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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Have you ever looked at someone you've loved for over 20 years just to wake up one day to realize you no longer like that person?

Well that is where I'm at in my marriage... My wife and I can't seem to agree on anything... It is like we are from different universes when it comes to being on the same page.
I sleep in the basement most nights because I tell my wife the bed does not feel welcoming... Not just sexually inviting. No, my wife allows our 3 year old son to sleep in the bed most nights despite may sharing with her that I'm afraid that I'm going to roll over on our son. Also, she is mainly responsible for "making" the bed for which is never done. The sheets are never fitted on the bed. She has a habit of using our girls sleeping bags for bed sheets and to top it off I don't have a pillow to sleep on. Add to all of this the fact that she never initiates sex or never wears anything to bed that is remotely appealing to motivate me and this is where we are at. Married for 10 years and I feel like we simply don't like each other or maybe I just don't like her anymore... I don't know. We have sex maybe once every 6 weeks when she is in the mood because of her hormones. She tells me I'm wrong every time I try to have an adult conversation about how I feel. I'm loosing it need herlp please.
 

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Have you ever looked at someone you've loved for over 20 years just to wake up one day to realize you no longer like that person?

Well that is where I'm at in my marriage... My wife and I can't seem to agree on anything... It is like we are from different universes when it comes to being on the same page.
I sleep in the basement most nights because I tell my wife the bed does not feel welcoming... Not just sexually inviting. No, my wife allows our 3 year old son to sleep in the bed most nights despite may sharing with her that I'm afraid that I'm going to roll over on our son. Also, she is mainly responsible for "making" the bed for which is never done. The sheets are never fitted on the bed. She has a habit of using our girls sleeping bags for bed sheets and to top it off I don't have a pillow to sleep on. Add to all of this the fact that she never initiates sex or never wears anything to bed that is remotely appealing to motivate me and this is where we are at. Married for 10 years and I feel like we simply don't like each other or maybe I just don't like her anymore... I don't know. We have sex maybe once every 6 weeks when she is in the mood because of her hormones. She tells me I'm wrong every time I try to have an adult conversation about how I feel. I'm loosing it need herlp please.
I looked up your old thread and read through it. To summarize, you have never been faithful to your wife, but have carried on a relationship with another woman who you wish you were married to instead. Your wife is unaware that you are still cheating with this other woman. You want to stay in your marriage for your three kids, and because you say you love your wife.

If I've missed anything, or there is new information, please update us. If I have the wrong person, I am sorry.

So, to get to your question:

Step One: Stop lying to your wife and find out if she wants to stay married to you while you carry on a relationship with another woman. I'm assuming you have no intention of giving her (OW) up.

Step Two: Get yourself and your wife into counseling to deal with what ever decision you make regarding you marriage-- most important, how to make sure the kids come through this as undamaged emotionally as possible.

You are aware, I suppose, that you were called out as a troll several times on that other thread because the circumstances of your marriage and affair were so egregious, yet you seemed unable to comprehend how the problems in your marriage were stemming from your own behavior?

I think if you truly want help with the question you pose here, it would be fair--to those who are about to give you of their time and energy--to fill in some details that are missing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I'm reaching out for help and what I get is my past thrown in my face:( I feel like changing my account because if I'm going to be crucified every time I seek advice on pressing issues currently impacting my life why bother:( I haven't posted for months for fear of being lashed out against. I guess I need to seek other means outside of the forums. And to answer those still holding pass post against me.. The answer is no I'm trying my best to make my marriage work taking steps to show love and affection. Yes, no I'm not seeing any OW. It is HARD but I'm trying... Need help.

Please get past the name... It has nothing to do with my looks...It is more to do with my faith as a child of God.
 

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I'm reaching out for help and what I get is my past thrown in my face:( I feel like changing my account because if I'm going to be crucified every time I seek advice on pressing issues currently impacting my life why bother:( I haven't posted for months for fear of being lashed out against. I guess I need to seek other means outside of the forums. And to answer those still holding pass post against me.. The answer is no I'm trying my best to make my marriage work taking steps to show love and affection. Yes, no I'm not seeing any OW. It is HARD but I'm trying... Need help.

