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18 Posts
This is my second marriage. First time around, I married too young and married an abuser. He was my childhood sweetheart, we did everything together, school, college, work, etc. everything. We were joined at the hips. Our dating life had its ups and downs. Our marriage... well it went down pretty fast. It lasted all of 6 months. He wanted total control of me; who I talk to, who I see, what I do with my money, etc. He was frightening when angry; threatening physical abuse, kicking me out of his house, etc. Now I wonder if I deserved that anger? Could I have done something to make him not that angry? Could I have tried harder to keep him happy? We had a LOT of good times before we got married...honestly, a lot. We were together since we were kids. He was my first and last bf. I felt I did my best during our marriage, but now I'm second guessing myself. Did I do enough? Should I have been more affectionate towards him despite how he and his family behaved to me? I feel I was young and stupid, but when I think back in detail, I don't know what I could have done differently. Anyways.. that's just a bit of background on me.
After my divorce I stayed away from relationships completely. I wouldn't even talk to men besides when I absolutely had to (work, friends bfs/husbands at social gatherings, etc). Fast fwd 7 years, I started talking long distance to this guy. The only reason I talked to him is to make my family happy. They didn't want to see me alone and lonely, so they introduced me to him. It was entirely long distance (he was was "studying" in another country), which is why I even bothered to talk to him. I knew all I had to do was hang up the phone to get rid of him. Right around that time I learned my ex got married. I realize now that it was a late 'rebound' reaction that made me do it, but I suddenly started investing more of myself into this long distance relationship and finally I got married too (5 months after my ex got married. Coincidence?)
My husband isn't abusive, isn't controlling, is very understanding and a very nice guy most of the time. He has his down days / mean days, but we all do. And his mean days don't cross any limits and aren't (so far) deal breaker meanness so I"m not holding that against him. Before getting married I knew that he had done BA Hons in English and he was working on his Masters degree in another country. After marriage I learned that he hardly attended classes... and I learned exactly what level his English was at.
Before we got married he showed himself to be a hardworking guy. He had two jobs, supporting himself and paying off his loans.
Now, I know I have a lot of resentment towards him, and here's why. First of all, because of him wanting to save money, my entire family and I flew to where he was "studying" so we could marry there. That country's laws didn't permit us to register the marriage, and the lawyers we contacted in that country didn't know of the law as it was so new. Long story short I spent an entire year investigating, gathering papers from 3 different countries (my country, his studying country and his country of origin), staying up all hours of the night to talk to lawyers and government officials in different countries (different time zones) and spending a ton of money gathering papers and traveling back and forth between our countries until finally I got the marriage registered. This may not be relevant but after spending one whole year working on this, on the registration day where we signed the legal papers in front of a judge..he gave me NOTHING. Absolutely nothing. Not even flowers. I know this seems petty but i wasn't expecting that. It's one of those "small straws" that break the camels back. To make matters worse, the judge asked him his name, he answered with his home address, the judge asked for his father's name, he answered with my name, etc. I was humiliated. The judge actually looked at me and asked me if I want to marry him. The judge asked for rings, I had to translate to him, and then translate back to the judge that my husband has nothing to give me on our wedding day that I worked one year to get. He did absolutely nothing to help with registering the marriage. At the time I thought he was busy working and paying off his loans (I work full time too btw). Now I know better; he likes to depend on me for each and every tiny little thing, and he doesn't know and doesn't know how to figure out...well, anything.
