[aspiringCPA]

Me and my husband got married three years ago. And sadly were still living with my in-laws because they can't afford to live by themselves. And I understand the situation. Basically, money-wise, we can't start a family right away.

He works very hard and we're planning now...buying our first house this year, a church wedding next year, and children after. I am so determine for this to happen! That's why I work over-time to save some extra money. And I'm also studying at the same time to become a CPA, hoping that it will lead us to a better future.

One time, my husband asked my permission, he wants to have a hobby and also make friends. He was actually so dry helping his family back then that he forgot himself, his life was all work-work-work and gave all his earning to his family to meet ends. I feel his sadness and I gave him my blessings. :smthumbup: Besides I thought it will give me time-away-from-him so I can focus more on studying.

He was so happy to find new friends and he really find enjoyment in his new hobby ("airsoft"). I am happy for him but its making me feel sad now. Most of the days, when I get home from work (over-time), he's still out with his friends. And he is buying more and more stuff for his hobby. I thought about our plans. I am working hard here to make it happen and what is he doing? Am I wrong to think it that way? I'm saving every penny I can while he is buying additional guns. I told him about how I feel and asked if he can be home once I'm home because we seldom have quality time together now. He has gone mad and told me that he feels like I'm controlling him. We didn't talk for two days. I asked his parents for help, but his mom told me that I should be thankful because its not like he's cheating or doing drugs. That sounds bias to me. And then finally, my husband said we meet half-way. It pains me that he can't even give into my request. It's not like I'm stopping him from his hobby and friends. I just want to have diner with him when I get home and maybe spend some quality time together, even if its just watching television.

He said we should have an activity together and that I should make friends too. I said to him, "Yes, I also thirst for friends but that's not my priority right now".

I am in my 30's and I don't want to have a child if we cant support them. I asked my dad and he's advise is to wait for him to mature. I hope it won't be too long of a wait... sometimes I think of quitting my dreams of becoming a CPA and just join him...but that's not me I can't give up on my dreams.

Also I feel like my husband is giving me the responsibility of our life because he knows I am a strong willed person. But I can't do it on my own, I also need his support. If he can't keep me motivated, at least inspire me.

Please give me an advise. It's actually affecting my study. Is there someone who has gone through this? Help!

 

[Anon Pink]

His priorities are not the same as yours. Saving for a house, a church wedding (not sure why the church wedding is important since you're already married?) He, on the other hand got lost in his responsibilities and now he is lost in having fun.

You need to find a way to meet him in the middle. You need to have fun with your husband.

Set limits on money that goes into recreation and set expectations on time together. You'll work it out.

 

[CharlotteMcdougall]

His priorities are not the same as yours. Saving for a house, a church wedding (not sure why the church wedding is important since you're already married?) He, on the other hand got lost in his responsibilities and now he is lost in having fun.

You need to find a way to meet him in the middle. You need to have fun with your husband.

Set limits on money that goes into recreation and set expectations on time together. You'll work it out.

In some cultures, couples have a civil wedding first and then a church wedding later. Also, there are some couples who married in a courthouse out of necessity but would still like to have a church wedding.

I agree that meeting in the middle and having fun with one's spouse is very important. A marriage cannot just be about work all the time.

My husband and I cannot afford expensive vacations and restaurants. We still manage to have fun by going on overnight getaways and cheap dates like going out for brunch.

Living with in-laws isn't the best situation for a married couple. You need your private space to be husband and wife. Can your in-laws get subsidized housing for seniors? I'm not sure what the housing situation is where your from.

 

[aspiringCPA]

Thank you so much for the immediate replies.

Church wedding is important in our culture. And right now I don't have problems with my in-laws. Though I feel they're bias most of the time (or is it just me?). And also in our culture, one of the siblings gets to live with their parents to take care of them in their old age.

 

[Anon Pink]

Living with in-laws isn't the best situation for a married couple. You need your private space to be husband and wife. Can your in-laws get subsidized housing for seniors? I'm not sure what the housing situation is where your from.

Thank you so much for the immediate replies.

Church wedding is important in our culture. And right now I don't have problems with my in-laws. Though I feel they're bias most of the time (or is it just me?). And also in our culture, one of the siblings gets to live with their parents to take care of them in their old age.

:rofl: don't you hate when that happens?




CPA, of course his parents are biased. They may not be the best people to seek advice from.

Have a sit down chat with your husband and come to an agreement on time together, time apart and fun stuff for the two of you.

 

[AliceA]

I think you need to find out exactly what his priorities are and what he wants out of this marriage. You both need to understand what drives each other. For example, your ideal marriage would include spending most evening meals together. Does this even make it on his list? Another for you is to spend at least X hours together per day. How many hours does he want to spend each day with you? Does financial security, great sex life, rewarding career, outside friendships etc make it on both your lists, what priority are they? This is the sort of thing you need to figure out through sitting down and going through it together.

