Why am I being so selfish?

16446 Views 129 Replies 29 Participants Last post by Plan 9 from OS, Dec 6, 2012

TheRiver

Discussion Starter · Dec 5, 2012

My husband and I have been together for 8 years- married for about two. Before we got married I did cheat on him multiple times, I actually met him while I was cheating on my ex and we developed this relationship- I was sleeping with both men for a few months and then every so often would sleep with my ex but that stopped before I got married. (I also had a couple random hookups while we were dating/engaged) but again nothing since being married. I guess I was always good at compartmentalizing things because I never really had guilt and I did not get caught. That can't be normal- to not feel guilty- I actually forgot completely about two of the hookups until I really thought about it. I sleep well at night. That scares me a little.

Now I am married and I am having feelings for someone. A friend of my husbands - not a good friend, just someone he has known for a year or two through work. This friend just happens to know my ex oddly enough, and I think something about him reminds me of that bad boy, intense relationship that we had. My husband is good looking, hard working, responsible, we have a good sex life (lots of missionary but he really pays a lot of attention to me under the sheets) he really is a great husband and would be a really good dad, he is very sweet would never yell at me, but sometimes is a little inattentive or distant- no one is perfect though- mostly I just feel like there's no magical spark- lol. I know this is dumb, how can I know I have such great chemistry with someone I barely know. I have been hanging out with this friend of his- only in the presence of my husband- since this summer, only a handful of times, but the last month things have gotten a little heavier and I can't get him out of my head. I am so torn, I know I love my husband but even before we married I would doubt at times that I was in love. I can't bear the thought of hurting him, or embarrassing him at work, and I am really worried that something might happen unless I stay away from this guy. I guess deep down I can admit to myself that I just don't want to get caught. Am I a sociopath to know that I could do this without feeling guilt, how can I do this over and over again to my husband and act like it is no big deal?

And I am delusional to think that I could be in love with this new guy? Love at first sight is just lust + infatuation right?

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Shaggy

· #2 · Dec 5, 2012

How about coming clean to your husband about your cheating.

Then you'll either be to busy trying to save you marriage to cheat, or your husband will dump you and you will be free to date.

Reactions: 5

warlock07

· #3 · Dec 5, 2012

Maybe relationships and long term commitments like marriage aren't for you..Confess, breakup and find someone with a similar outlook to life

Reactions: 3

Shaggy

· #4 · Dec 5, 2012

Oh and remind him that if you'll cheat with him, you'll cheat on him.

I honestly think you've gotten way to comfortable and safe and it's making you think that cheating is ok since you've gotten away with cheating on him so many times.

Now you've been married for what 700 nights and you are getting ready to have an affair.

TheRiver

Discussion Starter · #5 · Dec 5, 2012

My husband is aware of the fact that I have been recently thinking about being with another man, he does not know who though. He was remarkably understanding. I brought up the idea of swinging or an open relationship but he said he would not want me to be with other men- he wouldn't mind other women or the idea of a threesome- which we did do once early in our relationship.

TheRiver

Discussion Starter · #6 · Dec 5, 2012

I guess the point of all of this is:

Marriage becomes comfortable, I can accept this and continue to love my husband and have children with him while I wonder if the "one" is still out there....

OR do I end my marriage so soon because I don't get butterflies and act on these feelings for Mr. New? Am I silly to think it is something other than a fleeting infatuation?

walkonmars

· #7 · Dec 5, 2012

Your H may have the makings of a great dad - but please, please, please. don't have any children with him until you resolve your fidelity issues. If you truly want to have your marriage last and eventually raise a family you should tell your husband about your feelings for his friend.

Then tell him you want to address these issues since you know it's wrong but don't feel guilt for the feelings. Set up an appointment with a competent counselor. Competent AND female.

Reactions: 1

MattMatt

· #8 · Dec 5, 2012

You seem to have no respect for your husband. Well, and why would you? You have no respect for yourself, either.

Before you cheat on your husband -again- get yourself fixed. You are dangerously broken and want to break your husband, too.

Reactions: 4

Shaggy

· #9 · Dec 5, 2012

Have you told him about the 5 years of cheat while you were dating?