Let's recap the ring a bit. I gave him a beautiful (if I do say so myself) two-tonal stainless steel ring studded with diamonds. Because we were in different countries, I couldn't go and pick my ring with him. I showed him pictures of rings I found online which were CHEAP (within $150) but nice looking rings from stores near him. He told me I should buy my own ring and he will pay me back. I picked a ring that matched the one I got him (girl version). He loved it. It was really cheap too (for a diamond!). It cost about $450-ish. I showed him the picture and the price, he okay'ed it. When I was at the store I called him. He not only OK'ed it he encouraged me to find a "better" more expensive ring because this is my wedding ring, something I'll wear forever. I didn't look for anything more expensive because I didn't want this to be a burden on him. I actually called him THREE times from the store because I wanted to be absolutely sure he was ok with the price since he said he'll pay me back for it. Anyways, closer to the wedding date (not the registration date) he tells me that the ring I chose is too expensive, what will his family think if he spends that sort of money on me, etc and basically he will buy me another ring. I'm sorry if this sounds mean and gold-digger-ish, but he bought me the tinest ring I've ever seen. I doubt if the ring was worth over $50. And that's not even the point. The point is he gave me his word that the ring I'm buying for myself will be from him, he'll pay me back for it, and even encouraged me to spend more money on a better ring. After I got the ring and the time to return it passed he told me that its too expense and "what will my family thing if I buy you a ring that expense", etc. Anyways that ring was for the actual "wedding" which we couldn't register (I realized we couldn't register it once we were already in his country about to get married). I then spent a year gathering everything and on the registration day (which the judge pointed out was our wedding day)... well on the registration day he came empty handed. He didn't even get me flowers.
Fast forward to now. I had to sponsor him (again, more sleepless nights, and a lot more money) and he's finally here. He's been here for about two years now. I got him a job at a restaurant when he got here. Since then, he has not sufficiently tried to get himself a better job, and he doesn't want to enroll in an English course because he doesn't feel he needs to learn the language. He wants to get a "white collar" office job, but he has absolutely no qualifications or experience to backup this want. He can't even write English, so it's not like I can use my connections to hook him up with a data entry job. His comprehension and writing abilities is very poor. Honestly my own ethics stops me from helping him here; there are people who actually went to school and worked hard to get the entry level jobs he wants handed to him.
I've been pushing him to enroll in an English class since he got here. He thinks his English is good enough (recall he kept misunderstanding everything the marriage judge was saying). I found him a few certificate programs that are in the field he wants to get into that incorporate co-op placement. This way he'll get the education and the experience. He needed to pass high school English in order get into any of the programs. He had a few months to study. He "studied" by writing on the newspaper article the stories written on the articles. Yes, you read that correctly. He would copy onto the newspaper stories that were written in the newspaper. I don't mean he would write editorials on the articles, I mean he would copy the articles word for word. I asked him why and he said he was practicing his handwriting. I assured him that no one would fail him because of bad handwriting, I encouraged him to write essays and offered to read and mark them every night. None of what I said helped.
I called the examination board and found out what's going to be on the test. I even got websites of sample test questions from them (some multiple choice comprehension questions and one essay) which I had him do. He wouldn't understand the multiple choice questions, rather he would want me to tell him the answers so he could memorize it. It's like he just didn't understand that he's supposed to understand the questions, not memorize the answers. The whole test is about comprehension, not his ability to memorize. I wrote essays and showed him how to write essays. I sat him down and explained the most simplistic forms of essay writing and gave him topics and asked him to write essays for me telling him that I would grade them and help him improve. After much nagging, he "wrote" one essay. I read the first sentence (free of grammatical and spelling errors), googled the first sentence and found the whole essay online, word for word. Anyways... so he gave the test and failed, and he didn't get to enroll in any of the programs. He got angry at the institute, blaming them for taking his money (the test cost $50). It's like he doesn't realize the institute took his $50, tested him and determined that he won't be able to keep up with the class (which costs several thousand $) so really they saved him money. One thing I've realized with him, it's always everyone else's fault, never his own.
Since failing that test, after a lot of nagging, he enrolled in a free English course. He went for a few days, and he's given that up too. Apparently the course went into summer break, and mid-September he got a call from the teacher asking if he's going to resume classes or not. I couldn't tell you what they actually said because as I mentioned he's prone to misunderstand, but he understood it to mean that does he want to continue with the class or should they remove his name from their list. He had his name removed from attendance. He was angry with this institute (that provided FREE classes btw) because they didn't call to tell him when class was starting. I told him that it's the students responsibility to find out when classes start, teachers don't hunt students down to babysit them and make them come to class. Anyways, so he's not enrolled in the free English class either. I found him a free online course in introductory business. The class is amazing, if I do say so myself. Every week covers different topics, has extensive video lectures, study notes, and a great forum of classmates who discuss the materials, not to mention a very involved professor and TAs (I can't believe its free!). He was upset that he couldn't find a "proper" job, and since he was upset he quit that free business course too after only doing a week or two. I do have connections that could help him find an entry level job if he was qualified!! He refuses to do anything to get qualified! He wants everything just handed to him!!
