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last weekend my H went hunting and the next morning he woke up sick, fever, chills, etc. anyway i had to go pick up our children from my mothers house and while i was waiting for them to get their things together i was looking on my FB and noticed he has posted that he was sick and wanted it to go away, when i started to write a comment there was a comment from a woman he works with asking if he had the flu, while typing my comment i got a phone call and was kicked off the site, so when i returned to his post not even 5 min later her comment was gone, that made me suspicous. so i looked up her profile and seen that she works with him, and it had her phone number listed in her contact info. i wrote it down and decided i needed to look into it more. i asked him when i got home who she was he told me it was just a woman at his work who was friends with his boss. the next day when i got to work i looked up our phone bill online, and there it was 68 phone calls between them this month alone. any where from 30 minutes to an hour and always on his commute to and from work. (he has an hour drive) so when i got home the next morning i checked it again, they had three more phone calls that morning before work, after he called me. i called him and asked if he would call and make sure i was up early because i had some things to do, of course he asked what it was and i wouldnt tell him. he kept on and on asking and i repeated everytime i just have some things to do you will find out later. i went to sleep (i work third shift) and a few hours later i woke up to him coming in our room, he had left work early, said he felt worse and was running a fever, so i went back to sleep and he woke me up at the time i requested. again he asked what i was going to do and i told him i couldnt do it now cause he was home. boy was he paranoid. i got out my computer and told him my phone was acting up and i was going to log on to the website to see if they had anything posted about it before i called into IT, (which was the truth but had other agendas in mind also) when i got logged on, i pulled up the troubleshooting page and found nothing which i told him, then i pulled up our usage page, i asked him who he was talking to so much in this certain town and read off the phone number, of course he told me it was his boss, lie #1, so i played it off and said they needed to pay our phone bill if he was going to use it for work all the time. from that moment on it was I love you baby and your the greatest wife, blah blah blah. later in the afternoon he gave me a big hug and said "dont ever leave me, im sorry for being an a$$hole" so i told him not to give me a reason to leave him and i wouldnt and asked when he had been an a$$, he said i had been acting wierd the last couple of days and thought it was because of him. going against my better judgement i told him i knew it wasnt his boss he was talking to and wanted to know why he lied to me and asked what was going on... gues what they are just friends, nothing is going on, he can talk to her about things he cant talk to me about, and he lied because he knew i knew who it was already. i didnt see the big S on my head but i guess he saw it cause he thought i was stupid. i did not blow up, i did not loose my cool, because we have been down this road before but last time i just forgave him, took his word it wouldnt happen again and now here we are again a year later. i let him say what he wanted, i listened, and then i didnt bring it back up. when something is important i have to write him a letter or send him an email so he will read it, see it, and understand it vs. me talking and him not hearing what i am saying. that night at work, on my lunch break, i wrote out his email, i told him that i was not a perfect wife but i deserved better, i told him to look at it from my view point and ask himself if it was me talking to another man that much would he see it as just a friendship, i said i was over it, and i wanted him to think about our marriage until this weekend and ask himself why he had to go to another woman for emotional support instead of coming to me, i then copied an article about EA's that i found on line and told him this weekend i wanted everything laid out on the table, the raw naked truth about everything and i would tell him then if i wanted to stay and work things out or if i was leaving. then i proceeded to send an email to her asking what was so important that my husband was exchaning 68 phone calls with her. (im sorry this is so long) that morning's phone call was so different, he knew i meant business because the D word has never been spoken in our marriage. he said he was sorry, he didnt know why he couldnt talk to me about things and that he did cross the line, i stopped him and said we would discuss everything this weekend. that morning she replied to my email saying they were just friends, they just vented to each other, her husbad cheated on her and she would never do that to anyone, and if i wanted to talk to her i could call her. fast forward to yesterday, my H came home and said we needed to talk, we went into our room to get away from the kids, he sat me down and said he couldnt wait until this weekend we needed to talk then, i have never seen my husband cry before yesterday, he told me he was so sorry, he did not see what he was doing as cheating until yesterday when he spoke to his dad (a rev.) he said he sent her an email saying their friendship was causing problems in his marriage and that he could not talk to her anymore, he told her the only contact they needed to have was to be work related but all emails needed to have his boss included on them, if it required a meeting someone else needed to be present, and nothing more. he showed me the email (which he had his boss included on) and her response which was im sorry to loose a friend but i understand. he said he wanted us to go to counseling because the kids and i were his world and he didnt want to loose us, he would do anything to keep our family together. i told him he didnt need to have any contact with her period outside of business related issues (which there is no way to avoid) and he agreed. He got on his fb account, deleted and blocked her, deleted her number from his phone, and said whatever it took he would do. do i believe him, yes, do i trust him, not on his life, and i havent decided if i am going to stay or not. but here is the kicker, tonight i get an email from the OW which read " i told you we were just friends nothing more. hacking his fb, deleting and blocking me served zero purpose other than to piss him off at you. all it did was show him that you dont trust what he sais or what he does. we work together. we are going to have contact, if for no other reason that for work related issues. fb is inconsequential. im sure you didnt want it, but there's my two cents." so that makes it obvious to me that this was in fact an EA because if after he told her he could not have anymore contact with her and he deleted her on his fb, a. why would that piss her off as much as it did and B. why would she think i did it. i did reply back to her, stating it was not me that deleted her, and so so much more, so after all of this, here is my question, i know this will not be the last of her, apparently their "friendship"/EA ment more to her than it did him or she wouldnt have a problem with this. i have thought about it and i am giving our marriage three months, counseling is a must, honesty is a must, faithfulness is always a must, and one just one mistake will end it all, so how do we get her to go away and leave us alone. i am only willing to try because of our kids, if we can get through this and have a stronger marriage hey good for us, if it doesnt work out, at least we can tell them we tried. but she has no dog in this race and needs to step aside. any thoughts or advice is appreciated.
 

