Curtis, welcome to the TAM forum.
I hate to play armchair psychologist, but I know this is somehow related to her father abandoning her.
Curtis, I agree that you are not capable of diagnosing your W's issues. Only professionals can do that. This does not mean, however, that you cannot spot the red flags (i.e., symptoms) for various mental disorders. Indeed, it is important that you be able to do so. This is why hundreds of the leading hospitals and health centers are providing the lay public with symptoms information on their websites for all types of mental disorders.
They do not do so because they want the lay public to try to diagnose their loved ones. Rather, they do so because studies show that the more educated people are about mental disorder symptoms, the more likely they are to seek help from a mental health professional when a problem occurs -- because they are able to recognize the potential for a serious problem when it presents itself.
I don't know what is wrong with your W. Yet, because you are describing very angry and abusive behavior, I strongly encourage you to see a psychologist -- for a visit or two
by yourself -- to obtain a candid, professional opinion on what it is you and your daughter are dealing with.
I also suggest that, while you're waiting for an appointment, you start reading about mental disorders so you know how to identify the red flags. IMO, the place to start reading is descriptions of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. I mention BPD as a good starting point because many of the behaviors you describe are classic BPD traits. These include the following:
Pent up anger. This is suggested by your statement that "I can no longer put up with the anger directed at me from my wife." If she has strong BPD traits, she has been carrying tremendous anger inside since early childhood.
Event-triggered rages. This is reflected in your comment that
"she called me a *****....then stormed off. This type of interaction is almost present on a daily basis. It’s humiliating." If she is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), you don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. As I said, it has been there since childhood. Hence, you only have to say or do some minor thing (e.g., not yelling at the cable man) that TRIGGERS the anger that is already there.
Feelings are "facts." If your W has strong BPD traits, she has little control over her emotions. The result is that she frequently experiences feelings that are so intense that she is convinced they MUST be true. BPDers therefore are notorious for refusing to intellectually challenge their intense feelings. Instead, they simply accept those feelings as self-evident "facts." This is done by splitting off the logical adult part of the mind, putting it out of reach of the conscious mind.
This means that, whenever a BPDer is angry, you are left trying to reason with the intuitive, childlike part of her mind. And, because a BPDer is always just ten seconds away from being angry, it is nearly impossible to ever be able to have a calm, rational discussion about any sensitive matter. This, then, may explain why you conclude,
"I've tried the stay calm in the face of insanity approach, which seems to only anger her more."
Strong fear of abandonment. BPDers have two great fears, one of which is the fear of abandonment. You indicate that your W may have such a fear in your statement that, "My wife’s father and mother were divorced at 7 and she hasn’t seen/spoken to him since she was 10. While I in no way will abandon my daughter, I can see her trying to take that pain out on me."
Very controlling behavior. Due to the abandonment fear, it is common for a BPDer to try to control nearly every aspect of her spouse's private life -- to ensure that he does not walk away. It also is common, for the same reason, for a BPDer to engage in "triangulating behavior," wherein she plays one member of the family (e.g., child) off against the other (e.g., father). Sometimes one member is favored and the other is harshly criticised and then, months later, she will reverse the treatment. The purpose is to play one person off against the other and thus be sought after by both. This may explain why you say "I can definitely see her trying to alienate me from [our daughter]. That is, she may be far more fearful of your abandoning HER than (as you suspect) your daughter.
The abandonment fear also would be evident in controlling behavior that is intended to isolate you from all friends and family members. The purpose, of course, is to prevent them from competing for your attention/affection and to prevent them from supporting you (which would undermine her control over you). I mention this because you say that, since being married,
"I’ve lost friends, I’m not as close with my family."
Always "The Victim." A BPDer has such a weak, fragile sense of who she is that she maintains a death grip on the notion of her always being "The Victim." Because she is afraid to let go of that false self image, she is continually seeking validation of it. During the courtship, she achieves that validation by perceiving of her BF as "The Savior." After the marriage, she achieves the same thing by perceiving of him as "The Perpetrator," i.e., the cause of every misfortune. Importantly, it doesn't much matter whether she is a victim because (a) he is saving her or (b) because he is neglecting her. Either way, it is a win-win for her because her status of being "The Victim" is validated both ways.
The result is that a BPDer typically has little or no interest in finding solutions or creating harmony. Instead, a BPDer wants to create DRAMA, not solutions. This is why it is common for a BPDer to plead for you to do something and then, after you've done exactly that, she will completely "rewrite history" and claim she never wanted it at all. My exW, for example, would plead for me to buy her things and, on receiving them, she would be thrilled -- for one or two weeks. Then it was the wrong size, wrong color, or wrong style. And, of course, it was MY fault.
In that way, I bought her $5,000 worth of fabric and $6,000 worth of sewing machines and surgers -- NONE of which she used. When pressed for an explanation, she always claimed I had forced her into buying a machine that wouldn't work. Never mind that she had picked it out herself. She always explained that, although she had chosen it, she had deliberately picked out a cheap one because she knew I would be angry if she spent more. In that way, every purchase was MY fault.
I therefore understand what you mean when you say
"I never know what she wants" and
"she’s someone who is never satisfied with anything." If she is a BPDer, it is impossible to please her or make her happy. It's like trying to fill up the Grand Canyon with a squirt gun. Moreover, given her insatiable need for validation as "The Victim," every outcome is a lose-lose for you no matter what you choose to do. You lose if you do and you lose if you don't. Or, as you say,
"The other day we got into an argument in which she told me to leave. When I left the room, she yelled at me for leaving. I just had to laugh."
