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It seems your only hope is to completely detach and leave him to do whatever he is going to do.

But stop having sex with him.

Get another lover if you need one. Your husband isn’t going to care anyway and you just need the health insurance so stay married, do whatever you want and let him do what he’s going to do. Stop trying to change him or get the truth out of him.

Being totally detached is the only way you are going to stop hurting.
You must see something in what I'm writing that I don't see myself. I tend to ignore anything that could feel like hurting. I think I just have reached a place in life where I have tossed out the Cinderella narrative.

I think you can see the anger in my words - the anger I can't see myself. And anger is a cover for hurt.

So, what the heck would I be hurt over?

You reach a point where you can have an orgasm but you don't have to attach love to it.
Oh my gosh, what would you be hurt over?!

I’m hurt on your behalf just reading about what he has done. The lying and the constant need for other women to lust after. I would have my heart broken about just one instance of that in a relationship. My heart is breaking for you now because you’ve had to ignore the pain for so long that you don’t even know it’s still there or even if you have the “right”’ to feel hurt.

There are men who don’t do this. There are men who don’t lie and cheat and chase skirts. There are men who would cherish you and never put your heart at risk like that. I know it must be hard to even contemplate that these type of men exist because thinking about them would make your sitch even so much worse. But they do exist. Lots of men like that exist.

I’m so sorry you are in this position.
 

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I don’t believe him at all that he hasn’t cheated.

I’m sorry, this whole thing is horrible and it must be crushing your soul.

Why would staying together be better than splitting up in this case? I know you may still love each other but it is soul crushing (for you at least).

I’m totally horrified on your behalf. I’m so sorry that you have issues that are making you stay with him, as I think that’s the real problem here. You should not be willing to let him crush your soul and the fact that you do is where the problem lies. I’m so sorry. You need the therapy. I don’t care if he goes to therapy, he is not going to be able to heal all he has done to you even if he stops today.

And again, he is already ****ing other women, giving him permission is meaningless.
Yeah, just reading her post it drips of a long convincing lie. Many people fool themselves because their spouse is being somewhat honest.

To me, this story reeks of true lies by omission. Yes, he may have walked away from this one woman and he saw her reaction, but didn’t tell her about the others where he did not leave. It almost sounds like he gets a rush out of demeaning and disrespecting her.
 

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How long did your affair last ? Was it a one night stand or longer ? Does your husband know ? Did you tell him ? And if so, what did he say about it ?
 

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My husband has told me - and for some reason I believe him - that he has never had an actual physical affair,
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Matthew 5:27-28.

He is cheating on you and you need to treat it as such.
 

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I don't think he has been officially diagnosed. He's seen probably at least 8 therapists - several intensively over the years. He's got history of physical abuse from his father and sexual abuse from a "trusted" adult when he was a young teen. We're both very aware of these things. I have similar history.

My reaction was to become VERY OPEN and honest and his was to become very secretive and dishonest. Things are messy, I know.
I asked the question about the psych disorders because I know someone in a very similar situation. She too has tried the ethical non monogamy thing only to have it blow up in their face. Her husband has OCD and ADHD. He is compulsive about sex.
 

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Please tell me he is amazing to you in other ways! Please tell me he cooks for you and buys you flowers and compliments you and is super affectionate and rubs your feet, and buys you presents.
 

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I asked the question about the psych disorders because I know someone in a very similar situation. She too has tried the ethical non monogamy thing only to have it blow up in their face. Her husband has OCD and ADHD. He is compulsive about sex.


I have adhd (and probably OCD) and I have had this as well about compulsive masterbation thinking about people I kinda know but not really. However it’s not as bad as the OP husband, and it doesn’t affect my relationships. Nor would I ever tell my significant other about it, that’s super disrespectful to me.
 

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I asked the question about the psych disorders because I know someone in a very similar situation. She too has tried the ethical non monogamy thing only to have it blow up in their face. Her husband has OCD and ADHD. He is compulsive about sex.
This is a key point. You don't get into ethical non monogamy to fix a marriage or relationship. That is the quickest way to further ruin it, and that's coming from a poly guy.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk
 

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I have adhd (and probably OCD) and I have had this as well about compulsive masterbation thinking about people I kinda know but not really. However it’s not as bad as the OP husband, and it doesn’t affect my relationships. Nor would I ever tell my significant other about it, that’s super disrespectful to me.
see, that’s my issue. I do not believe every person who masturbates thinks only about their SO. I just don’t.

No, i am not calling anyone who is that way a liar, just saying I believe fantasizing about someone else is common.

Telling your SO, repeatedly, is disrespectful and unless you have a verifiable issue I will believe you derive some type of disgusting pleasure out of it.
 

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see, that’s my issue. I do not believe every person who masturbates thinks only about their SO. I just don’t.

No, i am not calling anyone who is that way a liar, just saying I believe fantasizing about someone else is common.

Telling your SO, repeatedly, is disrespectful and unless you have a verifiable issue I will believe you derive some type of disgusting pleasure out of it.
If I understand the situation correctly, he did not come out and tell her these things for quite a number of years and really never admitted anything except under pressure. Also what he is doing doesn’t sound like the typical fantasizing and masturbating. It sounds like he gets obsessed with specific people, some of whom are in his real life and he actually goes in person to see them. Also I think he’s full of **** and actually has had sex with some of them.
 

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If I understand the situation correctly, he did not come out and tell her these things for quite a number of years and really never admitted anything except under pressure. Also what he is doing doesn’t sound like the typical fantasizing and masturbating. It sounds like he gets obsessed with specific people, some of whom are in his real life and he actually goes in person to see them. Also I think he’s full of **** and actually has had sex with some of them.


Yea this is a whole different issue than fantasizing and masterbation. This guy crosses the line is so many ways.
 
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