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Seems obvious to me that if it wasn't a PA yet, that she fully intended it to go that way. In other words this chick has her sights set on your husband.

Be watchful of his actions in the coming days/weeks and listen to your gut. If something seems off, follow up on it. Watch for his schedule changing too.
 

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last weekend my H went hunting and the next morning he woke up sick, fever, chills, etc. anyway i had to go pick up our children from my mothers house and while i was waiting for them to get their things together i was looking on my FB and noticed he has posted that he was sick and wanted it to go away, when i started to write a comment there was a comment from a woman he works with asking if he had the flu, while typing my comment i got a phone call and was kicked off the site, so when i returned to his post not even 5 min later her comment was gone, that made me suspicous. so i looked up her profile and seen that she works with him, and it had her phone number listed in her contact info. i wrote it down and decided i needed to look into it more. i asked him when i got home who she was he told me it was just a woman at his work who was friends with his boss. the next day when i got to work i looked up our phone bill online, and there it was 68 phone calls between them this month alone. any where from 30 minutes to an hour and always on his commute to and from work. (he has an hour drive) so when i got home the next morning i checked it again, they had three more phone calls that morning before work, after he called me. i called him and asked if he would call and make sure i was up early because i had some things to do, of course he asked what it was and i wouldnt tell him. he kept on and on asking and i repeated everytime i just have some things to do you will find out later. i went to sleep (i work third shift) and a few hours later i woke up to him coming in our room, he had left work early, said he felt worse and was running a fever, so i went back to sleep and he woke me up at the time i requested. again he asked what i was going to do and i told him i couldnt do it now cause he was home. boy was he paranoid. i got out my computer and told him my phone was acting up and i was going to log on to the website to see if they had anything posted about it before i called into IT, (which was the truth but had other agendas in mind also) when i got logged on, i pulled up the troubleshooting page and found nothing which i told him, then i pulled up our usage page, i asked him who he was talking to so much in this certain town and read off the phone number, of course he told me it was his boss, lie #1, so i played it off and said they needed to pay our phone bill if he was going to use it for work all the time. from that moment on it was I love you baby and your the greatest wife, blah blah blah. later in the afternoon he gave me a big hug and said "dont ever leave me, im sorry for being an a$$hole" so i told him not to give me a reason to leave him and i wouldnt and asked when he had been an a$$, he said i had been acting wierd the last couple of days and thought it was because of him. going against my better judgement i told him i knew it wasnt his boss he was talking to and wanted to know why he lied to me and asked what was going on... gues what they are just friends, nothing is going on, he can talk to her about things he cant talk to me about, and he lied because he knew i knew who it was already. i didnt see the big S on my head but i guess he saw it cause he thought i was stupid. i did not blow up, i did not loose my cool, because we have been down this road before but last time i just forgave him, took his word it wouldnt happen again and now here we are again a year later. i let him say what he wanted, i listened, and then i didnt bring it back up. when something is important i have to write him a letter or send him an email so he will read it, see it, and understand it vs. me talking and him not hearing what i am saying. that night at work, on my lunch break, i wrote out his email, i told him that i was not a perfect wife but i deserved better, i told him to look at it from my view point and ask himself if it was me talking