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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
5th June 2012, H told me he had a ONS while overseas on business.

To cut a very long story short TT continued until 7 July when what I now believe to be the full truth came out, including ONS really a short term PA with person overseas, ongoing EA and other infidelity ongoing throughout our 20yr marriage namely visiting prostitutes 12 or so times. He said this was to relieve frustration and he thought he could hide it, this is also how PA started, as well as opportunity and being out of his environment.

After 7th July info came out he decided on 8th July that he could not trust himself not to hurt me again and he could not keep stringing 2 people along, so it was over for us. OW was going to move here. 3 sons under 14 years and I left. 10th July he told me he had done some soul searching and praying and had called it off with OW and would like me back if I would have him. I went back home to him on July 12 and we are trying to reconcile.

OW was difficult to disconnect from, but as far as I know, there has been NC since 15 August. Disconnection was complicated partly because there were business implications and she was visiting our country at that time. During her visit WH did not see her but had texts, emails, and a phone call which said you now know everything you need to for the business so don't contact me any more.

H is very remorseful. He said the reason he told me was that he loves me, wants our marriage to work and did not want this to ever happen again. That's also why he had to tell me the whole truth, about the prostitutes, so the lying and hiding things would stop. Sometimes his remorse is hard to handle as it seems like he is wallowing in pity, I've asked him to stop this and he has.

I'm still finding a lot of things very hard. Like trying to work and manage the household, pay bills, and just to not cry! As I'm sure is the case with everyone in this situation, I thought my H and I had each other exclusively, and that I was special, and now that is all lost. I do want to reconcile, and we are having MC. I just wonder sometimes who H is, who I am, what on earth has happened? I don't know what I can do to feel better, or what he can do to make me feel better.



Any advice?

Many thanks!!
 

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He just needs to do his part, accept responsibility, be as open as you demand (passwords, access to accounts and devices, etc.), show real remorse, answer any questions truthfully as many times as you ask, figure out why he did what he did, accept your anger if you lose your cool. That's all he can do. The rest is all you. You can go round and round for as long as you need to, to try and make sense of it. It doesn't make sense in the end. At some point you will just decode if your husband is a good man who did bad things, or if he is a bad man who stayed in character. Then you might decide to accept what he did, this will not make it ok, but you will be able to forgive, and move on, with your eyes open, to build a good life together. Or you will decide it is not worth it to waste more time, and you will move on wiser for the experience. How long, who knows exactly? It took me 51 weeks all together, to decide that staying was the right move. Your mileage may vary. Good luck, sorry you are in the situation.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you very much, what you say makes a lot of sense. I do think he is a good man. So hard though. When I'm feeling sad I feel sick of myself and sick of wingeing to my friends and just feel pathetic. So many things trigger sadness, hopefully this will happen less? Sometimes I feel almost normal, but then I remember ......

Thanks again.
 

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I hear you, the are reminders everywhere early on. It came and went, things that got to seem ok for a while would all of a sudden set off the bad feelings. Are you reading lots of books on relationships?
 

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There are triggers that will flood your feelings and make you angry and hurt. Trying to figure out what they are will help. Some of mine where her cell phone, text messages, hotels, one part of town where things happened

Are you working on things with a MC, has he answered all your questions. One of my problems is things kept trickling out. It took my wife about 7 months before she really came clean on everything.

It takes time. Everything I read and our MC tells me that it will take years to really get past all of this crap.

I am sorry you are here and best of luck
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thank you very much, what you say makes a lot of sense. I do think he is a good man. So hard though. When I'm feeling sad I feel sick of myself and sick of wingeing to my friends and just feel pathetic*

Thank you both very much. * I am reading "After the affair" and have also read "Good loving, great sex" . It can be hard to take stuff in though

We are having MC, *and he does answer my questions. *

Lots of triggers, even seeing other couples and wondering if he if faithful to her, almost every song you here. *The OW texted my H lots of song lyrics, and he did in return as well, *he sent her *one song that goes something like, where would we be now if we'd met each other first. Sigh.

