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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Where do you start??? My husband is self-centered, self-absorbed and unlikely to change. We have been together and married almost 25 years. Where we arein life he believes it is because all he does, forgetting that I had anything to do with it. When ever I have a great job he wants me to be a stay at home mom, when I am a stay at home mom he insists that I work for health insurance. I have accommodated him many times with each. However when I am a stay at home mom he does not give me any money to do anything but grocery shop. When I work he never feels like I pay enough of the bills. We do not have any financial problems we both make good, maybe even very good money. To date he pays for the house bills, mortgage, electric, gas, garbage, and I pay for the groceries, health insurance and all of our children’s needs (twin 16 years old are expensive) he does not purchase anything for me because he feels he is doing so much already, when we fight he always states that he pays all the bills, each time I need to remind him I pay my share. He has a newer rig 06, and when I wanted a newer rig(mine 94) he was sure we did not need any additional bills then he went and purchased a new truck 08, then a new dirt bike 08, and then more this and that for himself. He was not like this when we met or while we dated it started after we were married. He will not take a vacation with me and the kids (they are very well mannered and great kids, very mature) he only takes time away from work to vacation with his friends hunting, fishing, bike riding, 4x4ing. Then explains that these are guy things, perhaps however these are things I did when I met him, dated him and it was no were in the marriage papers that I would have to stop doing what I love when I got married. He will not engage in this conversation, he explains that he loves me and wants to be with. I make vacation plans and he sabotages them so that we cannot go. Last year I had the hotel reservations, travel plans and everything put together, he had agreed to go with me and at the last minute he changed his plans and went with friends to do something else. He talked to me as if I would be staying at home and canceling the reservation. No I went alone and had a great time, granted, it would have been better with company however he made sure all our friends knew he wanted it to be just the two of us. I have tried to talk to him about our relationship being in the toilet and he agrees and then gets angry, however he has still filled his time with other people. We were 4x4ing together and my run was better then his consecutively he took the truck away from me. He now has another person drive that truck, it is not our truck it is his truck and he make sure I know this. I do not know what a man means when he says “I love you and want to be with you” and his actions are to do nothing with me????? Please help me to understand or should I give it up and leave? I have been a good wife, not a great wife, I do my very best, our house is the house where the kids hang out (downstairs family room)My house is not always perfect, I have dogs, I do not always cook dinner, like I said I am not perfect on the other hand most people like me and enjoy coming over to our house for dinner parties, BBQ’s and game night. I am not over weight, I do take care of myself, however I do love my sweat pants in the winter. He is not running around on me, he is not cheating on me his friends would tell me. They tell me more then I care to know. But I do listen and smile….. Other men friends tell me that they want to meet a woman like me, then why does my husband keep his distance?
 

