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The time to heal from infidelity is measured in years. And that is for those that can heal while still in a relationship with their betrayer. Which isn't everyone. Many find they cannot get past it, even once they've forgiven they don't forget, and leave. Reconciling from infidelity will require a lot of effort and energy. Especially as he is statistically likely to cheat again in the future when you may have assets and children involved. Do you really want to invest in a very short marriage that experienced infidelity while the state was still filing the marriage certificate?
True ...True....and True. It’s like looking into a crystal ball.
 

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I'm a bit afraid that OP has given up on us. Perhaps we mistook her willingness to reconcile marriage as an invitation to trespass her stated boundary. reconciliation includes forgiving him. Sooner or later it has to be done. It has to be done without reservation or caveat. It is a lot to ask of any human. I haven't done it.
 

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I'm a bit afraid that OP has given up on us. Perhaps we mistook her willingness to reconcile marriage as an invitation to trespass her stated boundary. reconciliation includes forgiving him. Sooner or later it has to be done. It has to be done without reservation or caveat. It is a lot to ask of any human. I haven't done it.
Maybe. But it's our duty to speak up anyway. It would be more cruel not to speak up, knowing what is involved and the miserable journey ahead which has a very good chance of being for nothing.

This really hit me in the feels, b/c I was like Bdar in wanting to forgive and remake a life. I didn't want to give up, and it took a minute to realize it didn't matter what I wanted, only what was.

Bdar, if you are here, please take some time to go through the site and read some of our stories. Your husband's cheating is not within your power to fix and not about you, this is his responsibility. He needs to own his actions and fix/accept himself and only then, MAYBE try to win you back if you are still amenable.
 

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I have thought about what both of you are saying, and have already reached out to a divorce attorney. Divorce is not off the table, but I have agreed to attempt marriage counseling and try to move past this hurt. Prior to being cheated on I always said I would leave immediately, but things change. Please respect my inquiry about how to try and move on from the affair and cope with the infidelity while trying to put our best foot forward to heal as completely as we can. Please no more comments about how quickly the affair happened or how it doesn’t bode well. I already have all of these thoughts.
I get it. You want advice/opinions about how to go about reconciliation after your POS husband cheated on you 3 weeks into marriage. And I also get that you do not want people to tell you that wanting to stay with him is a monumental mistake, rather than giving you validation for wanting to forgive him. Problem is, you have a plethora of experienced people, on this forum, whom see the abyss of danger that you face, trying to remain with this man. We get it: you love him. Problem is, he does NOT love you. Men who are in love do not cheat. Men who are SANE do not cheat 3 weeks into marriage. Many of us, here on TAM, understand that if he is crazy, and thoughtless enough to cheat only 3 weeks into your marriage, then NOTHING is off the table. He has no boundaries. It's insanity, is what it is!

See, the problem with reconciliation, is that if he does not SERIOUSLY feel the circumstances of his cheating, as sure as the sun rises, HE WILL DO IT AGAIN! Oh, I know. You probably are thinking, but my husband is "different" and our situation is "special". No, it's not.

I'm sure that I can speak for most people, here on TAM, when I say, that everyone wants to give you good, practical and sincere advice that will best help YOU!
1) best thing for you, long term, is divorce
2) if you MUST reconcile, there must be dramatic consequences for his actions. And RECONCILIATION is 100% his job/responsibility, not yours. Everytime that you have sex with him, you are telling him that his cheating was okie dokie with you and that he can do it again and you will still be there for him. Everytime that you have sex with him, you are exposing yourself to the possibility of contracting an STD.

Speaking of which, have you had an STD test yet? You should. Do you have children with this man? If not, you need to seriously consider what your situation will look like 2 or 3 years down the line, when you do have children, and you come to find out that your POS husband has had multiple affairs and now you really are looking at divorce BUT, you have to share custody of your children. Not just with POS hubby, but also, possibly, with his affair partner. How does that sound?