to another man that much would he see it as just a friendship, i said i was over it, and i wanted him to think about our marriage until this weekend and ask himself why he had to go to another woman for emotional support instead of coming to me, i then copied an article about EA's that i found on line and told him this weekend i wanted everything laid out on the table, the raw naked truth about everything and i would tell him then if i wanted to stay and work things out or if i was leaving. then i proceeded to send an email to her asking what was so important that my husband was exchaning 68 phone calls with her. (im sorry this is so long) that morning's phone call was so different, he knew i meant business because the D word has never been spoken in our marriage. he said he was sorry, he didnt know why he couldnt talk to me about things and that he did cross the line, i stopped him and said we would discuss everything this weekend. that morning she replied to my email saying they were just friends, they just vented to each other, her husbad cheated on her and she would never do that to anyone, and if i wanted to talk to her i could call her. fast forward to yesterday, my H came home and said we needed to talk, we went into our room to get away from the kids, he sat me down and said he couldnt wait until this weekend we needed to talk then, i have never seen my husband cry before yesterday, he told me he was so sorry, he did not see what he was doing as cheating until yesterday when he spoke to his dad (a rev.) he said he sent her an email saying their friendship was causing problems in his marriage and that he could not talk to her anymore, he told her the only contact they needed to have was to be work related but all emails needed to have his boss included on them, if it required a meeting someone else needed to be present, and nothing more. he showed me the email (which he had his boss included on) and her response which was im sorry to loose a friend but i understand. he said he wanted us to go to counseling because the kids and i were his world and he didnt want to loose us, he would do anything to keep our family together. i told him he didnt need to have any contact with her period outside of business related issues (which there is no way to avoid) and he agreed. He got on his fb account, deleted and blocked her, deleted her number from his phone, and said whatever it took he would do. do i believe him, yes, do i trust him, not on his life, and i havent decided if i am going to stay or not. but here is the kicker, tonight i get an email from the OW which read " i told you we were just friends nothing more. hacking his fb, deleting and blocking me served zero purpose other than to piss him off at you. all it did was show him that you dont trust what he sais or what he does. we work together. we are going to have contact, if for no other reason that for work related issues. fb is inconsequential. im sure you didnt want it, but there's my two cents." so that makes it obvious to me that this was in fact an EA because if after he told her he could not have anymore contact with her and he deleted her on his fb, a. why would that piss her off as much as it did and B. why would she think i did it. i did reply back to her, stating it was not me that deleted her, and so so much more, so after all of this, here is my question, i know this will not be the last of her, apparently their "friendship"/EA ment more to her than it did him or she wouldnt have a problem with this. i have thought about it and i am giving our marriage three months, counseling is a must, honesty is a must, faithfulness is always a must, and one just one mistake will end it all, so how do we get her to go away and leave us alone. i am only willing to try because of our kids, if we can get through this and have a stronger marriage hey good for us, if it doesnt work out, at least we can tell them we tried. but she has no dog in this race and needs to step aside. any thoughts or advice is appreciated.
You could forward her email to his boss with a request that he/she have a talk with her. She is sticking her nose in your marriage and saying negative things to your husband about you. Your marriage is none of her business. A lot of jobs will fire workers for things like this.
 