Now he still wants an entry level office job, and he hasn't done a thing to improve his English writing / comprehension skills. He's still at the restaurant job I got him, and I don't know what he did to piss them off but they're giving him the barest minimum of hours. He works perhaps 2, max 3 days a week, and even then not 8 hours a day. He complains when he gets good hours a day, he complains when he gets no hours. If his work calls him on short notice to pick up a sick persons shift, he either refuses, or goes but lectures them to give him advance notice, or doesn't pick up their phone call. He wants me to give him an office job. He insists he can do the office job and thinks that I'm just putting him down when I tell him to improve his English. I introduced him to some of my coworkers and managers, and he managed to botch that up completely. He remained mute the entire time, saying "yep" and "nope" to anything they asked him. I actually had two coworkers from different departments ask me if he's very shy at home too or perhaps he doesn't understand our English accent because when they asked him a question he didn't say anything more than "yep". I'm very outgoing and I'm not at all easy to embarrass. Having said that, I've never been more embarrassed in my whole entire life.
I pay for everything, obviously. He is broke, he has no qualifications and he's not trying to get qualified. He wants an entry level "white collar" office job position handed to him which he is completely not qualified or even able to do. His family back home needs money and they tell me about their needs constantly. I found him a lot of "blue collar" jobs (cleaning, construction, etc) which had great hours (40 hours a week) and good rates considering the circumstances (avg 14/hr). He didn't even apply. He refuses to do those jobs. He works in a restaurant and complains that it's so hard. He used to get better hours at this job but he refused to work nights, and I guess he managed to piss his bosses off on more levels than one, they've almost completely docked his hours. A friend of mine is one of his bosses and I think it's because of our friendship that he's still employed.
I work at least 40 hours a week, if not more. I graduated and have been working in my field for almost ten years (since co-op days). I'm also enrolled as a full time student at university, studying something completely different because I want to switch fields. So I'm working full time, studying full time (don't even ask how), paying for my studies out of my pocket (no loans!), and supporting our expenses (rent, bills, groceries, etc.). I know marriage is about forever through good and bad, rich and poor. I'm not resenting that I have to support him now, but I wish he would do something to help himself so he at least has a chance to support himself sometime in the future!!!
Before we got married he was full of BIG talks. He wants to support the family, he thinks its a husbands job and privilege to take care of his wife and family, etc etc. At the time I was impressed by his ambition and ethics. Now I realize that he's just full of big talk and no follow through actions. He's not only like this with me; he's like that with his family too. He hoisted a huge financial burden on his family telling them that they should do it and he will send money to help and he never sent a penny. Now they're stuck with the responsibility and the financial burden without the help he promised.
I stumbled across my ex's blog. He seems so happy with his wife. They seem so much in love. They vacation several times a year, he takes her shopping at brand name stores. I'm here struggling to pay my bills with a husband who doesn't even try to learn English. I invested and enjoyed so many years with my ex. We obviously had bad times, which became extremely horrible after we married which is why we split up after such a short haul.
Nowadays I can't seem to get over my past memories. I remember how we (ex and I) would go on long drives, he would surprise me and take me to different provinces, we would go out every day, eat out every week, go watch the latest movies, etc (before being married of course). I miss those times like its a physical ache. I feel extremely hopeless and helpless, and so very alone. I will never have that again. I will never ever have a partner buy me a birthday gift (my first bday with husband he gave me a $1 card with the sticker still on it, second birthday he gave me a potted plant), I'll never have a partner surprise me with a trip or even movies, or even a night out where I don't have to pay. I will never have that what I took so much for granted. I feel so embarrassed of him. I introduced him to my coworkers, some of whom are my closest friends, and I've never felt more embarrassed in my life. I feel so alone. If something happens at work, I have no one with whom I can share and who will actually understand. If I face a challenge with my classes, I have no one to talk it over with.
