When you partner's child doesn't embrace you

1851 Views 61 Replies 21 Participants Last post by Diana7, 13 d ago

StartingOverHopeful

Discussion Starter · 19 d ago

Does anybody have insight when dating a divorced man with a teenage daughter who is a bit standoffish to me and my kid? He and his ex-wife had one daughter together who is now 16 years old. He wants to move our relationship forward and propose, but he has high expectations for our separate family units to assimilate first—basically an expectation that his daughter is bonded to me and my daughter—before he proposes. Our two children (16- and 22.5-year-old girls) are nice to each other but are not “bonding” despite us planning activities that bring us all together. Yet his daughter does not want to spend time with me and my daughter when given the choice, so the times we had together were when her dad pressured her, or she was too young to make decisions for herself. Now that she is 16 and drives, she’s choosing us less. He says that he could imagine if his daughter is not bonded to me and my daughter, she might not even come to see him when she is an adult visiting home from college/as a married adult/with her husband and kids, basically as life moves on. He says that would break his heart and maybe he could not stay in the marriage. I love this man, but this scares me as I don’t think I can have an effect on how his daughter feels about me and my daughter. And just to clarify, I am NOT an affair partner (that is why I am divorced—I had a cheating husband—but he started dating me after he was 2 years divorced). I don’t know what to do!

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Anastasia6

· #21 · 18 d ago

Look hard cause he's showing you life and it ain't pretty. He expects you to control the feelings of a 16 year old girl. Not going to happen. Of course you should be polite and inviting when appropriate but you can't chase or 'be friends' with an independent teenager. Next if you somehow move on with the marriage then any bump in the road will be you or your childs fault.

I know you say you lvoe this man but he has unrealistic expectations and the implications of which spell trouble for your future with him. You'll be 10years down the road and he'll be blaming you that his daughter didn't ......

I would bail. I mean you could have a heart to heart about what position he is putting you in BUT it won't really change his feelings. It also tells you his daughter will ALWAYS come before you and between you.

It would be one thing if you were causing conflict but you aren't.

Think about this long and hard. Please. I know how hard it is to walk away from someone you 'love' but he isn't loving you.

AT least see a counselor. but really bail and bail now.

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DownByTheRiver

· #22 · 18 d ago

StartingOverHopeful said:
Does anybody have insight when dating a divorced man with a teenage daughter who is a bit standoffish to me and my kid? He and his ex-wife had one daughter together who is now 16 years old. He wants to move our relationship forward and propose, but he has high expectations for our separate family units to assimilate first—basically an expectation that his daughter is bonded to me and my daughter—before he proposes. Our two children (16- and 22.5-year-old girls) are nice to each other but are not “bonding” despite us planning activities that bring us all together. Yet his daughter does not want to spend time with me and my daughter when given the choice, so the times we had together were when her dad pressured her, or she was too young to make decisions for herself. Now that she is 16 and drives, she’s choosing us less. He says that he could imagine if his daughter is not bonded to me and my daughter, she might not even come to see him when she is an adult visiting home from college/as a married adult/with her husband and kids, basically as life moves on. He says that would break his heart and maybe he could not stay in the marriage. I love this man, but this scares me as I don’t think I can have an effect on how his daughter feels about me and my daughter. And just to clarify, I am NOT an affair partner (that is why I am divorced—I had a cheating husband—but he started dating me after he was 2 years divorced). I don’t know what to do!

He needs to grow up a little himself. He's just not being at all realistic. If his daughter doesn't care anymore about him than to stay away because of you and or your daughter, that's not your problem or your fault. I don't know why he thinks this belongs on your plate. Anytime I hear that the requisite is that you have to really get along with the stepchild, my first suspicion is that he's trying to get out from under some parental duties and pass those over to you without having to hear about it. Hoping you can take over.

I would be very hesitant to marry this guy as long as he's not taking responsibility for his own situation there and trying to make that your problem.

Number one, she's a teenager and it's too late to try to trick her into bonding with someone she may feel she has no reason to bond with or has nothing in common with and that also includes your child. They may be on different planets socially. He just needs to stop making this your problem and either commit or not because I guarantee you his daughter is smart enough to know he's not committing to you and is holding back and as long as that's happening, she has no reason to even put forth the effort.

Also what 16-year-olds go around hugging people? I certainly did not.