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Good Wife

Sorry to hear your story. I see some similarities to my own. My wife and I fell into a rut years ago and we distanced our selves. More me than her. She tried and tried to tell me that we were living as partners, not husband and wife. She just couldn’t get through to me and we continued to drift. She eventually found herself involved in an emotional affair. That was my wake up call but it may have been too late. She has since ended the relationship and I believe her but the marriage is struggling greatly at this point. After 20 years of marriage I don’t know if my wife will ever feel “in love” with me again. It is very painful. First off anyone in marital trouble should seek professional council for either themselves or as a couple. It really can help. But the piece of advice I can give you is to try and make your husband understand how much his actions hurt you. That you don’t feel like an equal partner in your marriage. It sounds like you do a lot for him and your family. You recognize your strengths and weaknesses. Look at the things both of you could do to make each other happier and try to discuss them with him before the distances are too great. And let me assure you, men can and do change. I am living proof. I recommitted myself to my marriage and wife nearly a year ago and I have followed through on my promises to her. Your husband can also, and remember, you are not be asking him to change into a new man. Just to move back towards the man he once was. The man you fell in love with. My best wishes for you and your family. Take care.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you, I have talked to him and he always acts like it is such a problem to here that he is not doing things right. No I do not put it to him that way but it does not seem to matter what I say or how I say it he becomes defensive. I am and have been very supportive in his life and our children’s lives. What ever they choose to try I am there cheering them on. We did counseling upon my request a few years ago and it was then that I found out that I was not even on his priority list (an exercise the counselor had us do write down your 5 priorities then show them to each other) Nope I was not on his list at all and I stood up and left the room and have not gone back. He has always been sure to make me know that I would not make it with out him, that I would not be able to purchase a house or support the family, It was that day that I purchased a house and moved out with our kids. He spent the next year convincing me that if I would come back that things would be different. He was not paying me any child support during this time nor did he help pay for anything. He explained that he was tapped financially and could not help. OK I accepted this and did it on my own, until he drove over with his brand new truck and wanted to take me and the kids for a ride in his new truck. Long story short the kids and I moved back home and I have kept my other house just in case. It has been 2 years and we are back to where we were, he is coming back from a week long vacation (he went with his brothers and a few friends all men) While he was gone he called me 2x and his kids 0. Prior to leaving for his vacation he explained that he loves me and wants to be with me….. I am not sure what this means, I do not understand what he is telling me. Other than he hates to fail at anything and a divorce is a sign of failing (his words) We do not have joint anything, no joint checking, no joint credit cards, no joint owner ship of rigs, no joint cell phone plan. He does have all of these things with other people friends and employees. In reading here somebody wrote
He appears to want all the benefits of a wife and hom but non of the responsibilites that go with it. and this hit home, I just do not understand why or how a person chooses to live this way. I am a person that believes that if the love is gone, there is no reason to stay together as it is only bad for everybody involved man woman and children. It brings every one down, life should be full of living, not sorrow and pain

You made the choice to put your family first, my husband does not choose to put his family first. ?????
 

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I think your husband is just egotistical self centered small minded person, way too insecure to even have you as a competitor. Probably his friends are a bunch of loosers that make him feel like the greates guy ever! I'm sorry, I can't stand guys that are so stupid and cheap. I understand people change over time, but why would you put up with someone like that? I would ask for at least a trial separation. I can't "buy" that he loves you. Sorry.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Wow no reason to apologize. He is a good person, he is honest in life, he will always go the extra mile to help a friend. He is in deed a great friend. Fun with laughter, just not with me since we got married. He will come home after working 12 hrs, eat dinner and get on his computer. We did try a separation, I purchased a house by myself and moved out. He bagged me to come back, after a little over a year I did move home. I will take peoples word for it that men can change, however they first have to see they did anything wrong and then want to change it. We have faught the same problem for ever and he still asks me what he needs to do. I do not answer him anymore, I have made it very clear over the last 5 years. Empathy, compassion, respect and togetherness I believe this is pretty straight forward. He is not a stupid man. He has created a very successful biz. Quite a few of my friends say the same thing, that he is insecure and my personality and confidence level challenges who he wants to be every day. Again this is not something that I understand, I do not purposely do thing to make him feel insecure. I tell him I love him, that he is my soul mate (he is or was) however if he is this insecure he should move on and find what it is that will make him gain in him self. I have not been perfect, I admit perhaps I should not push to be a better driver or rider but then I am only cheating myself. I have had men get very upset when I take my helmet off and they have been beat by a girl not quite 5 feet 4 inches. I love toys (bubbles, PSP system, remote dinosaur, kites, no Barbie’s here, my thought has always been that there is not age limit on toys). I am comfortable with who I am. Is this why he always cuts me down??? I will not loose my self worth and self confidence for a man or for any body….. Why do insecure people choose to be with strong people? Do they believe it will rub off on to them?
 

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Goodwife- a very wise person gave me this site to read, cause I have kind of the same trouble.. I hope this site helps you as much as it did me. Stay strong girl and we are always here for you. I can not tell you enough about how wonderful these peeps are they are my saving grace.

Ultimate Self (realizing personal potential) | Heartbreakers I hope this works if not cut and past it is a great read
 
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