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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Well, I will try and keep this short and simple, but I doubt that will happen!

My partner and I have been together nearly two years. He proposed in July this year and we planned to marry in March 2013.

At the beginning of October (DDay), I found an old phone of his (he left it in my car) with texts to two women, basically arranging "hook ups" for sex. 81 texts dating from the end of June until mid-September. He says he never actually went through with sex. He admits going to several meetings but says he "chickened out" from having sex because he felt so guilty. He says he stopped texting all together because he realised he couldn't do it.

The texts do stop, but only about two weeks prior to when I found the phone. He had deleted his texts but their texts do (kind of) support that he didn't go but of course nothing is certain.

So it's been 8 weeks. I've gone into serious depression and am really struggling.

On the positive side, he has never blamed me, and has been far more communicative since. His story about what happened hasn't changed no matter how many times I've asked. And at the same time he stopped the texting he told me that he "needed help" and we arranged counselling (before DDay). I thought it was for communication but he had actually realised it wasn't OK.

On the negative side, he initially said he "never" considered how much this would hurt me, that it was just an impulse. When I finally exploded several weeks ago (something along the lines of "impulses don't f**king last for three months without thinking"), he finally admitted that after the initial impulse (he has ADHD so I do actually believe that), he was so excited by what he was doing and didn't care about the consequences.

The obvious question I'm sure I need to answer is about the proposal. He says he hyper-focused on getting married (another ADHD thing) and didn't consider the rest of his behaviour in the context of that.

We have been seeing a psychologist which hasn't been very useful so far (probably still too early to see the effects of that). I have the old phone and we've changed his cellphone number. I have full access to FB, email etc and his phone whenever I want.

He also fronted up to my sister and brother-in-law (the only family I have), knowing that they were also really angry.

We are at a cross-roads. This morning I cancelled all the wedding plans we had made (all while he was cheating). We are arguing constantly, mainly because I feel like he's not doing enough of anything, not enough talking, not enough planning, not enough sorry etc. Well it's more like me yelling and screaming at him, and him talking back, with what sounds like excuses to me.

But I'm losing my ability to judge, I don't know if I just can't see him trying because of my pain and anger, or whether he is genuinely not doing enough. And I read the stories of people here and it could have been SO much worse. Am I just over-reacting???


I have a few questions if anyone could answer?

To those that have cheated on someone they loved, at the moment of deciding whether to cheat, how do you justify doing that to the person you loved? I can't imagine ever hurting someone I love like that and I'm curious if others have the same kind of answers as him.

To those who have been cheated on, how do you get past knowing that they were willing to throw everything away for what they did? In my case, he was willing to throw away our life for a quick f**k at the side of the road with a virtual stranger.

To anyone who has reconciled, did it involve living apart for a time? And how did you trust they weren't off doing the exact same thing when you were apart? I worry constantly where he is and what/who he is doing. I can see that time apart might stop the constant arguing but it would amp up my anxiety to monumental proportions.

And how do you believe the good things? He's said some really lovely things, but all I can think is "yeah but you acted lovely before and you were cheating so how can I believe you this time?".

I am so confused and lonely and sad and angry and I feel like my soul is broken.

Any advice or even just to talk about it would be so greatly appreciated.
 

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Be warned about marrying a person with such deep and profound issues. It's not ADHD that's at the root of his problems. ADHD 'might' play a role - but only superficially.

You're letting yourself in for years of torment by staying. Take lots of time. Let him address his own issues. Wish him well.
 

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To those that have cheated on someone they loved, at the moment of deciding whether to cheat, how do you justify doing that to the person you loved? I can't imagine ever hurting someone I love like that and I'm curious if others have the same kind of answers as him. I haven't cheated, but my husband has, on me. In the moment, the person you love isn't even on your radar. There's nothing to justify because lust has completely obliterated anything else for the moment. Afterwards, what they did is put into a box and closed and put way up on a shelf, not to be opened or even looked at until the next time.

To those who have been cheated on, how do you get past knowing that they were willing to throw everything away for what they did? In my case, he was willing to throw away our life for a quick f**k at the side of the road with a virtual stranger. My husband had a blow job from a hooker. I will never understand why or how or anything else about it for that matter. It was over 2 years ago, and I have just decided to focus on what he is doing now, not what he did then. We are quite happy together today, but what he did never leaves me.

To anyone who has reconciled, did it involve living apart for a time? And how did you trust they weren't off doing the exact same thing when you were apart? I worry constantly where he is and what/who he is doing. I can see that time apart might stop the constant arguing but it would amp up my anxiety to monumental proportions. Yes, I kicked him out on D day. You can read my story thru the link in my sig if you want the long version. I just assumed he was off doing whatever he wanted - I was DONE. And that, my dear, seems to be a key feature of successful reconciliations on here. The BS has to just let go, completely, and be done with the relationship, and then realize that they do in fact WANT to be with the WS.

The marriage we had is over. You do not have a marriage yet. The fact that he did this, now, speaks volumes, and I am sorry but I agree that you need to end it. Many men who do what your fiance did are sex addicts - you can also read more about that thru the links in my sig. If you stay you're signing yourself up for a life of heartache, betrayal and unhappiness. Just imagine yourself with two babies in diapers, and he's off getting some in a back alley or a strip club or a motel with a hooker. Is that really what you want??
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
The advice you're all giving seems pretty consistent -- to leave.