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You could forward her email to his boss with a request that he/she have a talk with her. She is sticking her nose in your marriage and saying negative things to your husband about you. Your marriage is none of her business. A lot of jobs will fire workers for things like this.
Strongly agree. This woman is psychotic, one who can't take a hint or let go...Does not know her "place", bold, daring. I can't imagine the life of hell your husband would eventually have with her if he indeed continues down that road with her. You should take the actions mentioned above or your husband needs to find another job asap. The restraining order is also a good idea. She needs to know she is an uninvited stranger in your marriage and she is "kicked out".
 

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Strongly agree. This woman is psychotic, one who can't take a hint or let go...Does not know her "place", bold, daring. I can't imagine the life of hell your husband would eventually have with her if he indeed continues down that road with her. You should take the actions mentioned above or your husband needs to find another job asap. The restraining order is also a good idea. She needs to know she is an uninvited stranger in your marriage and she is "kicked out".
I believe the first thing you need to do is be 100 percent sure your husband has gone no contact. You said you don't trust him nor should you right now. You said they talked while he was traveling to or from work. Hide a voice activated recorder in the car, monitor it for a week or so. Once you are certain he isn't in contact with her other then the agreed apon reasons like work then if she continues to stir up trouble then you may need to speak with their employer. Keep in mind it could cost them both their jobs and in today's market it may be difficult to find other work. You may need to be patient in order to get the info you need to move forward.
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I believe the first thing you need to do is be 100 percent sure your husband has gone no contact. You said you don't trust him nor should you right now. You said they talked while he was traveling to or from work. Hide a voice activated recorder in the car, monitor it for a week or so. Once you are certain he isn't in contact with her other then the agreed apon reasons like work then if she continues to stir up trouble then you may need to speak with their employer. Keep in mind it could cost them both their jobs and in today's market it may be difficult to find other work. You may need to be patient in order to get the info you need to move forward.
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The point is the OW has crossed her boundary showing irresponsibility. She is not hiding who she is or what she wants and is channelling anger to the wife. She needs to be put in her place. Since the economy is so tough, they should have thought about that before they mixed work with play. He needs to get therapy, put her in her place INFRONT of his wife and find another job.
 

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I am only willing to try because of our kids, if we can get through this and have a stronger marriage hey good for us, if it doesn't work out, at least we can tell them we tried.
Is this truly the only reason you're willing to try to save your marriage?

Regarding the OW, I would advise that you make no more personal contact with her, don't respond to anything she sends you.

You don't need to try to control some other woman's actions right now, you need to focus your energy on your husband; he's the only one who's accountable to you.

Ignore that woman.

T
 

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Your instincts about all of this sound really good. You gathered information, confronted your H very directly, and have a plan. I would agree to just ignore any further contact from the OW. Monitor your H, but don't engage personally with her.
 

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If you use a VAR in his car, make sure you use heavy duty Velco (with adhesive backing) to secure the VAR to a hidden surface in the car.

You might also consider installing a keystroke tracker on the computer he uses.

I would not get his boss involved yet because him losing his job could seriously damage you and your children.

Find out who her husband is and his contact info. If she contacts you again, send all her emails to you and her phone call history to her husband.. make sure that she does not intercept them... find a way to do this... like send it to his work.