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Anastasia6

· #23 · 18 d ago

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StartingOverHopeful

Discussion Starter · #24 · 18 d ago

Anastasia6 said:
Look hard cause he's showing you life and it ain't pretty. He expects you to control the feelings of a 16 year old girl. Not going to happen. Of course you should be polite and inviting when appropriate but you can't chase or 'be friends' with an independent teenager. Next if you somehow move on with the marriage then any bump in the road will be you or your childs fault.

I know you say you lvoe this man but he has unrealistic expectations and the implications of which spell trouble for your future with him. You'll be 10years down the road and he'll be blaming you that his daughter didn't ......

I would bail. I mean you could have a heart to heart about what position he is putting you in BUT it won't really change his feelings. It also tells you his daughter will ALWAYS come before you and between you.

It would be one thing if you were causing conflict but you aren't.

Think about this long and hard. Please. I know how hard it is to walk away from someone you 'love' but he isn't loving you.

AT least see a counselor. but really bail and bail now.

Anastasia6, you hit on all my fears. He thinks after 3 years of doing group activities with both girls (and MANY times of me going to his daughter's high school activities), we have a problem that his daughter does not want to join something social with me and my daughter (a new job celebration dinner last Saturday night). He wants me to see this as a "non-family-bonded" sign, a problem to work on as a couple. He says we need to fix it or we probably won't have a happy marriage.

He's incredibly devoted to his daughter, like beyond anything I have ever seen in anybody honestly, which is admirable to me and one of the things that attracted me to him in the first place. I did not see something like this coming.

StartingOverHopeful

Discussion Starter · #25 · 18 d ago

DownByTheRiver said:
He needs to grow up a little himself. He's just not being at all realistic. If his daughter doesn't care anymore about him than to stay away because of you and or your daughter, that's not your problem or your fault. I don't know why he thinks this belongs on your plate.

He thinks we should have tried harder to bond as a group--the four of us--before his daughter got to 16. During those years, I did not pressure my child to leave college and attend his daughter's activities. However, when my daughter came home for a celebration, he always brought his daughter over (she was younger and he didn't give her a choice). So now his daughter at 16 feels that she can drive and choose her activities, and she doesn't choose to spend time with us. That's upsetting to him. He says it's not important whose fault that is that she is feeling this way, but I think he does blame me/my child somewhat for the failure to bond because my child didn't come and support his child in her activities (I came 75% of the time). He says instead of worrying about the past, we should work on fixing it going forward. I admit I did fail to pressure my child to come to weekend events she would not have wanted to attend--high school functions--but I did this because I do not think that's the way to make two potential stepsisters feel good about each other. I'm not sure if it would have helped the situation or hurt it. I am open to hearing that I was wrong.

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DownByTheRiver

· #26 · 18 d ago

StartingOverHopeful said:
He thinks we should have tried harder to bond as a group--the four of us--before his daughter got to 16. During those years, I did not pressure my child to leave college and attend his daughter's activities. However, when my daughter came home for a celebration, he always brought his daughter over (she was younger and he didn't give her a choice). So now his daughter at 16 feels that she can drive and choose her activities, and she doesn't choose to spend time with us. That's upsetting to him. He says it's not important whose fault that is that she is feeling this way, but I think he does blame me/my child somewhat for the failure to bond because my child didn't come and support his child in her activities (I came 75% of the time). He says instead of worrying about the past, we should work on fixing it going forward. I admit I did fail to pressure my child to come to weekend events she would not have wanted to attend--high school functions--but I did this because I do not think that's the way to make two potential stepsisters feel good about each other. I'm not sure if it would have helped the situation or hurt it. I am open to hearing that I was wrong.

Forcing it just causes resentment on both sides. She's 16 and at this point she was just starting to have her own life. It's his thinking about it that's messed up. Is she planning on leaving and going to college in a couple of years or no?

Anastasia6

· #27 · 18 d ago

StartingOverHopeful said:
He thinks we should have tried harder to bond as a group--the four of us--before his daughter got to 16. During those years, I did not pressure my child to leave college and attend his daughter's activities. However, when my daughter came home for a celebration, he always brought his daughter over (she was younger and he didn't give her a choice). So now his daughter at 16 feels that she can drive and choose her activities, and she doesn't choose to spend time with us. That's upsetting to him. He says it's not important whose fault that is that she is feeling this way, but I think he does blame me/my child somewhat for the failure to bond because my child didn't come and support his child in her activities (I came 75% of the time). He says instead of worrying about the past, we should work on fixing it going forward. I admit I did fail to pressure my child to come to weekend events she would not have wanted to attend--high school functions--but I did this because I do not think that's the way to make two potential stepsisters feel good about each other. I'm not sure if it would have helped the situation or hurt it. I am open to hearing that I was wrong.