Does the fact that he stopped, didn't go all the way and admitted he needed counselling all without being caught mean nothing? Or am I just being an optimist?
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
That's what I'm struggling with. I love him and I want to make it work.

But I don't know anymore whether I'm just being stupid and naive or whether there is a genuine chance for us.
 

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I'll put it pretty blandly, but its all a choice. Life is made of decisions. Make your decision and stick to it. Sounds simple enough but its really difficult. Some people are afraid of being alone, or of the unknown for the future.

Its your choice.
 

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That's what I'm struggling with. I love him and I want to make it work.

But I don't know anymore whether I'm just being stupid and naive or whether there is a genuine chance for us.
vinsky, you're me only a year and some months later. Fiance had a ons and then followed it up with countless attempts to get sex from Craigslist skanks. Cancelled our wedding. He hasn't attempted to cheat since 11/11, but damage done. It will never leave you. You are saying all the same things I have said, read my threads. I'm done. I tried to make it work, because I love him and for our daughter. Being married or not married...doesnt matter. I know you love him and want to make it work, but he was able to make you so insignificant for a period of time, dont put yourself through that ever again.
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I know this isn't what you want to hear but I wouldn't believe him that he never went through with the sex. That is the exact kind of things my husband said about escort services until he finally admitted it.
I feel your pain, but get out while you can before you invest any more of your time or love to this guy.
 

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"I want this to work" - think carefully about your feelings when you say this. Why do you want it to work? Do you feel that you couldn't find someone better?
When we "try" to "make" something work there is usually an element of force. Force is based on hidden fears.
A relationship is not meant to be a struggle or something you have to "make" work.
 

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The advice you're all giving seems pretty consistent -- to leave. (we like you and all, but we would like you just as much if you got to live your life without being a regular on this site for the rest of your life)
Does the fact that he stopped, didn't go all the way and admitted he needed counselling all without being caught mean nothing? Or am I just being an optimist? (Does the fact that you have no PROOF that he DIDN'T go all the way, make you question a liar about his integrity or his honesty? I mean, why would he possibly lie, right?)
 

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You were saved from the agony we are all going through as BSs. Before I married my husband, I helped him to get a car. He struck up a fight with me one day and I retreated into my no contact with him for a day or two. I later found a portrait of him and another woman in his closet from Sears. He said she was just a female coworker who came to spend the night with him to go shopping (she was a stewardess - he took her shopping in the car during the 1-2 days I did not speak to him), but "Nothing happened". I married him believing him. After I divorced him 13 years later, I found out he had an 8 year secret "friendship" with another female coworker 10 years younger than me and still "Nothing happened". All the venom he spewed to her about me solidified their relationship to the point that when I found her out, she felt incredibly comfortable being very rude to me...she had had the permission and authority he gave to her. His relationship with her was for approx. half the lifetime of our marriage. I remember walking through the door on my way to divorce court when he stopped me to say these golden words, "I want you to know I never cheated on you". I thought to myself at the time, "Why would he say that?" The signs were there right where they had always been from the get go. I lost 13+ years of my life living in an abyss of lies, wondering what he was doing the moment my back was turned...It induces paranoia and desperate self-protecting measures when you walk around for years and years with gaping stab wounds in your back and you don't know where they are coming from and why they are there. My being distracted with work, bills and kids and my belief that his new christian walk was authentic, served as the vehicle for his secret life. Please save yourself many, many years of agony, loss and defeat...There is a better man out there for you. If you had never found the evidence, you would have never known. Cut your losses, make no excuse to settle for less. (BTW - Counseling only works when the counselee tells the truth.) The writing is on the wall, you owe it to yourself to read it.
 

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They say once a cheater always a cheater and I do believe that. Just recently there was a girl here who had dated a guy since high school. I think she is 23 or 24 now. Anyway, they have had issues off and on for a while with him cheating. He swore he had changed his ways, they got engaged, planned the wedding and two weeks before the big day she found out he was cheating again. She called the wedding off. She was blessed to have found that out before the wedding.

I would not advise anyone to date or marry a person who would even think about texting someone for sex, cheat emotionally or any other way. I would only advise you to marry someone that you have no doubt in your mind will be there for you and only you. Even then there is a chance it could eventually happen, but the odds are lower.

Marriage is not easy, I found that out real quick. It's something that you both have to work at every single day. If anyone out there looks like they have the perfect marriage, chances are there have been some bumps on the way for them too. You dont want to go into a marriage with any kind of doubt.

I dont think this is the right guy for you. You seem like a real smart young woman. Don't let him manipulate you into believing different than you know in your heart, it will end up breaking it one day if you do.
 

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Alot of people here are giving good advise. Would you really be able to work past this, let it go (but do not forget) and trust again? I am a optimist/romantic, so I sympathise with you saying you really love him. So what if you prolonged the engagement to work through your issues? You obviously do not want to start a new marriage with this much distrust. See if before you make this commitment you can trust again and keep seeing a therapist. ADHD to me is not an excuse to texting other women like that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Thank you for all the helpful advice :)

I have some real soul searching to do :( No one has said anything I haven't said to myself already, I guess I needed outside confirmation.
 
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