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28 Posts
Need some thoughts and opinions on this:
I have been the earning member of my family for the duration of the marriage for 10 years. I feel I have been a very responsible husband and father. on few occassions both of us have had issues with outbursts of our anger though at each other. Nothing extreme except single slaps on each other a few times. My wife was making about 20% of what I did for 1 year or so and then she left her job and accompanied me to various places around the world. We settled in a country where the government pays certain unemployment allowance (about 25% of my income) while the wife trains for employment and about 10% of my income for taking care of our 2 kids. She will start getting these monies in the next month.
Now my younger son goes to daycare for which the monthly charges are about 10% of my income. I got my wife a trainee job in the company I worked in and she got an allowance for that. We agreed to open her bank account since she made the money. Now in the same time we got the permanent residence permit in the country so now she does not have to stay dependent on me to stay here. She said that she will keep 3000 currency in her account because she does not trust me and I agreed. (her reason of distrust are frivilous). We agreed she will spend anything over that on household expenses. Now that she will start receiving unemployment expenses she says she will only contribute 50% of it and rest she will accumulate in her account.
My fear is that she will leave me as the country's rules enable her to separate easily as it guarentees her support even though she is unemployed. I now wish to return to my home country to take care of my parents who are desperately in need. She does not want to return as she can stay independently here.
So I want her to contribute equally to the household expenses so that she has the security of 3000 currency but at the same time does not unfairly accumulate extra to enable her to leave with my kids. I want us to stay together whereever.
The facts:
She liked being a stay at home mom but is/was a lazy and non responsible one. Result was it came at a cost of growth of our sons. After a few attempts at trying to change her I gave up and let the situation be since I could not change her.
She cannot get a job related to her training because she is just not upto it. The temporary one that she got was because of my help in getting it and she could not extend it further due to her incompetence.
Now she throws a tantrum when I ask her to contribute to various bills. She wants now to accumulate money and says I do not trust her. She has in the past gone to the verge of separating at the expense of governments money.
I dont want separation as I will lose the kids in the process. I love her and she is now just obsessed in building her bank balance.
I have always provided for her in all ways. The past disagreements of spending money on minor things have suddenly now acquired a vicious touch as she wants to quarrel all the time now that she is not dependent on me anymore due to the country's support.
Her monthly government support is for supporting herself minimally and certainly not enough to be her 50% share of household expenses.
We have had other issues in our sex life but we agreed on certain things and that seemed sorted out for both of us. But now her quarrelsome attitude on financial stuff is very upsetting and ruining our relationship now.
So now I am in danger of losing my family.
My mother is in a terminal kind of illness
I am in danger of losing my job due to the economic slowdown and also because our marital life has started effecting work adversely.
She has threatened to bring false charges against me and my parents and land us in jail just because the laws assume a woman's words to be true till case is proven in court. I dont want a legal hassle at this time with so many issues churning around me.
Is my expectation of asking her to contribute to household expenses subject to her keeping a balance of 3000 currency in her account fair? The government is after all giving it to her to spend it rather than to accumulate it in her bank.
I am keeping up with her extremely aggressive and abusive ways for the last 3 months now and turning more and more patient. She however has become irrational, any slight dissent or protest from my part causes outbursts from her.
She has a close girlfriend and her husband and she both support her in addition to her parents. I on the other hand have not built close friends here (outside work) and certainly not been talking behind her back to any of my friends about the issues. The issue is also shameful for me to bring up in front of others for fear of jeopardising the situation further.
Her additional demand is that I should add her name in a couple of other assets where it is not added so that she gets 50% share. That would leave me at her mercy when I am in need. She already refused to agree to sell one asset when I needed it to buy a good home in my home country. I added her name in a few assets where she did not contribute any money early on in our marriage.
I know there will be suggestions of moving on and divorce but that is out of question from my side. I just want us to stay together and I am willing to support forever from my side. But this brinksmanship from her is so so unsettling. I know about the 180 degrees, MMSL etc etc. There have been small results from that sides which was encouraging. I will keep doing that slowly.
Its hard to feel that I am being gobbled up and so is our future along with our kids'. I hate the institution on marriage now for its unfairness. She has been breaking all the marriage vows that we made. It seems she wants her independence without any responsibilities or duties.
Marriage counselling is something that will not work because she does not want to even look up any article that help in solving on marital problem. Basically she always says I dont need to read anything to understand our situation. Same will be her attitude to what the marriage counsellor will say.
I am doing all the communication, wanting to do the solutions and she just seems to raise issues and fight on every pretext. I am taking all precautions not to ruffle her feathers and tactfully leading to solutions. My hours of talks calm her down for a few days until she gets into fighting mode on trivial things.
I guess I am asking the question am I being a jerk in asking for what I think is fair or is she being the jerk? Or is there more?