Frankly forcing them to interact is ok to a point. But most college kids don't come home to go to sibling high school activities and those are bonded kids.

Most second divorces fail due to blended family issues and he doesn't even seem to see how his stance is problematic. You can't force teens to bond with old people. You can't make her feel a certain way. You also can't force your daughter too want to bond either. You can force her to be amicable but different personalities and ages don't always bond.

My MIL always got pissy that my adult child didn't want to hang out with her at 78 years old. I flat out told her. When she was little and you had your chance you didn't read to her. YOu didn't play games with her. You didn't call her on the phone. When we visited you turned on the TV and ignored her. So now she's out living life and you can watch TV while she ignores you.

Thats family. My daughter didn't dislike my MIL she just didn't bond when there was time. As an 24 year old what did she have in common with a 78 year old. You are in the same boat.

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Anastasia6

· #28 · 18 d ago (Edited)

A coupe more things. Forced hugging is a no no. Some people like my daughter only like to be hugged when they want to be hugged which isn't often.

Second. He's worried she won't come to see YOU? If she is bonded to him wouldn't she come to see HIM?

Honestly. I hate to say it but this ones a dud. He should be choosing you over his daughter. Her job is to launch. To come back occasionally not to be his whole life. A husband and wife should put each other first. Now of course if you were mean to her he should put her first, she is a child. But in the context you are putting it he's a dud. DO you really want to spend your whole life second fiddle and always the blame if she gets to busy to visit for thanksgiving?

I know that you feel like you've spent 4 years. BUT look to the future. Do you really want 40-50 years of this? What would create a change? This is a fundamental belief he holds that his daughter is 1st in his world. IT isn't going to change.

You deserve better.

I think you should tell him that you are looking for more space. That you have had a realization that this isn't working. His daughter isn't going to bond at her age to you or your daughter and that you don't want to live in limbo. See how he likes that. Turning it around is the only way I see for him to see how ridiculous he's being. Of course maybe he will agree to the space in which case you save yourself 40 years of not being #1.

Also if you have good finances or if you don't have you two discussed keeping separate cause he most likely is going to want to pass everything of his to his child. You don't want your stuff entangled. Like a mortgage.

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StartingOverHopeful

Discussion Starter · #29 · 18 d ago

DownByTheRiver said:
Forcing it just causes resentment on both sides. She's 16 and at this point she was just starting to have her own life. It's his thinking about it that's messed up. Is she planning on leaving and going to college in a couple of years or no?

Yes his daughter plans to leave and go away to college. I guess she could stay living at home and going to community college for two years, as it's too early to tell. She's finishing up sophomore year of high school right now.

I agree that forcing the girls to be close just causes resentment.

He is just super-scared of losing his daughter's affection and wants everything to be perfect, and wants to facilitate that.

DownByTheRiver

· #30 · 18 d ago

StartingOverHopeful said:
Yes his daughter plans to leave and go away to college. I guess she could stay living at home and going to community college for two years, as it's too early to tell. She's finishing up sophomore year of high school right now.

I agree that forcing the girls to be close just causes resentment.

He is just super-scared of losing his daughter's affection and wants everything to be perfect, and wants to facilitate that.

It's unfair of him to make that your responsibility and your daughter's.. Her attachment to him will be based on their life together all these years.

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Anastasia6

· #31 · 18 d ago

DownByTheRiver said:
It's unfair of him to make that your responsibility and your daughter's.. Her attachment to him will be based on their life together all these years.

Well we don't know the story. Maybe he was one of those checked out dad's up until the divorce. She may not be all that bonded to him either.

I guess the girlfriend to be fake about it and just buy her stuff and always give her whatever she wants.

puke not good parenting though and I"d rather be single than dance to the tune of a 16 year old. The worst thing you can do is give the 16 year old the ultimate power.

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StartingOverHopeful

Discussion Starter · #32 · 18 d ago

Anastasia6 said:
Well we don't know the story. Maybe he was one of those checked out dad's up until the divorce. She may not be all that bonded to him either.

He was NOT checked out for his daughter's first 16 years. He was a stay-at-home dad for a while when she was a toddler. He fought hard in a custody battle when she was 8-9 years old. But the daughter is VERY, VERY close to her mom. The divorce was ugly and co-parenting is really tumultuous, so I know that plays a role. Also, mom has had some life-threatening health issues in the last two years. Sad all around.

