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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So I have been dating a man for the past 14 months. We both had children. I had 3 girls (8, 6, 4), him 2 girls (11, 9). We moved in together since were so excited about this new family. He had been divorced for 4 years. Planned a August wedding, we ended up canceling. We also in the midst of this were expecting a new one of our own a little boy, he was born in Oct.

Long story short. The moving in together didn't go that great. He ended up moving out a mere 5 months later. The biggest issue we disagreed on the kids. It seemed like it was ok to discipline my children, but he was afraid to spank his own? He would advocate for instance one of my to get a spanking from me for ex. lying. When his own would do the same he would just talk to them. He told me on a couple of occasions that he was afraid to spank them, or afraid to change things up with ex-wife since didn't know what she might do. One of the last things his 11 yr old and I got into it. She had said something disrespectful, as the incident was going on he backed me on it. Then after it happened he said to me, "Well all she said was...". He justified it. So we disconnected....he said he felt in the middle. I felt abandoned while carrying his child, and he decided to leave. I felt as if he chose the two kids over me, the other kids, and then our kid together.

We have tried to continue on the relationship long distance he lives an hour away, and it is difficult. He even wants/wanted me to move up there to him in July 2013. However until trying to dig for information I now found out that his kids don't really want us together. He never told me what exactly they said, he was real careful with his words. Then said he didn't want to talk about it, that he was scared to ask them afraid of their answer if they were ok about "us". I did tell him I didn't feel comfortable with them not being ok with us, and then us moving in together again. He said well they don't ultimately make the decision.

I guess my question here is....if you are going to put the needs of your kids first and disregard your partner then why get involved. I felt very limited with them. I felt abandoned. At the end of the day I look at it like kids do need to be treated well, but also need boundaries. If they see that all it takes is them doing something and it can break up the family...they'll do it. What happens if we get married? What kind of relationship would we have when the kids grow up & leave the house?

Shouldn't the marriage relationship come first, then center the kids around it?
 

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Yes, but you two need to be on the same page. I think you two should meet with a family counselor to help you in this transition and agree on what is acceptable from the kids, what isn't and what the punishment is. Is it time out for not doing a chore when asked? Losing a phone or electronic game rights for a week for being disrespectful? I think you need to be in agreement. The kids shouldn't dictate Dad's happiness. The kids will be happy if there is fair and consistent expectations from both of you.

Should I remarry I would expect my new husband to discipline my daughter simply because he would be the other adult in the household. Just as if my daughter were spending the night somewhere and was reprimanded by the parent there, the adults rule the household wherever they are.

You do need to back each other but I think discussing and agreeing on the role each of you play is absolutely necessary. The kids will see you two are on the same page and will stop pitting one against the other. Then they can finally open up, relax and start enjoying what you bring to the family.
 

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You have a lot going on. Number 1 though is you need to raise children with consistency. There can be no "guessing" from the child's stand point. Children need VERY clearly defined boundaries and consequences.

I won't get into spanking. I'm not necessarily against it, but I've never had to. My kids fear me more than a spanking when it comes to problems.

My biggest concern in all of this is the baby. What's going on there. Sorry but you two jumped the gun on that one. I certainly hope something can be done because it's a shame to be born into issues.

I'd definitely try for family counseling, first for you two, then the children.
 

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  • Always ALWAYS put the adult relationship over the kids, even if it's not a blended family. Putting the kids first creates jealousy and frustration from the ignored parent, as well as distancing the adults from each other (See "we just grew apart").
  • Kids should always be treated fairly and equitably. Unless his kids are post-pubescent and yours aren't, there's absolutely no reason for them to be treated this differently.
  • Why the hell is he afraid of his kids?
I also agree with everything that that southern wife and EnjoliWoman have said. But if you two are going to move back in with each other (especially if it means relocating) you should have all your ducks in a row before moving back in.
 
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Your children come first. Give them a stable drama free life. Stop moving in with men. Stop becoming pregnant out of wedlock.
 

