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Discussion Starter · #22 ·
Well you need to communicate with him. And tell him you aren't going to tolerate his not talking to you for month's on end. Own your half of the bullsh*t and tell him that you both need to change how you respond to each other if this marriage is going to work.

People who shut you down though like that, in a pattern, generally don't change that behavior. And that IS emotional abusive when it's done in a pattern like that.
I will try communicating with him this evening. AGAIN. I hope he doesnt walk away. AGAIN. Sometimes I feel like I am a door mat. The one whom no one respects and steps on whenever they please. He would expect me to bounce back like nothing happened when ever he chooses to. But when I try...never mind. I will now be repeating myself again.

Like I said, I will ask him how long does he want to give this silent treatment. If this is going to continue for the rest of our lives. And if yes, I dont want that life. I will also own my part of nonsense (not wanting to be touched at certain times). lets see. I will update tomorrow what happens.

Is there anything else I should add?
 

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I will try communicating with him this evening. AGAIN. I hope he doesnt walk away. AGAIN.

He would expect me to bounce back like nothing happened when ever he chooses to. But when I try...
I hope he listens to you and hears you out. Also, like the other poster said, I'm not surprised he blamed HIS pouting behavior on you and is ok with speaking to you again only when HE wants. Typical typical typical for this type of behavior.

I have lived this before and it is NOT fun.

It's not loving to actively chose to ignore your partner for that long. It destroys relationships. And it doesn't make a good marriage. It's also a form of control/emotional abuse.

Sometimes I feel like I am a door mat. The one whom no one respects and steps on whenever they please.
Get rid of this this attitude. Tell him he's not being respectful of you/your marriage when he acts this way.

Also, this dynamic is setting a HORRIBLE example for your child. You're pregnant and I imagine this is causing you insane amount of stress.



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He has control issues, if you don't have sex the way he wants it then he shuts down. Now his is being pouty by not talking to you. He needs counseling. He isn't going to change, so you have two choices, live like this or leave.
 

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Discussion Starter · #26 ·
I hope he listens to you and hears you out. Also, like the other poster said, I'm not surprised he blamed HIS pouting behavior on you and is ok with speaking to you again only when HE wants. Typical typical typical for this type of behavior.

I have lived this before and it is NOT fun.

It's not loving to actively chose to ignore your partner for that long. It destroys relationships. And it doesn't make a good marriage. It's also a form of control/emotional abuse.



Get rid of this this attitude. Tell him he's not being respectful of you/your marriage when he acts this way.

Also, this dynamic is setting a HORRIBLE example for your child. You're pregnant and I imagine this is causing you insane amount of stress.
I dont know how to split up a quote, so I am just going to write one line by another.

Yesterday morning when I tried to talk to him, I touched his hand. He instantly jerked his hand away and acted like he was taken aback. I said, can we please talk. He said, not now, dont start this so early in the morning, I have not even had coffee.
I just told him, there is no good time to talk with him and moved out of the room (edit: no, he moved out of the room). I just felt so heart broken, thats why I even opened a thread here, hoping I get some kind of direction. Few days ago same thing. Can we talk? No.

I didnt talk to him when I went home from work. Completely ignored him. Trying to make small talk like how is your day was not working and I had no patience anymore. Maybe he noticed I didnt even say hi. He asked how the day was, said he bought pizza and wedges. Asked me if I want juice. That was new.

This evening, I am going to initiate the 'talk' again. lets see how that goes. Honestly, the thought of separation is so scary to me.

It indeed is a horrible example for a child. That is why I want to fix this (if he lets me) before she is old enough to understand. No wonder I am losing so much weight, so much sleep everyday. My doctor started to get worried.
 

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Discussion Starter · #27 ·
He has control issues, if you don't have sex the way he wants it then he shuts down. Now his is being pouty by not talking to you. He needs counseling. He isn't going to change, so you have two choices, live like this or leave.
I want to try to change this behavior. Also, I dont want to live all my life with him and then one day it dawns on me "what have I done".

I am going to talk to him this evening. I will update what happens.
 

