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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello All, I have written another thread in the divorce/seperation forum highlighting what has recently happened in my marriage but unfortunately it has gotten worse and i need some serious help/advice. This is going to be a long post so bear with me.

My husband has had depression problems the past 1-2 years, it hasnt been very serious just him sleeping alot. He has always been able to function at work and even at home. Until about 2 months ago he was still a smiling, loving and generally happy guy. He is Japanese btw, I am american and we live in Tokyo.

Then I went on a vacation to America to visit my family in August and when i got back it was like a switch was thrown. He suddenly became a totally different person. He started accusing me of being selfish, of not caring about his feelings, blaming me for a variety of things outside of my control and blamed me for essentially hurting his self esteem. I thought, okay maybe he was mad I went to visit my family and had a good time while he was here working. We skyped each other every night and said that we loved and missed each other while I was away so I thought he was doing fine.

two weeks after having come home we had a small fight, it was really nothing serious. There is a new attraction near our home, the Tokyo Sky Tree, so we went to see it but it was so busy there was no way we could go see it, so I asked him to take me home so we could have lunch. I was pretty mad we couldnt go see the sky tree but with a 4 hour wait i thought it was crazy to wait in line that long. Suddenly he clammed up and looked mad. We got home and he grabbed a few things and marched straight back out the door. I couldnt understand why he was so angry but when he came back he suddenly unloaded a whole lot of hurtful things on to me.

He said he no longer loved me, he wanted me to go back to america, he hates that i am grumpy all the time, I am selfish, I dont care about him, we should never have been married, ect. He said so much stuff that I had never known about and really had no idea he felt that way. He also said he wanted a divorce and nothing would change his mind.

A few days passed and he said he feeling had not changed so I called his family and mine and told them what had happened.

Unfortunately, him and I work at the same company and we see each other everyday. I was so depressed over what he said I called my boss and asked for some time off. My husband found out and accused me of trying to hurt his reputation! He further stated that I was so selfish and only thought of myself. Of course that is not what I was trying to do! I was trying to take a time out so I could handle my own feelings. I teach English here and I need to be smiling and happy for my students.

Further more he accused me of trying to ruin his relationship with his family. I did not say anything to them other than " we are fighting and he says he does not love me anymore. I am very sorry for this."

So I took my time off and hung out with close friends and told them also what was going on. I thought for a time that maybe my husband had an affair on me but it seems that is not the case.

Two months later, his depression symptoms have doubled. He has become super angry, critical, sometimes violent (not with me but he will blow up and hit things) he continues to say he does not love me, ect. He blames his depression on me, says that I hurt his self esteem by talking to people about my problems, by being honest with what is going on with my family and friends. Sometimes I facebook people my status but it is never derogatory towards him and is very general. The only time I did facebook something direct I deleted the post right after having posted it due to second thoughts and feeling ashamed that I did it.

I try to keep my cool but its so hard not to cry or get angry when he acts like that.I talk to my friends alot and some close coworkers for advice, I also email my family and call them all the time to update them on my situation.

Last night I found out my husband spied on my emails, this generally is not a problem because I dont keep anything too personal in it however my emails with my mom were there and in it we discussed how to proceed or prevent a divorce, what i need to do to protect myself and what I am entitled to under Japanese law. I also said I thought my husband might be lying to me and he is being childish and immature. Honestly, the emails were not that bad and not outside what would normally be written in a situation like this. However to him this has become a full blown crisis!

He printed out every one of my emails and when i confronted him about it, he said I made everything worse! He said I was supposed to help him, the point of the marriage was me saving him and when I told him that I cant save him from his depression and he needs to go to the doctor he asked what is the point of marriage? I told him marriage isnt about me having his answers, its about working together to solve problems. He cant expect me to be the golden answer for everything!

He also told me he doesnt like pressure, he doesnt like the pressure of marriage. Everytime I confront him about the things he is saying he changes his story or tries to make excuses for it.

I dont make excuses for the things I do. I did NOT apologize for the emails and stated that considering the way he is acting I have the right to protect myself and my family is very worried about me and wants my interests protected. I also know what I do right and wrong in the relationship but everytime i make a move to protect myself, taking time off, talking to people, ect it makes him more and more volatile. He cannot see that he is seriously hurting me and I am trying to keep my mind together so that I dont fall into depression myself.

admittidly sometimes i do lash out, say mean things or try to avoid him/ignore him so we dont argue with each other but no matter what I do I am made to be the bad guy. I also found out he told his parents lies about me and now they think divorce is the best thing when they dont even know my side of the story. It has gotten totally out of hand!