I'm so disappointed in him that I don't feel that I love him anymore. We don't have sex; I feel cheap to be physical with a guy who I'm so utterly disappointed in. What is wrong with me? Is it my looks? Am I so ugly that any guy who's with me falls short one way or another? Are my expectations too high? My ex was abusive, as I mentioned he would threaten physical harm, kick me out of his house in the middle of the night on several occasions, was extremely verbally abusive to my family and me, etc. Now he's perfectly happy with his wife. I invested ten years of my life in him to end up abused, disillusioned and divorced, but he's giving the best of himself to the new girl. Even the job he has, he has because of me. I not only hooked him up with the job but when our mutual boss was about to fire him, I begged her not to, and she told me that against her better judgement she didn't. I miss him so much. My husband is unmotivated and honestly, not trustworthy because he talks big and never delivers (e.g. the wedding ring). He says he'll do things, even the smallest thing, and doesn't do it.
Most of all, he needs me to hold his hand through everything. He told me that he wants me to sit him down everyday, make him read a few pages from a book, and then make him write a page or two. This broke my heart. I guess its unreasonable of me but this really broke my heart. Since that conversation I feel so emotionally distance from him. It's like, I felt alone and 'on my own' before, but him saying that I need to hand-hold him like that just confirmed how utterly alone in this relationship I am. What has my life come to that I need to hand-hold a 30something year old man and teach him the ABC's. I'm a bit of an academic overachiever and my ex was extremely smart. He was always my biggest competitor and biggest helper in school / college. If I needed anything, like help with school work, needing to go anywhere, buying a car, selling something, etc. anything at all, he was there for me. And I hope he felt that I was there for him the same way.
I know I shouldn't compare, but I can't help comparing between the two. What is wrong with me? Why can't I be enough for the men in my life? The past is past, but is there anything I can do to help my current situation?
I don't want to leave my husband, I don't even want to consider divorce. That's not even an option. I'm in my 20s, I don't want a second failed marriage. I want to help our marriage. What can I do? I want to be in love with my husband, I want to respect him and trust him. How? Am I just one of those people that's never happy? I'm not meant to be in a relationship? What's wrong with me???
Ps. Sorry about the huge post and my incoherent ramblings. I am both physically and emotionally exhausted (studying, working, and this...). I have midterms in two days. I feel so utterly and extremely alone. I have to be the decision maker for EACH and EVERY thing. He stays home all day and I have to call and tell him to put rice on the cooker so I have food when I get home, he doesn't do that by himself. Is he depressed? God knows I'm depressed. Maybe depression is a medical term and doesn't apply here. I'm just miserable and feeling completely alone and hopeless. Hense my rambling incoherence. I hope through it all I've managed to convey my situation and ask my question.
Thank you in advance!
After my divorce I stayed away from relationships completely. I wouldn't even talk to men besides when I absolutely had to (work, friends bfs/husbands at social gatherings, etc). Fast fwd 7 years, I started talking long distance to this guy. The only reason I talked to him is to make my family happy. They didn't want to see me alone and lonely, so they introduced me to him. It was entirely long distance (he was was "studying" in another country), which is why I even bothered to talk to him. I knew all I had to do was hang up the phone to get rid of him. Right around that time I learned my ex got married. I realize now that it was a late 'rebound' reaction that made me do it, but I suddenly started investing more of myself into this long distance relationship and finally I got married too (5 months after my ex got married. Coincidence?)
My husband isn't abusive, isn't controlling, is very understanding and a very nice guy most of the time. He has his down days / mean days, but we all do. And his mean days don't cross any limits and aren't (so far) deal breaker meanness so I"m not holding that against him. Before getting married I knew that he had done BA Hons in English and he was working on his Masters degree in another country. After marriage I learned that he hardly attended classes... and I learned exactly what level his English was at.
Before we got married he showed himself to be a hardworking guy. He had two jobs, supporting himself and paying off his loans.
