[Heartacher]

A few months ago my wife mentioned that a guy she had known at school had contacted her through her LinkedIn profile. She said she had been friends with his sister then and had gone out with him once, and wondered why he was contacting her. I wondered too. She showed me his email and eventually replied to him. I thought nothing much about it then, but from time to time she mentioned he had been in touch again and told me rough details about his emails. She even talked to him on FaceTime from our home while I was there. It all seemed OK. My wife's job takes her away from home and sometimes overseas from time to time for up to 2 weeks at a time and she is away at present. When she left she took her MacBook but forgot her iPad. She has always depended on me to keep her software updated and to sort out her IT problems as she is pretty useless with computers, so I took the opportunity to update her iPad software while she wasn't using it. While doing this I noticed she had an awful lot of emails in her box (she doesn't use the iPad for emails, but they were in "The Cloud" and appearing on the iPad) so I decided to see if I could tidy it up. To my surprise there were a lot of emails going back months between her and this guy - big long emails - mainly talking about what they were doing etc, but I was surprised to find he addressed her as My Dearest, or Dearest and signed off with Lots of Love xxx, and she in turn reciprocated in much the same manner. Furthermore he had been sending her music in his emails and she had been copying extracts of poetry to him in hers. There was no overtly sexual content but often very friendly content verging on the intimate. They had also exchanged information about family matters.
To say I was surprised would be an understatement, because although she didn't conceal the fact that they were occasionally in touch, she gave me no inkling of the frequency, content or degree of the contact.
I feel particularly sensitive about the issue because I caught her out in an affair with a co-worker 12 years ago when I accidentally came across suggestive texts on her cellphone. It took ages to get her to admit there was anything going on then , even when I could prove that they were texting several times every day, and I had to go to great lengths to get proof. We managed to sort that out and I regained my trust, but now I find her indulging in an online conversation with an old flame that she only tells me a few details about. Am I being overly suspicious? Is this what is described these days as "Emotional Infidelity"? How do I tackle the issue? I love her and I know she loves me, but I feel our marriage is becoming vulnerable now and I don't want to stand by and see it disintegrating.

 

[EllisRedding]

Sounds like an emotional affair that will most likely turn physical (if it hasn't at some point already), especially given her history.

Given she has cheated in the past, curious why you thought Facetime with a guy was in any way a good idea? Why would anyone think Facetiming with someone of the opposite sex was ok??? People do not share music, write poetry, sign "Lots of Love" with random people unless there is something else there.

If she loves you she would have never let this guy in her life in the first place, especially after cheating on you already. She is cheating on you AGAIN.

 

[z_man]

To my surprise there were a lot of emails going back months between her and this guy - big long emails - mainly talking about what they were doing etc, but I was surprised to find he addressed her as My Dearest, or Dearest and signed off with Lots of Love xxx, and she in turn reciprocated in much the same manner. Furthermore he had been sending her music in his emails and she had been copying extracts of poetry to him in hers. There was no overtly sexual content but often very friendly content verging on the intimate. They had also exchanged information about family matters.

I feel particularly sensitive about the issue because I caught her out in an affair with a co-worker 12 years ago when I accidentally came across suggestive texts on her cellphone. It took ages to get her to admit there was anything going on then , even when I could prove that they were texting several times every day, and I had to go to great lengths to get proof. We managed to sort that out and I regained my trust, but now I find her indulging in an online conversation with an old flame that she only tells me a few details about. Am I being overly suspicious? Is this what is described these days as "Emotional Infidelity"? How do I tackle the issue? I love her and I know she loves me, but I feel our marriage is becoming vulnerable now and I don't want to stand by and see it disintegrating.

This qualifies as an emotional affair. You are not being "overly suspicious."


Printout all the damaging emails, order them in not so bad to wtf. Contact a lawyer and have divorce/separation papers drawn up and ready for her to sign. Get all the information you can on this guy, especially his wife/gf's contact info.

Set her down with the emails and the divorce papers and ask her to explain. As she DARVO's you, produce more damaging emails until she either leaves or admits.

She ends all contact with this guy and goes to counseling, or she signs the papers.


Decide were your boundary is for you staying married to this women.

Two times caught cheating, how much is enough?

