Whats the point of marriage in 2012?

Why would you be okay with being impregnated and then dumped for a hot young thing, if it meant all of your material needs would be provided for? Do you think men want a woman with this mindset?

I'm sorry that you feel that "love is a farce" but I can tell you that such a negative and materialistic attitude pushes good men away.

My husband provides for both of us and sends me to school because we both want me to achieve my potential. I have no interest in being supported financially for all of our marriage because I want to be able to take care of myself, no matter what happens to our relationship. There are many SAHM's on this forum who are supported by husbands, as well as men who are the main breadwinners. Love is far more than being supported financially though. You speak of being "taken care of" a great deal; how would you take care of a decent man? A good marriage is about give and take.

I have dated "Christian" men in the past who attended church yet had premarital sex and lived very dishonest lives. Of course, Christian men are just normal imperfect human beings. We hold Christians to higher standards because of their religion.

Do you think that women never abandon or cheat on men? I truly find your words to be very sexist, mercenary and anti marriage. I am not insulting your personality, since I do not know you but I am disturbed by some of the messages in your post.

If you want to find a good partner, work on becoming the kind of person you would like to meet. Don't wait for a man to support you financially; work on being independent so that you can choose a man rather than need him. Try not to make negative and generalizing statements about men when you meet them.

I was blessed because I was very bitter about men when I met my husband. He saw the chip on my shoulder came from being disillusioned and hurt in the past by terrible men. With love and patience, my husband is teaching me what true love and trust is about.

Okay, so i wanted to get inpregnated? Really? Its a fact that if you are married and have unprotected sex, chances are you will get pregnant. But isnt that what the safety of marriage is for. Hell yes im a little bitter. Guess what, believe it or not, I was a damn good wife. That didn't stop my husband from doing what he did.

Whats the point of holding christians to a higher standard, if they wont hold themselves to one? It never crossed your mind that maybe some women arent as "indepenendent" and capable of taking care of themselves, because they have spent years being good wives, setting things aside, to allow their husbands to get ahead, only to be screwed in the end.

I guess i should be faulted for that. Yeah i am a little sexist, because my sex is female. Al that lovey dovey bull your typing will fall by the wayside, once your betrayed. Hopefully not. At any given point you make some kind of sacrfice to be married. And it truly sucks, that there really seems to be no commitment to this. Especially in a day in age , where everyone is so capable of taking care of themselves.

Dont give me that bullcrp line about "work on yourself, so that you can have the spouse of your dreams". So that would mean everyone on this site who has been abanded, or betrayed, somehow attracted that, because of some character defect they have. Lets get real. everyone is getting somthing out of the marriage commitment, yours just dosent happen to be financial provision.whatever it is you obviously feel the need for it or you would not be married. Or its just because, you only want to love someone else Has nothing to do with some want or need you have. Sure.

I never said there were not any no good women, thats just not the topic I wanted to vent about, or get some other perspectives on.

If you did not want to have a baby, protected sex would have been a sensible choice. My husband and I are childfree so we have permanently prevented pregnancy with a vasectomy. Since there are several methods of birth control, it is very easy for a woman not to become pregnant if she does not want to.

Has your husband moved on with his life? If so, what purpose does your anger and bitterness serve? You are only poisoning yourself. Unless there is something to be gained from being resentful, it might help to remember that being negative hurts nobody but you. I have always been a pessimist with trust difficulties and I am working on those issues so that I can be happy. How we approach life is our own volition.

Every woman is capable of taking care of herself unless she is severely handicapped. Life is what we make it with the paths we walk down and nobody forced you to give up your independence for a man. Plenty of women still have careers when they marry, because they don't want to end up in the position you are currently in. You cannot blame the world if did not choose good options; all you can do is learn from your mistakes.

I grew up seeing men cheat and I could certainly decide never to trust or love again. However, that would be giving too much power to my past when I am trying to build a happy present for myself. Love is a gamble because nothing is promised. I hope that my husband never cheats on me but I agree that it certainly can happen. I wouldn't enjoy life if I held on to my bitterness and it doesn't seem like you do either.

I agree that we all get something out of marriage. I just know that no man wants to be thought of as a wallet when he meets a woman. Something to think about. I wish you peace.

You know, somtimes I feel like Job, when I listen to peoples response, to my frusteration about my situation. Its all some how my fault, and if I was just an indepent, birthcontroll, pill popping, smart woman of the 2oth century. This would have never happend to me.