He tries to make me feel guilty for the steps I have taken so far and sometimes its easy to blame myself and think I made things worse but I know that I am not 100% to blame for this and I wont let him drag me down. I want to fight for my marriage but I dont know how =( I have questioned weather or not I had problems, like depression, a personality disorder or something because of how crappy and guilty he made me feel over this.

His depression is not professionally diagnosed so it could be that he is flat out lying to me. I am hoping to get him to a hospital to have him checked out. Luckly his brother is also pushing him to go see a doctor. However, if the doctor does not prescribe him some sort of medication of therapy I feel our marriage is doomed.

I keep praying for a miracle but it feels like none is in sight. Yesterday after the email arguement and after he cried for 30 minutes in his fog he called city hall to file for the divorce without even consulting me first. I think he did this on an emotional whim.

I am wondering if I should file for a Non Divorce Appeal (it will stop the process for 6 months) or if at this point i should just let go and let whats going to happen happen.

Thanks for reading this very long post, today we are working with each other again on the job and things are civil but I know when we get home its going to turn into war again. I wish i could seperate from him but I have no where to go in Japan and no money to get my own place. I only get paid once a month for a part time job and my husband only works part time due to his depression.

Any thoughts, advice or suggestions is greatly appriciated. Thanks!
 

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Thoughs... you are in a very bad situation.

You cannot change him. You cannot make him get the help he needs.

You can only change yourself and change how you interact with him.

Can you move into a seperate room in your home? Do not argue with him anymore. If a conversation starts to go towards an argument just walk away from him and go to a room by yourself, for a walk, anything to get away from him.

Tell him that you will only talk to him when he is being civil, calm, etc.

Do you have Now that he has started the divorce, can you get interim spousal support or part of the assets you will get in settlement? If so you might be able to move out.. even if you get just a small place. At least you will be in peace.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 · (Edited)
Thanks for the reply. I am sleeping in a separate room and we only interract with each other during meal times, other than that i work a split shift so I go back to work at night for a few hours then come home, eat dinner and sleep.

Today he seemed honky dory with everything even with what transpired the night before and he even asked me to get him breakfast this morning when we went to work. I normally dont mind since i go to get some for myself every morning but he seems to have forgotten what he said last night or if he even did he doesnt care. I have no idea whats wrong with him or why he thinks he can ask me for favors when he told me he wants to live without me. also during the meal he wanted to share a funny youtube video with me. He is so up and down I cant rely on if he is going to be happy today or sad tomorrow.

Is this behavior from depression or is it something else. he has no problem going out to see his friends on the weekends but at home he shuts down and sleeps all day or is in an otherwise rotten mood or trying to pick fights with me.

and you are right, i am trying to take care of myself right now and have sent an inquiry to a counseling center in tokyo for personal therapy.
 

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A bit more info would help. How long have you two been married and what are you ages?

Do his moods swing a lot from depressed to happy? Your last post has me wondering if he's bi-polar. I have heard of bi-polar people having major mood swings that are years apart.

Another thing that often leads to what look like depression or changes in personality is infidelity. His anger at you also could be an indicator.

YOu say that he went out with friends on the weekend. Do you know who these friends are? Are you sure that's who he was with?

Another consideration since this seems have come on pretty suddenly with no particular event triggering it is a brain tumor. Maybe you should force the issue of him going to a doctor. I've done this with my husband.. made the appointment myself and told him that he has no choice but to go. And then I go with him, even talking to the doctor.

If you need his brother's help talk to the brother and the two of you get him there. Be sure to tell the doctor that over the last year he has experienced a complete change in personality which includes what looks like sever depression.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
We are both 29 years old and have been married 3 years. I noticed he really started to act funny right after I got back from my vacation and I thought he maybe was trying to have an affair on me with my friend. I confronted both of them on it and they both deny it. To be fair my friend really isnt attracted to him and she has had no contact with him since I got back so Im sure its not her. However he does have many other female friends.

I kind of doubt its an affair because he spends all his time sleeping except for the weekends when he goes out, he usually tells me what friends he is going to be with, they are all guys I know and am friends with to or he is with his brother. He is also always broke too. (I work more than him and I know how big or little his pay check is due to us working at the same place)

He insists he isnt and says his self esteem is too crappy to go after other girls, who would want to date a looser like him. (his words not mine)

I have never ever name called my husband or called him a looser so I dont know where he gets this idea.

I know in Japan if a man cannot work full time and support his family its a really big shame, i work more than him and I also have a higher education and sellable skills ( I was an airplane mechanic for Boeing back in the USA) so I think sometimes he compares himself to me.

