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Hi. I have been married for 15 years. They weren’t easy but I tried to make it work because I believed in marriage. The problem in my marriage is my husband, he is very selfish and controlling but of course, he thinks he is perfect and I should be lucky to have him, only because he brings more money than me. I work too. I take care of kids, bills, and everything else. He helps with cooking and chores when he wants to, but I wished he didn’t. Most of the times when he is doing something he is loud and complains a lot. Why is this here, why there, Too much drama! You can never please him with chores. I finish 100 chores in a day, but he will find something I haven’t done and is going to point it out, so I am done pleasing him. Most of the times he loves my cooking. If he doesn’t oh boy he is going to make you feel bad about youself. He complains about everything. For instance once we were going to a restaurant for my birthday, a place I picked, ( I am the only one who picks a restaurant or anything because he leaves it to me) and we didn’t make it inside the restaurant because he didn’t like the restaurant for no reason. He was giving me an attitude and I just said, “ You know what, lets go home” ! It was a good restaurant actually with great reviews. We ended up going back home. He didn’t care that that day was about me, not him.
So I feel like I live only to please him. Not to mention his addiction to gambling and alcohol. He is not a happy person when he drinks. He doesn’t drink that often now, but I always feel scared, what if he drinks again... He wants only to fight when drunk( with words ) even if try to ignore him . Now I have another issue. He started a business and relies a lot on my help when it comes to computer because he refuses to learn even how to turn on a computer. He never helped me with my education, kids, work. I never asked for help. Now I don’t mind helping him but he never appreciates it. When we fight he always brings up that I do nothing for him, and says that he pays for everything. I work and have worked full time too most of my marriage. Stopped only when I was pregnant or had to take care of our baby.) but because I bring less money than him, he thinks he is better than me. Niot to mention the jobs I had to quit because I had no one to help me with picking or dropping them at school. So my work hours are limited because of my kids schools schedule. Is not easy to find a job with more money and less hours. He doesn’t care though. According to him, I don’t want to work!!! 🤷‍♀️
Add the fact that I am to blame if something doesn’t go his way on his business. If I tell him do it youself, us your business, he is going to be mad at me. I feel so drained. So tired and I feel like I don’t see a future with him anymore. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life dealing with his short temper, with his everyday complains. I feel happy only when I am at work. I need my peace of mind and I feel so stuck in this marriage because of the kids mostly. My kids don’t want to go anywhere with him, because he is not a good fathet either, he is controlling, always critisizing them, and loud. But still they don’t want us to divorce. I feel like I would be happier if I slept in a car than live with him. :( He always tells me to leave after a fight for any stupid reason, but if I try, he will threaten me. I don’t know what to do but I see no future with him anymore. I rushed into marrying him,( long story) didn’t love him. I liked him and I thought, I will love him one day, but with his behavior he only pushed me away. We don’t have nothing in common. We never did, I just thought we will learn to live with our differences., but to him that means I have to accept his differences, I have to change. ...Cheating was never an issue in our marriage, but he had trusting issues also.
I am sorry for the long post, I just wanted to talk to someone. I haven’t shared this with anyone, other than my sister who is always on my side. My parents know about his temper, they don’t like him much, but I try not to upset them with all my problems.
 

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It really sounds like it's time for you to leave the marriage. There is a reason your parents don't like him, and it's time to let them know what's going on. They will be there for you and support you.

Please do not stay in a marriage "for the kids". You said he isn't even a good father, and he's not a good husband, so what are you staying for? The kids should not be part of the marital decisions. They are children... whether you divorce or not is not up to them and not something they can fully understand.

Why don't your kids what you to divorce? Are they afraid of the unknown? Don't want the stigma (if there is any these days)? Don't want to go between two homes? You can calm whatever their worries are by talking to them, but you shouldn't be doing that until you decide to leave.

Your kids are watching you and your husband and learning from you. Do you want them to learn to put up with being treated the way your husband treats you? Do you want them to learn to treat someone the way your husband treats you? Even if you don't want them to, they are learning these patterns. You can put an end to that by showing them what is and what is not acceptable. Acting this way and treating you, and the children, this way is not acceptable.

At some point your kids are going to move out of the house, what then? It doesn't sound like you will have anything to stay for. Right now you are wasting your time on a man who doesn't deserve you, and as you admitted, a man you have never even loved...
 

