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My husband and I have been married for 7 months, and together for 5 years. I just found out that my husband started an emotional affair with a much younger coworker and it became sexual. This affair started 3 weeks after our wedding and has been ongoing for the entire duration of our 7 month marriage. I am incredibly hurt, shocked, but love him and want to try and make it work. He is ashamed, and trying to put the work in by reading books, listening to podcasts, and finding a marriage counselor. He has blocked this girl from his contacts/social media etc. He has given me a true apology, and after staying at his dads house for 3 days came home and stayed in the guest bedroom. I feel very alone, and believe that he is sorry and I want to try and move on and start the healing process. I don’t want to hurt our chances of reconnecting by continuing to punish him by having him sleep elsewhere, or not hug or kiss me. But I don’t want him to think I’m forgiving him or that we have resolved any issues. I don’t want to give him an easy way out, but by prolonging punishing him I know I’m hurting myself as well. I’m a sexual person and want to have my husband there to meet my needs and have some kind of experience intimacy, I just don’t know how much how quickly is beneficial versus harmful. I want to have some kind of connection so we don’t lose the desire for each other, but I also don’t want to “reward” him after having this affair. We are on several counselor waiting lists now, but probably not able to get into an office for several more weeks. I just want to start doing the most beneficial thing that we can do now, while we await counseling.
 

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So he can't even be faithful when you have only just married? Wow. This doesn't bode at all well for the future. Far better to find a man with integrity and who keeps his promises for more than a few weeks.
 

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I have thought about what both of you are saying, and have already reached out to a divorce attorney. Divorce is not off the table, but I have agreed to attempt marriage counseling and try to move past this hurt. Prior to being cheated on I always said I would leave immediately, but things change. Please respect my inquiry about how to try and move on from the affair and cope with the infidelity while trying to put our best foot forward to heal as completely as we can. Please no more comments about how quickly the affair happened or how it doesn’t bode well. I already have all of these thoughts.
 

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My husband and I have been married for 7 months, and together for 5 years. I just found out that my husband started an emotional affair with a much younger coworker and it became sexual. This affair started 3 weeks after our wedding and has been ongoing for the entire duration of our 7 month marriage. I am incredibly hurt, shocked, but love him and want to try and make it work. He is ashamed, and trying to put the work in by reading books, listening to podcasts, and finding a marriage counselor. He has blocked this girl from his contacts/social media etc. He has given me a true apology, and after staying at his dads house for 3 days came home and stayed in the guest bedroom. I feel very alone, and believe that he is sorry and I want to try and move on and start the healing process. I don’t want to hurt our chances of reconnecting by continuing to punish him by having him sleep elsewhere, or not hug or kiss me. But I don’t want him to think I’m forgiving him or that we have resolved any issues. I don’t want to give him an easy way out, but by prolonging punishing him I know I’m hurting myself as well. I’m a sexual person and want to have my husband there to meet my needs and have some kind of experience intimacy, I just don’t know how much how quickly is beneficial versus harmful. I want to have some kind of connection so we don’t lose the desire for each other, but I also don’t want to “reward” him after having this affair. We are on several counselor waiting lists now, but probably not able to get into an office for several more weeks. I just want to start doing the most beneficial thing that we can do now, while we await counseling.
Have you explored online counselling?
 

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My husband and I have been married for 7 months, and together for 5 years. I just found out that my husband started an emotional affair with a much younger coworker and it became sexual. This affair started 3 weeks after our wedding and has been ongoing for the entire duration of our 7 month marriage. I am incredibly hurt, shocked, but love him and want to try and make it work. He is ashamed, and trying to put the work in by reading books, listening to podcasts, and finding a marriage counselor. He has blocked this girl from his contacts/social media etc. He has given me a true apology, and after staying at his dads house for 3 days came home and stayed in the guest bedroom. I feel very alone, and believe that he is sorry and I want to try and move on and start the healing process. I don’t want to hurt our chances of reconnecting by continuing to punish him by having him sleep elsewhere, or not hug or kiss me. But I don’t want him to think I’m forgiving him or that we have resolved any issues. I don’t want to give him an easy way out, but by prolonging punishing him I know I’m hurting myself as well. I’m a sexual person and want to have my husband there to meet my needs and have some kind of experience intimacy, I just don’t know how much how quickly is beneficial versus harmful. I want to have some kind of connection so we don’t lose the desire for each other, but I also don’t want to “reward” him after having this affair. We are on several counselor waiting lists now, but probably not able to get into an office for several more weeks. I just want to start doing the most beneficial thing that we can do now, while we await counseling.
Your honeymoon phase was him cheating on you. That’s not good.