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For me the most important is that my kids are happy and comfortable with the changes in our lives. I am taking things very slowly, have not introduced my kids to SO and have made it clear that we have NO intention of moving in together for many years. My oldest would be at Uni and my youngest would be almost finished secondary.

I am able to have a very good relationship with SO without living together. It is very complicated to bring two families together and most people I know do not discuss the issue upfront or do it in a way that does put the children's needs to the fore.
I would never say my relationship is first and then my kids have to fit in around the adults to suit the adults.

Honestly I think moving in, talk of marriage and having a child is all way too much, not that many blended families are really successful. Why the need to rush things?
 

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I think spouses' relationship does come first blended family or not. Again like many said, you need to be on the same page, and that takes communication, time, and effort. Things like discipline need to be discussed prior to marriage and all kids should be treated equally. The whole moving in and out is a lot for kids to take and understand.

On the spanking issue, he shouldnt be required to start spanking his children if that was not how he previously disciplined them, however he shouldn't be advocating for something he does not do to his own.

Kids from blended families do have it tough and maybe it was hard for them to see their dad with someone new, but at that point you had already moved in together. I wonder if it was just an issue of them getting to the new dynamics of your family?

I think you all should look into counseling before you move forward with your relationship.
 

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Kids come first (successfully married for 25 years with 2 children originally from my wife, part of my family called step kids)

If your kids don't like the spouses, first, people your respective kids like.
 

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I wouldn't consider moving in with him again until you're both on the same page regarding discipline. Children need good healthy boundaries in order to feel safe and secure, and those boundaries need to be equitable and upheld by both parents.

If your relationship is to work, OP, you and your partner need to present a firm, but loving, united front to the children, otherwise they're going to play one of you off against the other - which it sounds they are doing already.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
It seems he is afraid they will answer they don't want US to be together. I feel like he showed them in moving out that it's ok to walk out on responsibilities ie pregnant fiance. Whenever times get tough to jump ship. It made me lose faith in him and not trust him. I feel like I''ll always be looking for the next time he''ll walk out on US because of them.
 

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Like Cosmos said, you all need to present a united front. All kids will try to play parents against each other at one time or another, even kids in a nuclear family.

It's going to be hard to get the trust back, and you have a right to feel that way IMO. I really suggest counceling if you decide to work it out with him.
 

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I suspect his daughters at those ages (11 & 9) will be difficult for any new step-parent. Then throw in 3 younger step-sisters plus a new baby is too much drama for them. This will get worse when they become teens. Teenage girls can be a nightmare for parents (some).

I understand you had a dream of a happy blended family & you now see the reality is not easy.

I'm going to be honest here. There is NO WAY I would have moved in with a man after only 14 months w/o marriage when my daughters were as young as yours are & I certainly would not have had another baby with him.

Why was your marriage postponed?
 

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Re: Who comes first new wife or kids?

pretty unanimous among child psychologists that it not only doesn't help but also harms the children
I don't think it unanimous.

controversial issue.

http;//www.drheller.com/spanking.html
 
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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
I suspect his daughters at those ages (11 & 9) will be difficult for any new step-parent. Then throw in 3 younger step-sisters plus a new baby is too much drama for them. This will get worse when they become teens. Teenage girls can be a nightmare for parents (some).

I understand you had a dream of a happy blended family & you now see the reality is not easy.

I'm going to be honest here. There is NO WAY I would have moved in with a man after only 14 months w/o marriage when my daughters were as young as yours are & I certainly would not have had another baby with him.

Why was your marriage postponed?
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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
we canceled due to lots of arguments about kids and me not feeling like i was being heard. he said he felt in the middle. after we canceled things got worse he moved down to basement with his kids and stayed there for 2 months. it was this disconnect and stand off. then he moved out....came back later & we tried to work out things but i feel shafted. the two girls get most of his parenting time. his son sees him once a week. while he has girls literally half time. i feel like my son treated the way i was. he says that not the case though.
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