I am constantly walking on eggshells around her.
You should STOP doing that. It is harmful to both of you. This is why the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to abused spouses) is called
Stop Walking on Eggshells.
I've mentioned the D word before and she say "fine, you know where the door is".... but the time I actually tried to leave she physically restrained me.
This contradictory behavior (of hating you but not wanting you to leave) is why the #2 best-selling BPD book is called
I Hate You, Don't Leave Me.
There’s also one case of a physical altercation where we got into an argument (I don’t remember at this time what is was about)
BPDers create arguments not only to create drama but also to push the spouse away, thus giving them breathing space. I describe this process in Maybe's thread at the link provided below. Here I will simply observe that, because the purpose of most fights is to push you away and stop the suffocating feeling of engulfment, a BPDer will create the arguments over nothing at all. They are manufactured out of thin air. This is why, a few days later, neither the BPDer nor her spouse will remember what most of the heated arguments were about.
I tried to leave out the front door to cool off and she physically tried to stop me.
Because BPDers have an emotional development that was frozen at about age four, they never learned how to regulate their emotions and do self soothing. One result of this limitation is that, when a BPDer is angry, she feels the matter must be resolved RIGHT NOW. The need for a resolution is so urgent because she lacks the skills to do self calming, which would allow her to revisit it calmly at a latter time. A BPDer therefore usually does not view "cooling off" as an option.
I know failure in relationships always rests on BOTH parties.
Yes, if you've been in a toxic relationship for four years, the toxicity is not something that SHE is doing to you. Rather, it is something that you BOTH are doing to each other. Of course, her contribution to the toxicity (e.g., verbal abuse) is easy to see. Yours is harder to see because, as an excessive caregiver, you appear to only be "trying to help." The problem is that, by trying to save a woman who doesn't really want to be saved (she wants drama), and by trying to fix a woman who doesn't want to be fixed, you've become an enabler. That is, you are hurting her by enabling her to continue behaving like a spoiled four year old -- and GET AWAY WITH IT. In that way, you are destroying her only opportunities to confront her issues and learn how to manage them. This is why it is important that she be allowed to suffer the logical consequences of her own bad choices and dysfunctional behavior.
She has always been a stressed person, but I feel that as the relationship has progressed, she more and more unfairly directs it at me.
If she is a high functioning BPDer, her anger will usually be directed at you. HF BPDers typically interact very well with casual friends, business associates, and strangers. None of those folks pose a threat to her two great fears. There is no close relationship to be abandoned and there is no intimacy to trigger the suffocating feeling of engulfment. This is why HF BPDers often will be seen being generous and caring all day long to complete strangers -- and then will go home at night to abuse the very people who love them.
The only person who is ever able to calm her down and get through to her about anything is her mom.
As I said, it is important that she learn the skill of self soothing. As for you, you should aspire to be far more than a "soothing object" for a woman who refuses to take responsibility for herself. You deserve a husband/wife relationship, not the parent/child relationship you seem to be describing.
She has always been a stressed person.
Always? I ask because an important issue -- if she has many strong BPD traits -- is whether they have been persistent since about age14. Significantly, every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all nine of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is emotionally healthy. These traits become a problem only when they are so strong and persistent that they undermine one's perception of other peoples' intentions, thereby sabotaging the close LTRs.
I caution that, even for us nonBPDers, our BPD traits can temporarily flair up for several months or years due to a brain injury, brain tumor, drug abuse, or a pronounced hormone change (as occurs during puberty, pregnancy, and postpartum). I mention this because postpartum hormone changes can last two years -- well beyond the 17 months since your D was born. An important issue, then, is whether your W has strong BPD traits and, if so, whether they have been PERSISTENT.
With BPDers (those having lasting traits), the strong BPD traits do not vanish for a year or two. Rather, they typically only disappear during the courtship, a period that usually lasts 3 to 6 months. During that period, the BPDer's infatuation convinces her that her lover is the nearly perfect man, her soul mate. For this reason, the infatuation holds her two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay. As soon as the infatuation evaporates, however, the fears return and the traits start showing themselves again.
How do I find the strength to move on?
You likely don't need it. I believe you already have far more strength than you need. If you are an excessive caregiver like me, your problem is not weakness but, rather, nagging guilt. For us caregivers, the notion of walking away from a hurting loved one is anathema. It goes against our religion, our family values, our ideals of commitment -- indeed, against every fiber of our being. Yet, if your W has strong BPD traits and is unwilling to work hard on them in therapy (for several years at least), walking away may be exactly what you need to do.
To deal with that misguided sense of guilt, I again suggest you see a psychologist -- by yourself for a visit or two -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you and your daughter are having to deal with. I don't know whether your W has most BPD traits at a strong and persistent level, but I believe you are capable of learning how to spot any and all red flags that exist. There is nothing subtle or nuanced about BPD traits such as verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and fear of abandonment.
I therefore also suggest you start reading about BPD traits to see if most of them sound very familiar. An easy place to begin, here on TAM, is my description of BPD traits in Maybe's thread at
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings lots of bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, Curtis.
