Oh I hear you, it's SO difficult. Like you, I also love and care about my BF, but there are times that I still wonder if things are going to be so hard for years to come and I should just cut and run now. It's not an easy decision to say the least, so I feel your pain with that!
When you partner's child doesn't embrace you
Does anybody have insight when dating a divorced man with a teenage daughter who is a bit standoffish to me and my kid? He and his ex-wife had one daughter together who is now 16 years old. He wants to move our relationship forward and propose, but he has high expectations for our separate family units to assimilate first—basically an expectation that his daughter is bonded to me and my daughter—before he proposes. Our two children (16- and 22.5-year-old girls) are nice to each other but are not “bonding” despite us planning activities that bring us all together. Yet his daughter does not want to spend time with me and my daughter when given the choice, so the times we had together were when her dad pressured her, or she was too young to make decisions for herself. Now that she is 16 and drives, she’s choosing us less. He says that he could imagine if his daughter is not bonded to me and my daughter, she might not even come to see him when she is an adult visiting home from college/as a married adult/with her husband and kids, basically as life moves on. He says that would break his heart and maybe he could not stay in the marriage. I love this man, but this scares me as I don’t think I can have an effect on how his daughter feels about me and my daughter. And just to clarify, I am NOT an affair partner (that is why I am divorced—I had a cheating husband—but he started dating me after he was 2 years divorced). I don’t know what to do!
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You have begun to drink his Kool-aid.He thinks I can be responsible for improving the relationship with his daughter. He thinks we adults have made mistakes in the past. For example, my daughter didn't come to his daughter's events, but when I planned something with my daughter (a festival, college grad party, celebratory dinner, etc), I always invited my boyfriend and his daughter to join us. His daughter was then "dragged" along and I guess she feels that she's done with that, now that she's 16. She has literally said "Why do I have to go to {name of my daughter}'s things when she never comes to my things?"
So maybe I am partially responsible, as the balance was not there.
The difficulty is that the high school student's "things" are rarely spent socializing with her. Most of the time, she is on a stage or sports field and there is little to no interaction. So it's hards to get a college kid to come watch those things, as it doesn't foster an interaction between the four of us--it's more a symbolic show of support than an opportunity to bond. However, I did go (still do go) to most of his daughter's things and she usually seems happy I am there.
The concern is that his daughter declines the all-of-us things now (like the festivals, parties, dinners). It all started after she turned 16. But even when she was 15, she did not seem thrilled to be at the all-of-us occasions. My boyfriend says it's because we focused more on my daughter during those times. This may be true, because a lot of those times I had not seen my daughter in a long time because she was living at college. When she came to those things, it was a big gab-fest for her and me, lots of focus on her from me. I didn't think how that might effect my boyfriend's daughter in those instances.
So perhaps my daughter and I can have an effect on his daughter's feelings? I am trying to keep an open mind.
Your daughter is a lot older. Forcing her to go to your boyfriend's much younger daughter's things would have been absolutely ridiculous. I am surprised you are questioning that. He's gotten to you.
I agree with this, and @StartingOverHopeful, I'm actually in the same situation, minus my own child. My BF and I have been together over 4 years now, and living together for the last 9 months. My relatinoship with his youngest has always been a challenge. Met her when she was 8 and her older sister was 14 (they're 12 and 18 now). Oldest daughter has almost always been pleasant to me, but the youngest is a very volatile child, and so it's always been a big hurdle.
I agree that like it is in my own situation, your BF's daughter probably sees you as the breaking of her family, someone who's trying
Ursala you have stated that you wish you hadn't rented out your house and moved in. Has things improved so much that you are now good?Oh I hear you, it's SO difficult. Like you, I also love and care about my BF, but there are times that I still wonder if things are going to be so hard for years to come and I should just cut and run now. It's not an easy decision to say the least, so I feel your pain with that!
Also your boyfriends expectations are lower than this guys.
How do you think you'd be feeling if everytime something didn't go his way with his daughter he blamed you and your child.
