When you partner's child doesn't embrace you

1841 Views 61 Replies 21 Participants Last post by Diana7, 13 d ago

StartingOverHopeful

Discussion Starter · 19 d ago

Does anybody have insight when dating a divorced man with a teenage daughter who is a bit standoffish to me and my kid? He and his ex-wife had one daughter together who is now 16 years old. He wants to move our relationship forward and propose, but he has high expectations for our separate family units to assimilate first—basically an expectation that his daughter is bonded to me and my daughter—before he proposes. Our two children (16- and 22.5-year-old girls) are nice to each other but are not “bonding” despite us planning activities that bring us all together. Yet his daughter does not want to spend time with me and my daughter when given the choice, so the times we had together were when her dad pressured her, or she was too young to make decisions for herself. Now that she is 16 and drives, she’s choosing us less. He says that he could imagine if his daughter is not bonded to me and my daughter, she might not even come to see him when she is an adult visiting home from college/as a married adult/with her husband and kids, basically as life moves on. He says that would break his heart and maybe he could not stay in the marriage. I love this man, but this scares me as I don’t think I can have an effect on how his daughter feels about me and my daughter. And just to clarify, I am NOT an affair partner (that is why I am divorced—I had a cheating husband—but he started dating me after he was 2 years divorced). I don’t know what to do!

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Iadron

· #2 · 18 d ago

Honestly she probably doesn’t like you because you represent the breaking of her family. Divorce is such a tremendous emotional trauma on a child and you are a constant hot poker stabbing into that wound that never healed for her.

Fair or not that’s probably how she sees it. And the more you try to force it the more she’s going to try and rebel. There’s nothing you really can do besides let her live her life. Maybe one day she come around to accept you. Maybe she never does. Either way all you can manage is yourself.

Reactions: 5

Diana7

· #3 · 18 d ago

Him talking about not staying in the marriage if she stops coming round later on is a big red flag.
How long have you been dating? Have you spoken to the children about the future? About living in the same home?

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Andy1001

· #4 · 18 d ago

He hasn’t even proposed and he’s already talking about leaving the marriage? I think you need to throw this one back, he’s looking for any excuse whatsoever not to marry you.

Reactions: 3

DamianDamian

· #5 · 18 d ago

Teenagers are hard work, this is perfectly normal

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Openminded

· #6 · 18 d ago

It’s not uncommon for children — especially teenagers — to refuse to accept someone new in their parents’ lives. Sometimes it gets better eventually but not always. Children are a primary cause of divorce in second marriages.

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Diceplayer

· #7 · 18 d ago

Openminded said:
It’s not uncommon for children — especially teenagers — to refuse to accept someone new in their parents’ lives. Sometimes it gets better eventually but not always. Children are a primary cause of divorce in second marriages.

^^^THIS^^^ It's more than not uncommon. 70% of second marriages where children are involved fail. And that doesn't mean that the other 30% are happy. Do what you want but at least do it with open eyes and an understanding that this is not going to work.

Reactions: 3

StartingOverHopeful

Discussion Starter · #8 · 18 d ago

Iadron said:
Honestly she probably doesn’t like you because you represent the breaking of her family. Divorce is such a tremendous emotional trauma on a child and you are a constant hot poker stabbing into that wound that never healed for her.

Fair or not that’s probably how she sees it. And the more you try to force it the more she’s going to try and rebel. There’s nothing you really can do besides let her live her life. Maybe one day she come around to accept you. Maybe she never does. Either way all you can manage is yourself.

Yes, I believe this. The daughter claims she is happy her dad is dating, but I think she says what she needs to feel secure and loved by both parents.

Livvie

· #9 · 18 d ago

If I were an almost 23 year old I wouldn't much care about the 16 year old of the dude my mom was dating.

That's a big age gap, even siblings might not hang out much at those ages.

My kids just tolerate the woman my ex married when they were in middle and high school. She's a fruitcake.

Reactions: 3

StartingOverHopeful

Discussion Starter · #10 · 18 d ago

Diana7 said:
Him talking about not staying in the marriage if she stops coming round later on is a big red flag.
How long have you been dating? Have you spoken to the children about the future? About living in the same home?

We have been dating four years. Both girls know we are looking toward marriage. I told him I wanted to wait for his child to launch (two more years). I am not in a hurry because I have a good life in my own house, but I do want to repartner for life eventually.

