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This was mentioned in another thread but thought it warranted discussion.
I know women on both sides of that argument. But my best friend and I agree the primary relationship must come first. I was a woman first (and must honor her by behaving in an independent, self preserving manner), I was a wife second (and that is my primary relationship) and a mother 3rd.
Yes, a mother's love is unconditional and sometimes children DO need to come first - I'm not talking about ignoring a crying baby. But I need to come first sometimes (the woman) so if I need a quiet bath or a shopping trip unencumbered by a child, I don't feel guilty asserting that need.
Then, sometimes the spouse needs to come first - that is the basis for the child's emotional security. Adults must present as a unified front to children so they understand who is in charge and feel happy and secure. And of course there are lots of times a child must come first but it should not be the general rule. I think it results in a spouse feeling neglected. All must be well balanced.
And I feel if I'm happy woman, I'm a better wife (or girlfriend now) and if I'm a better wife who is happy with herself and in her marriage, I'll be a better mother. Each begets the other.
Now in the age of divorce, including my own due to an abusive husband, do I put my boyfriend first or my child? There are still times one will come before the other. But I'm basing this on the assumption that he'll be around when she goes off to college and I need my primary relationship to be solid. My daughter will respect that as long as she is not neglected in the process. I think the key is to make sure they feel equally loved and treasured.
Who comes first in your marriage?
Has your current hierarchy helped or hindered your marriage?
I know women on both sides of that argument. But my best friend and I agree the primary relationship must come first. I was a woman first (and must honor her by behaving in an independent, self preserving manner), I was a wife second (and that is my primary relationship) and a mother 3rd.
Yes, a mother's love is unconditional and sometimes children DO need to come first - I'm not talking about ignoring a crying baby. But I need to come first sometimes (the woman) so if I need a quiet bath or a shopping trip unencumbered by a child, I don't feel guilty asserting that need.
Then, sometimes the spouse needs to come first - that is the basis for the child's emotional security. Adults must present as a unified front to children so they understand who is in charge and feel happy and secure. And of course there are lots of times a child must come first but it should not be the general rule. I think it results in a spouse feeling neglected. All must be well balanced.
And I feel if I'm happy woman, I'm a better wife (or girlfriend now) and if I'm a better wife who is happy with herself and in her marriage, I'll be a better mother. Each begets the other.
Now in the age of divorce, including my own due to an abusive husband, do I put my boyfriend first or my child? There are still times one will come before the other. But I'm basing this on the assumption that he'll be around when she goes off to college and I need my primary relationship to be solid. My daughter will respect that as long as she is not neglected in the process. I think the key is to make sure they feel equally loved and treasured.
Who comes first in your marriage?
Has your current hierarchy helped or hindered your marriage?