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Discussion Starter #3
It really sounds like it's time for you to leave the marriage. There is a reason your parents don't like him, and it's time to let them know what's going on. They will be there for you and support you.

Please do not stay in a marriage "for the kids". You said he isn't even a good father, and he's not a good husband, so what are you staying for? The kids should not be part of the marital decisions. They are children... whether you divorce or not is not up to them and not something they can fully understand.

Why don't your kids what you to divorce? Are they afraid of the unknown? Don't want the stigma (if there is any these days)? Don't want to go between two homes? You can calm whatever their worries are by talking to them, but you shouldn't be doing that until you decide to leave.

Your kids are watching you and your husband and learning from you. Do you want them to learn to put up with being treated the way your husband treats you? Do you want them to learn to treat someone the way your husband treats you? Even if you don't want them to, they are learning these patterns. You can put an end to that by showing them what is and what is not acceptable. Acting this way and treating you, and the children, this way is not acceptable.

At some point your kids are going to move out of the house, what then? It doesn't sound like you will have anything to stay for. Right now you are wasting your time on a man who doesn't deserve you, and as you admitted, a man you have never even loved...
The only reason I don’t tell my parents is that they live in different country, so they can’t help me and I don’t want them to worry. I said I am staying for the kids mostly because I can’t afford to live on my own right now. I don’t want them to change schools, since they changed it two years ago when we bought the house( huge mistake) and I need to put some money aside to afford to find an apartment around here. With my hubby is hard to save any money, He is bad with money even though he is paid good. Also, I have to clear the debt I accumulated with credit cards thanks to my husband. I don’t use credit cards a lot myself, spend $200 the top, but he pushed me. I regret doing it. I will never listen to anyone again when it comes to credit cards. Over $6,000 on my name with huge interest, and same amount on his name. Not to mention other loans. I want to leave us debt free before I make the big move. Why both, because helping him, I am helping myself from drama. He hasn’t paid a bill in at least 13 years. He only knows how to spend and complain why the bill is so high. I take care of them. I really hope to be abke to leave him soon, but I feel trapped right now. :(
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Divorce. Sell the house, split the proceeds, split the debt. That's the only way you're going to get out.

Yes, it's doable. Not fun, but doable.
I feel like he is going to make my life a living hell if I leave him. He even said that. He wants to see me suffer, while I really wish the best for him. I really do, because if he is happy that means He will leave me alone. I feel like he is going to live a miserable life. Maybe lose his business because of his temper and not wanting to pay child support. He is lost without me since I help him a lot with his business, bills, etc, so he needs me more than I do need his money. I really don’t want any money from him even though I have no money. Just my paycheck which is not enough. Waiting to start a second job soon. I just want to leave and not deal with his drama anymore. The sad part is I cared a lot about him, but not anymore. We had good moments but, I feel tired of not knowing what is going to happen at any moment with him. The sad part is he really wants to change but he can’t help himself. He maybe is bipolar ( he can go from happy to sad or mad within minutes, especially after nap) When he wakes up is always in bad mood, or maybe there is another mental issue with him. He was never diagnosed with anything. Another thing is, I know that from his mom’s side they have many who have emotional problems, or have lost their mind because of a separation or something else. One of them lived in my town, vety close to me actually. Beautiful girl, straight A student with very promissing future. She was in medical school at that time to become a doctor when she lost her mind, scizophrenia probably from the way she behaved after her boyfriend left her
. I really hope that something like that doesn’t happen to him.
 

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I feel for you, I've been married 15 years and was always criticized by my wife. I'm thankful that neither one of us have really any substance issues, but that doesn't mean that the same problems can't arise. Here I am now looking to divorce her and it's hard because you think about all the things that have to happen and it feels like a mountain. Plus the societal guilt of having a marriage end. He sounds very selfish and has no common ground to work with. He isn't willing to come to the table to discuss your issues together. That's the big sign for me is he isn't really willing to work together.

He needs to see a therapist to work on his issues. At this point he is using you as a crutch and as a whipping post for his out of control emotions and habits.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
I feel for you, I've been married 15 years and was always criticized by my wife. I'm thankful that neither one of us have really any substance issues, but that doesn't mean that the same problems can't arise. Here I am now looking to divorce her and it's hard because you think about all the things that have to happen and it feels like a mountain. Plus the societal guilt of having a marriage end. He sounds very selfish and has no common ground to work with. He isn't willing to come to the table to discuss your issues together. That's the big sign for me is he isn't really willing to work together.

