[BC3]

I had a previous thread about my situation. I'll quickly recap what happened without going into major details.

My wife (6 years together, 1 year married) left me for her ex who she was with before me. This was about 2 months ago. We have signed all the D paperwork. I've paid her the money I owed her for maritial equity, and all that was left to be done to complete the D was for the judge to sign the paperwork. I'm ready to officially be done with her now after what she did to me.

In the 11th hour before the D (4 days ago) is to be final she emails me with a scanned handwritten letter. The email says the D is on hold, she took the paperwork from the judge before he signed it. She said if I want her to give it back to him she will do so but she wanted to get her feelings and wants out to me first. She works for the attorney who prepared the D paperwork which is how she was able to pull back the paperwork before it was signed.


So the handwritten letter more or less says she loves me, she's sorry for what she has done, etc... My question is this, is taking her back and giving "us" another chance a smart move? Do people change after an A? The last thing I want to happen is to give her another chance to have her do this to me again.


Taking her back would be hard on other levels besides my own emotions too. These levels actually worry me more than my own emotions. My family hates her right now for what she did. My friends do as well. Her coming back would mean she would have a heck of a lot more relationships to mend besides ours. Some of the family/friend relationships may never be able to be worked out with her and them. Also my friends and family would be disappointed in me if I ever took her back.


So with all of that being said, advice is needed and appreciated in this situation. Thank you to everyone!

 

[BC3]

Abra,

Thank you for the response. I agree, the grass isn't always greener and she realizes this. I love this woman, and probably always will at least on some level love her. I would like nothing more than to have things work out between us. I have a lot of thoughts roaming my mind right now. I'm going to make a decision in the next couple days concerning the D and where I go from here.

 

[Chris22]

I'd carry on with the D personally. It shows her you mean business.

More importantly however, I find it unlikely that if she really does love you, the divorce will make her suddenly fall out of love. If she was brave enough to stop the paperwork, she will be brave enough to approach you after the D is finished, wanting the same thing, if not more so. And as abra says, it will give the two of you more time without feeling that a dealine must be met, perhaps having the weight of a legal document joining you together lifted, could do something for the reconciliation.
Best of luck mate,

Chris.
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[BC3]

Thanks for the response Chris22. Certainly this is a complicated time for me in my life. I just wish I could see the future and know what the right move is.

 

[Jellybeans]

It can work but ONLY if she has completely cut off contact with the ex (completely and forever) and if BOTH of you are committed to working on the relationship. It takes two.

 

[Chris22]

Yeah man, that's just what I would do. Relationships are hard when they break down, and thinking of my own situation, I wish my wife wanted me back. I'm sure whatever choice you make will be the right one as long as you think it through.
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[Eternal Embrace]

It can work but ONLY if she has completely cut off contact with the ex (completely and forever) and if BOTH of you are committed to working on the relationship. It takes two.

I second Jellybeans and would like to add that before you possibly R with her that she should prove to you consistently for a very extended period of time that she has changed and that you and your relationship together are her top priority.

Good luck.

 

[BC3]

Thanks everyone for the input. I'm leaning strongly towards giving R a chance. Why not? Well it could set me back in my healing if it doesn't work...I realize that. Also family/friends would be upset, but this is my life and my choice. I committed to work through things for better or for worse. I'm willing to give R a chance.


Now my thoughts are this. In order for R to work she is going to (IMO it goes without saying) cut off ties to the OM forever. She is going to have to attend MC with me and perhaps IC as well. I want her to apologize to my friends/family as well without me having to ask her to do this. I don't know if she would do that or not...but I think it's the right thing to do. If she doesn't seem to lean towards this I may ask her to do so. What's everyone's thoughts on this?

 

[In_The_Wind]

Thanks everyone for the input. I'm leaning strongly towards giving R a chance. Why not? Well it could set me back in my healing if it doesn't work...I realize that. Also family/friends would be upset, but this is my life and my choice. I committed to work through things for better or for worse. I'm willing to give R a chance.


Now my thoughts are this. In order for R to work she is going to (IMO it goes without saying) cut off ties to the OM forever. She is going to have to attend MC with me and perhaps IC as well. I want her to apologize to my friends/family as well without me having to ask her to do this. I don't know if she would do that or not...but I think it's the right thing to do. If she doesn't seem to lean towards this I may ask her to do so. What's everyone's thoughts on this?

You should also have her draw up a non contact letter that you will read and approve and mail not her. along with everything else to answer your question who knows it can go either way It just depends on her willingness to do the heavy lifting as this was her deal not yours. You can always put the D on hold for the time being and proceed slowly also is this truly what you want ?? I believe in giving folks second chances however fool me once its on you fool me twice its me If she is truly sorry and wants to work on the M then try it out if you cant handle it then proceed with the d

Good Luck

 

[Jellybeans]

Now my thoughts are this. In order for R to work she is going to (IMO it goes without saying) cut off ties to the OM forever. She is going to have to attend MC with me and perhaps IC as well.

These are good. But she should have ended contact with him already. If not, she needs to do it STAT. Don't even consider reconciliation unless she has completey cut off all c ontact with him. Let her know that. MC and IC are good. Get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" - The 5 Love Languages - and Love Must Be Tough.

