Where do I start?

2062 Views 8 Replies 6 Participants Last post by SimplyLost, Oct 24, 2012

SimplyLost

Discussion Starter · Oct 23, 2012

I want to apologize in advance if this gets rather long. I have no one to turn to in fear of judgement about my husband and my marriage but I have to get it out. And everyone here seems to give sound advice from what I can gather. So here it goes.

My husband and I have been married for 5 years, together for 7. He is military, we married young and we have two beautiful kids together - one with special needs. He is a great dad and an awesome provider, but he's a lousy husband. He's a liar, a cheat, and has a porn problem. I am so beat down that I don't know how to get up. I no longer know what the truth is.

He lies about everything - about what store he went to, to what happen with the lawn mower, to where the $20 went in my wallet. Everything, big or small, some things completely stupid to lie about. He watches porn to the point to rejecting me and making me feel awful about myself. He use to watch it on his computer but then I caught on and now he watches it on his phone, going over our agreed data plan. He no longer buys the magazines or dvds but it's hundreds, if not thousands, of videos on his computer or memory cards or whatever.

My biggest problem is the emotional affairs. At least one for every year we've been together, each getting more and more to a physical affair. The latest one I found out about this last week - he says that she just randomly started texting him, he told her he was married but things went on from there. They exchanged pictures, she asked to meet him and he said, "sure." I don't know if he ever meet her but at this point I don't doubt it. All of these conversations were in the middle of the night while the kids and I went to sleep. The last emotional affair I can prove was last year right before our daughter was born. Again, pictures, secret phones, horrible things said about me, but he called it off apparently. I don't believe it. I've cried, I've begged, I've threatened to call it quits and it works for a little bit but then we're right back here.

I'm to the point where I feel like divorce is my only option but I want to do what is best for my kids - they adore him and he is a good dad. I have my college degree but I recently quit my job to care for our son and now I just feel stuck. My kids are 3 and 1 - will they forgive me? Will I forgive myself? What happen to my self-worth? Self-respect? Can he change? Does he even care?

He started therapy without me begging but he wants to work things out. He also says he won't fight me if I want a divorce. He says just give him time. I've given him time, how much more does he want? I'm in a position where I can't trust my family to turn to them but I can't give up the program that we have worked so hard to get our son into (a feeding program for autistic children). I just wanted my kids to have a normal childhood and to not come from a broken home. But what about me?

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Ovid

· #2 · Oct 23, 2012

Start doing the 180 so you can begin to get your head on straight. If things don't improve keep going. You'll find your strength.

Install a keylogger on the computer, spy software on the phone, and a VAR in the car.

Set cash aside... a little each week. Just to give yourself an emergency fund.

Be ready for surprizes. If he lies as much as you say, and has all of these EAs there may be worse in the closet.

The porn needs to go.

Welcome, and sorry you're here.

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Acabado

· #3 · Oct 23, 2012

He started therapy without me begging but he wants to work things out. He also says he won't fight me if I want a divorce. He says just give him time.

What threapy. "Normal" therapy will do nothing. He needs a CSAT. You probably needs it too.
Search it HERE

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B1

· #4 · Oct 23, 2012

WOW..sorry you are here.

Porn problems, EA's , lying..good grief you have a lot to deal with and and a S\N child. Glad you are in therapy, that's a first step. You have to start thinking about YOU. You cannot be the best mom you can under these circumstances. It's actually worse than a broken home the way you are living.

You can probably cut the tension with a knife and you have to be on the verge of depression, if you are not already. Time to take care of yourself.

The 180 is a good start, Google it.

Your husband sounds like a serial cheater, so sorry. Not sure marriage counseling will help. You will know soon enough.

I know you feel stuck especially with a S\N child, I also have a special needs son and being a caregiver is hard work and getting good help is even harder, and it sounds like you found a good program and are afraid to loose it if you split. You can't let that be a deciding factor.

Look, your husband is a mess, he needs serious help. Is he in IC (individual counseling) too? He should be or you probably won't get very far.

I would say stick to the therapy, snoop on him a lot making sure he isn't cheating more. He also needs to come clean and tell you what all he has done so you can then decide on what YOU want to do and go from there.

YOU do have a choice here, to D or R? up to you. There will still be plenty of help for a single mom if that's the route you go, heck there may be even more help once you are single.

Hang in there, my prayers are with you.

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SimplyLost

Discussion Starter · #5 · Oct 23, 2012

I go from anger to sadness. From resentment to wanting him near me. I finally told my dad this afternoon and he's just in complete shock, I'm not quite sure when I will tell my mother (they're not together, hence wanting my family intact). The lesser evil for me right now is to do the 180, put money away and plan my escape while I wait for the feeding therapy for our son. I refuse to put him on a feeding tube so that I can "move on." As hurt as I am, my kids' needs come first.

I just wanted to write it out, get other opinions to make sure that I'm not crazy. That I'm not over-reacting. I'm scared to be a divorced mom with 2 small children - one who is autistic. Who's ever going to want that baggage? Idk. I'm hurt, I'm lost, and you've hit the nail on the head - depressed. I'm in IC and I'm on meds - def. lost my mind and my way.

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iheartlife

· #6 · Oct 23, 2012

Have you looked at the symptoms for borderline personality disorder?

Borderline personality disorder - PubMed Health

A BPD Brief | Borderline Personality Disorder

I agree with Acabado, his problems seem much, much larger than infidelity and porn. Those sound like symptoms of a greater, more pervasive issue.

Was he abused as a child? What were his parents and family life like? Does he have any history with substance abuse?

Good for you for telling your dad. This is part of what you need to do next--you need to do what's best for the kids and for you.

I'd get tested for STDs--how confident can you be that all his friendships with women were simply virtual?

I'd also consider separating finances now and figuring out how to protect yourself in that regard. If he lies about EVERYTHING, then you need to act accordingly.

Have you met with his therapist? How do you know he's even attending therapy--maybe that's a lie too?

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SimplyLost

Discussion Starter · #7 · Oct 23, 2012

Yes, I've looked up symptoms. I've actually come to sociopath more than once which is very scary. He's admitted to firing his .22 into our attic 8 to 10 times - leaving holes in the ceiling of this brand new house. Something else he also lied about - telling me he had no idea what those holes were. I also do not know where the .38 is - something I discovered today and I plan on addressing tonight.

Currently there is no "separate" finances. I quit my job the beginning of August to care for our son - it was something we both agreed to. He is the sole income, insurance, etc. I do have access to all of the accounts and know more about our financial state then he does.

It's all a very big mess.

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AngryandUsed

· #8 · Oct 24, 2012

SL,

Sad to see you here.
Your H needed counseling and treatment, years ago.
Rush now.

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SimplyLost

Discussion Starter · #9 · Oct 24, 2012

Last night we talked for over 2 hours. Not fighting, just talking and a lot of crying on his end. I ended up calling a lawyer yesterday afternoon just to see what my next steps were and I told him about it. I think it was a huge wake up call. Will things change? I don't know. I'm just trying to get through the day and next several weeks.

His family is aware now - they support us both but are refusing to take sides. Apparently his dad was the exact same way to his mom while he was growing up (both parents have passed). It's not an excuse.

I desperately want my marriage to last but only because, selfishly, I do not want to share birthdays or holidays. I do love him, but I am unsure of what the future holds.

Thank you for all the the replies. I needed to hear SOMETHING from someone not close to us or the situation.

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