He needs to see a therapist to work on his issues. At this point he is using you as a crutch and as a whipping post for his out of control emotions and habits.
He will never agree to see a therapist. He knows what’s wrong with him, he sure does, but expects me to be OK with it. Even his own mom keeps my my side when I say something to her. She knows her son well. He says things like, “ Oh you know me, I am mad only for 5 min and then I am OK”. And he is exactly like that but in those 5 mins, anything can happen. So far he hasn’t raised his hands at me, he throws objects though, his phone, remote, whatever is on his hands, not often but has happened at least 3-4 times during our marriage. But mental abuse is the one I can’t handle.
 

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Yeah mental abuse is a big NO in my book. I’ve dealt with it for years in my marriage, this why I’m trying to get me it. He sounds like he does need help, but If he won’t listen to you your just talking to a wall. And walls don’t move.
 

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I put off my divorce for years waiting for the right time to end my marriage, kids, two businesses, finances, friends, family, assets, etc., so much to consider. Suddenly I realized I had been miserably unhappy for 15 years, and you can't get those years back. Once I started the process it was an all out sprint to get it finished. It was an emotionally difficult time, but guess what? The world kept turning, things worked themselves out and I didn't end up living in a box under a bridge.

The best part? It was like someone flipped a switch in my life, I went from being constantly stressed and unhappy to being relaxed, happy and content.

My point is you can always find excuses to stay, but one day you will look back and regret those extra years of being miserable. Sometimes you need to take that first step and let the cards fall as they may, life has a way of working out.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
I put off my divorce for years waiting for the right time to end my marriage, kids, two businesses, finances, friends, family, assets, etc., so much to consider. Suddenly I realized I had been miserably unhappy for 15 years, and you can't get those years back. Once I started the process it was an all out sprint to get it finished. It was an emotionally difficult time, but guess what? The world kept turning, things worked themselves out and I didn't end up living in a box under a bridge.

The best part? It was like someone flipped a switch in my life, I went from being constantly stressed and unhappy to being relaxed, happy and content.

My point is you can always find excuses to stay, but one day you will look back and regret those extra years of being miserable. Sometimes you need to take that first step and let the cards fall as they may, life has a way of working out.
I know they are excuses, but it’s easy for you as a man. With his temper I have to be ready for not an easy break up. The problem is I fear the worst, like he is going to hurt me or even hurt our kids if I divorce him, and I can’t let this feeling go. Once he told me to leave the house, “leave right now”, for a stupid reason. I don’t even remember why he got mad. I got out with the kids to go for a ride. Didn’t bring anything with me. Of course he wasn’t expecting me to react that calm. He ran after me to my car and told me if you leave me I will burn the house down, and I believe he can do such a thing out of anger. He doesn’t think straight when he is angry.
 

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I know they are excuses, but it’s easy for you as a man. With his temper I have to be ready for not an easy break up. The problem is I fear the worst, like he is going to hurt me or even hurt our kids if I divorce him, and I can’t let this feeling go. Once he told me to leave the house, “leave right now”, for a stupid reason. I don’t even remember why he got mad. I got out with the kids to go for a ride. Didn’t bring anything with me. Of course he wasn’t expecting me to react that calm. He ran after me to my car and told me if you leave me I will burn the house down, and I believe he can do such a thing out of anger. He doesn’t think straight when he is angry.
No it wasn't easy, be clear on that, but I didn't fear physical assault as you do. I imagine physical imtimadation and his angry outburst are control tactics used to manipulate you. I guess if you are truly scared and feel threatened you may need to seek protective resources or secure shelter before you leave. I'm sorry for what you are going thru.
 

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I know they are excuses, but it’s easy for you as a man. With his temper I have to be ready for not an easy break up. The problem is I fear the worst, like he is going to hurt me or even hurt our kids if I divorce him, and I can’t let this feeling go. Once he told me to leave the house, “leave right now”, for a stupid reason. I don’t even remember why he got mad. I got out with the kids to go for a ride. Didn’t bring anything with me. Of course he wasn’t expecting me to react that calm. He ran after me to my car and told me if you leave me I will burn the house down, and I believe he can do such a thing out of anger. He doesn’t think straight when he is angry.
If he EVER gets physically violent -- even a tap, you should call the police. His anger is WAY out of control. There are women's shelters that can help you with all this -- you DO NOT have to stay there and take this sort of abuse (nor do the kids).
 

