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Discussion Starter #1
Hi again. I started a new thread since I haven't received any responses from the new reply on my last post. Here is the latest:

So it's been almost two weeks since I've posted anything. I am still feeling so torn with my marriage and could use some more perspective. I would really appreciate hearing anything anyone has to offer. Sorry it got long but please bear with me.

In the last couple of weeks I have continued with IC. I saw our MC individually and have now started to see a new counselor completely. My H has taken no initiative to continue with IC even though our MC told him he needs to pursue this if he is going to move on from his past and learn how to build healthy realtionships. In the meantime, he goes about each day treating our situation as though it is non-existent. He is generally pleasant towards me and tries to carry on with small talk. However, there is no constructive conversation or affection between us at all. I have been sleeping in the guest room for the last few weeks and he doesn't say anything about it. It's as though he is oblivious to all of the problems going on. This is very frustrating for me.

I have initiated two conversations over the last couple of weeks to discuss our problems. He will not acknowledge that any changes need to take place beyond the surface-level issues. (Meaning showing affection and changing his general demeanor towards me) This is something I know he would be able to make a permanent change with. However, all of our other deep-rooted issues I'm not so sure his is willing or able to. Whenever I ask him if he thinks he can change the things I need him to his answer is very vague. "I think I can change a few things but not everything." It's an honest answer but he can't tell me what things he won't be able to change. Both of the conversations became heated and ended with him saying "just get the divorce papers then!!"

I recently was discussing our situtation with a girlfriend that I confide in. I was asked to name three things that I would change about my H if I could. Surprisingly this came very easily to me. They are:

#1: Partnership. I want him to be my partner in life and be able to share everything in it together. He has always been a very selfish person towards me and treated me as though I was out for his money or his belongings. I have never acted this way so I'm not sure where this comes from. We have always had seperate bank accounts and I've always supported myself financially. He always seems to keep a running tally in his head of who's paid for what or who did what task and when, all very petty matters that are a waste of time to me. In my opinion this is not how you treat your partner in life. We are supposed to be a team and work together yet he always seems to be working against me.

#2 Security. Mainly by this I mean emotional security. I have not felt emotionally secure in a very long time, if ever. I remember when we were dating and we would be having a great time together. I would start thinking that I better enjoy this while it lasts because it won't. Our relationship when it comes to emotions on my part has been a rollercoaster ride to say the least. He always has made me feel like I have to earn any affection. I believe he is very passive-agressive. If I didn't do as he pleased I would be denied of any hugs, kisses, or general forms of affection. Yet he would still expect sex if he was in the mood. Now for the last several months I have not initiated any affection so it really doesn't happen at all.

-Secondly, I would like to have financial security in the sense that if I were to lose my job or have a major setback of some sort that my H would have my back as I would have his if he needed it. I truly feel that he would not. I would be made to feel guilty or shameful for "not preparing ahead of time." Also, when it comes to life insurance. After we were married I increased the amount of life insurance I have considerably so my H would have some security for a while should something happen to me. I told him I did this and asked if he would consider doing the same. He said he has life insurance through his work, a $10,000 policy and "that would be enough should I die." I told him that would barely cover the funeral expenses alone and asked how I was supposed to pay for our house and any other debt. He just said that I will be fine and can sell some assets. This was pretty devastating for me so I haven't brought it up since.

#3 Trust. My H trusts me to an extent but will never completely. I think my last two statements explain a lot of this clearly. Another aspect is that he has always been very insecure when it comes to me being around other men. When I was first dating him I had two very close male friends, they were more like brothers. There was no inkling of anything romantic between us, the thought actually grosses me out. Anyway, I had to let those friendships go in order to hang onto my H at the time. I've always had to prove to him that he is the only man in my life but he still acts this way today when I've never given him reason to suspect otherwise. Whenever we are out together and I'm not right by his side he is always watching me. If I talk with a male I get the second degree immediately about what we talked about. I am right in front of him and he still is very insecure and does not trust me.

I am so torn between whether our marriage will work or not. On one hand all of the positive aspects of our relationship make me want to forget everything and move forward. On the other hand all of the negative things I've endured and all of the thoughts about him not being able to make the changes our MC has told him he needs to make keep me from moving forward. So this is where I'm at an would appreciate any advice. Thanks in advance!
 

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It sounds to me like your husband is withdrawing and checking out of the marriage.

The 3 things you mention would be in my top 5 for choosing and staying with a mate. Not sure what other endearing qualities he would have to possess in order for me to overlook them and stick around, but I ain't the settling type (anymore).

So since it's obvious he's not cooperating, what will you do next?
 

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It sounds to me like your husband is withdrawing and checking out of the marriage.

The 3 things you mention would be in my top 5 for choosing and staying with a mate. Not sure what other endearing qualities he would have to possess in order for me to overlook them and stick around, but I ain't the settling type (anymore).

So since it's obvious he's not cooperating, what will you do next?
Thank you for the response. He very well could be checking out of our marriage but he doesn't want it to end. He observed his parents' very disfunctional marriage and I almost assume that he thinks this is how a marriage is supposed to be.

