it's the acknowledgement of just how much you've bartered yourself, your time and energy over the years...
It sounds like you have a large part of your life intact...sports, friends, probably work. A bike? Really, he is being rude, and playing to some fear of yours for your reputation. I hardly think being with someone for so long will qualify you as a 'town bike'. If that's the best he can do, and you've done counseling for 4 years, he has probably run out of hooks with which to keep you around. Make sure you use birth control of your own if you have relations with him, he might become desperate enough to become pregnant, and then you'll be stuck for another 19 years, and then some.

You're 33, you invested 4 years of counseling...maybe, it's time. I don't look kindly on him about this 'town bike' comment. It's uncalled for. He is being an a** with a comment like that.

The first step is the most difficult. After that you'll begin to discover yourself, and you'll be amazed to find all the wonderful pieces lying along your new path, just waiting for you to come along and retrieve them. It's a process, and you will enjoy it.
 
1 - 13 of 13 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top