As if catching up with your own child who is home from college is some sin. Puhleeze
The problem I see with absolute pure devotion to our children is.. one day they leave. We are to train them up, that’s the mission. Not coddle, give them everything, every ounce of our being. This is far too common and I’m married couples, when the kids come first all the time, it’s worn as a badge of honor, and that’s dumb.Anastasia6, you hit on all my fears. He thinks after 3 years of doing group activities with both girls (and MANY times of me going to his daughter's high school activities), we have a problem that his daughter does not want to join something social with me and my daughter (a new job celebration dinner last Saturday night). He wants me to see this as a "non-family-bonded" sign, a problem to work on as a couple. He says we need to fix it or we probably won't have a happy marriage.
He's incredibly devoted to his daughter, like beyond anything I have ever seen in anybody honestly, which is admirable to me and one of the things that attracted me to him in the first place. I did not see something like this coming.
There is a middle ground in caretaking children. When a couple gets bound up in their kids and not each other so many times, they become disconnected to one another and their relationship hurts for it. What the hell do people do after raising kids for let’s just say for fun 20 years, and they put themselves on the back burner. Now you are alone, the kids are off.. you got relearn each other and there are many many who cannot and seperate for this vary reason.
It’s unfortunate her parents relationship did not pan out, she’s old enough to know that isn’t your fault. And he should be taking up for that in some manner, even if it’s him taking it on himself. This shouldn’t be your job. You should be inclusive, kind and nurturing to your ability, but you do not need to grovel for her approval, or his for that matter. This sounds like bad news for a future honestly unless he makes some different choices.
Oh sorry, I'm not sure where you got that I think catching up with your child who's home from college is a sin. I think you may have mis-read something, as I don't recall saying this.Ursala you have stated that you wish you hadn't rented out your house and moved in. Has things improved so much that you are now good?
Also your boyfriends expectations are lower than this guys.
How do you think you'd be feeling if everytime something didn't go his way with his daughter he blamed you and your child.
As if catching up with your own child who is home from college is some sin. Puhleeze
That's correct, had I known then what I know now, I would have either held off a few years on moving in, or I wouldn't have moved in at all. Things are going well (or at least a lot better) now, but we still have a long way to go.
I wouldn't say that my BF's expectations are lower than OP's BF's expectations, but that's just what I understand when I read her post. I think that both of our partner's expect a certain degree of camraderie.
If my BF blamed me and my "child" (which is in quotes because I don't have children) for something that went wrong, I wouldn't like that very much. I don't think this is the case in OP's case, but it certainly could ring true for both of us in the future.
I don't think "blame" is the right word. In a nutshell, over the last few weeks, his child has declined coming to things with me and my daughter. He thinks after our dating four years and the girls knowing each other three years, they should want to do things together. He doesn't really know why everyone isn't bonding more, but says we need to resolve this for him to feel better about creating a "stepfamily" (of course both girls will be young adults when we get married and mine is already living independently and working).Oh sorry, I'm not sure where you got that I think catching up with your child who's home from college is a sin. I think you may have mis-read something, as I don't recall saying this.
That's correct, had I known then what I know now, I would have either held off a few years on moving in, or I wouldn't have moved in at all. Things are going well (or at least a lot better) now, but we still have a long way to go.
I wouldn't say that my BF's expectations are lower than OP's BF's expectations, but that's just what I understand when I read her post. I think that both of our partner's expect a certain degree of camraderie.
If my BF blamed me and my "child" (which is in quotes because I don't have children) for something that went wrong, I wouldn't like that very much. I don't think this is the case in OP's case, but it certainly could ring true for both of us in the future.
My daughter has no issue spending time as the four of us, but I don't ask her to do high school stuff. I plan the group things she would love such as festivals, dinners, parties, typical 22-year-old appealing stuff. His daughter is not explaining why she doesn't want to do these things except "why should I go to her things when she doesn't go to my things." His daughter is not really good about opening up about all her feelings, so that's all he knows. He worries that if his daughter doesn't feel close to (embrace, bond with) my daughter and me, she will stop being a part of her father's life after we marry. He is afraid of her rejection of him and thinks that my marriage to him might deter her from spending time with us at our marital home. He wants to promote the bonding now. I came on TAM because I don't know how to make that happen, or if it's even possible. Or if I should be concerned that he cares so much about her acceptance of him/us in the future, which is probably out of my control.
