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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
It has taken me a long time to distinguish the core problems in my marriage from the more peripheral ones, but I've realized that neglect is probably the biggest one. My husband does not show me he loves me. He doesn't take care of me when I'm sick. If there's something I need, no matter how trivial or serious, he'll ignore my request.

Beyond that, he has neglected the kids. I've posted about the way he left the little one in a swimming pool with no life jacket, but there are many other instances. Just yesterday he fed the bigger one moldy yogurt. He didn't think it was a big deal.

I don't think he's a capable parent. I don't say that lightly, I just don't think the kids are safe with him. He won't forget to feed them or fail to clothe them, so it's not call-child-protective-services neglect (nor would I ever let that happen), but I don't trust him to keep the kids safe.

Also, has never been adequately pro-active about helping me protect the kids and myself from potential harm from strangers. When I rode the train home after dark with the 2 girls, walking about a quarter of a mile by ourselves along a dimly lit, deserted stretch of road, he wouldn't buy me mace (we're not in the US, I don't speak the language here. He does). He laughed when I said I wanted some. One time, here in this country, a strange man was taking photos of our younger daughter. I asked H to ask him to stop. He wouldn't. He wouldn't!!! I had to do it. I don't even speak the language and I had to confront this guy and tell him to stop photographing my daughter.

There's much more, of course, but I'd imagine you get the gist. The issue I'm struggling with is how I'll ever be able to get back to loving him (which I don't, right now) when I see him as someone I have to keep my children safe from, and someone who won't protect his family from harm. And I'm really starting to question if he even deserves the second (or third, or fourth) chance that I'm giving him.

I so wish I wasn't here. It's so tempting to just try to forget everything that has ever happened and just go through the motions. I'm really at a crisis here though, where I'm wondering if I have it in me to move forward with him. I'm only even considering it for the kids.

I'm going to lay this all out on the table at our next session of marriage counseling. If you have any ideas, or can help me think this through, I'd really appreciate it.
 

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This is an incredibly difficult situation to be in. I am sorry for this. Really I do not have a ton of advice for you because it sounds like he is just not who you need. The only thing that I can personally suggest is making sure he is completely aware of how serious you are about this, and making sure he clearly understands what it is that is bothering you, and if he does not fix it you are considering divorce.

If he chooses to not change, then you cannot change him, we can only change ourselves and we need to want it. I would however start to detach from him and do not pretend like you are happy. If you start to detach from him (lovingly) he will hopefully start to see you are serious about being independent and you are considering leaving.

The absolute most important thing however is if you say something, mean it, and follow through or he will never take you seriously.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
mavash, he really is. Of course we have a parent/child dynamic in the relationship, and I feel responsible for him and his happiness. I don't want to hurt him, because I do care for him. It's just that I care for him in the way a mother cares for her child.

Pravius, I've tried telling him gently, but nothing seems to get through to him. We're doing MC together and he'll continue IC with her after I go back to the US, so I feel like she's my last hope. If she can't get through to him, it's either a divorce or live like this. Which is too depressing to consider, so for now I'm just not looking beyond the next few months.

It's depressing though. :(
 

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mavash, he really is. Of course we have a parent/child dynamic in the relationship, and I feel responsible for him and his happiness. I don't want to hurt him, because I do care for him. It's just that I care for him in the way a mother cares for her child.

Pravius, I've tried telling him gently, but nothing seems to get through to him. We're doing MC together and he'll continue IC with her after I go back to the US, so I feel like she's my last hope. If she can't get through to him, it's either a divorce or live like this. Which is too depressing to consider, so for now I'm just not looking beyond the next few months.

It's depressing though. :(
Does he realize how close you are to actually divorcing him? Some men, myself included have taken my wife for granted, some guys get so used to the life they are in they can't see past that. When my wife told me that she was interested in sleeping with another man, that woke me up really fast and forced me to start working on myself. Since then our marriage has been improving and she does not feel the need to seek things from other men. What she did was completely wrong, but it was effective for me to see what I was doing wrong.
 

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I feel like neglect becomes abuse when they purposefully continue to do things when they've already been told it hurts you.

I am SO sorry you're in this situation. :( As it sounds like he will not change, and you and your children's safety is at risk, I would consider leaving. Lets see him "laugh" at your mace request if you get raped/one of his children gets abducted.

Speaking of mace: In the meantime, can you get the mace yourself? If you are having to walk around town alone like that, you NEED protection! With or without his consent.
 

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(((NORTHERN LIGHTS)))

I'm not being sarcastic I'm liking the idea of you doing a 180.Seems almost as if you are "hanging on to" if or when your husband will "stop" this or "be that" ..You are putting your life on "hold" waiting for him to be "different"..YOU take care of your self YOU take care of your children rely on him as least possible..