Now, I know I have a lot of resentment towards him, and here's why. First of all, because of him wanting to save money, my entire family and I flew to where he was "studying" so we could marry there. That country's laws didn't permit us to register the marriage, and the lawyers we contacted in that country didn't know of the law as it was so new. Long story short I spent an entire year investigating, gathering papers from 3 different countries (my country, his studying country and his country of origin), staying up all hours of the night to talk to lawyers and government officials in different countries (different time zones) and spending a ton of money gathering papers and traveling back and forth between our countries until finally I got the marriage registered. This may not be relevant but after spending one whole year working on this, on the registration day where we signed the legal papers in front of a judge..he gave me NOTHING. Absolutely nothing. Not even flowers. I know this seems petty but i wasn't expecting that. It's one of those "small straws" that break the camels back. To make matters worse, the judge asked him his name, he answered with his home address, the judge asked for his father's name, he answered with my name, etc. I was humiliated. The judge actually looked at me and asked me if I want to marry him. The judge asked for rings, I had to translate to him, and then translate back to the judge that my husband has nothing to give me on our wedding day that I worked one year to get. He did absolutely nothing to help with registering the marriage. At the time I thought he was busy working and paying off his loans (I work full time too btw). Now I know better; he likes to depend on me for each and every tiny little thing, and he doesn't know and doesn't know how to figure out...well, anything.
Let's recap the ring a bit. I gave him a beautiful (if I do say so myself) two-tonal stainless steel ring studded with diamonds. Because we were in different countries, I couldn't go and pick my ring with him. I showed him pictures of rings I found online which were CHEAP (within $150) but nice looking rings from stores near him. He told me I should buy my own ring and he will pay me back. I picked a ring that matched the one I got him (girl version). He loved it. It was really cheap too (for a diamond!). It cost about $450-ish. I showed him the picture and the price, he okay'ed it. When I was at the store I called him. He not only OK'ed it he encouraged me to find a "better" more expensive ring because this is my wedding ring, something I'll wear forever. I didn't look for anything more expensive because I didn't want this to be a burden on him. I actually called him THREE times from the store because I wanted to be absolutely sure he was ok with the price since he said he'll pay me back for it. Anyways, closer to the wedding date (not the registration date) he tells me that the ring I chose is too expensive, what will his family think if he spends that sort of money on me, etc and basically he will buy me another ring. I'm sorry if this sounds mean and gold-digger-ish, but he bought me the tinest ring I've ever seen. I doubt if the ring was worth over $50. And that's not even the point. The point is he gave me his word that the ring I'm buying for myself will be from him, he'll pay me back for it, and even encouraged me to spend more money on a better ring. After I got the ring and the time to return it passed he told me that its too expense and "what will my family thing if I buy you a ring that expense", etc. Anyways that ring was for the actual "wedding" which we couldn't register (I realized we couldn't register it once we were already in his country about to get married). I then spent a year gathering everything and on the registration day (which the judge pointed out was our wedding day)... well on the registration day he came empty handed. He didn't even get me flowers.
Fast forward to now. I had to sponsor him (again, more sleepless nights, and a lot more money) and he's finally here. He's been here for about two years now. I got him a job at a restaurant when he got here. Since then, he has not sufficiently tried to get himself a better job, and he doesn't want to enroll in an English course because he doesn't feel he needs to learn the language. He wants to get a "white collar" office job, but he has absolutely no qualifications or experience to backup this want. He can't even write English, so it's not like I can use my connections to hook him up with a data entry job. His comprehension and writing abilities is very poor. Honestly my own ethics stops me from helping him here; there are people who actually went to school and worked hard to get the entry level jobs he wants handed to him.
I've been pushing him to enroll in an English class since he got here. He thinks his English is good enough (recall he kept misunderstanding everything the marriage judge was saying). I found him a few certificate programs that are in the field he wants to get into that incorporate co-op placement. This way he'll get the education and the experience. He needed to pass high school English in order get into any of the programs. He had a few months to study. He "studied" by writing on the newspaper article the stories written on the articles. Yes, you read that correctly. He would copy onto the newspaper stories that were written in the newspaper. I don't mean he would write editorials on the articles, I mean he would copy the articles word for word. I asked him why and he said he was practicing his handwriting. I assured him that no one would fail him because of bad handwriting, I encouraged him to write essays and offered to read and mark them every night. None of what I said helped.
