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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have lost faith in my wife's ability to do the right thing. She promised several times to "try" to "work" on our marriage, but she hasn't done anything yet other than not leave. I have made my case. I have done everything I can think of. I have even already lost 5 pounds (only 30 more to go!). I have appealed to her sense of honor, commitment, friendship, love, sentimentality, dignity, guilt, etc. I have said the same thing 100 different ways, but she still cannot accept responsibility for her own life. She broke our marriage. She can fix it. I have been a willing and dedicated participant since the day I met her. She refuses to believe that she can make all this work, and that she can make herself happy. She refuses to even try to believe. She thinks that maybe fate is telling us it wasn't meant to be, because otherwise wouldn't she want to try? She is lost, and it is tragic, and I don't want to give up, but I need to be able to live my life as well. I can't sleep, my work is being affected, and I am sure that sooner or later, my health will be impacted. Everyday I wonder if she will be home when I get there. Every night I go to bed wondering if this is our last night together.

She can't commit to a timeframe other than today for me. She is starting to convince herself that she doesn't even love me as a friend, because wouldn't a friend try to help another one out? She is so afraid of trying and putting in effort that she has resorted to telling herself that the last 10 years didn't even happen. She writes in a journal daily about how she is feeling (she tries to write it all in verse), and while I have respected her privacy, I can tell that all she writes about is how tragic her life is and how the only way out is to leave.

At any rate, how long do I keep trying? At what point do I cut my losses and start over? I know that an arbitrary time period doesn't mean anything. 2 weeks or 2 years doesn't matter if one of both has given up. How do I tell if she has given up entirely?
 

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It sounds as though rather than trying to work on the marriage as she said she would do, instead she is justifying getting out of it for her own happiness. It seems you've narrowed down the main issue to be passion in the bedroom & it sounds as though you've been fairly strong as a couple in other critical areas this is something she has been craving for a while. I have no idea how long you should keep trying, but I do think it's important that you feel you've done all you could so you don't have any regrets no matter which way it turns out. I also think you should try to focus on yourself...it's great you are going to the gym....I'd look at changing anything else that will make you feel better (hair, clothes, cologne) because I know for me I was feeling horrible on the inside so had to somewhat force it on the outside and it did help in my case. The other thing I would suggest is reading up on how to please a woman, get maxim or cosmo magazines...just read about different things that turn women on. Even if she's no longer willing to participate, it might make you feel more confident to have a few new ideas under your belt (no pun intended ;) ) You can talk all you want about how solid you have been in so many areas, but if she's not open to listen and does not want status quo (does not see anything changing on your end) it may be to no avail. If you do end up having to start over, the last thing you want to do is end up in this position again, so focus on what you think got you here and make sure with her or anyone else down the road, it won't get here again.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks Swedish. I all over the place when I try to decide when enough is enough because I still hope to be with her forever. I want that so badly for no good reason. She has done absolutely nothing to deserve my love and committment. At this point, the damage has been done. She has broken the relationship, and refuses to try to fix it. I will let her break it off when she feels ready to (or when I am settled on a new gameplan). I am going to use the time to get my life in order. There are assets that we have to prepare to split, a house to sell, etc. I am going to focus entirely on my body. I have been chubby since childhood and I am really psyched to try to see abs for the first time in my life. I think achieving that would do worlds for my confidence (and it couldn't hurt in the new relationship department if it comes to that).

The crappy part of the whole sex thing is that I have always had a very high success rate in physically pleasing my wife. We just lack the chemistry we once had. Sex (before we just stopped completely) did become mechanical after a while and I definitely know that we weren't connecting. I just didn't know how important it was to her because she never said anything. I'd love to be able to just shrug my shoulders and say oh well, but I am hurt and angry that the life I have been building for the last decade has basically evaporated in the last week.

Thank you for your continued support. I know I will make it, but it is going to be hard.
 

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I have no idea how long you should keep trying, but I do think it's important that you feel you've done all you could so you don't have any regrets no matter which way it turns out.
I also think you should try to focus on yourself

Swedish I think nailed these 2 points on the head. If there was a text book answer for how long to try -we wouldn't need all those self help books or therapists. But every situation is different & everyone's emotional reactions are different. There is text book "stages of dealing with loss" but that too - they say everyone has their own timetable & some go out of the "traditional" order. I think - just like - Swedish - as long as you feel that you have tried & exhausted all your options - then at that point you can feel comfortable making a decision.

The point about working on YOU - is also soooo important. One it is a way to rebuild your self- esteem after a blow of finding out about an affair. It will help you to love yourself, teach you respect of yourself & whether it is in this relationship if you continue or in a new one. YOu will better know yourself & therefore be able to know what will make you happy in this relationship or in your next. And to not let yourself settle for anything that doesn't make you happy. You deserve it!!
 

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I agree with them in that only you can decide when it is over but it almost sounds like you are waiting for her to leave. It may be she is pushing you away so you will leave. I read this thing about seperation that said the person who leaves has a lot of guilt which you can see in your post and maybe she wants you to be the ond to end it so she can avoid that guilt.

Something my frineds have recommended for me is to set up counseling and tell my husband. If he comes great and if not it will give me a chance to talk out my issues and try to find out what I want to do from there. That might help you. I also read that sometimes it helps to have professional help even if you know it is over to help navigate the divore. I wish you luck and my heart goes out to you. Trying to figure out if your marriage is over is a horrible question to have to ask yourself.
 
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