Sorry Ursula I was multitasking. I wasn't saying that you thought catching up was a sin.Oh sorry, I'm not sure where you got that I think catching up with your child who's home from college is a sin. I think you may have mis-read something, as I don't recall saying this.
That's correct, had I known then what I know now, I would have either held off a few years on moving in, or I wouldn't have moved in at all. Things are going well (or at least a lot better) now, but we still have a long way to go.
I wouldn't say that my BF's expectations are lower than OP's BF's expectations, but that's just what I understand when I read her post. I think that both of our partner's expect a certain degree of camraderie.
If my BF blamed me and my "child" (which is in quotes because I don't have children) for something that went wrong, I wouldn't like that very much. I don't think this is the case in OP's case, but it certainly could ring true for both of us in the future.
I was saying that the OP feels like her catching up with her daughter somehow is bad because they didn't bond with the other child.
I got news for you and him, if he thinks it would be different with anyone else.. it won’t be. This is an internal issue his daughter is dealing with and until it’s addressed, whether that means counseling for her, counseling for you all, it will be a problem with any woman he brings into the picture.I don't think "blame" is the right word. In a nutshell, over the last few weeks, his child has declined coming to things with me and my daughter. He thinks after our dating four years and the girls knowing each other three years, they should want to do things together. He doesn't really know why everyone isn't bonding more, but says we need to resolve this for him to feel better about creating a "stepfamily" (of course both girls will be young adults when we get married and mine is already living independently and working).
My daughter has no issue spending time as the four of us, but I don't ask her to do high school stuff. I plan the group things she would love such as festivals, dinners, parties, typical 22-year-old appealing stuff. His daughter is not explaining why she doesn't want to do these things except "why should I go to her things when she doesn't go to my things." His daughter is not really good about opening up about all her feelings, so that's all he knows. He worries that if his daughter doesn't feel close to (embrace, bond with) my daughter and me, she will stop being a part of her father's life after we marry. He is afraid of her rejection of him and thinks that my marriage to him might deter her from spending time with us at our marital home. He wants to promote the bonding now. I came on TAM because I don't know how to make that happen, or if it's even possible. Or if I should be concerned that he cares so much about her acceptance of him/us in the future, which is probably out of my control.
It‘s very odd his preoccupation on pleasing his daughter. Sure, no one wants their children to stop coming around, but life doesn’t revolve around them and if that’s what he wants, his life to revolve around her so she knows she’s the best thing that ever happened to him, well.. he’s gonna get what he’s asking for.
How old is your boyfriend/fiance?
I mean, I get your boyfriend's perspective, but it's possible she may never like you. To have him say that he could walk away from your potential marriage over this is ridiculous though, and frankly, not stable for you or your child. It's not your fault if she doesn't bond with you and your daughter, people make choices and sometimes that's out of others' control. I might reconsider marrying your boyfriend. Why do you have to take it to the next level anyway? Or better yet, maybe he should have a talk with her and get to the bottom of it.Does anybody have insight when dating a divorced man with a teenage daughter who is a bit standoffish to me and my kid? He and his ex-wife had one daughter together who is now 16 years old. He wants to move our relationship forward and propose, but he has high expectations for our separate family units to assimilate first—basically an expectation that his daughter is bonded to me and my daughter—before he proposes. Our two children (16- and 22.5-year-old girls) are nice to each other but are not “bonding” despite us planning activities that bring us all together. Yet his daughter does not want to spend time with me and my daughter when given the choice, so the times we had together were when her dad pressured her, or she was too young to make decisions for herself. Now that she is 16 and drives, she’s choosing us less. He says that he could imagine if his daughter is not bonded to me and my daughter, she might not even come to see him when she is an adult visiting home from college/as a married adult/with her husband and kids, basically as life moves on. He says that would break his heart and maybe he could not stay in the marriage. I love this man, but this scares me as I don’t think I can have an effect on how his daughter feels about me and my daughter. And just to clarify, I am NOT an affair partner (that is why I am divorced—I had a cheating husband—but he started dating me after he was 2 years divorced). I don’t know what to do!
