Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 10 of 10 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
33 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Ok, I will make this as short as possible.

My husband has a couple ex girlfriends that I cannot stand. They are rude, and very disrespectful to my family and myself.

Ok, so back in early June 2009, before my husband and I met he slept with this girl. A couple weeks after that (mid June) my husband and I met, and with us meeting and getting to know each other he decided to tell me that this girl was pregnant with his kid. Now, we got married in October 2009, and she kept saying it was his kid, we bought items for this baby that was supposedly his. I was trying to be OK with the whole fact that my husband and I are married and he's going to have a baby with another girl. Ugh, I was disgusted. I finally asked this girl her due date and when she actually got pregnant. Um, she was due in early Feb 2010!! She got pregnant in MAY, not June!!! Ugh, she finally admitted to the whole thing and what not but jeeze. Anyways, after that it seems like he has this issue with always wanting to talk to his exes, constantly looking at their profiles, wondering what they're doing. Its really getting under my skin.
Dont get me wrong, I don't care if he talks to girls, as long as it stays friendly, but with these girls (and that's exactly what they are), I cannot trust him. I'm okay with a couple ex girlfriends but he doesn't talk to those, he only talks to the ones that I absolutely hate.
Now, I bet you're wondering why I hate them. They don't know me, I don't know them but for some freaking reason they decide to just come out of no where and start talking crap about my kids and myself! Calling me every name in the book, telling me that I'm just a dumb n!gger lover (I HATE that word too), and I'm a crappy mom and I am lazy. I don't care what they say about me but the stuff they were saying about my daughter just put me over the edge.

Anyways, now that I've asked him for the billionth time not to talk to these exes, he's hiding it. Almost makes me wonder if he's not happy with me or somethin, ya know? He texts them and flirts, messages them onFB and deletes the messages. I hate that I cannot trust him. I mean I lost trust a long time ago because of a porn issue but he was slowly working on getting it back and it's gone again and he doesnt care. Im not going to lie, our communication skills suck because with him its either scream at him or nothing gets through. Ive also noticed since he started talking to them again (just a couple weeks ago) that he wants nothing to do with me sexually other than when he wants it and he's not taking safety measures to make sure I don't get pregnant again (you can read all about that and more in Uh Oh... in the family section).

I dont know. I just feel so unwanted. Like I'm just here for him to use when he wants. Hes also a selfish jerk. He's going fishing tomorrow, but the last time I got 1 hour to myself was when I spent $50 to have 2 flowers worked on on my tattoo. Thats the only thing lately that I have really got to do. He freaks out when I want to spend $50 every now and again to get my tattoo worked on but he spends $30-$40 every weekend on his fishing trips. I wanted to go to Gordmans today to see if I could find a pair of comfortable, cute shoes that I could wear for fall/winter because right now I only have 2 pairs of flip flops and Greek flats. But, I couldn't because he was going fishing and we didnt have the money to do both. So, again, I get pushed to the side. He always gets new clothes but I have the same clothes that I had when I was in 11th grade. It sucks and I am starting to really dislike him for this. He would rather be away from home anymore than with his kids and me. And lately when he is home, all he does is yell at his daughter for the smallest things, parks his butt in the chair and is on the computer until he has to go to bed. Urggggg.

I don't know what to do. I need help because I think I might be overreacting to this whole thing and maybe I'm the selfish one for wanting time to myself and with him. I'd say screw the time by myself if I could spend it with him instead but hes never here to spend time with.

Ugh. I hate feeling so mad all the time!!!

How would some of you handle this situation?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,617 Posts
I would tell my spouse, if he was acting like yours, that since he seems to find these women so much more important then the one he has that he is free to pursue them. Then I'd start packing and on my way out I would tell him we can work out custody and visitation rights in court. I would never put up with my man shoving me to the side and flirting with his ex's... never. That's just me though.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
33 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
I've told him that if he wants them so bad then he can be with them and then the story changes to "I only want you, I'm sorry". Ugh.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
812 Posts
" I only want you, I'm sorry" -

Then he should have no problem showing you by cutting off all contact with them. Actions matter most here not words. You have expressed how you feel numerous times and out of respect for you and your marriage he should not contact these women any more. It's cheating if he is flirting and sexting.

Fishing trips, shoes and tattoos.

I have some empathy for you on this point, however spend what little money you seem to get wisely. Instead of the tattoo work ( $50 ) go and buy some shoes.

Fishing trips? Where to exactly ? have you seen photos? eaten any good fish recently?

