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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Like many others, this is the first time I have used a forum to post personal issues/questions but I am needing some non-biased advice.

My husband and I have been married for 14 years, together for 17. We started dating when we were teenagers and have two children, ages 16 and 13.

I separated with my husband over the weekend and am now trying to decide if we should give it another chance and try to make it work like he wants me to. Part of me does want to work things out, but the other part just feels tired and exhausted and tired of trying.

First I guess I should say that we both still love each other. We have a good sex life. There is no physical abuse and no affairs on either side. My husband doesn't want the separation, but my children do. I have no idea what I want.

Major issues:

My husband gripes about everything. You know that saying, "Pick your battles"? He doesn't know it. Sometimes it feels like he is griping at the kids from the minute he gets out of bed until the minute he goes back to bed. I fear that it isn't healthy environment for them to be in, which is why they are pro-separation. And I feel like I am always right in the middle of all the battles. My husband and oldest daughter fight all the time because of this. Their relationship has deterioted to the point where she doesn't even want to be in the same room for him.

Serious trust issues on his side. While this was a huge issue in the beginning of our marriage, things had leveled off until about a year ago when it all started surfacing again. I am not a therapist, but I assume it is because he is feeling insecure (he lost his job a few years ago and has worked at mediocre jobs where he is unhappy since then). He feels he isn't "the provider" since I now make more money, but it doesn't bother me and I never throw it up in his face.

I think our communication has deterioated to the point that we don't truly hear each other and make our assumptions about what the other is trying to say. Example: We tried to have date night last week to the movies. I had gotten dressed for work with date night in mind wearing a newer pair of dress jeans, a dressy top, my jean jacket, and dress boots. He came home to get ready and was pulling his khakkis out of the closet. I asked "Are you wearing khakis? I didn't realize we were dressing up that much... should I change?" He said, "Why what are you wearing?" I stated, "Well, I had just planned on wearing what I have on, but if you are going to dress up then I will change". He said, "No I will just wear my jeans." I took the conversation at face value and went about the night. The next morning when we had our blow up he said that he had tried to get dressed up and look nice and I said "Why are you doing that. I am not dressing up. I am just wearing my jeans". Ugh! So not what I said or meant, but typical of how our conversations go. I must confess I am equally guilty because sometimes when he is just being curious asking me questions about something I get defensive because I feel like it is the trust issues coming through and I just hear the police interrogation and not a curious husband who cares about my life.


I almost left in November (had actually found an apartment and turned in an application for it) and he begged me not to leave. Said he would do anything, he loves me, doesn't want to lose his family, has nothing without us... The "ultimatum" was that he needed to make some changes: get his GED, go to counseling, stop being negative and griping all the time. None of those things happened. In fact, he just became insanely clingy (which he had never been before).

There are days when I feel like I am completely going to lose my mind and have a nervous breakdown with all the constant drama. My work does have a good bit of stress, so when I get home I just want to cook supper, eat with my family and relax. Not referee, not argue, not explain every second of every minute of my day.

So now that I have finally hit my breaking point and moved out, he has completely blown my phone up with calls and texts about how he wants things to work, how he needs me/us, how he has nothing without us, he would do anything to get us back. If I ignore the calls then he goes into a panic thinking I am doing God only knows what and the next time I do talk to him it is 20 times worse. He begged for me to move the kids back into the house and he would leave. After 3 nights away I finally agreed, but then he didn't leave that night (had a semi-decent excuse and slept on the couch). Basically he has nowhere to go, no support system outside of us, and we don't have money for a few more weeks for either of us to afford an apartment.

I don't want to take him back unless things are really going to change, and i am really struggling with believing that things will change. Like I said earlier, part of me just wants to throw in the towel. Working out our problems is a lot of work and I feel like I have already worked too hard on this marriage and it is just too little too late from his side. I do love him and I don't want to hurt him. I worry about what will happen to him on his own since he doesn't have anyone. But I feel like I deserve the chance to be happy (this does not mean I am looking for another relationship... I can be happy by myself) and I just haven't been happy for awhile. I deserve space and privacy (not that there is some big secret I am keeping from him, but if I get off the phone with my sister I shouldn't have to share every detail of the conversation).

He starts counseling today and I have an appointment next Wednesday. I also plan to set up family counseling because even if we stay separated, the communication issues between him and the kids needs to be resolved.

Any thoughts, suggestions, advice, opinions are greatly appreciated.
 

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Do you want to help him be happy? It sounds like you do. And I'm not talking about your marriage. I'm talking about living happiness. Since he's starting counseling, that's a great start. The answers he needs are already within him, and he needs to find them. Hopefully the counselor can guide him.

In the meantime, work on your happiness. Let the relationship go where it needs to go.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Yes, I would love to help him be happy, just not sure how to do that. Actually that is what I have told him several times recently when we have argued and I try explaining that I am not happy with how things are going. He says he just wants to make me happy and I tell him that he needs to make himself happy before he can make me happy.

I am just afraid that he is going to the counselor just to appease me and that it really won't change anything. He is not a bad guy and I do love him. I just don't know if I want to keep living with him...
 

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You have to sort out your daughter first. Usually parents should stand together. Until you do there will be no peace.
 
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