I called the examination board and found out what's going to be on the test. I even got websites of sample test questions from them (some multiple choice comprehension questions and one essay) which I had him do. He wouldn't understand the multiple choice questions, rather he would want me to tell him the answers so he could memorize it. It's like he just didn't understand that he's supposed to understand the questions, not memorize the answers. The whole test is about comprehension, not his ability to memorize. I wrote essays and showed him how to write essays. I sat him down and explained the most simplistic forms of essay writing and gave him topics and asked him to write essays for me telling him that I would grade them and help him improve. After much nagging, he "wrote" one essay. I read the first sentence (free of grammatical and spelling errors), googled the first sentence and found the whole essay online, word for word. Anyways... so he gave the test and failed, and he didn't get to enroll in any of the programs. He got angry at the institute, blaming them for taking his money (the test cost $50). It's like he doesn't realize the institute took his $50, tested him and determined that he won't be able to keep up with the class (which costs several thousand $) so really they saved him money. One thing I've realized with him, it's always everyone else's fault, never his own.
Since failing that test, after a lot of nagging, he enrolled in a free English course. He went for a few days, and he's given that up too. Apparently the course went into summer break, and mid-September he got a call from the teacher asking if he's going to resume classes or not. I couldn't tell you what they actually said because as I mentioned he's prone to misunderstand, but he understood it to mean that does he want to continue with the class or should they remove his name from their list. He had his name removed from attendance. He was angry with this institute (that provided FREE classes btw) because they didn't call to tell him when class was starting. I told him that it's the students responsibility to find out when classes start, teachers don't hunt students down to babysit them and make them come to class. Anyways, so he's not enrolled in the free English class either. I found him a free online course in introductory business. The class is amazing, if I do say so myself. Every week covers different topics, has extensive video lectures, study notes, and a great forum of classmates who discuss the materials, not to mention a very involved professor and TAs (I can't believe its free!). He was upset that he couldn't find a "proper" job, and since he was upset he quit that free business course too after only doing a week or two. I do have connections that could help him find an entry level job if he was qualified!! He refuses to do anything to get qualified! He wants everything just handed to him!!
Now he still wants an entry level office job, and he hasn't done a thing to improve his English writing / comprehension skills. He's still at the restaurant job I got him, and I don't know what he did to piss them off but they're giving him the barest minimum of hours. He works perhaps 2, max 3 days a week, and even then not 8 hours a day. He complains when he gets good hours a day, he complains when he gets no hours. If his work calls him on short notice to pick up a sick persons shift, he either refuses, or goes but lectures them to give him advance notice, or doesn't pick up their phone call. He wants me to give him an office job. He insists he can do the office job and thinks that I'm just putting him down when I tell him to improve his English. I introduced him to some of my coworkers and managers, and he managed to botch that up completely. He remained mute the entire time, saying "yep" and "nope" to anything they asked him. I actually had two coworkers from different departments ask me if he's very shy at home too or perhaps he doesn't understand our English accent because when they asked him a question he didn't say anything more than "yep". I'm very outgoing and I'm not at all easy to embarrass. Having said that, I've never been more embarrassed in my whole entire life.
I pay for everything, obviously. He is broke, he has no qualifications and he's not trying to get qualified. He wants an entry level "white collar" office job position handed to him which he is completely not qualified or even able to do. His family back home needs money and they tell me about their needs constantly. I found him a lot of "blue collar" jobs (cleaning, construction, etc) which had great hours (40 hours a week) and good rates considering the circumstances (avg 14/hr). He didn't even apply. He refuses to do those jobs. He works in a restaurant and complains that it's so hard. He used to get better hours at this job but he refused to work nights, and I guess he managed to piss his bosses off on more levels than one, they've almost completely docked his hours. A friend of mine is one of his bosses and I think it's because of our friendship that he's still employed.
I work at least 40 hours a week, if not more. I graduated and have been working in my field for almost ten years (since co-op days). I'm also enrolled as a full time student at university, studying something completely different because I want to switch fields. So I'm working full time, studying full time (don't even ask how), paying for my studies out of my pocket (no loans!), and supporting our expenses (rent, bills, groceries, etc.). I know marriage is about forever through good and bad, rich and poor. I'm not resenting that I have to support him now, but I wish he would do something to help himself so he at least has a chance to support himself sometime in the future!!!