What 16 year old wants to go to a 22 year-olds stuff, and vice versa? They are at different life stages. For that matter, what 16 year old wants to do stuff with parents??? 🤣🤣🤣
My kids are close, but my older son was very disinterested in going to younger ones stuff. Over years never even went to one single soccer game.
OP's boyfriend is delusional as to thinking these teens and young adults will want to participate in stuff.
Delusional.
My kids are close, but my older son was very disinterested in going to younger ones stuff. Over years never even went to one single soccer game.
OP's boyfriend is delusional as to thinking these teens and young adults will want to participate in stuff.
Delusional.
Other posters have already said it.
He is putting up a barrier to furthering your relationship by making you responsible for the relationship with his daughter.
It's a Catch 22. It's ridiculous and his problem.
If you walk away, all of a sudden he will at least pretend to compromise.
This is why his divorce was contentious.
He doesn't do relationships. He plays chess. I feel sorry for his daughter.
He is putting up a barrier to furthering your relationship by making you responsible for the relationship with his daughter.
It's a Catch 22. It's ridiculous and his problem.
If you walk away, all of a sudden he will at least pretend to compromise.
This is why his divorce was contentious.
He doesn't do relationships. He plays chess. I feel sorry for his daughter.
I'm a stepmum too, it's not for the faint of heart lol. He's still being unrealistic. And to hold you accountable for what his daughter may do - even if you do everything he wants you to, is cruel.He thinks I can be responsible for improving the relationship with his daughter. He thinks we adults have made mistakes in the past. For example, my daughter didn't come to his daughter's events, but when I planned something with my daughter (a festival, college grad party, celebratory dinner, etc), I always invited my boyfriend and his daughter to join us. His daughter was then "dragged" along and I guess she feels that she's done with that, now that she's 16. She has literally said "Why do I have to go to {name of my daughter}'s things when she never comes to my things?"
So maybe I am partially responsible, as the balance was not there.
The difficulty is that the high school student's "things" are rarely spent socializing with her. Most of the time, she is on a stage or sports field and there is little to no interaction. So it's hards to get a college kid to come watch those things, as it doesn't foster an interaction between the four of us--it's more a symbolic show of support than an opportunity to bond. However, I did go (still do go) to most of his daughter's things and she usually seems happy I am there.
The concern is that his daughter declines the all-of-us things now (like the festivals, parties, dinners). It all started after she turned 16. But even when she was 15, she did not seem thrilled to be at the all-of-us occasions. My boyfriend says it's because we focused more on my daughter during those times. This may be true, because a lot of those times I had not seen my daughter in a long time because she was living at college. When she came to those things, it was a big gab-fest for her and me, lots of focus on her from me. I didn't think how that might effect my boyfriend's daughter in those instances.
So perhaps my daughter and I can have an effect on his daughter's feelings? I am trying to keep an open mind.
My boyfriend is 52 years old. Not immature in life, that's for sure. He's just super-focused on his daughter. Family is everything to him and he dreams of family life growing old with the four of us (six of us when our kids have partners, then add in grandkids).I got news for you and him, if he thinks it would be different with anyone else.. it won’t be. This is an internal issue his daughter is dealing with and until it’s addressed, whether that means counseling for her, counseling for you all, it will be a problem with any woman he brings into the picture.
It‘s very odd his preoccupation on pleasing his daughter. Sure, no one wants their children to stop coming around, but life doesn’t revolve around them and if that’s what he wants, his life to revolve around her so she knows she’s the best thing that ever happened to him, well.. he’s gonna get what he’s asking for.
How old is your boyfriend/fiance?
I agree that it would not be different with anyone else if we break up. In fact, if I broke up with him, I would encourage him to remain single so he can 100% focus on his daughter and not dividing his attention with another woman and her child(ren) in his life.
His daughter could marry someone and end up moving across the country from him. Or end up across the country for a job, etc.My boyfriend is 52 years old. Not immature in life, that's for sure. He's just super-focused on his daughter. Family is everything to him and he dreams of family life growing old with the four of us (six of us when our kids have partners, then add in grandkids).
