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There’s many good peeps on this forum. You get a sense over the years of their character. Strengths and vulnerabilities, and life experiences shared. I don’t assume that what I think matters to them... to you... yet it’s also likely that many contributors may be unaware of the regard with which they are considered. And for me, it’s not limited to folks that I agree with. I’m not sure what my point is here. Maybe I’m just feeling a little heavy hearted and want to wish you all well.
 

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TBT, you have consistently provided kind words to me over the years. Thank you.

I hope things are okay with you?
You're welcome,and that goes both ways for sure.

Things are going good so far. I count my blessings,especially in these times.

I don't post much here anymore. Some of the NYE crew(2ntnuf,OaW,OldGirl) and I keep in touch consistently off site. I know,like me,they all think very highly of you and would want you to take care during this troubling and painful time in your lives.

You and the husband be good,hearts.
 

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Working through how to get out of triangulation in my family. This was a helpful article.

 

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Working through how to get out of triangulation in my family. This was a helpful article.

Interesting article. Thanks.

One of the habits I've developed is that my almost automatic response if someone tells me that a third person ("Aunt Jemima") thinks something, is to immediately ask "do you think they are right?" or "do you agree?"
 

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Are your questions helpful?

I've read a lot of articles today, and mostly this is in regard to my relationship with my father.

I feel like a ping pong ball that constantly gets batted back and forth between high praise and being told I'm a piece of ****.

I've found that when when he writes, he compliments me, and in person, when he has my step-mom as an audience, he criticizes/insults me. There's a new complaint each time I visit.

He also gossips about the other adult siblings, and I know he bad-mouths me when I'm not around.

When I was growing up, honesty wasn't allowed. Neither of my parents were safe people to be around, and there was always a price to pay if you disappointed them in any way - no matter how small.

So, I'm trying to sort out how to do the least amount of damage, yet stand up to it. It's very scary and hard.

Interesting article. Thanks.

One of the habits I've developed is that my almost automatic response if someone tells me that a third person ("Aunt Jemima") thinks something, is to immediately ask "do you think they are right?" or "do you agree?"
 

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When I was growing up, honesty wasn't allowed. Neither of my parents were safe people to be around
Same for me

I've found that when when he writes, he compliments me, and in person, when he has my step-mom as an audience, he criticizes/insults me.
Ah, that's slightly different. I was thinking of the triangle where a parent tells you that Aunt Jemima thinks you are rude (for example) -- reference to a critic who's not present.

When your father does that, is he speaking to you or your step-mom? My parents would do that, but speaking to each other (criticism of me) in front of me.
 

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He’s speaking to me, but it feels like he’s speaking for her. But that’s an assumption and could totally be insecurity on my part.

Indirect communication is also part of our dysfunction, and I’m guilty and working on being better about this.

When your father does that, is he speaking to you or your step-mom? My parents would do that, but speaking to each other (criticism of me) in front of me.
 

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So, I'm trying to sort out how to do the least amount of damage, yet stand up to it.
And are you now basically safe from them? As in, not dependent on them to live? Because otherwise, step 1 is to get your life to where they can't materially harm you.
 

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Yes and no, which is my own fault.

For the most part, I do what I want, and I’m independent.

So much of it is emotional and inside me. For the past two years, I’ve spent a lot of time and energy on forgiving and letting go. It’s super hard. Some days I feel free, but others I’m still quite enslaved to my own mind.

And are you now basically safe from them? As in, not dependent on them to live? Because otherwise, step 1 is to get your life to where they can't materially harm you.
 

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Until you are financially independent of your father, it will be difficult to establish boundaries. One can hardly say "Dad, I'm too old to be talked to in this manner" when you're still relying on him for resources. At this point, your only option is to make your visits few and far between.

Also, when he insults you or makes you feel like **** you can look at him and say "ouch". If his wife gets off on seeing him have a go at you, then pity him because he is married to a real piece of work and he's just pussywhipped.

You're a good person and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
 

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Yes, you're right.

Until you are financially independent of your father, it will be difficult to establish boundaries. One can hardly say "Dad, I'm too old to be talked to in this manner" when you're still relying on him for resources. At this point, your only option is to make your visits few and far between.

Thank you. 😊

You're a good person and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
 

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Never thought I'd see the day where an emoji of all things has managed to 'offend' people on my other board. But oh, wait. It's 2020. 😐
too many snowflakes these days. Boo Hoo -- you've made that board NOT be a safe space anymore. I'm going to take my toys and go home and complain to Mommy that you are being mean. Ugh.
 

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too many snowflakes these days. Boo Hoo -- you've made that board NOT be a safe space anymore. I'm going to take my toys and go home and complain to Mommy that you are being mean. Ugh.
I hear ya. Now there's talk about removing them all. Seriously? I'm so glad I found this place.
 
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