I feel terrible for you that you are going through this as you do not deserve it. I hope that you shake this rat from your neck and find a man that will truly treasure you! There are men out there that would put you up on a pedestal and cherish you and NEVER cheat.
 

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I have thought about what both of you are saying, and have already reached out to a divorce attorney. Divorce is not off the table, but I have agreed to attempt marriage counseling and try to move past this hurt. Prior to being cheated on I always said I would leave immediately, but things change. Please respect my inquiry about how to try and move on from the affair and cope with the infidelity while trying to put our best foot forward to heal as completely as we can. Please no more comments about how quickly the affair happened or how it doesn’t bode well. I already have all of these thoughts.
As others have mentioned it is your husband who has to put in the hard yards to re earn your trust. For those who I have seen reconcile, the wayward spouse sacrifices their freedom and privacy over the course of years, full access to their personal records, conversations, social media, emails, bank account, etc etc. That's what it means to be sorry and to show a commitment for reconciliation - whatever it takes. In your situation you should also investigate possible infidelity over the course of 5 years, as considering his character, it is highly likely you only know the tip of the iceberg. Even then, at the best case scenario, trust can never be 100% ever again and for many this is enough for many marriages to give up on reconciliation years down the track after discovering an affair.
 

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My husband and I have been married for 7 months, and together for 5 years. I just found out that my husband started an emotional affair with a much younger coworker and it became sexual. This affair started 3 weeks after our wedding and has been ongoing for the entire duration of our 7 month marriage. I am incredibly hurt, shocked, but love him and want to try and make it work. He is ashamed, and trying to put the work in by reading books, listening to podcasts, and finding a marriage counselor. He has blocked this girl from his contacts/social media etc. He has given me a true apology, and after staying at his dads house for 3 days came home and stayed in the guest bedroom. I feel very alone, and believe that he is sorry and I want to try and move on and start the healing process. I don’t want to hurt our chances of reconnecting by continuing to punish him by having him sleep elsewhere, or not hug or kiss me. But I don’t want him to think I’m forgiving him or that we have resolved any issues. I don’t want to give him an easy way out, but by prolonging punishing him I know I’m hurting myself as well. I’m a sexual person and want to have my husband there to meet my needs and have some kind of experience intimacy, I just don’t know how much how quickly is beneficial versus harmful. I want to have some kind of connection so we don’t lose the desire for each other, but I also don’t want to “reward” him after having this affair. We are on several counselor waiting lists now, but probably not able to get into an office for several more weeks. I just want to start doing the most beneficial thing that we can do now, while we await counseling.
Two things:

1) If he's still working with her then they're still sleeping together.

Rule #1 of reconciliation is ending any and all contact with the affair partner going forward.

2) He's not ashamed. He's just dancing for you right now, and odds are he's learning all he can to help him take the affair further underground. You'll find out more in the days and weeks ahead; for example, this probably wasn't his first affair.

Stay vigilant.
 

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OP may have moved on, but if you can accept your partner's misdeeds, what's the problem? He promised to never do it again. If that's acceptable to you, you don't need anyone else's approval.
 

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It is a lot. The guy is lucky she is even willing to try.
OP may have moved on, but if you can accept your partner's misdeeds, what's the problem? He promised to never do it again. If that's acceptable to you, you don't need anyone else's approval.
Very true, it always comes down to what you can personally live with.

I'm sure there's some missing backstory here. Married 7 months but dated for 5yrs. I'm all for vetting and 2-3 years wouldn't raise an eyebrow. But to date that long and cheat that soon.......something smells in Denmark. I think that's what has the comment section riled up.
 