I agree that it would not be different with anyone else if we break up. In fact, if I broke up with him, I would encourage him to remain single so he can 100% focus on his daughter and not dividing his attention with another woman and her child(ren) in his life.
I would say that "blame" wouldn't be the correct word either, but I just used that particular word because @Anastasia6 used it when asking me what she did. I did read about OP's situation in a much earlier post as well. Personally, I feel like this situation is out of the control of OP, and that her BF needs to take more onus as well. You know, the "working as part of a team" mentality.I don't think "blame" is the right word. In a nutshell, over the last few weeks, his child has declined coming to things with me and my daughter. He thinks after our dating four years and the girls knowing each other three years, they should want to do things together. He doesn't really know why everyone isn't bonding more, but says we need to resolve this for him to feel better about creating a "stepfamily" (of course both girls will be young adults when we get married and mine is already living independently and working).
My daughter has no issue spending time as the four of us, but I don't ask her to do high school stuff. I plan the group things she would love such as festivals, dinners, parties, typical 22-year-old appealing stuff. His daughter is not explaining why she doesn't want to do these things except "why should I go to her things when she doesn't go to my things." His daughter is not really good about opening up about all her feelings, so that's all he knows. He worries that if his daughter doesn't feel close to (embrace, bond with) my daughter and me, she will stop being a part of her father's life after we marry. He is afraid of her rejection of him and thinks that my marriage to him might deter her from spending time with us at our marital home. He wants to promote the bonding now. I came on TAM because I don't know how to make that happen, or if it's even possible. Or if I should be concerned that he cares so much about her acceptance of him/us in the future, which is probably out of my control.
Ah gotcha! I'm not sure if OP feels that way, or was just made to feel that way from her partner and his child. If it were me, and I had a college aged child who only visitied occasionally, I would want to spend some time catching up. Some of the conversation would include everyone in the family, I'm sure, but some would just be between my child and I. I assume that OP's BF spends time with his daughter alone, and I'd think that OP doesn't make him feel badly for that.Sorry Ursula I was multitasking. I wasn't saying that you thought catching up was a sin.
I was saying that the OP feels like her catching up with her daughter somehow is bad because they didn't bond with the other child.
My boyfriend does not make me feel it was wrong to focus on my daughter during our all-of-us gatherings, but he was pointing out that for some reason (we don't know why) his daughter isn't really interested in doing those kinds of gatherings anymore. He talked about a lot of factors that could contribute and he mentioned the way we are when we're together recently--because I don't see my daughter much, there is a bit of an imbalance on where attention goes when my daughter joins us.Ah gotcha! I'm not sure if OP feels that way, or was just made to feel that way from her partner and his child. If it were me, and I had a college aged child who only visitied occasionally, I would want to spend some time catching up. Some of the conversation would include everyone in the family, I'm sure, but some would just be between my child and I. I assume that OP's BF spends time with his daughter alone, and I'd think that OP doesn't make him feel badly for that.
That being said, so much is new that could explain her behavior--she turned 16, she got her license and a car, she has a serious boyfriend, her mom got sick--so it's hard to say why she is pulling away from the "future stepfamily" scene. We just know she pulled away and is choosing to not do things as a group now. He is worried because this is the OPPOSITE direction he had hoped for as time went on and a marriage gets closer.
My boyfriend does want to work TOGETHER to help improve the bonding between the girls and us. But yesterday he told me he plans to spend his time with her this summer very one-on-one with her and we won't be doing anything with them, so he can solidify their father-daughter relationship before we work on the larger one of the four of us. He says their relationship (father-daughter) is a little strained right now too. So maybe it's just typical teenage angst and independence that's at play. When my daughter was 16 years old, I had no expectations that she would want to do anything with me!! She did her own thing. He still has somewhat high expectations for his child. We will see how she responds to his planned summer.
I hope you can see how this is just ...... not right.My boyfriend does not make me feel it was wrong to focus on my daughter during our all-of-us gatherings, but he was pointing out that for some reason (we don't know why) his daughter isn't really interested in doing those kinds of gatherings anymore. He talked about a lot of factors that could contribute and he mentioned the way we are when we're together recently--because I don't see my daughter much, there is a bit of an imbalance on where attention goes when my daughter joins us.
