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Which way to go???

1517 Views 14 Replies 9 Participants Last post by  IsGirl3, 
S
Hi All,

I am in this loveless, sexless marriage. We've been married for ten years and have 2 kids-5yrs and 10 months.

My husband has a good job, earns well but has serious anger issues. He's a control freak in my opinion. It took me a while to figure that out. It's bcoz he does lots of chores that many men are lazy at but he does only those things that he wants to do. So it's not about helping me. But I still appreciate the help.

He has no emotional attachment to anyone, no real friends and he doesn't care about socializing nor does he miss it. We never have anyone come to our house. I, on the other hand, love having people over. I find it very difficult to be living a life with no friends, no get-togethers, no celebrations. I also fear that this will hurt our kids social behavior.

I've spoken to H several times about this. He acts like he agrees with me but goes back to his old self. I don't see him making any serious attempt to change. The other part is his anger. Being a control-freak, he cannot tolerate even if the smallest thing is not done his way. With the older kid, he snaps at him all the time. Within seconds of waking up in the morning, the two of them will be butting heads. He has hit the kid several times which I've strongly opposed but he doesn't care for my words. He's very rude with the kid. With me, if I don't agree he'll just walk away. Even generally, we never do anything together. He'll either stay out of it completely or do it alone; even something as simple as cooking.

He doesn't like to fix things around the house nor does he like spending money on handymen. If it's not important to him, he'll not get it done. My preferences do not matter to him at all. I used to be a SAHM. But all this made me very depressed; I've developed severe low self-esteem as I feel unloved, unwanted, I've lost my communication skills, I'm just a walking dead person. I try to cheer myself up every once in a while, but he brings me down quickly. I feel suicidal all the time; I feel trapped as I don't know what to do with the kids.

I don't see myself growing old with him. He'll never care for me. When I'm down he never consoles me. He stays away from me as much as he can(for e.g., he'll be downstairs when I'm upstairs, never makes any plans to do anything like watch a movie or go to a restaurant, he's never eager to be around me). Needless to say, there's no sex. He keeps saying that we're not newly married anymore so the spark has gone. But we're still in our 30s. I don't think men lose it that early. Even if some day we've sex, it's more like he masturbates on me. He doesn't talk to me or even look at me during sex and once done quickly turns and goes to sleep. I feel like I'm just a commodity for him. Maybe he's thinking of some porn star while masturbating on me. It makes me feel very cheap.

I believe marriage is a 2 way street. Both have to respect each other's preferences and should do things for one another. I cook all the time and make his favorite dishes without him having to ask for it. I care for the kids, found a good daycare for them since I found a full time job and make efforts to build our social circle. In return, I only expect to be treated like a lady. I want a man who will take care of me and my kids. With whom I feel secure, who does not whine about his responsibilities, who does not act like a jail warden. I'm thinking much into the future, when we grow old, how is he going to treat me when I've health issues, how is he going to handle the kids when they turn teenagers, how is going to guide them. He acts like a teenager himself.

I'm very scared about our future. I've felt several times that I should walk away. I'm not sure if that's the right decision and if it is where do I go. What will be my kids' future? I've been patient for a long time but I cannot take it anymore.

Any advice is appreciated.

Thanks
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B
Hi dear,

His attitude depends on the way how you have build your marriage from the begining. Has he been so rude and so idiot since the begning?
I think that he wants to have a family,as a secure place where to turn back at night and it`s a type of a career man who puts the job over the family.
Why you don`t get a job for yourself and you will be more activ and more close to `normal` people.That will be so good for you. Kids need to stay with their own age.
You do not have to say or to think about suicide.No that`s not the way to repair things.
Try to go out from the home and show your husband how brave are you...work-kids-home-husband.

Hope this helps.
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SimplyAmorous
StillLookimg... your story is very disheartening....

You are in a crisis here... He sounds stone cold /callus /indifferent to everyone's needs in the family.

So how was he when dating... did you & he have a healthy "emotional connection" then?

What do you feel went wrong? Does he have a porn addiction?

Does he know you are wanting out /thinking of leaving him . Often times the threat of losing someone can wake them up. Marriage counseling or divorce may be what you'll have to do.