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lifeistooshort

· #33 · 18 d ago

OP, I was in a somewhat similar position. My ex's daughter was am only child and IMO very spoiled. She wasn't openly rude but she would exclude me from invitations, and he was so terrified that she would see him less that he threw me under the bus.

He also expected me to kiss her ass even though she made zero effort. She was 16 when we met and 29 when I divorced him and it did not improve.

You can't ram bonding down the throats of people....it either happens or it doesn’t. You've got a guy who's insistent on forcing relationships nobody wants and is telling you that you need to kiss her ass and she needs to respond or he won't stay married. Not good partner material.

Do yourself a favor and throw this one back
If he'd going to try to force relationships he's going to remain alone while he kisses his adult daughter's ass. Your going to walk on eggshell and be held responsible your entire married life with him if his daughter doesn't respond how he wants.

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Anastasia6

· #34 · 18 d ago

StartingOverHopeful said:
He was NOT checked out for his daughter's first 16 years. He was a stay-at-home dad for a while when she was a toddler. He fought hard in a custody battle when she was 8-9 years old. But the daughter is VERY, VERY close to her mom. The divorce was ugly and co-parenting is really tumultuous, so I know that plays a role. Also, mom has had some life-threatening health issues in the last two years. Sad all around.

So if he's so great with her then she should be bonded to HIM and he shouldn't rely on her being bonded to you.

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frusdil

· #35 · 18 d ago

He's being ridiculously unrealistic. Wow. And he'll hold you responsible if another person doesn't respond the way he wants her to? Wtf? Will you be blamed if it rains too?

Cut bait and run sweetie. This isn't going to work. And frankly its because of him, not his daughter.

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Ursula

· #36 · 17 d ago

Iadron said:
Honestly she probably doesn’t like you because you represent the breaking of her family. Divorce is such a tremendous emotional trauma on a child and you are a constant hot poker stabbing into that wound that never healed for her.

Fair or not that’s probably how she sees it. And the more you try to force it the more she’s going to try and rebel. There’s nothing you really can do besides let her live her life. Maybe one day she come around to accept you. Maybe she never does. Either way all you can manage is yourself.

I agree with this, and @StartingOverHopeful, I'm actually in the same situation, minus my own child. My BF and I have been together over 4 years now, and living together for the last 9 months. My relatinoship with his youngest has always been a challenge. Met her when she was 8 and her older sister was 14 (they're 12 and 18 now). Oldest daughter has almost always been pleasant to me, but the youngest is a very volatile child, and so it's always been a big hurdle.

I agree that like it is in my own situation, your BF's daughter probably sees you as the breaking of her family, someone who's trying to take over for her Mom, or as competition for her Dad's attention. You aren't necessarily any of these things, but that's probably how she sees it.

She may come around, but don't hold you breath on it. My own BF's daughter is one of the reasons that I would hesitate to marry my BF.

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StartingOverHopeful

Discussion Starter · #37 · 17 d ago

frusdil said:
He's being ridiculously unrealistic. Wow. And he'll hold you responsible if another person doesn't respond the way he wants her to? Wtf? Will you be blamed if it rains too?

He thinks I can be responsible for improving the relationship with his daughter. He thinks we adults have made mistakes in the past. For example, my daughter didn't come to his daughter's events, but when I planned something with my daughter (a festival, college grad party, celebratory dinner, etc), I always invited my boyfriend and his daughter to join us. His daughter was then "dragged" along and I guess she feels that she's done with that, now that she's 16. She has literally said "Why do I have to go to {name of my daughter}'s things when she never comes to my things?"

So maybe I am partially responsible, as the balance was not there.

The difficulty is that the high school student's "things" are rarely spent socializing with her. Most of the time, she is on a stage or sports field and there is little to no interaction. So it's hards to get a college kid to come watch those things, as it doesn't foster an interaction between the four of us--it's more a symbolic show of support than an opportunity to bond. However, I did go (still do go) to most of his daughter's things and she usually seems happy I am there.

The concern is that his daughter declines the all-of-us things now (like the festivals, parties, dinners). It all started after she turned 16. But even when she was 15, she did not seem thrilled to be at the all-of-us occasions. My boyfriend says it's because we focused more on my daughter during those times. This may be true, because a lot of those times I had not seen my daughter in a long time because she was living at college. When she came to those things, it was a big gab-fest for her and me, lots of focus on her from me. I didn't think how that might effect my boyfriend's daughter in those instances.