Please get past the name... It has nothing to do with my looks...It is more to do with my faith as a child of God.
I don't mean to make you feel crucified, godbody.

Tell us what you are doing, what efforts you are making to make your marriage work. Tell us about the conversations you have had with your wife. Does she want to work on this marriage?

Getting deeper into the issues than "I don't feel welcome" is going to be necessary. And if you don't think your years of infidelity are germane to the conversation, then I doubt that any advice you get is going to be very helpful. You CAN get help here, but what people have to say and the advice they offer will not always be what you want to hear. Such is the double edged sword of internet forums.

But certainly that is only my 2 cents. There are quite a variety of personalities and view points here; I'm sure you will find what others have to say more useful. I stand by the advice I gave you in my last post.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
For one I've taken a more engaging role in the date to date running of our household by cooking meals on a more regular basis, I've arranged for weekend getaways for my wife and I. I become more open and honest with dealing with my own personal insecurities.
I've even tried to spice up our sex life with toys another playful items. I've become more a cheer leader for my wife.. Helping her launch her own business. We've addressed some of her own issues with her hair and weight. I've even sought advice from friends who are in more faith based relationships.

Yes, my past may be coming back to haunt me and I understand you get what you deserve.

But, for all of my efforts my wife does not seem open to giving me any ground... I LOVE my wife and want to be with her but I find myself in tears a lot because I'm in pain. I'm doing what I can to make it work. I still have a long way to go but it pains me to believe that my wife does not have it in her to meet me half way. My god I've lived with the feeling that my wife is not attracted to me. I've had this feeling for years. Could it be that I was right and all of my past actions came from my own personal issues with that maybe. No excuses... If I say I love my wife I get ripped so go ahead and rip me. But, please those who can offer any feedback to help me your words are needed.
 

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You are responsible for your own happiness. That means you cannot rely on your wife to make you feel a certain way. There are things you can do to make you happy, but you have to be willing to put in the effort. Start looking at your wife with a fresh mindset. Put aside all the resentment and hurt. Explore her like she is your first love. By giving love and showing love you actually start to feel love. This in turn may have your wife feel and do the same. Simple acts of kindness go a long way.

What kind of things do you do for each other to show your appreciation?
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Well you made your crappy bed with no pillow, kids everywhere and sleeping bags instead of blankets. Seems like a pretty good metaphor for stuffing up the lives of so many people. If a man ever treated me that way he would not have the basement to sleep in, not even the dog kennel.
 

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I read your other thread too.

You've been unhappy for a while and you got close with another women.

Some would call that dating but I will give you the benefit of the doubt.

Why not divorce your wife and find someone you do like?
 

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Do you criticize your wife a lot. Do you tell her she's beautiful? Why not buy her some lingerie you'd like her to wear to bed or buy her some sexy underwear?

If you don't make her feel attractive, why would she wear sexy revealing items? You have to create an atmosphere where you make her feel loved and appreciated. That means ENDING YOUR AFFAIR and working on the relationship with your wife. When she can tell your actions are genuine, she'll probably be more willing to engage with you.

Why should she be vulnerable when you take what she gives you and you disrespect her by cheating? That is how your actions are affecting your marriage.
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I haven't read your other threads, but when I read this post OP I thought to myself "wow, that wife sounds depressed". I don't know you or your wife or the circumstances, but was she always somewhat sloppy with housekeeping and appearance or has this developed? I got the impression it has crept up on you. It may be just laziness, or it could likely be signs of depression and building barriers between you because she is hurt and resentful in the marriage too.

Perhaps as previously suggested work on turning your focus onto her positive traits. Buy her lingere and make the bed up properly yourself. Build her confidence in you as a husband, lover and father by appreciating and admiring her could turn her around. Tell her she's beautiful, don't try and 'fix' her. Someone really wise once said to me "it's not all about finding the perfect partner, its about BEING the perfect partner". I failed and destroyed my own marriage by cheating and some things in your situation sound familiar to me.

Anyone who feels loved and cherished usually blossoms. Anyone who feels resentful and unattractive to their partner can slide into this apathy. And buy yourself a pillow for goodness sake! lol
 
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