[triedhard111]

I won't go into much detail, but I already read most text messages between my wife and person who she had affair with(our friend).She tells me every detail she can as well. I just feel like I need to know every single detail and it is driving me insane! I feel like there are more encounters, and "acts" that occurred than she claims. She is extremely remoursfull and has really tried to improve, but I can't get past constantly asking her. Should I stop asking? Is it even important at this point (1 month)? I can not trust her because everything I found out was found on my own by digging through backup text files, phone records, and exaggerating what I really knew, all to get her to confess. She finally admitted to having sex after a few days of this digging. She says she ONLY did everything because she felt bad for the guy. i can't believe that and i mostly ask about that. She has zero contact now. How do I move on, or am I right to keep digging for what really is just more detailed info of the big picture that I think I mostly have?
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[Danielfom]

Stop asking questions when you feel you know all you want to know.

If you still have more to know keep asking.

She needs IC.

This feeling sorry for is bullcrap from the sound of it. You don't open your legs for a guy solely because you feel sorry for him.

She needs to get to heart of why she did it.

 

[survivorwife]

I won't go into much detail, but I already read most text messages between my wife and person who she had affair with(our friend).She tells me every detail she can as well. I just feel like I need to know every single detail and it is driving me insane! I feel like there are more encounters, and "acts" that occurred than she claims. She is extremely remoursfull and has really tried to improve, but I can't get past constantly asking her. Should I stop asking? Is it even important at this point (1 month)? I can not trust her because everything I found out was found on my own by digging through backup text files, phone records, and exaggerating what I really knew, all to get her to confess. She finally admitted to having sex after a few days of this digging. She says she ONLY did everything because she felt bad for the guy. i can't believe that and i mostly ask about that. She has zero contact now. How do I move on, or am I right to keep digging for what really is just more detailed info of the big picture that I think I mostly have?
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It seems that she is spoon feeding you "trickle truth" and hasn't told you the whole truth, which YOU need to heal.

From what you said, she admits nothing until you find something out, and then her explanation is rather lame. Does she not know that you can't heal until you know the whole truth, and that the "heavy lifting" should come from her?

Until you feel that you have the full truth, you will instinctively keep digging and the only time you will be able to stop is when you feel that you have the full truth.

 

[Plan 9 from OS]

I won't go into much detail, but I already read most text messages between my wife and person who she had affair with(our friend).She tells me every detail she can as well. I just feel like I need to know every single detail and it is driving me insane! I feel like there are more encounters, and "acts" that occurred than she claims. She is extremely remoursfull and has really tried to improve, but I can't get past constantly asking her. Should I stop asking? Is it even important at this point (1 month)? I can not trust her because everything I found out was found on my own by digging through backup text files, phone records, and exaggerating what I really knew, all to get her to confess. She finally admitted to having sex after a few days of this digging. She says she ONLY did everything because she felt bad for the guy. i can't believe that and i mostly ask about that. She has zero contact now. How do I move on, or am I right to keep digging for what really is just more detailed info of the big picture that I think I mostly have?
Posted via Mobile Device

Good that you don't believe that garbage. IMO, you keep digging until you are satisfied with all of the answers. The MO seems to be that the WS will continue to minimize the details to either 1) try not to hurt you further and/or 2) minimize the shame/embarrassment that the WS feels by rehashing all of the gory details. She needs to realize that it is YOUR TURN to be given all of the attention and time needed until you are able to put this pain behind you.

 

[triedhard111]

Thank you! It drives me insane that she doesn't just give a better reason. She was drunk all the times, but not a good excuse at all because of the whole emotional relationship they had. She said she loved him over and over in text. I don't get how she can expect me to believe her that it was because she felt bad for him.
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[Danielfom]

^ Because she wants to rugsweep.

Have you exposed?

 

[Plan 9 from OS]

If you don't want to post your story, that's fine. But I would suggest that if your friend has a wife or a GF, expose everything about the affair that you know and then try to work with this other person to compare notes and gather more evidence. Even if the OM has no lady in his life, you can at least make him feel some pain by exposing him to people of importance to him.

 

[Robnovack]

You can turn it into a good thing if you have the nerve. Relationships and sex can be separated. She is looking for something you haven't given her or are holding back maybe you can explore it with her and give her what she needs you may be surprised to find out how accepting this about her can fortify your relationship and her respect for your understanding of the human condition. It can be complicated or it can be very simple. Don't let pride or ego get in the way help her have what she needs and she in turn will accept what you need.

