Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 20 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I really need advice! I have been married over 25 years and feel like I barely know my husband. He has always been a private person, and appearances is most important to him. He has always been the one in charge of our finances to the point of handling all of the checking accounts, paying bills, taxes (most years I don't even see the tax returns and he signs my name), etc. He has even started business partnerships with other people and I would only find out after the decission was already made. His defence is it's business and he doesn't need to run to me everytime a decission has to be made. Many of his decissions have been devistating financially for our family and has even led to bankrupcy even though I tried to offer advice early on that I felt like he was making a bad decision.
Last year, he changed banks for one of his business accounts and while he was at it, he opened a private checking in his name only. I found out about it when he received a bank card in the mail. After 25 plus years of marriage, I felt like he was decieving me and asked him to close the account which he easily agreed to do saying he was thinking about transfering our joint account to that bank also but had change his mind, so no problem. Yesterday, I discovered that he nevered closed that account, and uses it every month. Because he has multible business, I have no way of tracking our income, but I'm growing more and more suspicious of his activities and it is harder to trust him. He has told me that he has lost almost all intrest in sex, that he doesn't even want to be touched. He says he has too much stress in his life and he worries about his potency, along with weight gain, depression, etc. I have found nude images of women on his smart phone which he denies having any intrest in pornography. Throughout the years I've tried to get him to open up with me about his dreams, his fears, fantasy's etc.,but he shuts down and never let's me into "his" world. I feel cheated, neglected, abused and decieved. Who is this man, and what should I do?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
624 Posts
Are the pics on his phone from him surfing and downloading them or were they sent via text by some OW?

Sounds like he may be getting it somewhere else.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
45,139 Posts
I hope you are keeping copies of every bit of financial information that you get your hands on, especially things like his personal account.

You can get copies of all of th back tax papers he has files directly from the IRS. I suggest that you do this so that you know more about what is going on with your finances.

You might also tell him that in the future, you have to sign your own name to the tax forms or you will protest to the IRS>

Financially you are in a very bad situation as he could be driving up debt and tax obligations that also fall on you. But you have allowed this to continue for 25 years so breaking his habits now will be very hard.

Tell him that since his finances are also your finances you will not longer accept his secrecy and his unilateral actions. From here on out he has to be transparent on everything.

What state do you live in?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Yes it is illegal. But she has been allowing it.
I have asked to see and sign, I've gotten excuses like they are at the accountant or he had to file an extension so he'll get them to me later.
After they were filed he said he didn't have time to take them to me, he needed to file them right away...always some excuse. There are years that I do sign, but not all. Some I do see, but never have I seen any business records.
He keeps many of our personal records at his office supposedly because that is where he needs them during the work day if he needs to pull up any information. If I try talk about business with him, he gets agitated and tells me that I don't understand, he wants to come home to get away from business and that by me bringing anything up, I have ruined his evening. He will give me the silent treatment for the rest of the night, so I have learned to just keep silent.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I hope you are keeping copies of every bit of financial information that you get your hands on, especially things like his personal account.

You can get copies of all of th back tax papers he has files directly from the IRS. I suggest that you do this so that you know more about what is going on with your finances.

You might also tell him that in the future, you have to sign your own name to the tax forms or you will protest to the IRS>

Financially you are in a very bad situation as he could be driving up debt and tax obligations that also fall on you. But you have allowed this to continue for 25 years so breaking his habits now will be very hard.

Tell him that since his finances are also your finances you will not longer accept his secrecy and his unilateral actions. From here on out he has to be transparent on everything.

