When is enough enough?

5025 Views 49 Replies 18 Participants Last post by alte Dame, Dec 18, 2012

keepmyfamily

Discussion Starter · Dec 5, 2012

At what point do you say "this isn't worth it?"

I know the answer is different for everyone. But, man oh man. I've driving myself crazy and I just don't think it's worth it.

I keep finding "clues", on top of my deep gut feeling that he is having at least an EA and possibly was an PA.

He is treating me like crap and denies everything. "You're crazy", "we're JUST friends" and "I don't love you anymore" are among his favorites to tell me.

When I search for signs of re-writting marriage, cheating and walk away spouse syndrome- he fits them to a T.

He suggested MC and we are doing it. But, keeps telling me it doesn't matter because he doesn't care. He's, also, depressed and I think it's guilt that's eating him alive. When I look back at the timeline, he became condescending, rude, belittling and depressed right after she transferred out of state. It's like he was home and nice still because he was still on a high from seeing her. When I asked him to cut off contact, it turned into a no way, she's my friend, you're controlling, I need my space/privacy and (the best) YES, her friendship is worth our marriage. And, last night on FB, she posted something along the lines of "If you love 2 people, always pick the second. Because if you really loved the first, you wouldn't have fallen for the second."

He later says he says these things out of anger and really doesn't mean them.

But, seriously, what do you do without concrete proof? Is this concrete proof? What do you do when one week he says he's in and the next he's out.

It's not easy to call it quits when you're going to devastate 4 little people's lives.

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TCSRedhead

· #2 · Dec 5, 2012

Even without concrete proof, what do you really have in this marriage? A man who disrespects you, belittles you and says he doesn't love you.

What are you holding on to? Do you think that is a good example for those kids?

Reactions: 4

DavidWYoung

· #3 · Dec 5, 2012

Your life is too short on this earth to play this game. End the marriage, fix yourself and start to love yourself. Find someone that makes you very happy to wake up every morning. Repeat.

Reactions: 1

keepmyfamily

Discussion Starter · #4 · Dec 5, 2012

You hit the nail on the head!

It's just hard to call it quits over 3 months of hell. Before this, there weren't problems. He had NEVER treated me like this during our 9 years.

I will continue to go to MC and if things continue to stay the same and aren't looking better within a couple months, then I know I did my best. Besides, for the kids, I want to know I did everything I could possibly do- so I can walk away with my head held high.

TCSRedhead

· #5 · Dec 5, 2012

keepmyfamily said:
You hit the nail on the head!

It's just hard to call it quits over 3 months of hell. Before this, there weren't problems. He had NEVER treated me like this during our 9 years.

I will continue to go to MC and if things continue to stay the same and aren't looking better within a couple months, then I know I did my best. Besides, for the kids, I want to know I did everything I could possibly do- so I can walk away with my head held high.

I can understand wanting to try your best. Have you explained to him that if he doesn't become an active participant and straighten up that he stands to lose you and his family? He may be taking the stance that you're allowing this and will indefinitely.

keepmyfamily

Discussion Starter · #6 · Dec 5, 2012

He knows and most of the time doesn't care. He's set to move on and live the life that me and the kids "took" from him.

The only time that I was talking to "him" was the Sunday after Thanksgiving. He initiated a hug from me, told me he loves me, wants our marriage to work out, he's tired of not talking/holding/fighting me. We had a GOOD 2 hours of what we were going to do from here on out. Then he came home this past weekend and was back to his ****ty self.

jerk.

vi_bride04

· #7 · Dec 5, 2012

"When is enough enough?"

When you realize your inner self and who you are as a person are dying a slow and painful death...

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keepmyfamily

Discussion Starter · #8 · Dec 5, 2012

vi_bride04 said:
"When is enough enough?"

When you realize your inner self and who you are as a person are dying a slow and painful death...

So true. I'm almost there.

TCSRedhead

· #9 · Dec 5, 2012

keepmyfamily said:
He knows and most of the time doesn't care. He's set to move on and live the life that me and the kids "took" from him.

The only time that I was talking to "him" was the Sunday after Thanksgiving. He initiated a hug from me, told me he loves me, wants our marriage to work out, he's tired of not talking/holding/fighting me. We had a GOOD 2 hours of what we were going to do from here on out. Then he came home this past weekend and was back to his ****ty self.

jerk.

He is a jerk - where was he over the weekend? The change in behavior makes me think he was in touch/contact with the OW.

Does he give you access to his phone, text records and email accounts?

keepmyfamily

Discussion Starter · #10 · Dec 5, 2012

I had a lot more patience when I had more faith in him and thought the depression was because we were in a slump. I can deal with marriage low points.

But, when I feel like the clues keep coming and as of last night feel like (once again) it's being dangled in my face. Not cool. They're lucky that I'm a lot classier then them.

keepmyfamily

Discussion Starter · #11 · Dec 5, 2012

He is stationed 2 hours away. He stays out there during the week and comes home on the weekends.

Yes, I have access to all accounts, phones, etc. What I don't have access to is work accounts. Which is where they communicate.

highwood

· #12 · Dec 5, 2012

Ah..yes, the "we're just friends" line...I think the majority of us BS's have heard that line...sadly I believed it until a week later I saw the emails between H and his OW...you usually do not say I will love you forever and I can't wait until I can spend the rest of my life with you to a "friend":scratchhead:

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littlegreengirl

· #13 · Dec 5, 2012

Trust your instinct. It's enough when one day you wake up and you can't remember the last time you laughed for no reason because your spending so much time surviving the marriage.
Here's some of my story.

keepmyfamily

Discussion Starter · #14 · Dec 5, 2012

Yeah. "just friends", glad he thinks so low of me, like I'm going to roll over and believe that one.

I can play nice and do my part. But, I'm not a dummy. He should know better.

My_2nd_Rodeo

· #15 · Dec 5, 2012

keepmyfamily said:
Then he came home this past weekend and was back to his ****ty self.

Do you have any reason to believe he could have been talking/seeing another woman right before he came back?

TCSRedhead

· #16 · Dec 5, 2012

He's definitely not committed to working on your marriage which brings the question about what is he focused on right now?

keepmyfamily

Discussion Starter · #17 · Dec 5, 2012

Last week? No, I don't for sure. But, it wouldn't be hard. When I asked him if he was done talking to her, he shook his head yes and walked off like I wasn't talking to him.

So, I know he did- just from that. I know my husband, he runs when lying. When he's not, he'll stand his ground.

LetDownNTX

· #18 · Dec 5, 2012

keepmyfamily said:
I had a lot more patience when I had more faith in him and thought the depression was because we were in a slump. I can deal with marriage low points.

But, when I feel like the clues keep coming and as of last night feel like (once again) it's being dangled in my face. Not cool. They're lucky that I'm a lot classier then them.

I have been with a man that belittles me at times and disrespects me but he has NEVER said to me that another female was worth our marriage. I cant imagine how you can hear that and not hate him, atleast a little. What a terrible and hurtful thing to say. I would suggest doing the 180 so that you can become stronger in mind and so that the things he says that are so hurtful dont hurt 'as much'.

Im sorry you are here!

Reactions: 2

keepmyfamily

Discussion Starter · #19 · Dec 5, 2012

TCSRedhead said:
He's definitely not committed to working on your marriage which brings the question about what is he focused on right now?

Himself. Not the kids. Not me. Just him.

TCSRedhead

· #20 · Dec 5, 2012

keepmyfamily said:
Himself. Not the kids. Not me. Just him.

I don't think it's just himself. I think he's still completely buried in his affair partner.

There's no point in pursuing marriage counseling until he commits to stop communicating with her.

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