Because God knows that all births here on this earth are planned. And every woman should be completely fine with the option of taking false hormones/chemicals, to protect themselves from being "impregnated' by their "husbands".

God forbid if you have any feelings other than "pessimistic" happiness, Or defeated sadness, when you face situations, that are awful. Because God forbid you hold anyone to accountability, or trust them. You have to have it all planned out right? sigh. As hard as it may be for some to believe, I am supporting, myself and our children, pretty much alone. And its damn hard, but guess what, I hold myself to a higher accountability, and im going to walk out my commitment as a mother, and not cheat on th em, and try to replace them with other children. Abandon them then tell them they should have had a back up plan.

Thank you to the one person who offerd words of encouragement. Your prayers are greatly appreciated.

2ntnuf said:

Hang in there True. Just because he is Christian, does not mean he is better at marriage or raising a family. Do you remember what Paul said?

1 Corinthians 7: 1-9

You are not being treated as a married Christian woman should.
Once you get your head together a little, you will find the passages you need to better understand. A church counselor should be able to help you.

Prayers sent for you.

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:iagree:

Most people come to TAM because of some trauma in their marriage. Very few here have the perfect marriage and want to tell the world. I am grateful for their advice. Unfortunately, I am not one of them. Marriage seems pointless to me also, unless there are children as Lon stated.

IMO people are selfish! It’s all about me. I do that too. I think many people get married way to young and we grow and change so much. I was always in love with the whole idea of being in love and for many years, I pretended that I had the right person. Nobody is perfect…right?

The hard part come as we begin to meet new people who make us feel better about our self, while our spouse (both) stop doing things for each other and drift apart. Then it is only a matter of time. I know, that is a cop out!

Marriage is too much work for the average mortal. We give up and do stupid stuff to drive the other away. I liked it better when we were just dating. We seemed to try harder to be a better person and please the other. Once we married, we stopped trying and to put the other first like we did while dating.
So, I agree… Why get married? The odds are stacked against it.

You know, thats the understanding im trying to come to. Is what we been sold about marriage a lie. I mean all the mushy gushy loving feelings aside. Because the proof is on these boards as to how laong that really last. I wont feel like I did somthing wrong by believing that it was not a sin to have children while I was ''MARRIED''. And what is the obligation of each person to each other and to the children in the marriage.

I mean if its everyone taking care of their own needs and supporting themselves, I guess the only reason would be to have children? But peolple dont even get married to do that now. What is the point of marriage, I ask again? If you cannot feel safe and depend on that person for certian wants and needs?

Even the firs response to my post, claimed her other half was supporting and helping her with her education. Why accept that from him if we are all supposed to be self sufficiant? Why even honor the commitment of marriage if i can just do everything all willy nilly in the first place. Ad not have the possible hurt of betrayal, of a lie? I dont know, just trying to understand.

Also you have babes in Christ who are learning that what we learn in the bible does not really matter anyway. because everyone has their own standards, and what you do to others dosent matter, because, its their fault if they arent pessimisticly happy, and move forward with their lives in the aftermaths. When that message is a complete contradiction, to the Gospel. People get hurt, people are angry. people want to believe in people.

Lon said:

I too hold Christians to my interpretation of Christian standards, and in my judgement most fail at it, worse than even I (whom no longer considers himself Christian). But even though I don't share the religious convictions of believers, I do hold myself to the christ-like morals and values I was raised with - and yes I know this means not judging others. I don't get caught up in literal interpretations anymore, but I also get disturbed by those who profess them yet don't seem to act within the larger realm of kindness, forgiveness, compassion and honesty. Whatever, just live the way YOU believe you are meant to.

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I feel exactly as LON expressed here in this post, I also no longer will call myself a Christian. Far too many are a cardboard copy of the world -but feel a "belief" saves their soul. It is so much more than that!
We are all human, have weaknesses , flaws, there is no perfection in this life... but this is OK too! Sometimes religion only = a guilt and shame trip for many -which makes them further HIDE their flaws so others will not judge... and this is just no good, it is a pandering to be something we are not -for the acceptance of others.

It is best to carry yourself as a man or woman of integrity & character in what we say & how we act as best we can in this life & own our failings before men, if we let anyone down, leave that gift at the alter & go humble thyself and Make it right... this is what God wants of man - the Golden Rule.... this is my religion... I like to keep it simple.

I don't feel one requires a Supernatural belief to live like this.... .. though it does help HOW we view life & love....and being around good people -encourages our actions & outlook on life.

Many scriptures I LOVE in the Bible.... I strive to live by them, I teach my kids to live by them.... I see great wisdom in many Proverbs, also the Book of Ecclesiastes.

