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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
...it seems like the right thing to do.
He has not stated that his goal is to save the marriage...and won't say it. Is this a bad sign?

He had an emotional affair that is now "on hold."

Have been married 12 mostly happy yrs.

He says it is not me, its him, and that he does not know what to do...he is profoundly un happy. Like a zombie.
 

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An affair that is on hold is an affair that is on going. Counseling is useless until he goes 100% no contact and ends the affair. Only then can you BEGIN to recover your marriage. Your husband is sitting on the fence and will do so as long as you let him.

You see your husband has lost interest in you and replaced you with another woman. Going to counseling is just a way for him to buy time so he can stay on the fence.

If you want to save your marriage then you will have to tell your husband that it's either the other woman or me and then be willing to follow through with divorce if he chooses the other woman.

Tell him you will NOT tolerate being plan B. Either ditch the OW now or you are gone. Don't give him a while to make the decision. He gets to decide RIGHT THEN AN THERE. His answer will determine your future. Get ready for divorce, it's coming. The sooner you start to divorce, the sooner you MAY get your husband back.

What you are doing right now is not working, time to change. The divorce can be stopped at any time before it's final so there should be NO FEAR on your part to proceed.

I recommend this post be moved to Coping with Infidelity. You are NOWHERE near reconciliation with his EA "on hold".
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I hear what you are saying. Question: I think (and he tells me) that what he is going through is not necessarily related to this particular woman. He was feeling bad before, and in a vulnerable state began to have feelings for her.

I think it could have been any woman that was close proximity (she's next door to him at work) and gave him attention.

So, it is not about another woman. It is about him getting what he needs out of his life, which includes our marriage.

I truly want him to be happy and am willing to give him some time to figure out what he wants. I am just not sure how much time that should be. I started to try and force a response out of hime but it is just not my nature and feels wrong to me.

(I think I am more open to the gray areas of life than the average bear, but don't want to hurt myself.)

If this information changes your perspective I would like to hear more.
 

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I think he needs to have IC. MC wont help both of you if he is feeling generally blah about his life overall.

This is a personal issue as its not about wanting to fix your marriage.
 

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Sounds like a typical guys line, "Its not about you, its about me", so let me go out and have sex with someone else while I figure this whole thing out.

I'd be stronger and kick him out of the house. Marriage counseling is not going to work for you. Once he is out of the house, think about the reasons why he is having the affair. Is he no longer attracted to you? Is there something about you that needs fixing? Find out what it is and put an action plan to fix yourself.

I would also instigate No Contact with him. Do not look like a desperate and pathetic woman. Nothing is worst than looking down and beat up. Get in shape, get yourself fixed up, have massages, go to the parlour, go out with friends. I can guarantee he will come back crawling and when he does you ask him "have you sorted yourself out?" and then you make the final decision whether or not you want him back.
 
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