His brother is pretty sure its depression or some form of it since he spends alot of time with him, its just a matter of getting him into a hospital. I have also suggested to him to get his heart looked at because of some problems with heart palpitations he has had in the past.

I have suspected Bi polar as well because he cant seem to remember what he says to me in his depression state and when he is happy he acts like nothing is wrong in the world. We have not been intimate with each other since this whole thing began so that is the only reliable thing is his non emotional connection to me anymore.

Thanks again for your reply!
 

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It sounds suspiciously like he might have developed some feelings for someone else & is conflicted.
If you read around on the coping with infidelity boards you will see that an affair is not always physical, at least to start with.
You could try seeking further information, without directly asking him to see if there might be another woman he is talking to, either in person or via cyber means.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Hi Bellavista, I am trying to get more info out of my husband now about an affair but so far he totally denies it. He says he hates that I hurt his pride and he wants a divorce based on the fact that I hurt his feelings somehow.

I have talked to his parents so they know my side of the story so they are both working with me to find a solution.

I am afraid though no matter what I decide the divorce will be forced on my by their son so I warned them that he has already begun to do so.
 

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My husband has Bipolar type II. Your husband's behavior sounds eerily similar to mine. Especially the self-loathing comments and the crafty way he makes me feel like I'm selfish and uncaring when HE is the one being that way. It's called projection. Then after things get bad, he'll all the sudden act like nothing ever happened and be all nice and attentive. I've been married to him for 19 years, hoping things would get better. They aren't. I started counseling today to try to figure out if I even want to try to save my marriage. I'm really tired of being jerked around emotionally. Don't spend as many years as I have being held hostage emotionally. You deserve better.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thanks waking up to life for the reply. I am begininng to fear this might be the case with my husband too. Two days ago he went to the psychiatrist and was given two meds. One is an anti anxiety and one is an anti depressant. Im not sure what the procedure for medication is here in japan but neither of them seems like a big name drug. I think they are just relaxants. He has been given a one week perscription and needs to go back next week for blood tests. I am happy that he went but weather or not he will be consistant with his medication or if it will help us is unknown.

He has not talked about divorce since then or tried to fight with me so maybe just going to the clinic was a relief for him. I am in contact with his family now since he found my emails and i have explained everything to them. His mother is worried about my mental health and honestly, i am worried about my mental health becuase it really isnt getting any easier and im finding my moods tend to get darker and darker and a lot of anger is building up in me.
 

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Good that he's at least starting to seek help. It may take trying several different meds to find what works for him. If I may give some advice if you intend to try to save your marriage: do your best to limit using your MIL as a shoulder to cry on. The more you discuss your marriage problems with her, the more your H will feel ganged up on and exposed, which will only make him more angry and resentful. Get counseling for yourself even if he won't go. It'll help you understand his behavior and how you can more effectively cope with it, if you choose to do so.

Also, don't let him off the hook about turning your life upside down wanting divorce. He doesn't get to do that, then act like nothing happened and leave you guessing as to what his intentions are. Believe me, I know it's painful to have to bring up the subject of his recently wanting divorce, when it would be easier for both of you to bury your heads in the sand and pretend it didn't happen. But that's emotional manipulation at its finest, and that kind of behavior will without a doubt become a regular pattern in your marriage if you allow it. Face the issues head on. I wish I would've done that years ago.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thanks again for the advice. We talked about it more last night but it resulted in my crying and leaving the room. When I cry I go to my own room so he doesnt have to look at me. When I did get up he got angry and stated we were still talking but truly the only thing going on was him judging me and throwing around insults.

I told him he cant force a divorce on me so if he is expecting a no fault one its not going to happen.

I am wondering if I should take it a step further and file for a non divorce motion for 6 months. If he finds out he will be furious but it would deifnately shut up the issue for 6 months and let him know im serious.
 

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Not to sound harsh, but what in the world makes you want to try to force him to stay in a marriage he clearly doesn't want to be in? Do you think you don't deserve better? Forcing him to hold off for 6 months is like putting an animal in a cage and poking it with a stick. As soon as he can get out, he'll make your life hell making you pay for trapping him.

Are you hoping you can get him to see reason in 6 months, or that maybe his medicine will kick in and he'll be all better? It sounds like he needs medication, that's for sure. But even that isn't going to be a magic cure. The underlying issues will still be there. Unless he is 100% willing to work on the marriage and make changes, get ready for what you just went through a couple of nights ago...lather, rinse, repeat...over and over. Is this really what you want in a marriage? No one deserves to be miserable...him or you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 · (Edited)
I guess I am hoping for a miracle at this point but honestly even if I didnt file for the stop i cant go anywhere for a while nor can he afford to send me anywhere other than kick me out of the house. I guess i would just like some security to know he wont do that. I am ia foreign country after all, and alittle far from home. financially i cant just pack up and leave.