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Talk to a lawyer. Most will do low cost initial visit. Learn your rights and don't wait for the perfect time. Stop second-guessing and walking on egg shells. You may want to keep a voice activated recorder on you at all times for protection.
 

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Start getting your ducks in a row, come up with a timeframe. Save away some money, go visit a lawyer, look at new apartments, consider a new job in a different location, check out schools. you can do all of this without him knowing then tell him. At this juncture, you have to sit him down and tell him what you told us, tell him his yelling, shouting is making things worse and you have had enough. Share about his lack of money skills, lack of support, everthing, write it down if you have to. He must be hit with the reality of what you are going through.
 

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The only reason I don’t tell my parents is that they live in different country, so they can’t help me and I don’t want them to worry. I said I am staying for the kids mostly because I can’t afford to live on my own right now. I don’t want them to change schools, since they changed it two years ago when we bought the house( huge mistake) and I need to put some money aside to afford to find an apartment around here.
Wow, you've got more excuses than I can count.

Stop making EXCUSES and go to a lawyer and get educated on what a divorce would actually LOOK like for you financially. Making up excuse after excuse after excuse for why you can't leave is just an exercise in futility.
 

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I know they are excuses, but it’s easy for you as a man. With his temper I have to be ready for not an easy break up. The problem is I fear the worst, like he is going to hurt me or even hurt our kids if I divorce him, and I can’t let this feeling go.
Spoken just like every typically abused woman - thinking, breathing, and acting entirely out of FEAR.

Do yourself a favor and call a woman's helpline. You need to start taking responsibility for your well-being.
 

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Wow, you've got more excuses than I can count.

Stop making EXCUSES and go to a lawyer and get educated on what a divorce would actually LOOK like for you financially. Making up excuse after excuse after excuse for why you can't leave is just an exercise in futility.
I know my financial situation very well, which means right now is not good. I get nothing because we have no money aside even though he has a business. He is not good with money. He spends money in lottery tickets ( sometimes $400-$600 at a time, especially after a fight) ,he is smoker, I am the one who takes care of bills and I know how much he is paid weekly and what goes in and out our bank account. I know the situation better than him. He only knows how to spend, not save. He was never good with money. I keep notes. We have accumulated a lot of debts from credit cards, loans, and I am working on them right now. Not easy to get rid of them with high interest. Trying to put some money aside for myself, very little everytime I am paid, because with the bills, business taxes, and other business expenses we have, there is not a lot money left. Sometimes I have to use the money I saved to cover a bill. I am trying not to ruin my credit. So far is not bad, in 700-s.
 

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Yesterday we were having a glass of wine in our backyard. When he is in a good mood we usually get along very well, and he felt happy. He said” Thank you God for this good time we are having” He really doesn’t think there are problems in our marriage.🤦‍♀️ He doesn’t think his problems are that bad even though I tell him what’s wrong in our marriage. He things a “good time” like that is all I need to be happy and forget.
I tell him ( whrn he is calm) I don’t like his attitude. I tell him I feel scared of him when he is in a bad mood, but still he doesn’t get it. I tell him why I am never in the mood for sex. He is like how you can be scared of me? And of course denies all those threats he makes when he is throwing a tantrum. He still believes we are going to be together forever. This scares me the most.
In the morning he gave me a kiss when I was “sleeping”. He does that a lot. But than one day he snaps and my fear comes back. That has been my life pretty much. Someone who pretends to love me, but again puts me down, hurts my feelings with hurtful words, everytime something doesn’t go his way. Not to mention he calls me a lot when he is mad at me. Turning off the phone it will make things worse. I usually delete his voicemails. I don’t even listen to them because I know he only screams. I will save them from now on.
 

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I was going to ask about his gambling but you answered that in your last post.

I understand your fear and I understand that you have little to no money.

You need to consult with a lawyer ASAP. I mean now. I would also talk to your local YWCA to see if they have resources for you to leave with your children. I used to live with a physically abusive man. I got a small grant of money from my local YWCA to move myself (no kids) out of my house to get away from him. There are lots of resources out there.

If I were you (check with a lawyer first) I would use a credit card or get another one to start the process to get the hell out of this abusive marriage. Worry about your credit score later. That can always be repaired after you leave .

Start with a lawyer first. Usually a one-time consultation is free or a small charge.
 
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