 

[BlueWoman]

As I was reading my first thought was..."If you are uncomfortable with this, then that's all that matters. Tell your wife and she understand and pull back."

And then I read that she had an affair before...and this becomes a much bigger deal. You're wife has issues with appropriate marriage boundaries. Whether it's physical or not doesn't matter, she is being emotionally intimate with another man. Nip it in the bud. You are not over reacting.

 

[manfromlamancha]

Was her first affair physical ? How did you "sort it out" ? How was it left ? Did she ever face any consequences ?

And I agree with EllisReading - how can any kind of contact with any OM on FaceTime etc be OK with you given her past behaviour ?

 

[straightshooter]

You wife has already cheated on you with one OM.

Now she is having a relationship with another OM, and yes this is an EA? married women do not get to have secret relationships with other men, and 90% of this relationship has been a secret.

I hope you know where the hell this guy lives, and if he is within driving distance you better assume they have met up.

 

[EllisRedding]

And I agree with EllisReading - how can any kind of contact with any OM on FaceTime etc be OK with you given her past behaviour ?

I am still trying to wrap my head around this part. IDK, maybe I am alone in this thinking. I have complete trust of my wife, never had a reason to doubt her. If she ever asked to facetime some guy, not only would that not happen, but even asking for this would be a huge red flag that would likely head down an ugly road ... I'd probably throw on a wig and Facetime the guy as my wife just to f$ck with him as well lol.

Would anyone here think it appropriate for your SO to facetime an OS "friend"?

 

[Rowan]

To my surprise there were a lot of emails going back months between her and this guy - big long emails - mainly talking about what they were doing etc, but I was surprised to find he addressed her as My Dearest, or Dearest and signed off with Lots of Love xxx, and she in turn reciprocated in much the same manner. Furthermore he had been sending her music in his emails and she had been copying extracts of poetry to him in hers. There was no overtly sexual content but often very friendly content verging on the intimate. They had also exchanged information about family matters.

This sounds very much like the correspondence I have going currently with a man, via email and text and occasionally on the telephone. Nothing overtly sexual. Just loving, caring exchanges of ideas, feelings, pictures, music, etc. between us that allows us to keep in touch with one another and engaged in each other's lives.

That man is my boyfriend. Just as the man your wife is corresponding with is her boyfriend. I'm an unmarried woman, so me speaking this way to my boyfriend is a good thing. Do you think it's a good thing that your wife is speaking to her boyfriend that way? How about the fact that she's been lying to you about him and their relationship?

This is way past anything that might be deemed innocent. Your wife is having an affair - emotional or otherwise, who knows. The salient point is that she's cheating on you. Again.

 

[GusPolinski]

Eh... it's already there, which makes her a serial cheat.

When's the divorce?
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[TRy]

She said she had been friends with his sister then and had gone out with him once

To say I was surprised would be an understatement, because although she didn't conceal the fact that they were occasionally in touch, she gave me no inkling of the frequency, content or degree of the contact.

How do you know that she had gone out with him only “once” back before she met you? Just like she has downplayed her current contact with this other man (“OM”) in order to get you to be OK with her being in contact with him today, she would also want to downplay her past romantic relationship with him for the very same reason. Most couples have a boundary against keeping in contact with anyone that you have ever dated in the past. You need to enforce this common marital boundary and reasonable ask her to cut all contact with this OM immediately.

To my surprise there were a lot of emails going back months between her and this guy - big long emails - mainly talking about what they were doing etc, but I was surprised to find he addressed her as My Dearest, or Dearest and signed off with Lots of Love xxx, and she in turn reciprocated in much the same manner. Furthermore he had been sending her music in his emails and she had been copying extracts of poetry to him in hers. There was no overtly sexual content but often very friendly content verging on the intimate. They had also exchanged information about family matters.

These are the very same types of written conversations that I had with my wife before we were married and continue to have today, including the fact that we almost never talk about sex in our writings. These are not the types on conversations that a married person should be having with an opposite sex friend (“OSF”), especially an OSF that you have ever dated in the past. This is double true when you add in the fact that she has cheated on you in the past. Your wife knows this, which is why she has kept you in the dark on the extent of her developing intimate relationship with this OM. Again, demand full no contact with this OM. You need to also demand full transparency (including all passwords) without complaint going forward.