That being said, so much is new that could explain her behavior--she turned 16, she got her license and a car, she has a serious boyfriend, her mom got sick--so it's hard to say why she is pulling away from the "future stepfamily" scene. We just know she pulled away and is choosing to not do things as a group now. He is worried because this is the OPPOSITE direction he had hoped for as time went on and a marriage gets closer.
My boyfriend does want to work TOGETHER to help improve the bonding between the girls and us. But yesterday he told me he plans to spend his time with her this summer very one-on-one with her and we won't be doing anything with them, so he can solidify their father-daughter relationship before we work on the larger one of the four of us. He says their relationship (father-daughter) is a little strained right now too. So maybe it's just typical teenage angst and independence that's at play. When my daughter was 16 years old, I had no expectations that she would want to do anything with me!! She did her own thing. He still has somewhat high expectations for his child. We will see how she responds to his planned summer.
I hope everything works out for you. It's obvious you don't quite see how this is going to go for the long run. I really hope you don't waste 10 years to only find out this child and her father aren't going to ever be your true family. Dad is where the answer lies but he's unwilling to accept anything less than some brady bunch and it doesn't look like that is going to happen.
It's a rare 16 year old girl with a car, and a boyfriend, who is going to want to spend much time at all with her dad massively one on one bonding. I'll say it for her....yuk. She is going to want to be bonding with her friends and her boyfriend this summer. Not her father.My boyfriend does not make me feel it was wrong to focus on my daughter during our all-of-us gatherings, but he was pointing out that for some reason (we don't know why) his daughter isn't really interested in doing those kinds of gatherings anymore. He talked about a lot of factors that could contribute and he mentioned the way we are when we're together recently--because I don't see my daughter much, there is a bit of an imbalance on where attention goes when my daughter joins us.
That being said, so much is new that could explain her behavior--she turned 16, she got her license and a car, she has a serious boyfriend, her mom got sick--so it's hard to say why she is pulling away from the "future stepfamily" scene. We just know she pulled away and is choosing to not do things as a group now. He is worried because this is the OPPOSITE direction he had hoped for as time went on and a marriage gets closer.
My boyfriend does want to work TOGETHER to help improve the bonding between the girls and us. But yesterday he told me he plans to spend his time with her this summer very one-on-one with her and we won't be doing anything with them, so he can solidify their father-daughter relationship before we work on the larger one of the four of us. He says their relationship (father-daughter) is a little strained right now too. So maybe it's just typical teenage angst and independence that's at play. When my daughter was 16 years old, I had no expectations that she would want to do anything with me!! She did her own thing. He still has somewhat high expectations for his child. We will see how she responds to his planned summer.
It's not like your children are young and you are going to be bringing up minor children together for years and years. Your daughter is in her 20s and his is a teenager. You aren't going to be a happy family of 4. You might be a part time family of 3, on the days she is with him, but I doubt she is ever going to be huge into the "stepfamily" scene. She has a mom and a dad, and perhaps dad's wife.
I think your boyfriend has unrealistic, unreasonable ideas and that it's going to ruin your relationship.
An ugly divorce/tumultuous co-parenting and a mom with whom daughter is super close has a life threatening illness.He was NOT checked out for his daughter's first 16 years. He was a stay-at-home dad for a while when she was a toddler. He fought hard in a custody battle when she was 8-9 years old. But the daughter is VERY, VERY close to her mom. The divorce was ugly and co-parenting is really tumultuous, so I know that plays a role. Also, mom has had some life-threatening health issues in the last two years. Sad all around.
Daughter is only 16.
I would say that this family needs space. If your bf is pushing you away, make an
assumption that this is for the best.
If you hold on now, all the difficulty will be put on you.
They are in for a rocky road and it has nothing to do with you.
His daughter has a co dependent father and a very ill mom.
That is a difficult place to be at her age.
If he weren't so hateful to his ex wife, family counseling for the daughter's sake would be ideal.
For him to not compete for the affection of his daughter would be healing but it's obvious that he has zero self awareness, is going full throttle into transferring the same competitive disdain to you.
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