I have been the earning member of my family for the duration of the marriage for 10 years. I feel I have been a very responsible husband and father. on few occassions both of us have had issues with outbursts of our anger though at each other. Nothing extreme except single slaps on each other a few times. My wife was making about 20% of what I did for 1 year or so and then she left her job and accompanied me to various places around the world. We settled in a country where the government pays certain unemployment allowance (about 25% of my income) while the wife trains for employment and about 10% of my income for taking care of our 2 kids. She will start getting these monies in the next month.
Now my younger son goes to daycare for which the monthly charges are about 10% of my income. I got my wife a trainee job in the company I worked in and she got an allowance for that. We agreed to open her bank account since she made the money. Now in the same time we got the permanent residence permit in the country so now she does not have to stay dependent on me to stay here. She said that she will keep 3000 currency in her account because she does not trust me and I agreed. (her reason of distrust are frivilous). We agreed she will spend anything over that on household expenses. Now that she will start receiving unemployment expenses she says she will only contribute 50% of it and rest she will accumulate in her account.
My fear is that she will leave me as the country's rules enable her to separate easily as it guarentees her support even though she is unemployed. I now wish to return to my home country to take care of my parents who are desperately in need. She does not want to return as she can stay independently here.
So I want her to contribute equally to the household expenses so that she has the security of 3000 currency but at the same time does not unfairly accumulate extra to enable her to leave with my kids. I want us to stay together whereever.
The facts:
She liked being a stay at home mom but is/was a lazy and non responsible one. Result was it came at a cost of growth of our sons. After a few attempts at trying to change her I gave up and let the situation be since I could not change her.
She cannot get a job related to her training because she is just not upto it. The temporary one that she got was because of my help in getting it and she could not extend it further due to her incompetence.
Now she throws a tantrum when I ask her to contribute to various bills. She wants now to accumulate money and says I do not trust her. She has in the past gone to the verge of separating at the expense of governments money.
I dont want separation as I will lose the kids in the process. I love her and she is now just obsessed in building her bank balance.
I have always provided for her in all ways. The past disagreements of spending money on minor things have suddenly now acquired a vicious touch as she wants to quarrel all the time now that she is not dependent on me anymore due to the country's support.
Her monthly government support is for supporting herself minimally and certainly not enough to be her 50% share of household expenses.
We have had other issues in our sex life but we agreed on certain things and that seemed sorted out for both of us. But now her quarrelsome attitude on financial stuff is very upsetting and ruining our relationship now.
So now I am in danger of losing my family.
My mother is in a terminal kind of illness
I am in danger of losing my job due to the economic slowdown and also because our marital life has started effecting work adversely.
She has threatened to bring false charges against me and my parents and land us in jail just because the laws assume a woman's words to be true till case is proven in court. I dont want a legal hassle at this time with so many issues churning around me.
Is my expectation of asking her to contribute to household expenses subject to her keeping a balance of 3000 currency in her account fair? The government is after all giving it to her to spend it rather than to accumulate it in her bank.
I am keeping up with her extremely aggressive and abusive ways for the last 3 months now and turning more and more patient. She however has become irrational, any slight dissent or protest from my part causes outbursts from her.
She has a close girlfriend and her husband and she both support her in addition to her parents. I on the other hand have not built close friends here (outside work) and certainly not been talking behind her back to any of my friends about the issues. The issue is also shameful for me to bring up in front of others for fear of jeopardising the situation further.
Her additional demand is that I should add her name in a couple of other assets where it is not added so that she gets 50% share. That would leave me at her mercy when I am in need. She already refused to agree to sell one asset when I needed it to buy a good home in my home country. I added her name in a few assets where she did not contribute any money early on in our marriage.
I know there will be suggestions of moving on and divorce but that is out of question from my side. I just want us to stay together and I am willing to support forever from my side. But this brinksmanship from her is so so unsettling. I know about the 180 degrees, MMSL etc etc. There have been small results from that sides which was encouraging. I will keep doing that slowly.
Its hard to feel that I am being gobbled up and so is our future along with our kids'. I hate the institution on marriage now for its unfairness. She has been breaking all the marriage vows that we made. It seems she wants her independence without any responsibilities or duties.
Marriage counselling is something that will not work because she does not want to even look up any article that help in solving on marital problem. Basically she always says I dont need to read anything to understand our situation. Same will be her attitude to what the marriage counsellor will say.
I am doing all the communication, wanting to do the solutions and she just seems to raise issues and fight on every pretext. I am taking all precautions not to ruffle her feathers and tactfully leading to solutions. My hours of talks calm her down for a few days until she gets into fighting mode on trivial things.
I guess I am asking the question am I being a jerk in asking for what I think is fair or is she being the jerk? Or is there more?