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If I had a partner who made plenty of money, and I didn't have to work, I'd be more than happy to travel like that.

Your wife isn't one of those people though.

What can you do? Seems you are in a tight spot.
 

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I’ll be blunt, sounds like she got with you for the money.

She definitely did not follow you into your world or has any desire to participate in your passions.
For being multilingual and well traveled and financially successful , you seem a little naive and gullible where she is concerned.

For me, the thought of being hauled around the globe to 3rd world and developing nations for months out of the year sounds like hell on earth to me and I am not racist or xenophobic,, it just sounds like a pain in the arse.

So that brings me back to why did she even want to get with you in the first place???

A guy with $$$ that makes it so she doesn’t have to work but is gone off globetrotting all the time????

Yyeeeeaaahhhh, I’d be wondering just what it is she’s doing back home while you’re gone.
Like the man said, you really need to figure out if she really wants to be a part of your world, or just your resources.
 

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I love to travel internationally. It is my greatest passion. I speak 4 languages. I've visited 85 countries. I am thrilled and impassioned by the prospect of traveling to a new part of the world. Nothing makes me feel alive like travel. It is a huge part of who I am.

My wife and I got married 6 years ago. I talked at length about my interest in travel from the very first day we met. While we were dating we talked about all the amazing trips we would do together. (Or, at least, I thought we talked about it. In retrospect, I likely talked all about the amazing trips we'd do while she smiled and nodded.)

Shortly after getting married I discovered that my wife hates to travel. She hates the discomfort of being in airplanes, rental cars, etc. She hates being away from home. She has almost zero interest in foreign cultures. She was raised in a family that is very responsible and very caring, but they also exhibit some amount of racism and xenophobia. They believe that it is prohibitively dangerous to visit Mexico or Africa; regardless of what the statistics might say. She believes the same.

Eleven years ago I began investing in real estate with the objective of one day being able to quit my job to travel abroad with my family for four or five months every year. The real estate investments did well, and at the age of 38 I now am in a position to provide an exceptionally comfortable life for my wife while also being able to leave my job and travel. This has been a lifelong dream of mine. I've worked hard for it. I will quit my job in July and we will spend three months in Europe together, then maybe a month in Japan later this year. My wife is dreading it.

Travel is the greatest source of contention in our marriage. My wife hates it. She speaks overwhelmingly negatively about it. I can hardly raise the issue of travel without it turning into a fight. I can't share my dreams with my wife. I have to bottle them up. There is a lot of silence in our marriage. We do have some good times together, but I constantly want to talk about my dream of travel, and she wants nothing to do with it. Silence is a preferable alternative to fighting.

Admittedly, asking my wife to spend five months a year away from home to support my interest is a lot, but I take great care of her. I've contributed $100,000 or so towards her interests, she'll never have to have a job, and I feel she could be more positive about this. I also feel strongly that we not spend months apart each year as a family. Thoughts?
I briefly dated a man who loves to travel. When he is not traveling, he is planning the next trip. He works and saves just to spend his money on trips. We were very compatible on many levels: we connected on the emotional level, on the intellectual level, and we had a lot of interests in common except travel. Don't get me wrong: I love to travel, but my job doesn't allow me a lot of travel throughout the year, while his job does. He is self-employed and he can manage his hours and he can work online while traveling too. I like to discover new places and cultures, but home is important for me. I need to spend more time at home than traveling. So after two dates and a lot of phone conversations I told him we need to stop dating and he needs to find someone who loves to travel like him. We were getting attached to each other very quickly because we basically were finishing each other's sentences.

You and your wife, like everyone has been saying, are incompatible. Sounds like you don't have children, and this makes it much easier to divorce. It also sounds that you come from very different families and you had a very different upbringing each, and we are the products of our families, so travel is just a symptom of your incompatibility. It runs deeper and it would be better for you to find a good travel companion that shares your passion.
 

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I am reading this: I love travel I love travelling, I have been travelling to so many countries, it’s my passion I have planned my life and my future so that I can travel and so on and so on.

Then... you talk about your wife. Complain actually.

it is clear what/who you love more, and what you are married to - travelling. Yes you are ‘in a relationship with travelling’.

That much is clear. So what will you do about the wife, the marriage, the kid?

I’m not berating you by the way, it’s totally ok to be passionate about something and to want to marry someone similar. But probably wasn’t smart to get married eh? Steve and Bindi Irwin doesn’t happen a lot in real life, sorry.