 

[alte Dame]

Sorry, but this is an affair. She knows it, too, or she wouldn't be downplaying it the way she is.

You should confront her and when she claims that they are 'just friends,' insist that she read 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass.

If the two of you want your marriage, she has to break off contact with him immediately and agree to complete transparency with you.

 

[Heartacher]

He seems to divide his time between Romania, UK & Ireland - nowhere near where we are at present, or where my wife travels to at present. I don't think there has been any actual physical meeting yet, although I am aware that it could happen if I do nothing.

 

[manfromlamancha]

Was her first affair physical ? How did you "sort it out" ? How was it left ? Did she ever face any consequences ?

And I agree with EllisReading - how can any kind of contact with any OM on FaceTime etc be OK with you given her past behaviour ?

So was her first affair physical and how did you deal with it ?

 

[Heartacher]

Was her first affair physical ? How did you "sort it out" ? How was it left ? Did she ever face any consequences ?

And I agree with EllisReading - how can any kind of contact with any OM on FaceTime etc be OK with you given her past behaviour ?

I caught her out the first time after months of monitoring her phone bills (which I managed to get online), planting a GPS device in her car and bugging her car. I eventually caught a sex-talk phone call from her to him and recorded it. She then admitted it had become a physical affair. I pushed her into getting a new job away from him - and in fact, in a different country to boot. We talked it through and she admitted it was the worst mistake she had ever made. We had no counselling though - perhaps we should have. It took a long time to rebuild trust, and I thought we had got there after 11-12 years!I bought all the books on the subject but she was very unwilling to read them.

 

[happy as a clam]

Serial cheater wife.

12 years ago?

And now today with the "old friend" from school???

Time to start sleuthing, checking cell phone records... and more importantly ask yourself, "Can I REALLY live like this?? Constantly checking over my shoulder with an adulterous wife (EA or PA, it's all the same!)...

Does it really matter if she f*cked him? All that really matters is she wants to.

Your trust for her is not warranted... she is not into YOU. She is into OTHER MEN.

Sorry you are here...

 

[TRy]

He seems to divide his time between Romania, UK & Ireland - nowhere near where we are at present, or where my wife travels to at present. I don't think there has been any actual physical meeting yet, although I am aware that it could happen if I do nothing.

And you know every time and everywhere he has traveled how? If he traveled to see your wife when she was traveling, do you really believe that either he or your wife would have told you? When your wife was in her last affair, did she and her lover tell you before you found out about the affair when and where they met each time?

 

[manfromlamancha]

This suggests that there may have been other "dalliances" in this 12 year period. She has never really been remorseful just sorry that she got caught! And yes - you caught her! She didn't feel sorry and confess on her own.

And the same for this time again. As I said, and who knows how many times in between.


I think you know what you need to do but are just putting it off because its hard to deal with.

 

[EllisRedding]

This suggests that there may have been other "dalliances" in this 12 year period. She has never really been remorseful just sorry that she got caught! And yes - you caught her! She didn't feel sorry and confess on her own.

And the same for this time again. As I said, and who knows how many times in between.


I think you know what you need to do but are just putting it off because its hard to deal with.

Yup, that is my sense as well. I would be shocked if she has not had any sort of affairs in between her first one 12 years ago and now.

Maybe she figured with this one by being "transparent" about this guy she could coax you into somehow letting your guard down? It still seems odd that she would have even mentioned anything to you in the first place.

 

[Heartacher]

Thanks so much for your replies. It has confirmed what I was pretty sure about i.e.that this was an emotional affair. I didn't think I was being paranoid or controlling and your responses have given me the confidence to proceed. I'm going to have to face her with this. I know it will be unpleasant, but I can't just do nothing.

 

[Heartacher]

And you know every time and everywhere he has traveled how? If he traveled to see your wife when she was traveling, do you really believe that either he or your wife would have told you? When your wife was in her last affair, did she and her lover tell you before you found out about the affair when and where they met each time?

You're quite right. I can't be sure. It's almost laughable but this guy has just got engaged to be married again (3rd time I believe - I wonder why his previous relationships broke down)