Im not sure i really buy the you deserve better/ he deserves better mentality because i think all marriages are plagued with problems. i can jump from marriage to marriage or person to person in hopes that this time will be less a pain in the rear than last time but i doubt it will ever really solve anything so Im going to give it my all for this marriage. Just need to know the do's and dont's with depressed people and how we can stay out of each others hair until one of us is financially set to leave. Or if things miraculously improve...which they probably wont but im still praying.

Im going to wait and see how he reacts to this medicine and if he would be willing to do couples therapy in the future. either way I have to wait.

Waking up to life, considering that you are still(?) with your bi polar husband, maybe i should shoot the questions you asked me back to you? Is your husband on medication or going to therapy of some sort?
 

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I apologize if my comments/questions seem judgmental. That was not my intent. I completely understand the financial aspect of the issue, especially being in a foreign country. And I commend you for being understanding of his condition and wanting to try to save your marriage. Having been through the ups and downs for many years, I just would hate to see you get stuck for so long like I have always hoping it would get better. Definitely do your best to work on your marriage. But don't do it at the expense of your own emotional/mental health.

In my case, my husband has never wanted or threatened divorce. He's just an unhappy person and is very self-focused when it comes to emotional needs...to the point where my emotional needs are not even a consideration for him. He has been on and off medications (now off, because he thinks it made him gain weight and it 'doesn't do any good anyway'). We've been to therapy, but he quit going when he started feeling like the therapist was "blaming" him for things that he didn't agree with.

So why am I still with him? I've been so patient and understanding and supportive of him over the years, always thinking my efforts would change things for the better. But I'm "waking up" to the fact that all I've done is neglected my own emotional needs and enabled him to do so as well. Right now I'm seeing a therapist - he doesn't know, because when I told him I wanted to get counseling for myself, he got angry and didn't want me to go. So I'm going secretly for now. Time will tell...
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Hi Waking up to life, thanks for explaining everything. I hope seeing a therapist will help you. I scheduled an appointment for myself for this friday to also see one and I managed to convince my husband to see one as well. The catch is that I have to pay for everything so Im working over time to make the money for it since its not covered under Japanese health insurance. It atleast a step in the right direction though and I think we owe it to each other to give it a try. We are going to have individual sessions, not together to start out with until his in comfortable with himself.

A few days ago he had another emotional breakdown when I handed him back our wedding rings. I told them he can keep them as a momento or if things change with his feelings he can give them back to me. I wrote him a very long love letter apologizing for what I did and told him I will support and pay for his therapy in return. He came into my room crying and saying he was so sorry for how he is treating me.

After watching him go through this I realize the man I have been dealing with for two months is NOT my husband and there truly is something bad going on in his head. When he goes through his cycles its like he has two personalities, one that is very guilty and apologetic and one that is defiant and uncaring. Along with the medication he is taking maybe talking to a psychiatrist will help him sort his feelings out.

In the meantime I am making plans for myself and slowly dredging through this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
First and foremost i want to thank everyone who replied to my OP and i wanted to update my situation.

I went to the therapist for the first time last friday. I was a bit nervous at first but i liked the guy and felt he was friendly and honest so i dont mind to go back for a second session. He gave me some good advice with my husband too and how to handle his depression.

My husband also went to a therapist the same day but he did not like the guy (different from mine, he wanted a bilingual one) i am not sure why but i dont think my husband can take any advice and critisism in his state so im not going to force him to go back until he is ready.

He is really confusing me these days. He keeps cooking me dinner and when i ask him why he said that he needs to cook for himself anyway so its easier for him to cook for me too. He also waited for me at the train station after work, something he hasnt done in forever. I thanked him for it of course but later when I asked him why he said "you would be mad if i didnt." Honestly he hasnt bothered in 3 months so i wouldnt of cared either way, im used to him walking off now but i am happy he waited for me. Why would he say that?

I also asked him if he wants me to cook him lunch today, he said yes and i asked if it makes him happy if i cook for him, he said yes again. When i asked him about it later that day again he said, " i thought you would be mad if i didnt let you." Huh??????? i hate cooking and he knows that i do.

I talked to him a bit more later on and asked him how he was feeling. He said same as usual. I assume that means crappy. He has been on hsis meds 3 weeks so i dont expect it to be any different.