My close friends travelled the world a lot, both very passionate! Both of them! Delayed kids, built their life around it. Then they had a kid, all cool til kid had to start school and then one of them had to grow up. 😕 The wife was expressing smiles and concerns a while back, and they did divorce when he just didn’t see what was wrong with child going to school in Vietnam for 6 months and Germany for 8 months and then back home a bit and then school for kiddo at wherever next. He too suggested she might be racist... well, she was from a third-world country and a refugee, so she had some concerns there. They did divorce, she was devastated, not sure what happened to him though, we lost contact years back.
 

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My husband and I love to travel too. I knew I couldn't be married to someone who didn't like to travel.

We were a little more adventurous before having kids. We have plenty of stories! I would love to move my family to a Spanish speaking country for a little bit so they get fluent in the language. We are looking into retiring outside the US. I wanna live in a little Mexican town.

I'm sorry but you and your wife are not a good match. She doesn't share your passion for traveling. She should have told you this before getting married. Have you asked her why she made you believe she liked traveling? I'm guessing she saw your wallet and she figured you would change for her and your kids. SMH...

Unless you both reach a compromise between staying home and traveling I don't see you having a happy marriage. You guys have very different interests.
 

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During our 6 years of marriage we have been on about 10 international trips together and many short trips in the United States as well. I put a lot of effort into trying to make the trips as comfortable and easy as possible for her, and to find things she might be interested in, but it's a battle. Traveling with her is hell. She constantly complains about everything she hates about it. It's so difficult to enjoy it with her.

I recognize that I missed the fact that she didn't love travel when we were dating, but she did present herself as someone who was excited to travel with me. She also had been on a two-week trip to England with her university. I didn't suspect that she was uninterested, and I certainly didn't suspect that she hated it. Regardless, the decision to marry her has already been made.

Specifically, I am looking for the best way to manage this situation. We married each other and we will stay married. We have a young daughter and for her benefit and ours, we will make our marriage as good as it can be. I am looking for a solution to help make things easier. I appreciate the input.
I missed this post by you when I wrote my previous post. I had assumed from your first post that you don't have children together. You want to make it work for your daughter. I suggest you make less or shorter trips for now and postpone your big travel plans until your daughter is older. You don't want to break your family just to be able to spend more time traveling, do you? Compromise with your wife to keep your family together.
 

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I am one who can relate to your wife; I’m not a fan of travel either. It is difficult to understand how such different views on travel came together and only became an issue after marriage.
 

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Do you like to gamble?

Ja, oder nein?
 

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I am gobsmacked that people are really suggesting OP end his marriage over this. Seriously? There's no abuse, violence or infidelity. His wife doesn't like travelling but he does, so oops, incompatible - divorce! Omfg.

The racist part, he would have known about that prior to marriage, and married her regardless. That's on him.

OP, very few people are able or want to travel for months at a time. That's a long time to be away from home. There has to be compromises on both sides here. Take shorter trips, put the longer ones on hold until your daughter is older. Who knows? She may share your love of travel and the two of you can travel together when she's older.

Don't divorce over something like this.
 

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Also love travelling btw, we did it a lot when we had one child (husband is a migrant). We did a few big trips and long stays with one child, and cooled it down because the flights and trips away became very disruptive to our child’s life. Small things like missing school photos, and jetlag, the bigger things just got bigger. By the age of 11, he was done (he did 2 international trips with dad while I was at hone with the younger ones)

When the other kids came along and got older we just stuck to road trips. Our early travelling did have a detrimental affect on our oldest sadly, he has no desire to get on a plane or see the world and I do feel a lot of guilt here for this.

Interestingly it was ‘the goodbyes’ he couldn’t cope with, he said he couldn’t emotionally deal with getting used to a place (we have family all over the world that we stay with) and then having to leave, jet lag. Absolutely hates it now 😔

Im not suggesting divorce, but it is clear where his true love lies, I do feel for his wife and child because he doesn’t speak lovingly of her, isn’t really even talking much about the child (they’re all an afterthought aren’t they, he writes very little about any loving feelings, wife he complains about and mention of child, very indescript language) his every breath and word speaks of where his number one love will always be. Travel. Sometimes you see more from a person in what they DON’T talk about.
 