 

[triedhard111]

Good that you don't believe that garbage. IMO, you keep digging until you are satisfied with all of the answers. The MO seems to be that the WS will continue to minimize the details to either 1) try not to hurt you further and/or 2) minimize the shame/embarrassment that the WS feels by rehashing all of the gory details. She needs to realize that it is YOUR TURN to be given all of the attention and time needed until you are able to put this pain behind you.

Your dead on about what she said. She said the reason she minimized it at first was to not hurt me. So the next day I find out the affair was 4 times longer than she said, and again she said it was to not hurt me more. Then the next day I find out they had sex, and she says she was scared I'd leave and that she was going I tell me. She went into my email and deleted am email I had that contained the backup file of text, and she denied this until I told her I was going to get it recovered through gmail support. She texted the other guy the morning after I found out to say it was only a 1 month thing and If I ask say that, and again she said it was till she could tell me everything herself. After all if this she says she is done lying and she can't see my logic that I seriously have no trust, and that she is just trying not to hurt me more.
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[triedhard111]

You can turn it into a good thing if you have the nerve. Relationships and sex can be separated. She is looking for something you haven't given her or are holding back maybe you can explore it with her and give her what she needs you may be surprised to find out how accepting this about her can fortify your relationship and her respect for your understanding of the human condition. It can be complicated or it can be very simple. Don't let pride or ego get in the way help her have what she needs and she in turn will accept what you need.

I was always the one asking and trying to do more, she would always be holding back. We were very far from a sexless marriage.

And I did expose her to her entire family within 2 days. I felt she would keep minimizing it if I did not.
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[triedhard111]

But if its to the point that I just can't get more information then do I just accept that? If she won't say anything else I can't make her. The files are gone, her phone got "lost", our computer was broken by her family member. Any physical evidence is gone.
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[sandc]

Man, there is something she really doesn't want you to find out.

Other things to do at this point:
Get an STD test
Make her get one too
Condoms until the results come back
No more drinking for her unless you are with her
See who gives polygraph tests in your area, come up with a list of yes no questions and have them ask her.
I would also suggest a pregnancy test. Something just smells fishy here.

 

[BeenHurt]

Tread carefully mate, that last thing you said is creepy. Wayyyy too many coincidences. I hate the number of 'coincidences' that come up
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[BeenHurt]

If she has nothing on you a decent divorce lawyer will be all over that, you'll be in a good court position, when it all goes horribly wrong. That's proper cruel texting him to say it was only a month. Really ****ing cruel. I wouldn't bother asking anymore questions. He's lucky he's still walking, you that must make you angry??!
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[triedhard111]

I brought up the poly earlier today, she said that that is just crazy and she doesn't know if she do it. That pretty much made me lose it.

I won't go into detail, but it's impossible for her to be pregnant.

I just feel like there is something else. Not big, just more to it. Do you guys know a way to talk her into telling me more?
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[triedhard111]

If she has nothing on you a decent divorce lawyer will be all over that, you'll be in a good court position, when it all goes horribly wrong. That's proper cruel texting him to say it was only a month. Really ****ing cruel. I wouldn't bother asking anymore questions. He's lucky he's still walking, you that must make you angry??!
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Well I may have handled the encounter wrong, but he felt my anger.
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[BeenHurt]

Are you normally this paranoid about things?
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[BeenHurt]

No you handled it right, bigger man to not resort to burying him!
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[triedhard111]

Are you normally this paranoid about things?
Posted via Mobile Device

Nope never. That's why I think it was so easy for this to happen because I never worried or thought about it. This has ruined me really, and now I am very paranoid.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[survivorwife]

But if its to the point that I just can't get more information then do I just accept that? If she won't say anything else I can't make her. The files are gone, her phone got "lost", our computer was broken by her family member. Any physical evidence is gone.
Posted via Mobile Device

Let me ask you this. Assume the worst. Now what do you do? What do you want to do? What will move your life forward if the "worst" happened?

You see, with everything (evidence) gone, you only have her word. And she lies. And she will continue to lie and deny. So, are you willing to "settle" for things as they are? Are you willing to end the marriage? Does she have a full understanding of the seriousness of all of this?