OW also sent me all of their correspondence, including my Hs account of their time together and how amazing it all was, how he'd never felt that way, never regret anything etc. *Sigh.

Thanks again for your help.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Sorry, I don't know how the stars got in my reply!

The other thing that is hard is that my H is unable to tell me details about the timing of when he visited prostitutes, so when I'm thinking back on any event in our life I'm left wondering were there any times around then? And why?

But as you say, there is no making sense of it. I'm just looking forward to not feeling like something you would like to scrape off your shoe :-(
 

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Where would they be if they met each other first? Both stepping out, cheating on each other of course!

And that no regrets, it's bull****, total bull****, the type they dish to each other to keep it going while it's on.
 

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Kanga, so sorry you've found yourself here. Just reading you OP, it sounds like a lot of TT. And prostitutes? He sounds totally untrustworthy.

I hate to say it, but do you think the OW dumped him, and your his fallback? When cheats with the history of your CH tell you details of the affair, it's almost never accurate and truthful. It's always incomplete,vague, distorted to put them in the best possible light. I've learnt all of this the hard way.

Be really nice to yourself. I think the 180 would be very useful for you too. Good luck.
 

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Is he going to individual counseling? I think that's really important, so he can dig into why he has so little self-control, and why he's been cheating on you for years and years...and so he can learn how to deal with his problems so that this doesn't happen again.

THAT is at the core of this - HE needs to understand what it is within himself that allowed him to treat you the way he did and he needs to work on "fixing" it.

Without that, I think you may always wonder if he's doing it again.

Also, you really only found out a few months ago, and didn't know "everything" until two months ago. I'm afraid it will take a lot longer than that for you to start feeling better. R is a long road, and it can take years to fully get beyond the betrayals. Don't be too hard on yourself and don't expect too much of yourself. This is going to take a lot of time, commitment, and work.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Thank you all very much.

Vegemite. WH told me that on the day he asked me to R he dumped the OW before asking me to R, which was 2 days after he told me it was over between him and me. OW sent me emails which verify that she was helping him look for an apartment the day before he asked me to R, she was going to move across the world to be here with him. Other emails she has sent him are along the lines of 'why, why, why?' So I don't think she dumped him. He said when he dumped her, she asked him to speak to me first, as she thought I would not have him back. One of her emails also said that he lead her on a journey of lies and deceit. Funnily enough I feel the same way. He did say that he did not make any promises to her, and that she made plans and suggestions without him agreeing.

Norajane. He is going to IC. They have discussed that his thing with prostitutes has continued because he thought he could hide it, and that it relieved frustration and was free from judgement. He had a fairly strict religious upbringing, and before he met me, his first time was with a prostitute. His IC said that that is significant. I suppose its like what I didn't know couldn't hurt me. I think with the PA he also thought he could hide it, he was overseas, away from his environment and usual boundaries. He also said to me, after he told me it was a ONS with someone he met in a bar that night (not someone he met the week before and flirted with extensively and he told her to pack a bag for that night!) he said he thought it would be just sex but it was so exciting. I said "of course it was you bl**dy idi*t!" He had "connected" with her though, and decided to stay an extra day with her, so he lied to me and told me he missed the plane as he had lost his passport. He was feeling guilt though, so he did not stay longer than the extra 24 hrs as he had not at this point decided his marriage was over.

You are right, it going to take a long time. It hurts so much, wondering about the years of betrayal, and its messing with my self worth and confidence big time. He has had a couple of day trips interstate, which have made me a bit uncomfortable, and soon will need to do a short trip overseas, we are planning so that I can go too.

When you say this is going to take a lot of work, what do you really mean by work, in practical terms?

Thanks again!! xx
 

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Well at some point, you will probably begin to take it personally, very personally. Then your emotional rollercoaster will amplify. You may question your decision, you make question his value as a member of the same species as you. You may feel genuine revulsion and disgust. You'll need to deal with all of it. You'll need to learn how to accept what he did, without getting angry or sad. You'll need to let it go. Because it is impossible to calm down and not be angry when the source is lying in bed next to you, if you don't just let it go. It is not easy.
 
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