Hopefully her husband will help put a stop to her harrassing you. And perhaps she will be so busy trying to fix things with her husband that she will leave you two alone.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
thanks for all the responses, I do believe my H thinks he see's a big "S" on my forehead and thinks im stupid (oh he will so find out differently soon) his text msgs have gone up dramatically over the past week, i got the letter from our phone company today to fill out to get the text report for his phone, i could be wrong but i dont think so. and there has been no further contact from her so not sure if he said something to her or what so we will see
 

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When you ask does your H seem remorseful, I was going to say yes. And in fact I still would. He does seem remorseful. He has voluntarily gone to his father for advice...this is big imo. And he has voluntarily done much to amend for his stupidity.

But...people who have affairs are cowards. And I assume he is one too. As soon as I read what she said she wrote in her email, that is odd. Why would she make an assumption like that? Because it is not an assumption? Is that what your husband told her so he didn't have to make the awkward and difficult and 'mean' conversation that says 'I blocked you because I want nothing to do with you on that level'? This makes perfect sense, this slots all in to place. If he said that you did it, it makes it much easier. And that would explain her anger at you, no matter how unjustified it is. People in affairs don't put the H/W in a good light, they complain how unhappy they are and how it is the fault of the H/W. If he has been talking as much as you say, on a personal level, I would guess there was much talk of the state of his marriage also. And so telling her 'why' she is blocked would feed this picture.

I don't want to put a spanner in the works, or make you think something awful about your husband when he seems to be really making good positive effort and doing the right things, but it really is the only reason I could think that someone would say/do that, that she was fed that thought/idea. However, some people are just plain selfish and mean, and making this assumption, if she made the assumption, made it up in her own head, may well have been a reason for her to express her anger at you, because you are the reason she lost her friend. She made it up so it can fit her view of you and feed and justify her anger at you.

Did you tell your husband about the email? What was his reaction?
 
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When you ask does your H seem remorseful, I was going to say yes. And in fact I still would. He does seem remorseful. He has voluntarily gone to his father for advice...this is big imo. And he has voluntarily done much to amend for his stupidity.

But...people who have affairs are cowards. And I assume he is one too. As soon as I read what she said she wrote in her email, that is odd. Why would she make an assumption like that? Because it is not an assumption? Is that what your husband told her so he didn't have to make the awkward and difficult and 'mean' conversation that says 'I blocked you because I want nothing to do with you on that level'? This makes perfect sense, this slots all in to place. If he said that you did it, it makes it much easier. And that would explain her anger at you, no matter how unjustified it is. People in affairs don't put the H/W in a good light, they complain how unhappy they are and how it is the fault of the H/W. If he has been talking as much as you say, on a personal level, I would guess there was much talk of the state of his marriage also. And so telling her 'why' she is blocked would feed this picture.

I don't want to put a spanner in the works, or make you think something awful about your husband when he seems to be really making good positive effort and doing the right things, but it really is the only reason I could think that someone would say/do that, that she was fed that thought/idea. However, some people are just plain selfish and mean, and making this assumption, if she made the assumption, made it up in her own head, may well have been a reason for her to express her anger at you, because you are the reason she lost her friend. She made it up so it can fit her view of you and feed and justify her anger at you.

Did you tell your husband about the email? What was his reaction?
I had the exact same thought...that he told her you did it to exonerate himself. There's more to this story....

But his self-exposure to his father IS a good thing. At first I thought it might have been their game plan to bring it underground but OWs reaction doesn't fit that scenario. Her reaction would explain him trying to keep himself in a "better" light with everyone.

VAR in the car!
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You could forward her email to his boss with a request that he/she have a talk with her. She is sticking her nose in your marriage and saying negative things to your husband about you. Your marriage is none of her business. A lot of jobs will fire workers for things like this.

I would not have responded to her. As they say in the Miranda, everything you say can and will be used against in the court of law.......

Yes, have a conversation with this woman's boss and forward that e-mail to that boss. This is making me wonder if this is set up for Fatal Attraction.
 
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