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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I sent my wife an email asking her how she would feel about me going out tonight by myself or with a male friend after we get the kids off off to sleep. I told her I was thinking about doing something involving listening to music, dancing, karaoke.

She called me and said asked if I was trying to do harm to our marriage. She said that I am a married man with two small children. That I just can't play it by ear on a whim and decided to go out. That I was not a bachelor in my 20's. That week nights were not good for bar hopping. She said maybe you can go to a movie or to dinner with a friend. She said going out by myself would send the wrong message. And that people do that when there looking to meet someone.


That maybe I could go out on the weekend if I want to go to a bar with a male or some male friends as a group. She told me that she only goes out a couple times of year with friends/theatre friends (male and female) to activities like karaoke where there is drinking involved. She said don't you'd think I'd like to go out and have more fun? What kind of message would that send if she went out by herself and how would I feel about it. She said that's not were we are in our lives.

She said, "where are you even getting these ideas from?". Maybe you need a new therapist? She said that maybe she needed to talk to my therapist. I said that the idea was mine and did not come from my therapist or anyone else. I said she was welcome to come along to my appointment(s) and listen or participate to the extent she'd like to.

I told her that I am just trying to be happier and explore new things. I am trying to make our marriage a better one. She said explore something else rather than going to bars and the types of people you'll meet there.

She said that her volunteer/fun activity is work and doesn't involve drinking alchohol, and that she is hoping that it will lead to a paying job. That there isn't alchohol etc. etc. there in her activity. That she spends all day without much adult interaction as a stay at home home :scratchhead:seeing to the house and children and that it was her outlet.

I told her that if she wanted to go out by herself that I trusted her. I told her I decided that I wouldn't go out tonight. Maybe some other time. I didn't lose my cool and maintained my composure throughout the conversation.

What do you make of all this? To what extent do you agree with my wife or not? What's going through her mind? Doesn't this seem a bit controlling? Playing Monday night quarterback how do you think I might have better handled the situation.

Thanks.
 

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I sent my wife an email asking her how she would feel about me going out tonight by myself or with a male friend after we get the kids off off to sleep. I told her I was thinking about doing something involving listening to music, dancing, karaoke.

She called me and said asked if I was trying to do harm to our marriage. She said that I am a married man with two small children. That I just can't play it by ear on a whim and decided to go out.
Coming from my wife, it would perhaps be a debatable point, although I'd argue that it was perfectly valid to get some personal time and/or reconnect with other men.

Coming from your wife, who wants to move to Hollywood for months (at least) to try to kindle some kind of acting career, it's laughable.

EDIT: I see this is your first post. I think I've mistaken you for a poster with a similar name.
 

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Maybe more notice in advance? If you're going out with a friend, then thats not by yourself.

How about you and your wife arrange a date night for the two of you or with another couple and get some one to watch the kids
 

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I'll chime in --

I have been cheated on in the past but have always acknowledged the fact that my new significiant other is not the same person. I will not and cannot punish him for bad acts of other people. If my new SO decides to go through with a bad act then he will pay the consequences. OK, I digress, sorry --

I don't understand your wife's reasoning about not being able to go to a bar during the week but it would be ok if you went on the weekends. If anything, that is where the most trouble happens. No work the next day, tons of young peeps out flaunting their stuff, etc. And if her idea of a good time is going to the movie theater than great! Good for her! But you have other ideas about what you like and if that is having a few drinks watching people sing songs they have no business singing then I don't see anything wrong with that.

It's so important for spouses to have interests outside of marriage. It is healthy to have that independence. It is also healthy to have a wife that trusts you until you give her a reason not to.

Just my two cents......
 

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listen if going out and drinking a beer or two once in a while is important to you then put your foot down and say too bad I'm going out. see ya when I get home or not. if you continue to act like my mother!

she sounds very controling and degrading the way she comunicates with you. people will treat you the way you let them.
 

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I think your first mistake was ASKING her for permission. That opened the door for her to control you. What you do is tell her you need time with friends then make the plans and go. This can be done in love, kindness, respect with adequate notice, in balance, etc. Read No More Mr. Nice Guy for better explanations about how to reclaim your independent side and how to tell your wife.

I completely agree with Chilly she's your wife not your mother.
 

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I think I would be bothered at the idea of "by your self" but not so much with friend.(as long as the friend was a decent guy and not the type to be interested in wife bashing).Also my "alarm bells" right or wrong would be curious why you just "decided" that spur of the moment and it was an unusual request.At the least I would wonder if you were bored with me or getting stir crazy etc..I would probably go with you(get a sitter) and have a good time..if I couldnt get a sitter on that short notice makes plans to go in the near future.
 

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I think I would be bothered at the idea of "by your self"

At the least I would wonder if you were bored with me or getting stir crazy etc..
Why? Lots of people need alone time and it has NOTHING to do with being bored or going stir crazy. :scratchhead:

I LOVE my alone time and I LOVE my husband. Can't I do both without him taking it personally?
 

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I think going out on occassion is fine, but I think the way you handled it or maybe came across to her, sent off alarms in her head possibly. For one thing this statement below was probably not the best way to word that.

"I told her that I am just trying to be happier and explore new things. I am trying to make our marriage a better one."

Maybe to her going out with a friend to a bar doesn't sound like its making the marriage better. I would suggest that since you are seeing a therapist, ask them their opinion and see what they have to say.
 

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Oh but I will agree with Chilly Morn..her "tone" if you realyed it correctly seems a bit condescnening and judmental.Like she is the "mature superior " one and you are the silly childish one that does't know right from wrong that her way is the only way as well.