What state do you live in?
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Posted via Mobile Device
I put my foot down last year and he promised to be transparent with me about everything. It seemed to be going well for a while, but I noticed old attitudes creeping back in and I started watching his activity on line and came across a place where he hid his passwords to certain accounts, that's how I found out about this other checking account (which he doesn't know I know). I feel bad about all this spying, but I didn't think he was being honest, this is the only thing I've uncovered so far, besides him saving some photo's of nude women off of the Internet (no one he knows personally). But he keeps everything locked up. He has his phone on lock, his laptop has to have a pass to get on (with two user accounts), he doesn't share anything with me, but I give him free access to everything I have.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Yes it is illegal. But she has been allowing it.
I never allowed anything, when I discovered what he had done, I got angry and told him not to do that, and he offered some believable excuses at the time and said it wouldn't happen again.
And often I never know when he's turning in the taxes becauses he always files an extension. I should have tried harder, I know, but it's difficult with him, he gets very impatient and difficult. Somehow, I end up looking like the overreacting, unintelligent one at the end of all our conflicts.
Now I'm feeling very frightened.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
450 Posts
Yes, him FORGING your signature on any document is serious, but Tax documents is a FEDERAL offense. He needs to stop this ASAP! Do you even know who your CPA is? If not, you can order a copy of your returns, the CPA/tax preparer has to sign when completing them. When you find out who it is, I'd contact them directly and let them know you've never agreed to this. Go o IRS.gov; there you'll find the info you need to get copies.

There are ways to get around the password function on his laptops, etc. Don't quote me on it but I believe it involves getting the pc/laptop into 'safe mode'. Do you have any trustworthy, tech savvy friends that could help you with this?

All the financial secrecy here seems really scary. There has to be something he's hiding; maybe even some kind of addiction. The pictures on his phone may indicate a pornography/sex addiction. The fact that he's not sexually active with you says this might be the case. For him to claim bankruptcy, it may have gotten bigger than him. He gets angry, frustrated because he's afraid of what the consequences might be if you ever found out what's really going on. He may even be a little embarrassed too.

Yep! Opening a bank account of your own is a great start to getting you on the right tract financially.

Best of luck to you. We're all here if you need us.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 3Xnocharm

·
Registered
Joined
·
606 Posts
You are married to a manipulative, sneaky, dishonest, irresponsible, man. How dare he shut you down or accuse you or ruining his night by seeking answers to questions that you have a right to know. SOmething unkosher is going on here. He doesn't need to keep records at work "in case something comes up." I do the finances and taxes in my house, and I can't think of any time that I needed to refer to these documents. Since you are no longer content to remain oblivious, it's time for your to stop taking his BS and letting his anger manipulate the argument. Tell him that either he disclose everything financial to you, or you will find it all out yourself. My own credit report shows everything. I think if you run a credit report with his and your SS#, you'll get a better picture of your financial situation. Find out who the CPA is and get copies. I'd consider leaving such a dishonest, sneaky person.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,003 Posts
You mean, "he puts your signature by faking it"? This is surely illegal?
If you file electronically you arent technically signing.... I do my taxes every year and H never signs.

He knows but he doesnt have to sign!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,232 Posts
You are married to a manipulative, sneaky, dishonest, irresponsible, man. How dare he shut you down or accuse you or ruining his night by seeking answers to questions that you have a right to know. SOmething unkosher is going on here. He doesn't need to keep records at work "in case something comes up." I do the finances and taxes in my house, and I can't think of any time that I needed to refer to these documents. Since you are no longer content to remain oblivious, it's time for your to stop taking his BS and letting his anger manipulate the argument. Tell him that either he disclose everything financial to you, or you will find it all out yourself. My own credit report shows everything. I think if you run a credit report with his and your SS#, you'll get a better picture of your financial situation. Find out who the CPA is and get copies. I'd consider leaving such a dishonest, sneaky person.
:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,453 Posts
I have asked to see and sign, I've gotten excuses like they are at the accountant or he had to file an extension so he'll get them to me later.
After they were filed he said he didn't have time to take them to me, he needed to file them right away...always some excuse. There are years that I do sign, but not all. Some I do see, but never have I seen any business records.
He keeps many of our personal records at his office supposedly because that is where he needs them during the work day if he needs to pull up any information. If I try talk about business with him, he gets agitated and tells me that I don't understand, he wants to come home to get away from business and that by me bringing anything up, I have ruined his evening. He will give me the silent treatment for the rest of the night, so I have learned to just keep silent.
It sounds like he knows exactly how to shut you down when you ask awkward questions!