The 3 things I mentioned are qualities that I need my husband to possess as well. It's been impossible trying to get him to understand my POV. You mentioned "settling." This is exactly how I've felt for quite some time now. I settled due to my co-dependent tendancies and for many other things that came with our relationship. It's sad because I have become comfortable. I am happy with where we live, who our friends are, and the lifestyle we are able to lead. If it weren't for these things I feel like I would've left a long time ago. Is it right to stay in a miserable marriage for all of these reasons?

I am learning so much about myself and trying to establish healthy boundaries. However, I am still struggling very much with figuring out what I am supposed to do. The fear of the unknown scares me horribly. I know I would be able to live independently and be fine. However, what if I leave and it's the wrong decision? I want to be able to make this decision and whole-heartedly know it is the right one. So an answer to your question is I guess I don't know what I will do next. I am going to continue with IC and hope to gain some clarity there.

Anyone else have any advice? Thanks!
 

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Have yall tried MC ???
lonleyandlost said:
In the last couple of weeks I have continued with IC. I saw our MC individually and have now started to see a new counselor completely. My H has taken no initiative to continue with IC even though our MC told him he needs to pursue this if he is going to move on from his past and learn how to build healthy realtionships.
He has to put in the work.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Have yall tried MC ???
Yes. We did 3 sessions and the MC advised us that she wanted to do IC with my H for a while before continuing to work on our marriage. I also felt like I could benefit from some IC as well. I am currently attending but my H is not. I don't believe he has any desire to persue it either. So here we are...
 

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Yes. We did 3 sessions and the MC advised us that she wanted to do IC with my H for a while before continuing to work on our marriage. I also felt like I could benefit from some IC as well. I am currently attending but my H is not. I don't believe he has any desire to persue it either. So here we are...
Well you either accept unacceptable behavior or change ?? The first option is things stay the same and nothing changes the second is you have to be willing to lose your husband in order to force the change

Remember Nothing Changes Nothing changes !!!!

If he is not willing to work on issues that you consider important then why are you sticking around ?? actions carry more than words look at his actions life is too short to be unhappy their are too many other decent folks out there that would bend over backwards to make their spouse happy in my opinion
 

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Sorry, but you cannot change people. It sounds like your husband is not willing to change that much. The ball is firmly in your court. Either you live with what you have, or you cut your losses.

I found when I quit trying to change people, I felt at peace.

You have needs that are important, and ones I consider fundamental to having a good marriage. You feel your husband is letting you down in those areas.

It's up to you as to whether you stay or go.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Thanks for all of your responses. I tried to have another serious conversation with my H last night and it ended up going nowhere as usual. @Prodigal I am going to try very hard and follow your advice. I can't change my H and I need to stop trying to. I have clearly stated my expectations numerous times to my H and he says he understands. I need to hold him accountable for this whether or not he actually understands. I am thinking that I need to put an expiration date on how long I will give him to back his words with actions. I am willing to give him up to one year. Is this reasonable? If so, how should I behave towards him? Can anyone relate and have any tips?
 

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Lonley, he cannot be someone he isn't. You're not compatible financially or emotionally. If you cannot love him just the way he is, you're both better off going your own ways.

You said the three things you would change came to you very easily. You want on to name three things that people don't have any control over. He cannot control whether you trust him or not. He has no control over whether you feel emotional security or not.

Instead of owning the problems YOU are having, you're blaming him. If you feel unloved, you find a way to make it his fault instead of finding your own ways to start feeling good about yourself. As long as you're doing this, you're dooming your marriage.
 

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KathyBatesel said: he cannot be someone he isn't. You're not compatible financially or emotionally. If you cannot love him just the way he is, you're both better off going your own ways.
:iagree:

This is it, in nutshell. It all boils down to being incompatible. No matter how much you try, a square peg will not go into a round hole.
 

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L&L, yes I can relate to the issue of only surface level changes.

I think your 1 year timeline is far too generous, too. The reason is that he will coast along for the whole year. What he needs is some fear. A motivation to make real changes.

So I think you need to set boundaries. This isn't about you forcing him to change, it is about you deciding exactly what it is you want and need in your own life. My counselor has asked me numerous times "Is it enough?" regarding my wife's behavior. It took a while to sink in that I was measuring against her previous behavior not against my own needs and desires.

Your needs and desires as you expanded above are irrelevant to me other than you have them figured out in your own mind. They sound reasonable to me, but really they only have to be important to you. And if they are important to you, they are important to you! So those are the yardsticks you measure his performance against.

If he isn't capable or willing to measure up, there will be other men who do.

One thing I know is that the surface level changes can put me in limbo. Things are ok, pleasant. The bad stuff has been eliminated. But the deep stuff that I want and need isn't there. But still it is pleasant on a day to day basis. There isn't a daily kick in the teeth to drive me to D.

I think you need some explicit lines in the sand which are your limits. These are boundaries not demands. If you allow the status quo for another year, you will be another year older but still in the same status quo.
 
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