What’s sad about your post... is that you phrase this as “punishment”. Creating boundaries for a person who deserves NOTHING from you isn’t punishment, it’s an appropriate reaction.

Do not go to marriage counseling. Do not have sex with him. Do not tell him you’re ready to work on your marriage. He needs to do all his own work on himself. He needs individual counseling, he needs to work on why he is a piece of garbage and can’t honor his vows for more than 3 weeks (and I doubt highly he was being a great husband those three weeks either, there had to be flirting going on). He needs to do a lot of work to understand what he’s done to YOU. And you need to do NOTHING to help him with that. No.thing. And tell me, did he quit his job or does he get to go see her every day?

You should only be concerned at this point with why you would want to stay with a guy who does this to you at the beginning of your marriage. You should see your own individual counselor and work on yourself, think about why you think you deserve this kind of husband. To even consider taking him back before he has done his own work by himself is completely foolish on your part. And the fact you are behaving like any discomfort he feels is punishment... is ludicrous. Do not have sex with the traitor!
 

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I have thought about what both of you are saying, and have already reached out to a divorce attorney. Divorce is not off the table, but I have agreed to attempt marriage counseling and try to move past this hurt. Prior to being cheated on I always said I would leave immediately, but things change. Please respect my inquiry about how to try and move on from the affair and cope with the infidelity while trying to put our best foot forward to heal as completely as we can. Please no more comments about how quickly the affair happened or how it doesn’t bode well. I already have all of these thoughts.
Most all marriage counselors do not have the right tools or mindset to deal with infidelity. Cheating has nothing to do with your marriage, it has everything to do with your husband, by himself. You both need individual counseling. He is not a safe partner for you until he gets his own help for many many months. You don’t counsel a marriage for an issue that is his alone.
 

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In the years that you were together prior to marriage, did he ever cheat?

Why would he cheat when you two were Honeymooners? That doesn't look good at all. I think he is doing damage control right now. Start dating him if you want, but don't trust that he will not do this again. Dating again by no way means exclusivity in your case and here is why:

You two should be blissfully married. You haven't even been married a year. Most problems in marriage start around year 7. The infamous 7 year itch is what it has been coined as.

Your relationship if he didn't cheat before lasted 5 years and three weeks. A marriage license didn't stop him from breaking his vows to you three weeks after he professed them.

He is not marriage material woman. That needs to sink in. I have a distinct feeling he has cheated on you before this. You were simply not aware of it. He needs to come completely clean. His behavior doesn't add up.

If you need physical release, please end this sham of a marriage and date others to get your needs met. Your so called husband has been proven unreliable, dishonorable, and completely disloyal.

Set yourself free and move on ASAP!
 

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I have thought about what both of you are saying, and have already reached out to a divorce attorney. Divorce is not off the table, but I have agreed to attempt marriage counseling and try to move past this hurt. Prior to being cheated on I always said I would leave immediately, but things change. Please respect my inquiry about how to try and move on from the affair and cope with the infidelity while trying to put our best foot forward to heal as completely as we can. Please no more comments about how quickly the affair happened or how it doesn’t bode well. I already have all of these thoughts.
You are reeling from the betrayal. You are in shock and fix it mode. This will back fire on you. You can't fix what YOU didn't break. You are the betrayed partner. The shock takes time to wear off and the ugly reality to sink in. You behavior is very normal, but it's working against you right now. We call this rug sweeping around here. It won't work dear. You will do all the heavy lifting while he gets away with a slap of the wrists.

He will disrespect you even further if you rug sweep this like if it was nothing. With his betrayal, he literally blew up an atomic bomb in the middle of you two. That is how damn toxic his infidelity is. A slap on the wrist is nonsense. He turned the love you gave him into Ground Zero!