But also "never say never"..Never is when you are dead..((((HUGS))))
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Does he realize how close you are to actually divorcing him? Some men, myself included have taken my wife for granted, some guys get so used to the life they are in they can't see past that. When my wife told me that she was interested in sleeping with another man, that woke me up really fast and forced me to start working on myself. Since then our marriage has been improving and she does not feel the need to seek things from other men. What she did was completely wrong, but it was effective for me to see what I was doing wrong.
Yeah, he does. I told him 3 years ago that if it wasn't for the kids, I'd be gone. Nothing changed. In fact, I think he got exactly the opposite of what I was hoping out of the conversation: we do have kids, therefore I'm not going anywhere. Ultimately, he knows I'm still staying for the kids. I seem to be unable to lie to him and tell him I'm willing to go without it being true. I think he sees it now as him having 10 years before I'll go, so maybe in 8 or 9 years he'll try to do better.

I wish it was enough for him that I'm unhappy. I get so jealous when I see men on here who hear the things I told my husband years ago and get to work.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I'm going to try the 180. I'm so naturally social and talkative that it's very difficult for me to not just start talking to him. We're separating due to my being kicked out of the country, and I think he might miss my cooking enough to get a scare.

Thank you for the support you guys.
 

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Oh and "neglect" becomes abuse when its chronic .And has a real "negative" debilitating" affect that a reasonably (mentally sane and of intelligence level) know the likely results of neglect.It can also be a one timer depending..But that could be called "criminal neglect')

Let me ask you this..I KNOW the temperature rises in the cars here in Texas (in the summer and no air conditioning) in a car to FATAL degrees..And quickly..I know its possible that a small person especially (like a child say 4 or under) is at risk..I leave the child in the car for 10 minutes without air conditioning to "run in the store"..I have never done that before..they have a heat stroke and die..Is that abuse or neglect???
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I see what you're saying dallasapple.

Supposed (God forbid), my daughter had drowned in that pool. Would that have been a tragic accident, or would my husband have been criminally responsible? That's something I keep finding myself struggling with. I'm not sure that I can forgive him for that alone. But, she didn't drown. Should I just be thankful and let it go?

I'm stuck. I just don't know. Does that mean I should spend more time thinking about it? Less time thinking, more letting go? I'm so confused.
 

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I dont think neglect becomes abuse after a certain time limit, I think neglect IS abuse. If you neglected your child, it would be abuse. Neglect is not taking someone for granted though, it is willfully not caring for someone who needs cared for, whether it be emotional or physical. I hope things get better for you!
 

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I dont think neglect becomes abuse after a certain time limit, I think neglect IS abuse. If you neglected your child, it would be abuse. Neglect is not taking someone for granted though, it is willfully not caring for someone who needs cared for, whether it be emotional or physical. I hope things get better for you!
I disagree..Neglect isnt "abuse".Or there wouldn't be two terms.Its legally defined as well.
 

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I disagree..Neglect isnt "abuse".Or there wouldn't be two terms.Its legally defined as well.
I think you are misunderstanding what I am saying or I am not saying it correctly. Neglect is a form of abuse, neglect does not become abuse after a certain length of time.

For instance, if you neglect your child, that is abusive to them, you do not have to neglect them repeatedly for it to be abuse.
 

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Yeah, he does. I told him 3 years ago that if it wasn't for the kids, I'd be gone. Nothing changed. In fact, I think he got exactly the opposite of what I was hoping out of the conversation: we do have kids, therefore I'm not going anywhere. Ultimately, he knows I'm still staying for the kids. I seem to be unable to lie to him and tell him I'm willing to go without it being true. I think he sees it now as him having 10 years before I'll go, so maybe in 8 or 9 years he'll try to do better.

I wish it was enough for him that I'm unhappy. I get so jealous when I see men on here who hear the things I told my husband years ago and get to work.
Nothing has changed because he feels safe. He knows you aren't going anywhere even if it is only because of the kids. It would be a mistake to tell him you are willing to go if you are not. It can't be faked, he will know it. Like the others have said, work on you, detach, focus on yourself and the kids. When you start making positive changes, making yourself happy he may notice the changes and start to fear losing you. Either way you will be better off and in a better position to make decisions about what you for your future.
 

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maybe I'm asking the wrong question? maybe it's a distinction without a difference?
"Neglect

Neglect is the most common form of abuse seen and may have long-term effects. Neglect is failing to provide adequate food, clothing, shelter, supervision or medical care. Parents must provide adequate supervision, care, guidance and protection to keep children from physical or mental harm. Parents must also provide appropriate treatment for children's problems. Children will have minor injuries during childhood. When accidental injuries are frequent, they may be the result of neglect."

Children & Teens What is child abuse and neglect?

I think you used it in the proper terminology.
 
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