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I am gobsmacked that people are really suggesting OP end his marriage over this. Seriously? There's no abuse, violence or infidelity. His wife doesn't like travelling but he does, so oops, incompatible - divorce! Omfg.
He is in a relationship with travel, he’s not ‘married’ in any sense of the word to a human... just on paper. Divorce is probably not the answer, but this is not a marriage between two people, she is not the love of his life. She knows this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #33 ·
Also love travelling btw, we did it a lot when we had one child (husband is a migrant). We did a few big trips and long stays with one child, and cooled it down because the flights and trips away became very disruptive to our child’s life. Small things like missing school photos, and jetlag, the bigger things just got bigger. By the age of 11, he was done (he did 2 international trips with dad while I was at hone with the younger ones)

When the other kids came along and got older we just stuck to road trips. Our early travelling did have a detrimental affect on our oldest sadly, he has no desire to get on a plane or see the world and I do feel a lot of guilt here for this.

Interestingly it was ‘the goodbyes’ he couldn’t cope with, he said he couldn’t emotionally deal with getting used to a place (we have family all over the world that we stay with) and then having to leave, jet lag. Absolutely hates it now 😔

Im not suggesting divorce, but it is clear where his true love lies, I do feel for his wife and child because he doesn’t speak lovingly of her, isn’t really even talking much about the child (they’re all an afterthought aren’t they, he writes very little about any loving feelings, wife he complains about and mention of child, very indescript language) his every breath and word speaks of where his number one love will always be. Travel. Sometimes you see more from a person in what they DON’T talk about.
This was an exceptionally judgemental post. I love my wife and I said specifically that I intended to stay with her regardless. I also love my daughter deeply. Every month since she was born nearly 2 years ago I have made a video about her. It takes me 10 to 15 hours a month. I have done it every single month. I’ve done much more to show my love for her as well.

Don’t tell me that I don’t love my daughter. You wouldn’t appreciate it if people told you you didn’t love your kids.
 

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This was an exceptionally judgemental post. I love my wife and I said specifically that I intended to stay with her regardless. I also love my daughter deeply. Every month since she was born nearly 2 years ago I have made a video about her. It takes me 10 to 15 hours a month. I have done it every single month. I’ve done much more to show my love for her as well.

Don’t tell me that I don’t love my daughter. You wouldn’t appreciate it if people told you you didn’t love your kids.
I absolutely would appreciate it - I would listen and really think, and ask what made them think this, maybe outsiders really do something we don’t and we can learn from it. We can all be better parents, nobody is perfect! In 10 years time, what will your daughter think of this, if travelling means so much to you. If she were to read these posts as a young lady, what will she come away with?

When you are at home with her, sad because you want to be elsewhere all the time, what will she see on your face? I’m not at all judging you - I’m actually imploring you to think about this from a different perspective. If you had say, sent this as a synopsis of a new bestselling novel, what would the editor see as the final chapters of the novel?

I was talking more at length, several times about what your true love is. And didn’t specifically say ‘you don’t love your daughter’. Those words are yours, and you seem very defensive, I am a fellow former traveller remember.

Really read over your writing, which is lovely, and see the use of language, where the passion is focussed. Read also what you are not saying. And where you are becoming angry - that will tell you a lot.

I hope it works out for you all, as Tolstoy said, all happy families are alike...
 

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Discussion Starter · #35 ·
I absolutely would appreciate it - I would listen and really think, and ask what made them think this, maybe outsiders really do something we don’t and we can learn from it. We can all be better parents, nobody is perfect! In 10 years time, what will your daughter think of this, if travelling means so much to you. If she were to read these posts as a young lady, what will she come away with?

When you are at home with her, sad because you want to be elsewhere all the time, what will she see on your face? I’m not at all judging you - I’m actually imploring you to think about this from a different perspective. If you had say, sent this as a synopsis of a new bestselling novel, what would the editor see as the final chapters of the novel?

I was talking more at length, several times about what your true love is. And didn’t specifically say ‘you don’t love your daughter’. Those words are yours, and you seem very defensive, I am a fellow former traveller remember.

Really read over your writing, which is lovely, and see the use of language, where the passion is focussed. Read also what you are not saying. And where you are becoming angry - that will tell you a lot.

I hope it works out for you all, as Tolstoy said, all happy families are alike...
I don’t know where you’re coming from. I’m not angry. I do not want to be elsewhere all the time. I want to be with my family. I wrote this post specifically because I don’t want to travel without them. I’m looking for ideas.

