Like the man said, you really need to figure out if she really wants to be a part of your world, or just your resources.I’ll be blunt, sounds like she got with you for the money.
She definitely did not follow you into your world or has any desire to participate in your passions.
For being multilingual and well traveled and financially successful , you seem a little naive and gullible where she is concerned.
For me, the thought of being hauled around the globe to 3rd world and developing nations for months out of the year sounds like hell on earth to me and I am not racist or xenophobic,, it just sounds like a pain in the arse.
So that brings me back to why did she even want to get with you in the first place???
A guy with $$$ that makes it so she doesn’t have to work but is gone off globetrotting all the time????
Yyeeeeaaahhhh, I’d be wondering just what it is she’s doing back home while you’re gone.
I briefly dated a man who loves to travel. When he is not traveling, he is planning the next trip. He works and saves just to spend his money on trips. We were very compatible on many levels: we connected on the emotional level, on the intellectual level, and we had a lot of interests in common except travel. Don't get me wrong: I love to travel, but my job doesn't allow me a lot of travel throughout the year, while his job does. He is self-employed and he can manage his hours and he can work online while traveling too. I like to discover new places and cultures, but home is important for me. I need to spend more time at home than traveling. So after two dates and a lot of phone conversations I told him we need to stop dating and he needs to find someone who loves to travel like him. We were getting attached to each other very quickly because we basically were finishing each other's sentences.I love to travel internationally. It is my greatest passion. I speak 4 languages. I've visited 85 countries. I am thrilled and impassioned by the prospect of traveling to a new part of the world. Nothing makes me feel alive like travel. It is a huge part of who I am.
My wife and I got married 6 years ago. I talked at length about my interest in travel from the very first day we met. While we were dating we talked about all the amazing trips we would do together. (Or, at least, I thought we talked about it. In retrospect, I likely talked all about the amazing trips we'd do while she smiled and nodded.)
Shortly after getting married I discovered that my wife hates to travel. She hates the discomfort of being in airplanes, rental cars, etc. She hates being away from home. She has almost zero interest in foreign cultures. She was raised in a family that is very responsible and very caring, but they also exhibit some amount of racism and xenophobia. They believe that it is prohibitively dangerous to visit Mexico or Africa; regardless of what the statistics might say. She believes the same.
Eleven years ago I began investing in real estate with the objective of one day being able to quit my job to travel abroad with my family for four or five months every year. The real estate investments did well, and at the age of 38 I now am in a position to provide an exceptionally comfortable life for my wife while also being able to leave my job and travel. This has been a lifelong dream of mine. I've worked hard for it. I will quit my job in July and we will spend three months in Europe together, then maybe a month in Japan later this year. My wife is dreading it.
Travel is the greatest source of contention in our marriage. My wife hates it. She speaks overwhelmingly negatively about it. I can hardly raise the issue of travel without it turning into a fight. I can't share my dreams with my wife. I have to bottle them up. There is a lot of silence in our marriage. We do have some good times together, but I constantly want to talk about my dream of travel, and she wants nothing to do with it. Silence is a preferable alternative to fighting.
Admittedly, asking my wife to spend five months a year away from home to support my interest is a lot, but I take great care of her. I've contributed $100,000 or so towards her interests, she'll never have to have a job, and I feel she could be more positive about this. I also feel strongly that we not spend months apart each year as a family. Thoughts?
I missed this post by you when I wrote my previous post. I had assumed from your first post that you don't have children together. You want to make it work for your daughter. I suggest you make less or shorter trips for now and postpone your big travel plans until your daughter is older. You don't want to break your family just to be able to spend more time traveling, do you? Compromise with your wife to keep your family together.During our 6 years of marriage we have been on about 10 international trips together and many short trips in the United States as well. I put a lot of effort into trying to make the trips as comfortable and easy as possible for her, and to find things she might be interested in, but it's a battle. Traveling with her is hell. She constantly complains about everything she hates about it. It's so difficult to enjoy it with her.
I recognize that I missed the fact that she didn't love travel when we were dating, but she did present herself as someone who was excited to travel with me. She also had been on a two-week trip to England with her university. I didn't suspect that she was uninterested, and I certainly didn't suspect that she hated it. Regardless, the decision to marry her has already been made.
Specifically, I am looking for the best way to manage this situation. We married each other and we will stay married. We have a young daughter and for her benefit and ours, we will make our marriage as good as it can be. I am looking for a solution to help make things easier. I appreciate the input.