Before we got married he was full of BIG talks. He wants to support the family, he thinks its a husbands job and privilege to take care of his wife and family, etc etc. At the time I was impressed by his ambition and ethics. Now I realize that he's just full of big talk and no follow through actions. He's not only like this with me; he's like that with his family too. He hoisted a huge financial burden on his family telling them that they should do it and he will send money to help and he never sent a penny. Now they're stuck with the responsibility and the financial burden without the help he promised.
I stumbled across my ex's blog. He seems so happy with his wife. They seem so much in love. They vacation several times a year, he takes her shopping at brand name stores. I'm here struggling to pay my bills with a husband who doesn't even try to learn English. I invested and enjoyed so many years with my ex. We obviously had bad times, which became extremely horrible after we married which is why we split up after such a short haul.
Nowadays I can't seem to get over my past memories. I remember how we (ex and I) would go on long drives, he would surprise me and take me to different provinces, we would go out every day, eat out every week, go watch the latest movies, etc (before being married of course). I miss those times like its a physical ache. I feel extremely hopeless and helpless, and so very alone. I will never have that again. I will never ever have a partner buy me a birthday gift (my first bday with husband he gave me a $1 card with the sticker still on it, second birthday he gave me a potted plant), I'll never have a partner surprise me with a trip or even movies, or even a night out where I don't have to pay. I will never have that what I took so much for granted. I feel so embarrassed of him. I introduced him to my coworkers, some of whom are my closest friends, and I've never felt more embarrassed in my life. I feel so alone. If something happens at work, I have no one with whom I can share and who will actually understand. If I face a challenge with my classes, I have no one to talk it over with.
I'm so disappointed in him that I don't feel that I love him anymore. We don't have sex; I feel cheap to be physical with a guy who I'm so utterly disappointed in. What is wrong with me? Is it my looks? Am I so ugly that any guy who's with me falls short one way or another? Are my expectations too high? My ex was abusive, as I mentioned he would threaten physical harm, kick me out of his house in the middle of the night on several occasions, was extremely verbally abusive to my family and me, etc. Now he's perfectly happy with his wife. I invested ten years of my life in him to end up abused, disillusioned and divorced, but he's giving the best of himself to the new girl. Even the job he has, he has because of me. I not only hooked him up with the job but when our mutual boss was about to fire him, I begged her not to, and she told me that against her better judgement she didn't. I miss him so much. My husband is unmotivated and honestly, not trustworthy because he talks big and never delivers (e.g. the wedding ring). He says he'll do things, even the smallest thing, and doesn't do it.
Most of all, he needs me to hold his hand through everything. He told me that he wants me to sit him down everyday, make him read a few pages from a book, and then make him write a page or two. This broke my heart. I guess its unreasonable of me but this really broke my heart. Since that conversation I feel so emotionally distance from him. It's like, I felt alone and 'on my own' before, but him saying that I need to hand-hold him like that just confirmed how utterly alone in this relationship I am. What has my life come to that I need to hand-hold a 30something year old man and teach him the ABC's. I'm a bit of an academic overachiever and my ex was extremely smart. He was always my biggest competitor and biggest helper in school / college. If I needed anything, like help with school work, needing to go anywhere, buying a car, selling something, etc. anything at all, he was there for me. And I hope he felt that I was there for him the same way.
I know I shouldn't compare, but I can't help comparing between the two. What is wrong with me? Why can't I be enough for the men in my life? The past is past, but is there anything I can do to help my current situation?
I don't want to leave my husband, I don't even want to consider divorce. That's not even an option. I'm in my 20s, I don't want a second failed marriage. I want to help our marriage. What can I do? I want to be in love with my husband, I want to respect him and trust him. How? Am I just one of those people that's never happy? I'm not meant to be in a relationship? What's wrong with me???
Ps. Sorry about the huge post and my incoherent ramblings. I am both physically and emotionally exhausted (studying, working, and this...). I have midterms in two days. I feel so utterly and extremely alone. I have to be the decision maker for EACH and EVERY thing. He stays home all day and I have to call and tell him to put rice on the cooker so I have food when I get home, he doesn't do that by himself. Is he depressed? God knows I'm depressed. Maybe depression is a medical term and doesn't apply here. I'm just miserable and feeling completely alone and hopeless. Hense my rambling incoherence. I hope through it all I've managed to convey my situation and ask my question.
Thank you in advance!
Thank you!