I remember this woman told me one time..That after children ..and ESPECIALLY after 30 a mature woman does not wear tight fitting jeans.(of course I was wearing tight fitting jeans + heals LOL)..I chalked it up to my size 3 figure after 3 children and her insecurities even though she was/is still actually drop dead gorgeous.Funny she is about 46 now..Wears tight fitting jeans LOL!!!Point is she was talking to me like I was morally inferior..and that this "rule" SHE had in her head was just a plain FACT..So I wasnt a "mature woman" is what she was saying..and somehow a bad "mother"..
 

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Why? Lots of people need alone time and it has NOTHING to do with being bored or going stir crazy. :scratchhead:

I LOVE my alone time and I LOVE my husband. Can't I do both without him taking it personally?
Really what I mean by that if its "out of the blue" ..ya know a change in the norm..Alone time is one thing..alone time in a bar on a dance floor singing on a stage???If that is this "sudden" desire..I would worry about maybe they are getting bored with me(or just life)..or stir crazy...

Its the kind of "new behavior' in mid life that might indicate a problem ..MIGHT I say not always is...
 

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Weeknight bar-hoping?

Yeah - by itself I agree. Bad idea, as a routine.

However - this little dramatic event is cast against a constellation of dysfunction. You guys have alot more going on than simply her not wanting you to go out drinking at night.

Maybe you should get a babysitter and try and spend a little time together and make sure you both are rowing in the same direction. Once you both are more comfortable and you build that trust back up - yeah - then hanging out at a bar with your buds may not seem so threatening if you are not coming home hammered. It can be a good thing - it can be a bad thing.
 

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Do you go out dancing with your wife?

I, too would not be happy if my husband told me he wanted to go out to karaoke, or listen to music without me...especially after I've been home all day with small children.

Marriages need to be nourished, by spending quality time together.
GNO'S/BNO's + dancing + alcohol are not good for a marriage. Read Eric's thread...another divorce on the horizon that started with Girls night out.
 

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I LOVE my alone time and I LOVE my husband. Can't I do both without him taking it personally?
You go to bars alone (the kind with dance floors and karaoke) at night after the kids go to sleep?That sounds more like "partying at night without your spouse in a nightclub" than "alone time".

Exception? If he was one of those that karoake was a serious "hobby" (say like bowling ?) ..and I didn't always feel like going?Yeah I can see that..but this sounds "random"..I need some alone time honey...so I think I will around 9PM..go to this club (by myself) and drink and dance and sing ..be home around 1 dont wait up!I think it will be good for our marriage for me to go party without you Oh and alone too...maybe we have different kinds of nightclubs around Dallas..
 

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I would not care if you went out....if I got to do the same. Tell her that she will be able to do the same on a night of her choosing. If she chooses not to then that's her fault. I think its healthy to have a date night with yourself no matter what you do as long as it doesn't involve sleeping with others. I also think that you should have date night together. But always remember "What's good for the goose..." IS ALWAYS "...good for the Gander."
 

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She called me and said asked if I was trying to do harm to our marriage. I Agree. She said that I am a married man with two small children. That I just can't play it by ear on a whim and decided to go out. That I was not a bachelor in my 20's. Can't argue with the truth. That week nights were not good for bar hopping. Married people + bar hopping = temptations. She said maybe you can go to a movie or to dinner with a friend. Excellent compromise. She said going out by myself would send the wrong message. And that people do that when there looking to meet someone. She's a smart cookie.

She said don't you'd think I'd like to go out and have more fun? What kind of message would that send if she went out by herself and how would I feel about it. She has another excellent point. Yes, you trust her, but it's best to avoid the slippery slope.

I told her that I am just trying to be happier and explore new things. I am trying to make our marriage a better one. By going out alone, dancing & karaoke? Please explain your logic to me. She said explore something else rather than going to bars and the types of people you'll meet there. I completely agree with her.

What do you make of all this? I think she is trying to protect the marriage. To what extent do you agree with my wife or not? 100% agree. What's going through her mind? She's worried you are looking for excitement, a new thrill...and excluding her.Doesn't this seem a bit controlling? No. Playing Monday night quarterback how do you think I might have better handled the situation. By putting yourself in her shoes, and consider her viewpoint.

Thanks.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Well, I go to work all day and when she is doing her volunteer activity; I end up watching the kids about 3 hours give or take an hour at least three days a week, and sometimes three days during the week and Saturdays as well as Sunday for part of the day.

This activity can be as much as six months a year depending on how involved she is. At least she enjoys her advocation. I feel like its more important than me. She harps on me about not having adult interaction. I understand that, but she does get it, and even if her activity is hard work, it is her choice; she could do any activity she wanted to. She's made a lot of friends, and I am happy for that. My my own choice, I haven't done anything for myself for at least two years now. I thought I was doing the "right thing" by making myself accessable to my children and being at home as much as I could since I am away from up to 12 hours a day between commuting and working. I just doesn't feel like there's much left for me. I've really discovered what being a nice guy is. I really have put muy wife's happiness before my own.
 

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Also you said this is "exploring new things".Did you never go out dancing and drinking before now?Did you skip the whole club scene in your youth so this will all be new for you?

For me ..what you are describing would be"re exploring old things" LOL!! Maybe thats where my thinking comes from..been there done that ..A LOT..(and WITH my husband too)..
 

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I just doesn't feel like there's much left for me. I've really discovered what being a nice guy is. I really have put muy wife's happiness before my own.
Then you need to tell her that.But how do you think it would "help" your marriage to go out partying and drinking and dancing in a nightclub?What is "there for you "?I mean do you miss dancing "alone" drinking "alone" and singing " alone" that much?
 
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