[lost in pa]

I am reluctant to post here in the open, but I'm at a loss as what to do.
Here is a brief breakdown. I have been with my wife for 18yrs and 8 of which married. We have 2 children which I adore. Things seemed to be great until about a year ago. My wife had an immediate family (very close to both of us) take their own life. I have watched her slowly grow more depressed. She told me in the Spring that she was "unhappy" with us. I suggested that we should seek counseling. We did but are counselor seemed very unhelpful and out of touch with us, and my wife never did open up. Things were a little better for awhile. After the MC I urged my wife repeatedly that she should talk to some one on her own, but things recently exploded. Throw into this she had an emotional affair. She has decided she is unhappy and the answer is divorce. I truly love my wife deeply and believe she needs to deal with her and our issues before changing our families lives for ever. She has at this point shutdown and is unwilling to make an effort to seek both individual and/or counseling.
If she does decide to give it a go how do I find the right counselor for her/us? We have asked around and have searched for reviews but have come up empty handed.

 

[Emerald]

Hi & welcome to TAM.

If your wife has been depressed for a year like you say, she needs to see a medical doctor, not a marriage counselor.

She may feel like you are the main source of her depression, but if she is clinically depressed, it is a brain chemical imbalance possibly triggered by the suicide.

Now if she is not clinically depressed but "unhappy" as she says, then it is quite possible that she is still having the EA & thinks that the OM is her "new love."

 

[anchorwatch]

Was the EA going on during the MC?

Is she still in contact with EAP?

Who knows about the A?

 

[lost in pa]

Posted via Mobile Device

 

[lost in pa]

She had been texting him leading up to the mc that was one of the things that lead to counseling and recently it restarted
It doesn't help its her best friend's brother
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Shoto1984]

So I get the issues related the the death but that only goes so far. It seems to me that you have been accommodating to a fault. I sense some hurt in your words but no anger...no outrage....how does it feel being walked on? I get that you love your family life but I think what you love is the family life you used to have...not the one you've had for a long time now. The wife you had is gone and she might not be coming back. She's broken and you can't fix her. She has to want to fix herself which is a tall order. Its past time for you to start drawing lines as to what is and isn't acceptable and act accordingly.

 

[lost in pa]

So I get the issues related the the death but that only goes so far. It seems to me that you have been accommodating to a fault. I sense some hurt in your words but no anger...no outrage....how does it feel being walked on? I get that you love your family life but I think what you love is the family life you used to have...not the one you've had for a long time now. The wife you had is gone and she might not be coming back. She's broken and you can't fix her. She has to want to fix herself which is a tall order. Its past time for you to start drawing lines as to what is and isn't acceptable and act accordingly.

I understand what you are saying. I come from a broken family, I lived with my mother who was a very depressed and troubled person and a sibling who was bi polar . I have had quite a few traumatic things happen to me. I know the pain and sorrow my young children are in for. I want to break the cycle, I want to protect my children. I want her to deal with what's wrong with her and I intend to deal with my issues as well. Before we make any rash decisions. At this point what happens to me I will deal with as it comes my way. My children deserve me trying everything I can before I turn my back on my broken wife.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[anchorwatch]

Counselling will be ineffective as long as she is still active in the affair. The affair must be dealt with first, in order for you to have any chance.

 

[KathyBatesel]

While it may be convenient to blame her depression on the suicide, it doesn't sound like to me like what's really going on with her. She's unhappy with you, Lost, and until you acknowledge that you're not going to get anywhere.

Women tend to turn to affairs when their needs aren't being met. The fact that it's her best friend's brother implies that her best friend isn't supportive of your marriage, either, which could be because of things you've done or it could be because friend has some weird and childish idea of a "happily ever after" that would keep them connected in the future. But whatever the reason, it's clearly influencing your wife, too.

I don't see a way for you to reconcile without first stepping out of the relationship and giving her a chance to mourn what you've had and see that her fantasies aren't going to satisfy her in the long run. You might find that it never works out, but I see this as the only way to give it a chance TO work out, too.