You should tell him who the new OM is and that you aren't interested in a threesome, that you want to end your marriage and be with the OM in a full on relationship.

Your letting your husband make decisions and offers based on lies and misinformation,

He thinks you want a threesome, while you really want a relationship with the OM, and you no longer want to be with your husband.

Reactions: 4

TheRiver

Discussion Starter · #10 · Dec 5, 2012

you are probably right warlock, I guess just because commitment is for most people doesn't mean that I wouldn't perhaps do better in an open relationship

TheRiver

Discussion Starter · #11 · Dec 5, 2012

agreed walkonmars I do not want to start a family until I know that I be in a committed + faithful relationship that is healthy for children

TheRiver

Discussion Starter · #12 · Dec 5, 2012

MattMatt, yes I agree that I most definitely have some issues with true intimacy as well as a lack of respect for both myself and my fiancee- I do have enough respect to not act on this while I am married

Shaggy

· #13 · Dec 5, 2012

TheRiver said:
I guess the point of all of this is:

Marriage becomes comfortable, I can accept this and continue to love my husband and have children with him while I wonder if the "one" is still out there....

OR do I end my marriage so soon because I don't get butterflies and act on these feelings for Mr. New? Am I silly to think it is something other than a fleeting infatuation?

You choose who to be with and be faithful to.

You don't seem to understand that the butterflies are things that only happen start of physical relationships. So if that's what you want divorce your husband and go chasing new relationship after new relationship,

Most people get tired of that lifestyle and realize the enjoy the feeling of being with someone they can trust and share a life with.

The others that keep chasing the thrill of new find themselves alone and bitter over time.

TheRiver

Discussion Starter · #14 · Dec 5, 2012

It wasn't 5 years of cheating, it was a few months at the beginning. Overlap between boyfriends really, he was somewhat aware of this, then there was also a couple instances after that but it was not years of regular affairs or anything on a longterm + regular basis. Not that that was ok, but just wanted to clarify.

Jonesey

· #15 · Dec 5, 2012

TheRiver said:
I guess the point of all of this is:

Marriage becomes comfortable,So was apparently dating for you... I can accept this and continue to love my husband Seriously???

and have children with himAbsolutely not.At this point at least while I wonder if the "one" is still out there....

OR do I end my marriage so soon YEAS!!Seriously JD you should not be in any relationship
until you get some serious help

because I don't get butterflies and act on these feelings for Mr. New? Am I silly to think it is something other than a fleeting infatuation?Silly only if you are still in high school

TheRiver

Discussion Starter · #16 · Dec 5, 2012

I think I know in my brain that what you are saying is right Shaggy- but those damn butterflies have me so confused feeling like a schoolgirl for this Mr. New and it is difficult for my brain to convince my other parts...

TheRiver

Discussion Starter · #17 · Dec 5, 2012

lol jonesey I like your style

Reactions: 1

moxy

· #18 · Dec 5, 2012

What you feel for new guy is lust and the allure of novelty, not love. Stay away from new guy. Talk to your husband about how to affair-proof your marriage; there are many resources in this forum. Go see a counselor about your tendency to use sex to avoid whatever it is you are avoiding. You don't want to wreck a good thing. Hang in there. Don't cheat. Everyone gets tempted, but your integrity depends in how well you avoid the stuff that is bad for you.

Reactions: 2

TheRiver

Discussion Starter · #19 · Dec 5, 2012

Thank you, Moxy that was solid advice <3 I do think I use distractions- be it substances, work, or sex

warlock07

· #20 · Dec 5, 2012

TheRiver said:
I guess the point of all of this is:

Marriage becomes comfortable, I can accept this and continue to love my husband and have children with him while I wonder if the "one" is still out there....

OR do I end my marriage so soon because I don't get butterflies and act on these feelings for Mr. New? Am I silly to think it is something other than a fleeting infatuation?

You probably think of men as targets. Once you get them , you get bored of them and then you start searching for a new one to conquer. You probably have an insatiable need for constant new attention

These butterflies happen at the start of every new relationship.

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