You very strongly implied that I do not love my daughter. These are your exact words: “it is clear where his true love lies”. That is horribly judgemental, horribly false, and horribly inappropriate. Own it.

Can you write 10 words without being accusatory?
 

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‘It is clear where his true love lies’ is not ‘you don’t love your daughter.’ It’s not accusatory or judgemental and I have tried to use some gentler language. I’ll say it just one very last time, I am not sure of your love for your daughter - I am simply certain of your love for travelling.

It’s good to see the anger coming out, keep it going. Anger is useful.
 

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Discussion Starter · #37 ·
Inappropriate, rude, insulting
‘It is clear where his true love lies’ is not ‘you don’t love your daughter.’ It’s not accusatory or judgemental and I have tried to use some gentler language. I’ll say it just one very last time, I am not sure of your love for your daughter - I am simply certain of your love for travelling.

It’s good to see the anger coming out, keep it going. Anger is useful.
My anger is directed at you because you are ridiculous. I’m not angry with anything else.
 

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OP, you're looking for a way to make your wife be different. I'm afraid that's not something that's going to be possible. You can't make her change, you can only control yourself.

She's not going to suddenly start enjoying travel. So, you'll need to decide if putting up with her making travel "hell" is worth it to you. If getting to travel is worth putting up with her while doing it, then travel as a family. If it's not, then you'll need to either stay home with her or travel without her. I will agree with others, though, that traveling for months at a time isn't something you're likely to find many people enthusiastic about, particularly not people with children at home or even the children themselves.

Do be aware that staying home with your family may make you miserable. Traveling together will certainly make her miserable - and you by extension because of her attitude towards it. But, traveling solo is also likely to eat away at your marriage because significant time apart erodes the love and closeness in a relationship, leads to parallel lives rather than a shared one, and leaves both parties very open to temptation.

This is the nature of incompatibility - that there is no easy answer to fix it. Only you can decide what you want for your life. Maybe that looks like being settled when your daughter is young, with only occasional trips of relatively short duration, and saving the 6-months-in-Borneo sorts of adventures for when your daughter is out of the house. Just know that your wife still probably won't want to travel even once your daughter is grown.

Oh, and as for her being a racist....well, you knew what you were getting on that front when you married her, so...... 🤷‍♀️
 

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What about laughing about how black people look like monkeys? What about saying that interracial marriages should never happen? What about mocking the way Chinese people speak? Are those things racist enough for you?
OP, you and your wife got married hoping each to change the other. You knew she hates to travel, but overlooked it thinking that you would change her. She knew you were passionate about traveling and she hoped to change you. You both found out that it is impossible to change another person against their wishes, but now you have a daughter that you each love, but your incompatibility is still there. In your post, your resentment toward your wife is apparent and you make a lot of effort to express how hard it is to plan and go on trips with her because she hates it. You didn't suddenly discover that she hates it AFTER marriage; you knew it when you were dating her but decided that you could change her later.
You also try to attribute her hate for travel to some xenophobia that might have originated in her family. It might be the case, but it might not. We don't have access to her side of the story, and we are trying to help you with what info you are feeding us.
What you mentioned about her family is a form of racism and xenophobia, but frankly your passion for travel reflects an alarming level of irresponsibility not only towards your family, but also towards the planet as we know how much pollution airplanes are releasing in the atmosphere, and how hurtful is modern day tourism to the indigenous cultures around the planet as we go and dump our trash around their living spaces and natural environment and how the corporate tourism disrupted their economies to serve us, first-world citizens. A lot of anthropologists and environmental scientists consider modern day intensive tourism undertaken the wealthy to be a form of environmental racism.
Your answers reflect a defensive attitude in you and an unwillingness to accept any input that doesn't look like what you are expecting. You are expecting outrage at your wife and in-laws and compassion with you.
Many people have a plan for their lives; they are driven and motivated and actually do the work to execute this plan, and this is wonderful in many ways. They start getting into trouble when they bring a significant other in their lives, expecting this significant other to fit into their plan without asking any question. No, this won't work. Your wife is not supposed to be an accessory in your life. She has her own plans. She married you thinking that a daughter will help you forget about your travels and settle down. She was wrong too.
Again, as I and many have said earlier, compromise with your wife, but start by acknowledging that both of your were wrong when you each thought that you could change the other. Good luck! And no need to start insulting people who are just trying to help you and sharing their own experiences with you.
 
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