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Yesterday morning when I tried to talk to him, I touched his hand. He instantly jerked his hand away and acted like he was taken aback. I said, can we please talk. He said, not now, dont start this so early in the morning, I have not even had coffee.
I just told him, there is no good time to talk with him and moved out of the room. I just felt so heart broken,
Honestly, you are married to a dlck. Jerking his hand away from you, telling you he doesn't want to "start" anything when you are simply wanting to talk to him, and ignoring you for THREE MONTHS. THREE MONTHS!!!!!! That is NOT ok.

I am here to tell you, it's unlikely he will change because this behavior suits him. He does it as away to control you/the environment/the relationship. It's his trump card.

Start NOT giving a fck. I was with someone who did the SAME thing to me. And the only thing that worked was leaving (for my sanity).

I didn't talk to him when I went home from work. Completely ignored him. Trying to make small talk like how is your day was not working and I had no patience anymore. Maybe he noticed I didnt even say hi. He asked how the day was, said he bought pizza and wedges. Asked me if I want juice. That was new.
See how when you do what HE does, he seems to act different? Because he doesn't like being treated like you do him. Did he say anything else or keep ignoring you?

How old are you guys?

Honestly, the thought of separation is so scary to me.
It IS scary. But what's scarier is living in a marriage with someone who treats you like the scum on their shoe. Choosing to ignore your partner is denying them basic human decency of talking/communicating.

No wonder I am losing so much weight, so much sleep everyday. My doctor started to get worried.
Well, yeah. And your husband should be mindful of this. He KNOWS you are pregnant and not gaining weight and is still choosing to treat you this way. Your daughter is going to grow up thinking this is normal behavior if it keeps up and learn to walk on eggshells like you or be all kinds of emotionally all over the place because of this.



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Discussion Starter · #29 ·
Yes, giving him the taste of his own medicine sure seems to work differently. I am 33 and he is 36 (will be 37 very soon).
I am confused now, I was thinking I should talk to him this evening. Are you suggesting to hold off the talk and give him the silent treatment?

He does talk in the sense that he communicates only when something has to be communicated. Like, he told me not to give my DD the cold medication as she started feeling better. But that’s pretty much it. I have not heard of anyone who would do this to a pregnant wife. With my first pregnancy, it was so different. But that was also over 4 years ago.

My first priority is my children. My parents said they will come help me with the delivery in Aug for a few weeks. I am going to have a C section like my first one, so it will be nice to have some help. I will let them see what’s going on. I am financially independent and I know I will get the custody of the children, in the worst case we do get separated.

I don’t want to be a bad role model for my daughter (S). Incidentally this was how his mother was treated by his father. He hates his father because of that and now, he is doing exactly what his dad was doing to his mother. She is old fashioned and they never separated. Maybe he is thinking I wont ever take that step, especially with 2 young kids.

Also jellybeans, when I talk to him, I intend to own the responsibility partly. It is not nice to say ‘don’t touch me here/there/now”. I could work from my side; he also should wrok from his side. I also need him to tell me he will not give me this silent treatment for so many months again. My better part of the brain says he will never change. I just don’t want to give up without completely trying first.
 

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It does matter to me not to get intimate at all in front of my young daughter. he says she is too young to even understand whats going on.
A 3 year old is capable of understanding a lot of what is going on. Having sex with a 3 year old present is consider child abuse. How does he not know that?

When one of my nieces what that age, she was playing with Ken and Barbie having them do what mommy and daddy do.. naked, etc. That changed how the parents did things fast.

But thats not the issue, I never really liked doing anything on the couch any way other than watch TV/read a book. I think thats what the trigger is most of the times. It drives him mad when i say can we move to another room.
Ok so he wants spontaneous sex. Why wouldn't he?

How much nonsexual touch goes on in your relationship? Is it mostly sexual when he touches you? about what % of the time is his touch not sexual but affectionate (holding hands, a peck on the cheek. Snuggling without groping).
 

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Most of my friends say that, but, he says its me who pushes him to do that.
Of course he says that you push him to it. He is not taking responsibility for his CHOICE to behave that way.

He could chose to actually communicate with you, what a novel idea!!!! :D
 

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I do not reject him every time. I promise you that. I do not reject him at all. I just dont want to do it in the living room. He knows it that I dont want to do it there.
You have said that you would not want to do it in the living room even if your child was not there.