He said i should take my rings back ( the ones i gave him with the love letter days ago) and i told him that i rather he gave them to me. He said I will never give them back to you. As in basically, i will never love you again. I didnt get upset this time. I asked him calmly, dont you think the way you look at our marriage is a problem? Of course he had no answer.

I guess that there is no way to reason with a depressed person, they are to warped by their own feelings to see the writing on the wall or whats right infront of them. Its very sad and alittle disgusting to me but im trying to be as patient as possible. I guess this thread will turn into a diary for me as time goes on.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 · (Edited)
Just checking in: the past 10 days my husband has gone back to his parents house for the new years holiday as is the tradition in Japan. I have no idea what they talked about while he was there or what his parents might have said. I guess at this point it doesnt matter. Nothing is really different and I dont expect my husband to be any nice to me when he gets back. He was given a different medication before he left because the previous one has no effect at all. He was on Supiride but now he is on Zoloft. The day he took it he said he felt a tingling in his head so I guess that means it has some sort of effect though if its a good one I have no idea.

We got in a fight before he left. I have been working alot at my job these days to give him space and he said a comment that sounded like he was criticizing my work ethic so I told him it was rude and insulting considering he can barely work at all. I told him to leave me alone for 10 days not not contact me. We didnt really contact rach other while he was away, he did once to ask me about a frivolous issue and i did a few times via email text to tell him about the goings on in tokyo for the holidays, everytime was short and simple.

Over the past few days though he did email me an old photo of his family and explained some of his old relatives to me. Not sure why did felt the need to share but I guess i should count it as a good thing that he felt inclined to share anything with me at all.

He is coming back tonight, im hoping it all doesnt blow to hell again. I will write back in a few days if anything developes.
 

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Sorry to hear things are still so difficult for you. I admire the way you have learned to set limits for him to protect yourself from his bad behavior (no contact while he was at parents, etc).

How did it feel being home by yourself for 10 days without him around? My guess is that your home felt peaceful for a change. It is indescribably exhausting to live with someone who has a mood/personality disorder. I hope you're still going to counseling. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
 

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Yes.
Hope that your situation will improve soon. You sound like you are coping really well.

If I am very honest with you, I find that my own "marriage" has been really difficult. But yours sound like you are having a very difficult time! Perhaps, no one is having an "easy" marriage after all..

One thing I can say is that when you are dealing with a man who has a completely different cultural mindset, it might/may make things harder for you and perhaps for him as well? These differences can be easily overlooked as something to smile about when you are still on a honeymoon period. But in a long run, he may well have been struggling?

Perhaps his "symptom" of depression could well be a reflection that he may be stressed out over a long period? When I was struggling with my own marriage when h's long term affair came to surface, I cannot say I was happy; perhaps, I was even mildly depressed. It felt like my marriage was killing me.

Perhaps, your h isn't coping well - it would be curious to know if his depression suddenly lifts when he gets his freedom by not having to live in his stressful marriage no matter how much he loved you and he decided to marry you. In my experience, 3 years old marriage is when the reality sets in post-honeymoon period. That was my case anyway...

Wish you all the best,
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 · (Edited)
Hello Omegaa and thanks for commenting. I thought about what you said and i suspected the same thing, there are just a few things though i should add to my story. When i met my husband he had been living in the usa for 5 years and worked at a US company so he knows culturally how we work and think, his job was mostly girls (textile business) so im sure he has heard all the nitty gritty in american women long before he met me.

This may just be my opinion but in comparison to japanese wives i think im pretty easy to live with. I dont care what job he has so long as he is happy, i dont care what income level he is so long as the bills are paid, he can have any hobby he likes, heck i may even join him if he would find one, i like to do many things so im flexible. I make my own money and pay for my own luxuries, i never ask him for money and i dont expect a monthly allowance from him. I also dont control his money like most wives do here. His money is his money and mine is my own. We split the bills 50/50

So i dont really know what he has to be depressed about other than maybe having an identity crisis, he has only even worked part time jobs his whole life and he is hitting the age where it may be too late to find a career ( if you dont find one by 30 in japan you are screwed) and having depression on his health record wont do him any good either. I think the social pressure here is too great becuase he tends to have western thinking and so does his parents whom work for a western company. He does not want to live in america either eventhough i think it would be better for him socially.

I think he is really unhappy with himself and he just takes it out on me. I have always known what i like and dislike, what i want and dont want and it has not changed sincei met him. I have the same hobbies and habbits i did when we were dating.
 
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