OP, you need to insist on knowing the status of the family finances, and never put your signature to ANY document that you haven't read thoroughly.

It does sound as though there's a total lack of any meaningful communication in your marriage, and perhaps MC might be a last resort?
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
45,139 Posts
I never allowed anything, when I discovered what he had done, I got angry and told him not to do that, and he offered some believable excuses at the time and said it wouldn't happen again.
And often I never know when he's turning in the taxes becauses he always files an extension. I should have tried harder, I know, but it's difficult with him, he gets very impatient and difficult. Somehow, I end up looking like the overreacting, unintelligent one at the end of all our conflicts.
Now I'm feeling very frightened.
You are allowing it as long as you do not raise a stink and even contact the IRS.

He works to try to make you look 'overreacting and unintelligent" as a defense so he can do what he wants to.


Do you know what the innocent spouse defense is for the IRS? You need to get very well versed in it as I think there might come a time when you will need to use it. You have no idea what your husband is doing and what legal and tax problems he could be getting you into.

Get a copy of that file with all the passwords, etc. Are there passwords to online bank accounts, loan accounts, etc? If so go into the accounts and down load copies of every statement for as far back as you can. Every month download the financial info from them. He will not know you are in there if you are careful. Have some kind of a memory device that you put these copies on. Keep at least on copy somewhere outside of your home.

I would not stay married to a man who handled JOINT finances this way.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
45,139 Posts
By the way... some will think I am crazy.. but what I would do is to plan to divorce him because by being married to him you are liable for all debt and could be made liable for all tax issues.

Me? I could put in a change of address for all mail to a PO box so that I captured at least one month of his mail. then I'd out cancel the addres change.

Yes I know it can be a felony to change someone's address. But you are part owner of everything he has.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,810 Posts
I really need advice! I have been married over 25 years and feel like I barely know my husband. He has always been a private person, and appearances is most important to him. He has always been the one in charge of our finances to the point of handling all of the checking accounts, paying bills, taxes (most years I don't even see the tax returns and he signs my name), etc. He has even started business partnerships with other people and I would only find out after the decission was already made. His defence is it's business and he doesn't need to run to me everytime a decission has to be made. Many of his decissions have been devistating financially for our family and has even led to bankrupcy even though I tried to offer advice early on that I felt like he was making a bad decision.
Last year, he changed banks for one of his business accounts and while he was at it, he opened a private checking in his name only. I found out about it when he received a bank card in the mail. After 25 plus years of marriage, I felt like he was decieving me and asked him to close the account which he easily agreed to do saying he was thinking about transfering our joint account to that bank also but had change his mind, so no problem. Yesterday, I discovered that he nevered closed that account, and uses it every month. Because he has multible business, I have no way of tracking our income, but I'm growing more and more suspicious of his activities and it is harder to trust him. He has told me that he has lost almost all intrest in sex, that he doesn't even want to be touched. He says he has too much stress in his life and he worries about his potency, along with weight gain, depression, etc. I have found nude images of women on his smart phone which he denies having any intrest in pornography. Throughout the years I've tried to get him to open up with me about his dreams, his fears, fantasy's etc.,but he shuts down and never let's me into "his" world. I feel cheated, neglected, abused and decieved. Who is this man, and what should I do?

How is he organizing these businesses? You need to be an officer in each of them. He shouldn't be excluding you in things like this that directly affect you.

If he's setting up single owner LLC's or S corps with only one officer, then no, they technically aren't joint. (But they will be treated as such during a divorce.)
 
1 - 20 of 20 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top