Controlling Behaviors

I found a full time job and make efforts to build our social circle.
Click to expand...
This is a good start. Build your social circle in the meantime...you will need your friends/family to lean on....if you & he doesn't find your way out of this ...and you feel the need to move on with your life, taking your children with you.
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EleGirl
It sounds like you are in a relationship that is not good for you or your children. There are people who cannot handle being close to other people. Sounds like your husband.

You have a job now. That’s a good first step. Do what you can to build that job into something that you can use to support yourself. If you need more schooling look into that as well.

You would most likely benefit from seeing a counselor so specializes in abusive relationships. You need to find a way out of this situation your and your children’s sake. The sooner the better.
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SlowlyGettingWiser
Sounds like your husband has a personality disorder. If so, he's NOT going to change, even with professional help (which he will, of course, REFUSE).

Start figuring out how you will make it on your own. What is YOUR income, how much will your state order your H to pay in child support, how much will it cost for rent/mortgage, utilities, food, clothes, etc. for you and the children, car, insurance, etc.

Don't get discouraged! It just takes some time to figure things our and get some plans in order. If your life makes you numb, if you're watching days, weeks, months slip away while you wonder how long you have until you're in a grave (because at least *THAT* will be different than the sameness of all this current despair), then you need to GET THE HECK OUT, don't turn back, keep on moving forward.

You CAN build a new life for yourself and your children. You CAN be happy again. You CAN be strong enough to do it (you'll be amazed how much stronger and focused you will feel when you have that 'lightbulb' moment and you realize that the life you want, the life you dream about, CAN HAPPEN a step at a time). You CAN have a life with the POSSIBILITY of happiness, the POSSIBILITY of peace, the POSSIBILITY of purpose, the POSSIBILITY of someone new who loves you, the POSSIBILITY of feeling strong and in charge of YOUR life. I know it may seem hard, but coming to TAM is the FIRST STEP.

I was WHERE YOU ARE IN October of last year (2011). I was miserable, thought about when I would be dead (not killing myself, just the peace of non-existence), realized my life was slipping away a day, a week at a time. I told my STBXH that I wanted a divorce. He talked me into waiting through the holidays so they "wouldn't be ruined", yeah... I decided to wait until the end of the schoolyear (have a teenager).

In April of this year (2012) with one month of schoolyear left, I found TAM and realized I did NOT have to stay and be miserable. I told him I was leaving. He went NUTS (physically AND verbally).

Left him in May 2012, found a job in June 2012 (I hadn't worked in 10 years because I was a SAHM). I AM SO HAPPY NOW, it is UNBELIEVABLE. Six months into this journey and I wake up happy EVERY SINGLE FREAKIN' DAY!!!! I work hard, I pay my bills, I spend my time doing what I want to, I've reconnected with old friends! No one ignores me, or puts me down, or questions my judgement, or treats me like the maid, or a commodity to "clean his pipes" (yeah, classy guy that he is, he ACTUALLY said that to me about sex; you can imagine how fun/loving HE was in bed! He sucked...and NOT in the good way!) My life is SO DIFFERENT and fulfilling and FUN in just six months that now I am kicking myself that I didn't leave his selfish azz 10 years earlier than I did (I left and believed his endless BS when he convinced me to come back.) Screw him! I rarely ever think about him now.

Take control of your life and go FIND YOUR OWN HAPPINESS. You DO deserve it!
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Emerald
He hits your 5 yr. old?

This is child abuse. Call the police. Have him arrested.

*shakes head*
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W
Hi OP - I'm so sorry to read your story...this isn't how marriage should be.

A lot of what your H tells you is rubbish. Love and affection should last a lifetime...not just the honeymoon. Humans are social creatures (well.. most of us) and your totally normal to want sex and affection and to be able to have celebrations and fun times in your home.

Everyday we are responsible for the memories deposited in our childrens minds...what will your remember about their childhood? What are they learning about what a man and wife interact like...what a happy healthy marriage looks like?

If you could do anything you wanted...where would you LIKE to be in 1 years time or in 5 years time. Who would be with you?

Your life today sounds horrible... but nothing will change unless 'someone' changes something. My guess is that person HAS to be you. Your H won't change...he's happy the way things are no doubt.

What can you do today to change things? Maybe call a find a counselor to help you through this or a women support group.
Reach out to family or friends?