So perhaps my daughter and I can have an effect on his daughter's feelings? I am trying to keep an open mind.

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StartingOverHopeful

Discussion Starter · #38 · 17 d ago

Ursula said:
I agree with this, and @StartingOverHopeful, I'm actually in the same situation, minus my own child. My BF and I have been together over 4 years now, and living together for the last 9 months. My relatinoship with his youngest has always been a challenge. Met her when she was 8 and her older sister was 14 (they're 12 and 18 now). Oldest daughter has almost always been pleasant to me, but the youngest is a very volatile child, and so it's always been a big hurdle.

I agree that like it is in my own situation, your BF's daughter probably sees you as the breaking of her family, someone who's trying to take over for her Mom, or as competition for her Dad's attention. You aren't necessarily any of these things, but that's probably how she sees it.

She may come around, but don't hold you breath on it. My own BF's daughter is one of the reasons that I would hesitate to marry my BF.

Ursula, thank you for sharing your experience. I love my boyfriend so I have also thought about NOT getting married, but doing the "Living Apart Together" thing forever (or until his child embraces becoming part of a stepfamily, maybe in 10 or 15 years). It's not what I originally wanted, but I am also scared of having a difficult marriage. It's difficult.

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Ursula

· #39 · 17 d ago

StartingOverHopeful said:
This is my position. It's 6.5 years difference (although mine is the older one and the one we are worried about is 16). I told him it's normal and healthy for his 16-year-old to not care about me and my kid, as we aren't even family (yet). I raised an adolescent girl and I was one once! I know how they are very self-focused.

I am posting on here because he wants to figure out how to bond us all better. He wants her to WANT to see me and my daughter. I am looking for insights and ideas. All I can do is be nice, "like" her social media posts, take pictures at her events, etc. More of what I have been doing. And as for my daughter, I have never forced her to do anything with us, but I've organized all-of-us activities and she's participated happily.

So, let me give you a little background on my own situation: I'm dating a man who has 2 daughters, 12 and 18 (I met them with they were 8 and 14). The oldest (who is adopted) has almost always been nice and welcoming and easy to get along with. His youngest (bio child) has always been a real challenge to build a relationship with. I don't have children of my own.

A few months after we started dating, she told her Dad that she liked me, but didn't want him in a relaltionship. She put her 8 year old foot down and refused to let us see one another and when that didn't work, when we were together, she'd blow up his phone constantly. Once I'd moved in, she pretty much didn't want me around and the weeks that we had her, I took my 2 dogs and holed up in the computer room while they had at home movie nights and went out and had fun. They eventually started including me more and more, and things have gradually improved.

A big part of that was that her Dad suggested that her and I hang out, just the two of us. So, every second week when we have her, I've been making the effort to go out with her once and do something that she enjoys. Things now are a bit more stable in terms of us getting along, but she's still super volatile and can be nice one minute and throwing a tantrum the next. Anything sets her off, and she can get really, really angry, and it's compounded by the fact that she doesn't communicate, and just shuts down. When things like this happen, I've gotten much better at stepping aside and letting her Dad deal with it.

I also started seeing a therapist who has given me some great insight and tips for dealing with stuff like this. One tip she gave me that has helped a LOT is this: when she starts acting up, remember these words, "if she could do better, she would do better". Perhaps your BF never sat his daughter down and really talked to her about his relationship with you. Maybe she's used to getting what she wants and isn't now, so she's avoiding you guys.

So, bottom line is that if your BF wants everyone to be more bonded, then you and he need to be making the effort to get everyone hanging out and doing fun things together. Maybe this will foster a better relationship, maybe it won't, but all you can do is try. She may never WANT to spend time with you, and if that's the case, you need to be OK with that. Also, if your BF has stated that things could go south in your possible marriage if his kid no longer wants to be around him, I would think twice about marrying him. Move in first, and see how things go from there.

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DownByTheRiver

· #40 · 17 d ago

StartingOverHopeful said:
Ursula, thank you for sharing your experience. I love my boyfriend so I have also thought about NOT getting married, but doing the "Living Apart Together" thing forever (or until his child embraces becoming part of a stepfamily, maybe in 10 or 15 years). It's not what I originally wanted, but I am also scared of having a difficult marriage. It's difficult.

I bet he's looking for you to take over a bunch of household and kid duties and will keep shopping if you don't. Which is just one more reason not to marry him or move in with him.

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