All that you have mentioned in your opening post TrueLovely -about how women were "used" / abused in the Old Testament...I agree with you, I also REJECT such teachings the way they are written, it puts a very bad taste in my mouth...anyone with reason , if they take these things to heart , should have some questioning to the INTENT ... how it seems to = laws written by MEN - with some selfish desires going on, I also reject how Slavery was just OK... if this was from a Holy God.. ...we must admit that men & women are NOT created equal ... I simply can not buy this, it makes me look upon God in a BAD light.

Frankly I see more Justice on the Declaration of Independence over the Old Testament !


I am one of those on TAM that absolutely loves being married, all the Romance & togetherness that it entails... but we are very compatible ....(had we married someone else, we may have a different story to tell, this I believe)...

We were together for 8 long yrs before we walked down the aisle.. (I was just 15)....we knew each other like the back of our hand at that point.....we both have our flaws, my husband is a bit of a Nice Guy (but I will call him genuine) ...naturally on the passive side, the peacemaker type...the type of man most women overlook in their youth -as they seem to jump for the ALpha boys into sports & have many female conquests.

I married a very loving man, kind, compassionate, giving (just insert the Fruits of the spirit here)... he amazes me many times... he has the same temperament as Mother Teresa, maybe this explains it ! Great Father, faithful to his every word, honest, I couldn't ask for more (even though I have !)...hey, we are human, after all !

** I attempted a thread trying to touch on where I feel, from all the reading & contributing I have done on this Marriage forum .... many miss it in dating/ in early marraige ....where the roots of a breakdown begin -then slowly fester growing out of control..... Experts say the top 3 reasons are >>>

1. Communication

2. Sex

3. Finances


...but also Love Languages so out of whack, it causes great frustration, a spouse being passive aggressive, even differences in religion can cause chaos & endless fights, children, so many many things....

Let's face it... we are all SELFISH.... so best to be matched with another who has the same selfish desires in this life. That is my prescription for marriage these days -if one wants to take the plunge. Take time, get to know each other & each's vulnerabilities, deepest dreams, passions..and weaknesses, can we live with those... do they fit into our future as well..... make sure red flags are not missed in the heated beginning months of a relationship - where the dopamine is flowing & hormones are raging...and listen to the warnings of those who are wise.

True Lovely, what were your issues ?? ....or was you completely and utterly blindsided by a man who FAKED who he was, hid himself from you - cheated on you... betrayed you? Was there any signs , red flags ??

Thread link below >>

Bindsided everytime @SimplyAmourouse. I believe in forgiveness, but I just have a hard time with not having the security of knowing that certian things wont be done. And now, even if I choose to stay in the marriage, I am so damage and insecure about so many things, It seems like i would just stay married, to have another body around.

I understand every marriage is to be different, but there are supposed to be some core beliefs when it comes to christan marriage. It just sucks that it seems like, being a "man" overrides so many of these beliefs. I know of many other stories and instances simialar to mine. I just feel like, as a christian, if I am to expect the same thing, as someone who dosent believe, whats the point

@Lon, I agree whole heartedly with a lot of your comments. I know we are flawed, but shouldnt there be some difference in te who profess the faith? I really dont want to get married again, because it really seems theres no point. The stock someone mention in it, seems very low to me.

But if I want, sex, say for instance, If I choose to partake of it outside of marriage, It is a sin. So I would have a very hard time doing it with a clear conscience. But maybe thats somthing, as a woman, I should take care of myself also, since I am at fault for depending on my husband to ''impregnate'' me, and expect to much, for believing he should do his best to provide for his family.

Lon,

My guess, and it is just a guess, is that not everyone has the same understanding that you do. I may be incorrect about my beliefs. I don't know. I do know that I could confess everything, that I remember, and I would still be wrong.

I can't remember everything I did wrong. Some things I was accused of doing were simply not true, but no one would believe that. Some things which I was accused of, I have looked into and cannot find the evidence.

Other things, I am only now able to start realizing. I have not been mentally well. No one can understand that, but me. I cannot show anyone what was in my mind at the time. If I could, who would believe me?

I have been told so many times that I have lied or I was faking things. I am sick of it. I am done with it. No one has to believe me. I know what I know and no one else can.

Since I do not talk to my ex, period, at all, I could not apologize for anything, even if that was my desire. Like I said, forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the forgiven.

I do the best I can. I hope I do not lead folks astray. If I have, I am sorry. I do apologize.

Peace to you.