Both girls know we are dating to eventually marry, and both know the timeline.

The girls would be 18 and 24 when we marry, and mine is independent. His college-bound daughter would come home for holidays and summers. He is worried she would only go to her mom's house if she is not "bonded" to me (mom is not repartnered).

Reactions: 1

SunCMars

· #11 · 18 d ago

Diana7 said:
Him talking about not staying in the marriage if she stops coming round later on is a big red flag.
How long have you been dating? Have you spoken to the children about the future? About living in the same home?

Yeah, what's up with this?

You are marrying the dad, not his daughter.
The young daughter is acting normal, all things considered.

He does not sound like he is totally invested in you.

I agree with @ladron

Gosh, so sorry.

Reactions: 3

Ragnar Ragnasson

· #12 · 18 d ago

In many cases, 16yr old kids, boy or girl, are so wrapped up in themselves their default on everything and everybody is ignore others almost completely.

StartingOverHopeful

Discussion Starter · #13 · 18 d ago

Andy1001 said:
He hasn’t even proposed and he’s already talking about leaving the marriage? I think you need to throw this one back, he’s looking for any excuse whatsoever not to marry you.

I know it sounds bad, but it's more a problem of him wanting us to get all bonded now so the marriage won't push his daughter away from him/his house (our house). He just started getting worried about this when she turned 16 and started driving because she is not choosing to spend time with us. I think it could just be normal teenage behavior, but he is concerned. He seems serious about the proposal. He took me ring shopping. He knows I am in no rush though.

She'sStillGotIt

· #14 · 18 d ago

Ugh. Teenage girls are the 7th circle of hell.

Wait until she's 30 to marry.

Reactions: 5

StartingOverHopeful

Discussion Starter · #15 · 18 d ago

Livvie said:
If I were an almost 23 year old I wouldn't much care about the 16 year old of the dude my mom was dating.

That's a big age gap, even siblings might not hang out much at those ages.

This is my position. It's 6.5 years difference (although mine is the older one and the one we are worried about is 16). I told him it's normal and healthy for his 16-year-old to not care about me and my kid, as we aren't even family (yet). I raised an adolescent girl and I was one once! I know how they are very self-focused.

I am posting on here because he wants to figure out how to bond us all better. He wants her to WANT to see me and my daughter. I am looking for insights and ideas. All I can do is be nice, "like" her social media posts, take pictures at her events, etc. More of what I have been doing. And as for my daughter, I have never forced her to do anything with us, but I've organized all-of-us activities and she's participated happily.

StartingOverHopeful

Discussion Starter · #16 · 18 d ago

Livvie said:
My kids just tolerate the woman my ex married when they were in middle and high school. She's a fruitcake.

If they just "tolerate" your ex's new wife (the fruitcake), do you think once they are 18 they will stop seeing him and his new wife? That is his fear. He does not want to lose his relationship with his kid when she turns 18, so he wants to strengthen the relationships between all of us now.

Livvie

· #17 · 18 d ago

StartingOverHopeful said:
If they just "tolerate" your ex's new wife (the fruitcake), do you think once they are 18 they will stop seeing him and his new wife? That is his fear. He does not want to lose his relationship with his kid when she turns 18, so he wants to strengthen the relationships between all of us now.

They are both in college now.

They of course see their dad, but they don't feel great about having to put up with her.

My oldest son used to come over to my house before work, way before work started (college student), to escape her.

Openminded

· #18 · 18 d ago

Some children basically cut their parents off once they’re young adults and some don’t. At this point he doesn’t know on which side she falls and he won’t know until the time comes. She may feel one way now — good or bad — and change her mind when she 18 or 20 or whatever. He wants guarantees and there are none. My grandchildren are all young adults and they very rarely see their other parent (various reasons for that — including that parent’s choice of partners). You’ve done your part. The rest is up to her. He’s going to have to take a chance when the time comes and so are you if you want to marry him.

Reactions: 2

Laurentium

· #19 · 18 d ago

StartingOverHopeful said:
Does anybody have insight when dating a divorced man with a teenage daughter who is a bit standoffish to me and my kid?

Yes, let her be standoffish, and don't take offence.

Reactions: 4

Beach123

· #20 · 18 d ago

He needs to adjust his expectations.
Just proceed as you wish and see if someday she may warm you your union - or not.

Reactions: 1

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