You tell her "Wife I am receptive to restoring our marriage, but only if you have ended all contact with OM and are equally as committed to the marriage as I am. I iwll not entertain reconciliation at all if you are still in touch with him. A marriage only works when two people are in it."

See what she says. If she bites, then tell her you want proof/to know she ended all contact and then tell her you want to do MC/IC and those books, etc.

 

[BC3]

Thanks In The Wind and Jellybeans. Very good points and I agree with both of you. I'm going to have a face to face with her soon.

 

[Thor]

Post nup. Iron clad and approved by your lawyer. She gets nothing in a future divorce. No spousal support, no house, no part of your retirement, nothing. If there are kids you get at least 50% physical custody, more if you want it.

But to be honest I would just walk away from her at this point. She has shown what she is capable of, and there will always be the specter of her straying again some day.

 

[HiRoad]

BC3 - Do you all have children? If so then, you may want to consider. If not, the ball is in you court, i agree with Aba you may want to go through with the D. This will serve 2 purposes

1. She will see that she has lost you and will begin to pursue you. Remember there are 2 divorces going on here, the emotional and the written word. You can always re-marry you STBX.

2. This shows here how independent and happy you are w/o her. This will drive her crazy. Women are typically better at this than men. It will make her curious as all heck.

The more you show how happy and confident you are the more it will attract her to you. She thought the grass was greener, now she realizes that she should have water the grass in her yard (you) before neglecting it and eventually leaving. Give her little hints that you are still interested but you are on the fence.

Good luck.

 

[BC3]

There are no children involved luckily...that would make things a lot tougher. I sent her this email a moment ago...I'm awaiting her response.

I am ready to talk when you are ready. I have a wide open schedule and can arrange to meet you whenever and wherever is convenient for you. I think it goes without saying that things must end once and for all with your ex to begin to make things work out. Just let me know when you are ready.

 

[HiRoad]

Thats good, just dont be to eager, this may backfire and she will feel that she always has you on the back burner. You may want to make feel that you are unsure. If you do talk to her or meet her make it short, keep it light, and try to avoid talking about the past for now.

Show her how good you feel and how happy you are. I know its tuff, but you have to do this. She will respect you for doing so.

 

[how was your day?]

do the 180, give her space, don't contact her anymore unless its for finances/businesslike

in 2 days i will have been no contact for 1 week, each day seems easier, when i see her, it feels like a step backwards, i'm letting her make her decisions on her own, i gave her half the money in our joint bank account, and we each opened our own, i took all of her stuff out of my house, changed my ringtones, and made the bedroom 'my own'

these small steps have helped me put her behind me, because that's what she wanted, who am i to try to control anything she does, my wife at the very least is having an EA. we were together 10 years, married for 6

i don't have have any children so my situation is less complicated than many others around here, the first week(s) were the hardest for me, slowly i am building my life back, for me....

one of my greatest fears (fantasys?) is her running back to me saying how bad she messed up, blah blah blah, i don't think i can take her back this time, i don't think i can forgive her for what she has put me, and my family through, our marriage wasn't perfect, i have my faults, no cheating/abuse coming from my end, i always tried to give her whatever she wanted, new iphones, watches, material stuff...

this has been very hard, but these forums help, take care my friend, hope everything works out for you for the best

next time if you do happen to talk to her, even though it will be hard, keep calm, stay above 50,000 ft, look at the situation below, wish her the best and tell her you hope everything works out for her, and then go silent, don't reply to her messages, don't send emails, don't call, nothing, she left you behind, now its time to return the favor and focus on you, just like she is doing for herself, one day she will wake up, and realize how bad she ****ed up

 

[Thor]

Don't be so available to her. Your email is weak and desperate in appearance, rather than helpful or gracious as you might have wanted it to be.

I think my attitude would be along the lines of, "Hey I like the idea of being with you, and I do care about you. But your actions have been very destructive to our marriage and I am not sure I wouldn't be a lot happier just putting all of this behind me. It would be easier and less risky to just finalize the paperwork. Convince me why it is worth my effort to gamble on you again."

 

[how was your day?]

Don't be so available to her. Your email is weak and desperate in appearance, rather than helpful or gracious as you might have wanted it to be.

I think my attitude would be along the lines of, "Hey I like the idea of being with you, and I do care about you. But your actions have been very destructive to our marriage and I am not sure I wouldn't be a lot happier just putting all of this behind me. It would be easier and less risky to just finalize the paperwork. Convince me why it is worth my effort to gamble on you again."

awesome, i may end up using that one day, im still sticking with nocontact tho, i need to show her a life without me, and that won't happen if im trying to contact her often

 

[daisygirl 41]

I had my H back after seperation. But he had already ended it with the OW.
Has she ended it? Maybe he ended it? Would that make a difference to you?
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[tom67]

Thats good, just dont be to eager, this may backfire and she will feel that she always has you on the back burner. You may want to make feel that you are unsure. If you do talk to her or meet her make it short, keep it light, and try to avoid talking about the past for now.

Show her how good you feel and how happy you are. I know its tuff, but you have to do this. She will respect you for doing so.

Say you are willing to listen to her but you have not made your mind up one way or the other and nc is a must!Don't give her an answer right away you will think about it.