He is in a relationship with travel, he’s not ‘married’ in any sense of the word to a human... just on paper. Divorce is probably not the answer, but this is not a marriage between two people, she is not the love of his life. She knows this.I am gobsmacked that people are really suggesting OP end his marriage over this. Seriously? There's no abuse, violence or infidelity. His wife doesn't like travelling but he does, so oops, incompatible - divorce! Omfg.
This was an exceptionally judgemental post. I love my wife and I said specifically that I intended to stay with her regardless. I also love my daughter deeply. Every month since she was born nearly 2 years ago I have made a video about her. It takes me 10 to 15 hours a month. I have done it every single month. I’ve done much more to show my love for her as well.Also love travelling btw, we did it a lot when we had one child (husband is a migrant). We did a few big trips and long stays with one child, and cooled it down because the flights and trips away became very disruptive to our child’s life. Small things like missing school photos, and jetlag, the bigger things just got bigger. By the age of 11, he was done (he did 2 international trips with dad while I was at hone with the younger ones)
When the other kids came along and got older we just stuck to road trips. Our early travelling did have a detrimental affect on our oldest sadly, he has no desire to get on a plane or see the world and I do feel a lot of guilt here for this.
Interestingly it was ‘the goodbyes’ he couldn’t cope with, he said he couldn’t emotionally deal with getting used to a place (we have family all over the world that we stay with) and then having to leave, jet lag. Absolutely hates it now 😔
Im not suggesting divorce, but it is clear where his true love lies, I do feel for his wife and child because he doesn’t speak lovingly of her, isn’t really even talking much about the child (they’re all an afterthought aren’t they, he writes very little about any loving feelings, wife he complains about and mention of child, very indescript language) his every breath and word speaks of where his number one love will always be. Travel. Sometimes you see more from a person in what they DON’T talk about.
I absolutely would appreciate it - I would listen and really think, and ask what made them think this, maybe outsiders really do something we don’t and we can learn from it. We can all be better parents, nobody is perfect! In 10 years time, what will your daughter think of this, if travelling means so much to you. If she were to read these posts as a young lady, what will she come away with?This was an exceptionally judgemental post. I love my wife and I said specifically that I intended to stay with her regardless. I also love my daughter deeply. Every month since she was born nearly 2 years ago I have made a video about her. It takes me 10 to 15 hours a month. I have done it every single month. I’ve done much more to show my love for her as well.
Don’t tell me that I don’t love my daughter. You wouldn’t appreciate it if people told you you didn’t love your kids.
I don’t know where you’re coming from. I’m not angry. I do not want to be elsewhere all the time. I want to be with my family. I wrote this post specifically because I don’t want to travel without them. I’m looking for ideas.I absolutely would appreciate it - I would listen and really think, and ask what made them think this, maybe outsiders really do something we don’t and we can learn from it. We can all be better parents, nobody is perfect! In 10 years time, what will your daughter think of this, if travelling means so much to you. If she were to read these posts as a young lady, what will she come away with?
When you are at home with her, sad because you want to be elsewhere all the time, what will she see on your face? I’m not at all judging you - I’m actually imploring you to think about this from a different perspective. If you had say, sent this as a synopsis of a new bestselling novel, what would the editor see as the final chapters of the novel?
I was talking more at length, several times about what your true love is. And didn’t specifically say ‘you don’t love your daughter’. Those words are yours, and you seem very defensive, I am a fellow former traveller remember.
Really read over your writing, which is lovely, and see the use of language, where the passion is focussed. Read also what you are not saying. And where you are becoming angry - that will tell you a lot.
I hope it works out for you all, as Tolstoy said, all happy families are alike...
My anger is directed at you because you are ridiculous. I’m not angry with anything else.‘It is clear where his true love lies’ is not ‘you don’t love your daughter.’ It’s not accusatory or judgemental and I have tried to use some gentler language. I’ll say it just one very last time, I am not sure of your love for your daughter - I am simply certain of your love for travelling.
It’s good to see the anger coming out, keep it going. Anger is useful.
OP, you and your wife got married hoping each to change the other. You knew she hates to travel, but overlooked it thinking that you would change her. She knew you were passionate about traveling and she hoped to change you. You both found out that it is impossible to change another person against their wishes, but now you have a daughter that you each love, but your incompatibility is still there. In your post, your resentment toward your wife is apparent and you make a lot of effort to express how hard it is to plan and go on trips with her because she hates it. You didn't suddenly discover that she hates it AFTER marriage; you knew it when you were dating her but decided that you could change her later.What about laughing about how black people look like monkeys? What about saying that interracial marriages should never happen? What about mocking the way Chinese people speak? Are those things racist enough for you?