It is actually very normal for couples do have sex all over the house.. It's spontaneous. Spontaneous is sexy.

I am getting the impression that on your side this is about two things:

1) His touch is almost always sexual. And when it is not sexual it is unwanted tickling.

2) You feel very ignored and disrespected because you have told him to stop both but he ignores you and continues. He's not paying attention to your stated boundaries.

If a man's touch is almost always sexual, it's a HUGE turn off. I'm HD and love sex. But it would really cool my jets if a guy did nothing but grab my boobs, butt, crotch, etc. It's the total lack of non-sexual intimacy, and the unbalanced excess of grabbing that are problem.

The tickling... ticking when someone does not want it... and/or when taken to excess is a form of physical abuse.

When a person, your husband included, touches you in a manner that you have told him not to do.. it's abuse. Tickling when done in this manner is torturous. While the tickled might be laughing as a non-controllable physical reaction to the tickling... it's not funny.

Basically you feel that your control/power over your own body is being taken away some times. So you fight that by trying to have strict rules about where you have sex. But he's still keeps pushing ... and you interpret that (rightly as lack of respect and losing power/control/autonomy of your own body.)
 

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Discussion Starter · #33 ·
Basically you feel that your control/power over your own body is being taken away some times. So you fight that by trying to have strict rules about where you have sex. But he's still keeps pushing ... and you interpret that (rightly as lack of respect and losing power/control/autonomy of your own body.)
You nailed it. I could not have said it better. This is what is happening and this is what I need to somehow resolve.

Having said all this, he is a good provider. Never a day when I had to worry if we can pay bills. Makes sure we go on vacations at least twice a year. Adores my daughter and so does she. It would be devastating to see them apart, in the event we separate.
 

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He uses the silent treatment because HE is getting some kind of benefit from it. If he was not getting a pay back, he would not do it.
What is he doing? He has your full attention. He’s silent and you are racking your brain thinking about how to get him to end the silence and communicate to you. The silent treatment keeps him in control. He has you right where he wants you. It’s about CONTROL. Long term silent treatments (more than an hour or so) are abuse and it’s about controlling you and the situation. He’s in control now and he’s not about to give it up.

What you do is that you stop concentrating on him and stop trying to get him to talk to you and pay attention to you.

You get into counseling. It will help you a lot. And the counselor can give you ways of dealing with your H if you stay with him. Ask the counselor to help you learn how to set and maintain healthy boundaries. You can also find good books on the topic.

How to Create Healthy Boundaries « Positively Positive

I am confused now, I was thinking I should talk to him this evening. Are you suggesting to hold off the talk and give him the silent treatment?
Do not ignore him.

The reason for him doing the silent treatment is for him to control the situation and hence you. Right now has control of you because you are focused on his silent treatment and jumping through hoops trying to get him to break the silence. Boy is this fun for him!!! You need to take his fun away.

Look at the 180 link in my signature block below. Start interacting with him in that manner. Do not ignore him. But you need to take back your power and control of your life. By doing the 180 you will break the control cycle of the silent treatment and you trying to get his attention and to get him to engage with you.

The 180 also means that you just get busy. Start doing things without him. Go out, get busy. He’s not talking to you? Ok you don’t owe him much now. So go out even if it’s just to visit you mom. But just leave a note “I’m going out for a few hours. Have DD with me.” Do not give him any more info that that. If he calls you, do not answer. If he texts do not answer. When you get home, he will most likely start asking you were you where, why you did not answer your phone, etc. Just tell him “I was out with friends and busy.” This is not a game. This is to break your focus on him to let him know that you will not allow him to control you.

Get the book “Divorce Busters”. Pay special attention to the chapter on how to use unilateral change and the 180 to save your marriage. It just might work and is worth a try. By the way do not let him see the book. If you are going to do the 180 the way the book says.. you do not want him to read it.

After that, get the books “Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs”. It seems that neither you nor your husband are skilled in identifying your own personal issues, expressing them to each other in a way that the other can meet. Nor are you both skilled at meeting each other’s needs.