Support will make you feel stronger and more resilient.
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S
Thanks a lot to all of u who have shown concern re my issue.

To answer some of the questions:
I could not see his rudeness or his indifference or control freak attitude in the beginning. Looking back, I feel he has always been this way. But everyone puts their best face forward in a new relationship and you are taught to focus on the other person's good things. Which is what I did. Every time I saw some negativity, I tried to console myself that it was a temp thing and will go away. Now I've come to realize that it'll never go away.

The thing that bugs me the most is he seems so disinterested. I look around people that I see in my everyday life/ No one acts like him. Whenever I've confronted him, he tells me that all that cuddling and closeness exists only in movies. I disagree. We may not be all over each other, but we should feel connected at the very least.

He never talks in terms of 'we'. Even something as simple as going to bed, he'll say I'm going to bed; that's at 8.30pm a little too early for an adult. The kids are asleep by 9-9.30. He has nothing to talk to me. He'll turn the other way and sleep. This is even on days he says he had nothing to do at work and was just surfing the net. He does watch a lot of porn. I believe he gets satisfied with that. It's easy for men. They are erect within minutes, don't have to talk to anyone, make any emotional connection and they are done within minutes. That's not how it works for us. I've spoken to him about this several times. He'll just laugh and brush it aside.

He never does or has ever done, even early in our marriage, anything to make me feel special. He never remembers any of my preferences. Even when we go to a fast food place and I'll say I want this and this but not that he'll act like I being too picky. I find all this very annoying.

I've talked to him about leaving but he just smiles every time I bring up this topic. He doesn't take me seriously; probably thinks where she is going to go after 2 kids. He never shares his thoughts.

My job is a specialized profession and requires client contacts. My self-esteem is so low that I hardly speak to my co-workers as I feel no one is going to hear me. This comes from years of being ignored by my H. But it is also a result of the way my parents and sibling treated me. I've always been the ignored person. I'm just too timid and try to be nice to everyone. I don't have many demands and try to be happy with what I've. But these things are not appreciated in the real world. My lack of communication skills is severely affecting my career progress.

I know if u want to get ahead you have to leave the people who are holding you back. But in this situation, I've to think about my kids too. My older one especially knows his dad. No matter how his dad treats him, he looks upon him as a hero. If he's late, my older one will ask me where's daddy. What am I going to do about that?
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EleGirl
About your children. They will not lose their dad. They will just spend less time with him. Seems to me that this is a very good thing. They can learn that their dad's depressed way is not the only way in life.

Divorce is hard on children. But the household your children are growing up in is much worse. Let your children see a life of smiles, socializing and the bigger world. they deserve to have that.

You son also deserves to not be hit by his father.

About your timidity at work. You could perhaps come up with some things to do to start breaking out being more social.

For example set the goal of saying something to each person you work with every day. IT can be a short comment on the weather, maybe tell someone that they look so happy today, or they look really nice in that color blouse... just start with simple things like that.

Definately make a point of saying hello to everyone.

Food is a great ice breaker. Bring cookies, cake, etc and put it at the coffee pot for everyone.

A friend at work keeps chocolate candy in her cube.. why? Because people come into her cube to get a piece of candy. Plus if someone looks like they are having a hard time she gives them a piece o f chocolate… “You look like you need this.”

Start small. Just make small goals to start with.
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S
EleGirl said:
About your children. They will not lose their dad. They will just spend less time with him. Seems to me that this is a very good thing. They can learn that their dad's depressed way is not the only way in life.

Divorce is hard on children. But the household your children are growing up in is much worse. Let your children see a life of smiles, socializing and the bigger world. they deserve to have that.

You son also deserves to not be hit by his father.

About your timidity at work. You could perhaps come up with some things to do to start breaking out being more social.

For example set the goal of saying something to each person you work with every day. IT can be a short comment on the weather, maybe tell someone that they look so happy today, or they look really nice in that color blouse... just start with simple things like that.

Definately make a point of saying hello to everyone.

Food is a great ice breaker. Bring cookies, cake, etc and put it at the coffee pot for everyone.

A friend at work keeps chocolate candy in her cube.. why? Because people come into her cube to get a piece of candy. Plus if someone looks like they are having a hard time she gives them a piece o f chocolate… “You look like you need this.”