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My husband and I have been married for 7 months, and together for 5 years. I just found out that my husband started an emotional affair with a much younger coworker and it became sexual. This affair started 3 weeks after our wedding and has been ongoing for the entire duration of our 7 month marriage. I am incredibly hurt, shocked, but love him and want to try and make it work. He is ashamed, and trying to put the work in by reading books, listening to podcasts, and finding a marriage counselor. He has blocked this girl from his contacts/social media etc. He has given me a true apology, and after staying at his dads house for 3 days came home and stayed in the guest bedroom. I feel very alone, and believe that he is sorry and I want to try and move on and start the healing process. I don’t want to hurt our chances of reconnecting by continuing to punish him by having him sleep elsewhere, or not hug or kiss me. But I don’t want him to think I’m forgiving him or that we have resolved any issues. I don’t want to give him an easy way out, but by prolonging punishing him I know I’m hurting myself as well. I’m a sexual person and want to have my husband there to meet my needs and have some kind of experience intimacy, I just don’t know how much how quickly is beneficial versus harmful. I want to have some kind of connection so we don’t lose the desire for each other, but I also don’t want to “reward” him after having this affair. We are on several counselor waiting lists now, but probably not able to get into an office for several more weeks. I just want to start doing the most beneficial thing that we can do now, while we await counseling.
@Bdar2021 so sorry you are here. You are not even married a year and your WH does this. You are young, it's a new marriage. Please run now! Go see a lawyer and divorce him. No more chances. A man who can do this when you are just newly married and in the honeymoon period will definitely do it when you are older, have kids, responsibilities, etc. Your WH is not marriage material. Please do not set yourself up for a lifetime of misery.
Your sex life is not a priority right now. Do NOT have sex with this man, (it will only be hysterical bonding). You are going through a trauma right now.
He needs to move out completely, loneliness and pain now is nothing compared to when you are in your 30s with kids, a mortgage and he does this again. GET OUT NOW!
 

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I have thought about what both of you are saying, and have already reached out to a divorce attorney. Divorce is not off the table, but I have agreed to attempt marriage counseling and try to move past this hurt. Prior to being cheated on I always said I would leave immediately, but things change. Please respect my inquiry about how to try and move on from the affair and cope with the infidelity while trying to put our best foot forward to heal as completely as we can. Please no more comments about how quickly the affair happened or how it doesn’t bode well. I already have all of these thoughts.
Do not waste your time on MC (your WH does not deserve that level of committment from you). Use the money for IC to help your navigate through this trauma and build yourself up to be a person who will never want to be in a relationship with a man (child) like your WH. Invest in yourself. Get the divorce papers and run.
 

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OP may have moved on, but if you can accept your partner's misdeeds, what's the problem? He promised to never do it again. If that's acceptable to you, you don't need anyone else's approval.
I think OP wants some advice on how to remove those pesky emotions like pain, distrust and sadness while still keeping the cheater husband.

I guess we should have referred her to one of the many snake oil fraud websites that promise a new and improved marriage and a repentant and adoring RECOVERED cheater all for the low price of $1999.99 in three equal installments. You too can have a better than ever marriage that you never dreamed possible if you just make this once in a lifetime investment! (huge smile and gleaming teeth) Easy AND painless! 👍
 

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Please respect my inquiry about how to try and move on from the affair and cope with the infidelity while trying to put our best foot forward to heal as completely as we can. Please no more comments about how quickly the affair happened or how it doesn’t bode well. I
I guess the only advice I can give at this point is to get used to it. Cheaters tend to have a high rate of recidivism.
 

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Two things:

1) If he's still working with her then they're still sleeping together.

Rule #1 of reconciliation is ending any and all contact with the affair partner going forward.

2) He's not ashamed. He's just dancing for you right now, and odds are he's learning all he can to help him take the affair further underground. You'll find out more in the days and weeks ahead; for example, this probably wasn't his first affair.

Stay vigilant.
Beat me to it.
 

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This guy is not marriage material. He has zero excuses - you just got married!!! That shows that he only thinks of himself. He is only sorry he got caught. Zero respect for you after only 3 weeks into the marriage he is off with another woman. Dump him.
 
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