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Discussion Starter #21
So one thought is just this: you married a police officer and became a police wife. Part of OUR duty is to accept THEIR duty. They are who they are!
I some what get where you are coming with this, but I do not agree. We were together long before he was in law enforcement and it is ridiculous to think you can blame lack of emotion or connection on your job. While I do give him more grace, he still is accountable for staying checked in. I hate this police wife stigma that we should feel guilt for still having expectations within reason for our spouses. Your response is pretty assumptious of what my profession is (I am also encountering patients and trauma) and what I expect from him.

I hands down do not agree with “you knew what you signed up for”, because no one can know. In addition to the fact that we have been together for nearly ten years, it’s a pretty intense shift. I think people underestimate the sense of authority that goes to their head as well early in their career. That is a whole other can of worms we currently are working on, which is his inability to communicate with respect

We have done the love languages book but that could be a nice refresher. His love language is words of affirmation and gifts where mine is quality time and physics touch. Exact opposites!

I do appreciate the response. I think we have fundamental differences on the amount of effort we expect as far as maintaining a marriage, and there comes a point where both parties need to try to meet each other in the middle. There’s a fine line between making excusing and giving grace.
 

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I some what get where you are coming with this, but I do not agree. We were together long before he was in law enforcement and it is ridiculous to think you can blame lack of emotion or connection on your job. While I do give him more grace, he still is accountable for staying checked in. I hate this police wife stigma that we should feel guilt for still having expectations within reason for our spouses. Your response is pretty assumptious of what my profession is (I am also encountering patients and trauma) and what I expect from him.

I hands down do not agree with “you knew what you signed up for”, because no one can know. In addition to the fact that we have been together for nearly ten years, it’s a pretty intense shift. I think people underestimate the sense of authority that goes to their head as well early in their career. That is a whole other can of worms we currently are working on, which is his inability to communicate with respect

We have done the love languages book but that could be a nice refresher. His love language is words of affirmation and gifts where mine is quality time and physics touch. Exact opposites!

I do appreciate the response. I think we have fundamental differences on the amount of effort we expect as far as maintaining a marriage, and there comes a point where both parties need to try to meet each other in the middle. There’s a fine line between making excusing and giving grace.
I was going to respond to Tiredandconfused post similarly but you said it better than I would have.

I have also spent almost 4 decades in a public safety role and paid my dues on the night shift.

Yes all of it does present special challenges that the common person does not face -

- but that doesn’t mean you have to endure it forever. You still have a choice and you still have the right to live your life as you see best for you.

If he ain’t cut’n the mustard, he ain’t cut’n the mustard regardless of his occupation.

Police officers are not entitled to have indentured wives that must endure dissatisfaction for the rest of their lives just because their husbands wear a badge.
 

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Discussion Starter #23
I was going to respond to Tiredandconfused post similarly but you said it better than I would have.

I have also spent almost 4 decades in a public safety role and paid my dues on the night shift.

Yes all of it does present special challenges that the common person does not face -

- but that doesn’t mean you have to endure it forever. You still have a choice and you still have the right to live your life as you see best for you.

If he ain’t cut’n the mustard, he ain’t cut’n the mustard regardless of his occupation.

Police officers are not entitled to have indentured wives that must endure dissatisfaction for the rest of their lives just because their husbands wear a badge.
Thank you! I felt like I was coming off like a bitter old hag, but I do not believe using your job as a reason for your shortcomings is a valid excuse. Everyone is entitled to a bad day, but that shouldn’t be the norm. That is is very much being a martyr.

But happy update! While physical affection is not on the up and up, he has made a point to set aside quality time for us. We had 45 minutes of a show we both like with some wine while the baby slept. I’d take that as a win! While I always would like some intimacy, this is also wonderful and exactly what I need.
 

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Discussion Starter #24
Sorry - to add onto that I fully agree police wives should not be forced to endure being of “the badge”. It’s ridiculous. Again, everyone is entitled to a bad day but you are still obligated to be present in your marriage. If you can’t, then maybe this isn’t the career for you. My husband does try so this certainly isn’t a snipe at him, but I pity wives who think they owe their husbands all the sacrifice in the world without fighting for their happiness whatsoever. Maybe this is why the divorce rate is nearly 70% in law enforcement!l??

Speak up if you are unhappy.
 

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Sorry - to add onto that I fully agree police wives should not be forced to endure being of “the badge”. It’s ridiculous. Again, everyone is entitled to a bad day but you are still obligated to be present in your marriage. If you can’t, then maybe this isn’t the career for you.
Or maybe it isn’t the marriage for you (or maybe not for either of you).
 

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Discussion Starter #26
Or maybe it isn’t the marriage for you (or maybe not for either of you).
I am willing to work at it as LONG as he reciprocates the effort. I’ve been happily surprised over the last few days by his willingness to meet me in the middle, especially after the realization that I am muddying the waters when it comes to sex vs. connection in the marriage. I can handle less sex so long as I still feel connected.
 

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When you're wasting your one life being miserable.
 

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”When is marriage past saving?”

It’s probably the same as in any relationship, married or not. For me, it’s when contempt enters the picture. Or when you hate the sound of their voice and cringe when you think they’re going to try to touch you or have sex with you. Or when they won’t have sex with you, leaving you to have to make some hard decisions.

Contempt; ”When we communicate with contempt, we are truly mean. Treating others with disrespect and mocking them with sarcasm and condescension are forms of contempt. So are hostile humor, name-calling, mimicking, and body language such as eye-rolling and sneering. In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust and superiority, especially moral, ethical, or characterological.”

I find that when I feel contempt for a person, it’s only after I’ve exhausted all avenues of trying to make it work. They cause the problem and then try to play the victim. **** um and the horse they rode in on. ✌
 
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