Wake up please!
 
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I have thought about what both of you are saying, and have already reached out to a divorce attorney. Divorce is not off the table, but I have agreed to attempt marriage counseling and try to move past this hurt. Prior to being cheated on I always said I would leave immediately, but things change. Please respect my inquiry about how to try and move on from the affair and cope with the infidelity while trying to put our best foot forward to heal as completely as we can. Please no more comments about how quickly the affair happened or how it doesn’t bode well. I already have all of these thoughts.
Bdar, I don't think you've thought things through enough. Has he cheated before? You seem way too cavalier about this. Something is genuinely wrong with a person who could do this in a new marriage, you two should be all about each other right now.

If you're deadset to reconcile no matter what, well, you're a big girl. I guess we'll see you here the next time he does this. Good luck.
 

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Give him a year to make amends.

Don't let him know you have a timeline.

That is way more than fair.
 

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I am taking you at your word that you want help to "fix" this.

He has given me a true apology
How do you judge that it's a true apology?

I want to try and move on and start the healing process.
How do you believe that works?

I don’t want him to think I’m forgiving him or that we have resolved any issues.
Tell him that.

I’m a sexual person and want to have my husband there to meet my needs and have some kind of experience intimacy, I just don’t know how much how quickly is beneficial versus harmful.
This is not the important question. Don't think in terms of "punishing" him. The question is, how will you know if he has learned something? That he is now a different person?

I want to have some kind of connection so we don’t lose the desire for each other, but I also don’t want to “reward” him after having this affair.
How long ago did you find out? A few days? I suspect that you might be still in the initial shock stage, and have hardly started to process this. You need his help in processing it, if that's what you want to do. As others have said, that's your choice.

I just want to start doing the most beneficial thing that we can do now, while we await counseling.
What books are you reading?

I don't know enough about your relationship dynamics to know what will be most beneficial.
Take the focus off the question of whether to have sex or not.

Oh, and has he had an STD test?
 

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He is that Seventh Day take Advantage-ist.
 

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Eventually, you will have to get to a place of forgiveness. Sometimes it takes years and countless hours of therapy and sometimes people throw in the towel after awhile. You will probably be in the angry and hurt phase for awhile and seeing him everyday won't speed up your ability to recover any.

Assuming you don't have kids together and you still want to try and see if this can work, take children off the table for a couple years. It will take atleast that long to figure out if you have a future with him or not. I can't tell you what works, because I'm one of the ones that couldn't get past it. I can tell you what not to do. And too many people I know go down this route, unfortunately.
 

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The time to heal from infidelity is measured in years. And that is for those that can heal while still in a relationship with their betrayer. Which isn't everyone. Many find they cannot get past it, even once they've forgiven they don't forget, and leave. Reconciling from infidelity will require a lot of effort and energy. Especially as he is statistically likely to cheat again in the future when you may have assets and children involved. Do you really want to invest in a very short marriage that experienced infidelity while the state was still filing the marriage certificate?
 

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Sticking just to how you can fix things my thoughts are...

firstly, you clearly want your marriage to work so I am assuming you want to forgive him and restart your marriage. If that is what you want I really see no advantage in prolonging your pain and delaying reconciliation. I think you should have a really honest talk with him. Tell him how hurt and betrayed your are and Tell him you want to forgive him and that you need to learn to trust him and if it ever happens again that your marriage is over. You need to hear from him that he loves you and he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. If you believe him and feel his remorse then the sooner you two can get back to trying to love each other the sooner you can move forward. I really don’t know if I could forgive my wife as you appear to be able to forgive your husband (I admire you for this) but I am guessing sex is going to be quite difficult initially. You should definitely do this on your terms and I would make him wait a bit of time. If he can stay without sex then I think that would be a positive sign.

Do you know why he had an affair. I would think it unusual to have an affair so soon after getting married. I am not trying to make excuses for him but could the realism he just got married and is going to be with the same woman for the rest of his life have scared him? Maybe he has got this out of his system and is now ready to settle down? As I said I am not trying to make excuses for him but if you are hell bent of moving forward then I think you need to look at the positives and not the negatives.

best of luck with whatever you do, I hope it works out for you
 
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