You seem to have a good idea of what your goals are and what sort of timeline you are working on. Figure out how much you think you need to save and when you will need it. Calculate how much you are both saving towards these goals right now and then figure out a set weekly amount that needs to be set aside to achieve these goals.

If you have a proper budget calculated, and considering you are studying to become a CPA, I don't imagine this will be a difficult task, then you should be able to both see how much he has to spend towards leisure activities on a weekly/monthly basis while still working towards those goals.

 

[CharlotteMcdougall]

:rofl: don't you hate when that happens?




CPA, of course his parents are biased. They may not be the best people to seek advice from.

Have a sit down chat with your husband and come to an agreement on time together, time apart and fun stuff for the two of you.

:iagree: I don't seek advice about my husband from either set of parents. I tried to do that with my mother, but all she would talk about is what I should do if my husband cheated. She is a doormat and believes that wives should put up with whatever husbands do. I don't agree with that mindset so I don't listen to my mother. She chooses to be a martyr instead of empowering herself.

While I have sympathy for cultural expectations, you cannot allow them to run your life. My culture dictates that women should stay home until marriage and marry the only guy they date, as well as having a huge wedding. I did not do any of those things and I am better off for it.

I knew a Portuguese woman who married a man from the old country. They had a city hall wedding because of immigration concerns. After about a year, she had to have a Catholic church wedding for her family.

 

[WorkingOnMe]

Saving for your goals is important. AND, if you don't make living in the moment a priority, all of the work and studying and saving will swallow you whole. I'm very familiar with what you're going through right now, I've been a CPA for many years. First it's the exam, then it's working up the ladder trying to make partner, then it's the mountain of clients. You could learn a lot from your husband in this instance. My suggestion, take an afternoon off a couple times a month. Pick up one of his guns, goggles and a mask, and kick his, and his friend's ass.

 

[aspiringCPA]

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much on your opinions. You are all helpful. He accidentally read this thread and it leads us to a big argument . The good thing I can take on it is at least he knows how I feel more than ever now . And that we’re both going to do what’s best for both of us. WorkingOnMe is probably right :iagree:; I should try living the moment. I’ve been going through so much stress with all our plans & this CPA journey…but it’s doesn’t mean that I’m giving up. I’m just going to take it easy. CharlotteMcdougall, I will keep in mind not to ask for any help between both parents (my dad & in my in-laws)… even if they say they’re not bias, we all know that blood is thicker than water. Breeze & Anon Pink, I’m going to rest my case and meet him in the middle. I’m going to have fun with him!:smthumbup: Probably maintain a daily schedule convenient for both of us. It’s just that I want to share every moment I can with him! And maybe a weekly activity too will be great - to lessen the stress of studying daily after work (ALL work and NO play, cause me to be a dull girl)

I’m realizing that I don’t trust him with our future and that’s I’m pressuring myself while despising him. I’m going to trust him completely now and blame him if we fail---just kidding. If we fail, we’re going to try it again…Awww I want to cry.

Again, I appreciate everyone’s opinion.:smthumbup:

 

[Anon Pink]

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much on your opinions. You are all helpful. He accidentally read this thread and it leads us to a big argument . The good thing I can take on it is at least he knows how I feel more than ever now . And that we’re both going to do what’s best for both of us. WorkingOnMe is probably right :iagree:; I should try living the moment. I’ve been going through so much stress with all our plans & this CPA journey…but it’s doesn’t mean that I’m giving up. I’m just going to take it easy. CharlotteMcdougall, I will keep in mind not to ask for any help between both parents (my dad & in my in-laws)… even if they say they’re not bias, we all know that blood is thicker than water. Breeze & Anon Pink, I’m going to rest my case and meet him in the middle. I’m going to have fun with him!:smthumbup: Probably maintain a daily schedule convenient for both of us. It’s just that I want to share every moment I can with him! And maybe a weekly activity too will be great - to lessen the stress of studying daily after work (ALL work and NO play, cause me to be a dull girl)

I’m realizing that I don’t trust him with our future and that’s I’m pressuring myself while despising him. I’m going to trust him completely now and blame him if we fail---just kidding. If we fail, we’re going to try it again…Awww I want to cry.

Again, I appreciate everyone’s opinion.:smthumbup:

That's lovely! So glad you and your husband are talking openly and honestly. So what are your plans for fun time with him? Are you going to get your own air soft gun?

 

[greenpearl]

Sometimes we give ourselves a lot of pressure by setting up a goal difficult to achieve. When we have high expectation for our life, we are under stress.

Friends, especially good friends, are important in our life. A person needs friends to be happy.

What your husband is doing is not balanced either. He can have his hobby and his friends, but his wife and his marriage is also important. He shouldn't forget that part. When you are sick and old, it's your wife who will look after you, not your friends.

Material stuff doesn't equal happiness. People are usually misguided. They think the more they have, the happier they are. It's not the case. Inno peace comes with a balanced view about life.