Grumpy mood? How's your sex life?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,502 Posts
He needs to go NC with the exs. Period, end of story. If he won't he either has, or will eventually cheat on you with them. You are not being crazy for thinking that. He has poor boundaries.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,629 Posts
Sounds like you have multiple issues going on here. One is he either is cheating on you or he may be thinking about cheating on you with an ex GF. Clearly he does not understand boundaries, and that Ex GFs have no business being around you and your husband period.

Second, if you and these ex GF's don't know each other, then why are they telling your husband how terrible of a person you are. If any of the things they are saying sound familiar, then your husband may be bad mouthing you to these exes. That's a red flag that goes back to point #1 - that he's mentally preparing himself to cheat on you or he's trying to get sympathy from these exes because he's married to a "bad person".

Third, you and your husband need to talk more about money in general, because it sounds like you two don't communicate about much of anything to be hones. That is an issue in and of itself that is not the most immediate on your plate at this time though.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,361 Posts
"They don't know me, I don't know them but for some freaking reason they decide to just come out of no where and start talking crap about my kids and myself! Calling me every name in the book, telling me that I'm just a dumb n!gger lover (I HATE that word too), and I'm a crappy mom and I am lazy. "

This is a strong red flag that he's still flirting with them, telling him he misses them, etc. Ignore it at your own risk!

This would be a good time for an ultimatum.... before YOU have children with him. (I'd encourage you to wait until you know someone a LOT longer than a couple months to get married next time, too, because I think you're going to find that his "right" to talk to them is more important than you or your relationship with him.)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,938 Posts
:scratchhead: Sorry to say, your message is so clear on all issues that it is hard to believe how someone can be so ignorant of his or her situation.

That is, until I realize I have sometimes the same problem ;)

If you would have read similar stories for a couple of months you would also see what happens in your situation and what needs to be done.

The case is here that this guy is not going for you at all. He is keeping his options open, and your gut feeling is your most valuable source of information. This is not going well at all, and I get from your story it has never been well.

Problem is: You. You walked into a marriage with this guy. The problems with him can relatively easy be removed, but to prevent you doing this again and again will ask a lot of work on yourself. Maybe you are not ready for that yet, and things will get worse in that case.

I hope you are ready to change.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
33 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
Fishing trips? Where to exactly ? have you seen photos? eaten any good fish recently?

Grumpy mood? How's your sex life?
Yes, fishing trips. Usually gone 5-10 hours. I have seen photos, he brings fish home, comes home covered in mud, the dogs come back smelling like lake water and they're muddy with burrs in their fur. I know hes there because I have had to go pull him out of the mud 4 times and call a tow truck once.

Hes always grumpy it seems like. And sex life? Whats that?! lol. Barely have sex anymore and its only when he wants it.


@Plan 9, there is only one ex who has SEEN me before, we never talked. He goes to them and just starts going off about everything I have ever done wrong, so I'm the bad guy. Not once will he mention everything he's done wrong but of course he wont, never will. About the money, I have been keeping his debit card (only way to get money because his employer deposits his check onto a prepaid card) so that I have complete control over the money. The only time I give it to him now is when he has to go get gas to get to work. I explain to him what has to be paid each week and by when and he doesn't care. And last night we had a big, like huge blow out fight and he told me to go get a job (hes said this before but turns right around and says he wants me to be a SAHM) because all I care about in our marriage is the money. If I cared about the money I wouldn't be with him because he only makes $2000 a month to support 4 people. If I wanted money I would have married a 60 year old rich guy because of the money. Ugh.


@Kathy, this whole texting, FB messaging with exes has been going on for longer than it should have. He stops for a while and then all of a sudden hes talking to them again. Been like this for a while now.
And before I have children with him? I already have 2 with him. :O

So the huge fight last night actually made him get off his lazy butt and start helping more. Still cant ignore the fact that he called me a fat a$$ b!tch. :O
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
68 Posts
I hope you don't mind me saying this, but it sounds very much like you rushed into this marriage. You can't truly get to know someone in 4 months, and it seems you are finding that out.

No, you are not overreacting and you have every right to want to spend time with him without all this additional BS.

If you are truly the one he wants to be with(and you should be, he married you, after all!) then him cutting these other women out of his life shouldn't be much of a sacrifice.

To put it simply, he is not putting enough into your marriage. Nowhere near enough. You have to make sure he knows you feel the way do, and why. From there, you need to try and move forward together. If you can't, then I think your marriage is doomed.
 
1 - 10 of 10 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top