Start small. Just make small goals to start with.
Click to expand...
That's great advice. I'm trying hard to break out of my shell. I can try your tips. As far as separating from my H goes, I want to ensure that my kids' future is secure before I walk out. I'm not in a physically abusive relationship, so I feel I should plan my next step without haste. My life is already ruined; at least my kids' lives should be better.
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keko
Emerald said:
He hits your 5 yr. old?

This is child abuse. Call the police. Have him arrested.

*shakes head*
Click to expand...
Perfect idea!













/sarcasm
Posted via Mobile Device
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EleGirl
stilllookimg said:
That's great advice. I'm trying hard to break out of my shell. I can try your tips. As far as separating from my H goes, I want to ensure that my kids' future is secure before I walk out. I'm not in a physically abusive relationship, so I feel I should plan my next step without haste. My life is already ruined; at least my kids' lives should be better.
Click to expand...
Your life is not ruined... you have been going through a hard time. But you can come out of this just fine. Not only that but you will have grown in many ways as a person that will help you in your future.

So please don't think that way. Don't let this drag you down any further.

You might really benefit from some individual counseling. If you can find a counselor who can help you start to find the sunshine in life again. I had one like that in the last year I was with my son's father. He was emotionally and physically abusive. I had gotten to a point not far from where you seem to me. The counselor I had was great, he helped me look at things very differently. By the time I left my husband I was much happier and stronger.

Your children do not need a defeated mother. So take care of yourself.
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SlowlyGettingWiser
[Question to TAM long-timers]

Would the book No More Mr. Nice Guy help this woman since she seems to suffer from the female version of being a 'nice guy'
I've always been the ignored person. I'm just too timid and try to be nice to everyone. I don't have many demands and try to be happy with what I've.
Click to expand...
If NOT, do we have any suggested titles for this woman that WOULD help her feel better, more positive about herself and her situation.

Hang in there, StillLooking, we've got unbelievable numbers of caring people here at TAM who are willing/able to help you.

(*hugs*)
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S
SlowlyGettingWiser said:
[Question to TAM long-timers]

Would the book No More Mr. Nice Guy help this woman since she seems to suffer from the female version of being a 'nice guy'
If NOT, do we have any suggested titles for this woman that WOULD help her feel better, more positive about herself and her situation.

Hang in there, StillLooking, we've got unbelievable numbers of caring people here at TAM who are willing/able to help you.

(*hugs*)
Click to expand...
Thanks EleGirl/SlowlyGettingWiser for your support.

I used to be a cheerful person as a child and even as an adult. Things changed drastically after I got married. My husband's a very negative person. His mom's a control-freak; so I thought that must have caused his negativity. But I feel if you went through something like that, you would want to ensure that your kids don't suffer the same. But he just emulates his mother in every which way. So he probably doesn't consider her attitude wrong.

As for books, I wud love to hear your suggestions. I've tried many self-help books myself and tried to change my response to situations. But till the situation around me doesn't change, I think the change in my attitude alone cannot uplift me.

I would love to see a counselor. How much would it cost for that? I'm not making much right now and H will not want to pay for it.

Thanks
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IsGirl3
hello, GET OUT!! get out of your mess ASAP!! your husband just smiles when you talk about divorce or walking out? what a callous insensitive cruel person! he smiles? is he sick?? as far as securing your kids' future first, that is no excuse to continue subjecting you and them to such a HORRIBLE environment. your kid thinks he's a hero? some hero. that alone should be a reason to get out ASAP. you don't want your son treating anyone like that. you're sticking it out for the kids? please. LEAVE for the kids sake. they deserve a happy mom, a mom with a backbone, but most importantly, a mom who is respected and loved. you are living in such an incredibly dysfunctional situation, you don't even realize that it is so toxic that every single day you're being knocked down more and more.

it's great that you got a F/T job. NOW GO!!! find a smaller apt. or house, join a support group, but get away from that sick man ASAP.

that advice from the lady above is golden. she was in the same situation as you, left, and has found peace. PLEASE take her advice. you SO DON'T DESERVE THIS. don't think for a minute that you do, or that you should stick it out for the kids sake. love your kids and yourself enough to leave.
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