For example you characterized an issue to be that your husband touches you in a sexual manner. I don’t think that is a clear statement of your problem. The problem is that he ONLY touches you in a sexual manner. And he keeps crossing your boundary and tickling you.

So the identified need is that you need non-sexual touch from your husband. The lack of non-sexual touch has lead you to reject the overabundance of sexual touch. There… now you have something you both can work on. He can learn to hold your hand, hug you 2-3 times a day in, snuggle close to you, etc. Put on some music, slow dance, nibble on each other’s ears. What a nice, loving thing do in front of your daughter!

He wants touch and sex. You want nonsexual tough and sex. The trick is that the more he gets into non-sexual touch, the more you will want sex and even accept a bit of that teasing sexual touch.

It’s obviously that your husband has some pretty bad learned behavior. What he’s doing with the silent treatment he learned from his father. If he wants a marriage with you he is going to have to unlearn that. Hopefully you can be instrumental in showing him a better way.

Also keep in mind that working opposite shifts is very bad for marriage. You do not get enough time together doing that. If there is any way for the two of you to get on the same shift, do it. If you cannot, structure your lives so that the time you are both off work is concentrating time for the two of you.

If you try all that and he’s still acting like a passive aggressive, grabby controller… then you need to seriously think about exercising that independence and leave him.
 

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You nailed it. I could not have said it better. This is what is happening and this is what I need to somehow resolve.

Having said all this, he is a good provider. Never a day when I had to worry if we can pay bills. Makes sure we go on vacations at least twice a year. Adores my daughter and so does she. It would be devastating to see them apart, in the event we separate.
Yeah. My guy was that way, too. Made a ton of $$ and I didn't worry about any bills. He thought because he could buy me things that I should be ok with him ignoring me for so long over and over and over again. But when he's stonewall me for days/weeks on end, it really wasn't worth it in the end. We had a very envious material life together (envious by other people). But all the money in the world doesn't buy a respectful relationship where there is mutual love.

No I don't think you should give him the silent treatment back today. I would just tell him that you need to have a serious conversation with him about what is going. Own up to your wrongs and accept full responsibilty. Then tell him what he is doing is hurtful and detrimental to your marriage. That is is not good for a marriage or your pregnancy or your daughter because it sets a bad example. Also, it's just plain disrespectful.

Stonewalling someone is seriously the most invalidating thing someone can do to another person - especially over time. Living in a house like that will drive anyone fcking crazy.



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Discussion Starter · #36 ·
Thank you so very much for the detailed response. I really appreciate it. As you said, a change in my own behavior did give me different results. I have said that in one of the posts above. It will most probably work, or at least I hope it will work in the long run.
For this evening though, I would really like to address this. One last time. Just one last time. For myself, if not for anyone. I need to know how long is this expected to last.

I want to talk to him and own my side of mistakes. You are right in a way. Most of the touch is sexual. I guess I got used to it, I automatically assume its sexual when in reality, it may or may not have been. I need him to know that I acknowledge my own faults like turning away and hurting him. I need him to tell me he recognizes that there is problem. I don’t know if he is even considering there is a problem. If after all this, he is still adamant about silent treatment, I have no other choice but follow the 180 method, as a last resort. If it works, good. If it doesn’t, good, in its own way.

I need him to tell me that he is not going to subject me to this kind of treatments again. 3 frikking months.
I will also order the book. Thanks for the suggestion.
 

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Good luck with all that, girl.

I'll tell you what's going to happen when you bring up the talk.

He's going to ***** and moan, then storm out of the room or house. Then you can look forward to a few more months of silent treatment.

You can't win this one with logic. Trust me. I've been your husband.

Honestly, I think your husband makes AVRs husband look like a rookie, if my suspicions are correct.
 

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Him not speaking with you for 3 months is passive aggressive. It's abusive behavior, and certainly not healthy for you or your children. He is trying to make your life as miserable as possible for something he was in the wrong for (he should have stopped when you asked him).

Pregnant or not, you don't have to put up with it and be miserable. Is there somewhere you can stay for a bit? Is there a way to get out of that situation? If he won't go to counseling for HIS issues, there's not too much you can do for him all on your own. All you can do is take charge of your own happiness, and well being.
 
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