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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I want to ask women, please give me examples of things your husband does which offends, agitates, irritates, shocks, disgusts, or disrespects you. Many times the question of what to do involves finding the answer to the question of what not to do, and then don't do it. I believe we can all learn from the mistakes of others.

It has been brought to my attention that there are some things that I unconsciously do which offend my wife. I do not understand just how bad my behavior does until after the fact. I sometimes do offensive things unconsciously, like a robot, without thinking about the consequences.

I have been raised in a masculine environment with "my guys", classmates from school with whom I have lived with when I was in college. It is rather normal for us to say cuss words at each other, and call each other names just on any occasion. And by that we don't take any offense at that, and consider such words normal. For example, "Ain't you pay our f*ckin rent @$$head?" is considered normal "guy talk". Now I grew up as an urban poor dude in the United States, so please don't judge me. But I am loyal to my friends and family, and always offer myself when any help is needed. I never betray my family members.

Now my wife is more formal, and expects special manners in treating her, like a 19th century dame. whereas I struggle to be a gentleman due to my "rough guy" upbringing. However I am aware that I should restrain myself from saying things that might be considered slang talk. So I try to be respectful in words and treat her well. I do not say any bad word against her. I have been studying etiquete and proper (not American urban slang) English.

But there are also some actions that I do that my wife finds offensive. For instance last night she was watching a soap opera on TV while cooking in the kitchen. 15 minutes in I enter the room and notice that it's after 8pm and that means that college football is on. So without asking her, or even thinking much about it, I change the channel because I don't want to miss it, and continue watching as if nothing happened. Now my male friends wouldn't care about me randomly changing the channel, but my wife just "exploded" at the fact that I changed the channel without asking her. Yes it's true that I didn't ask her, but I didn't even think that I could have offended her by just changing the channel like that. It seems like a minor thing to me, not an issue. But for her it's extremely offensive and disrespectful. Although I didn't mean to disrespect her on purpose, I just changed the channel like a robot because football was on and I didn't want to miss that. I actually didn't notice that she was watching something else only until she yelled at me. I actually did see that her soap operas was on but it didn't occur to me at that time that she was watching and that changing the channel just like that would be disrespectful. Now that I think of it that actually makes sense, but I didn't even consider it when I did that.

Now my question for the women here is, what are some things that your husband does that offend or irritate you? Chances are, it's instinctive and no disrespect is meant. But I am getting the feeling that I have done multiple things already that my wife has found offensive, but kept it to herself. I sometimes do things without thinking about the consequences, or how it might affect others.

I want you all to give me some examples of seemingly minor things that husbands do that might leave emotional scars on the souls of wives.
 

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My husband has a way of "picking at me" that drives me crazy. If I'm cooking dinner, he will repeatedly ask if it's done yet. He's doing it as a joke, and he thinks it's funny but it drives me bonkers. He also has a very bad habit of not answering me when I ask him something. He'll just sit there and then I have to ask again. He can also be very passive aggressive in his comments. I'm currently painting a room in our house. Like the dinner questions he keeps asking me if I'm done yet (as a joke). Annoying. But I had to prime the room first and the paint went on a little thin the first coat. So I put on a second coat. He came in the room and asked if I was priming the walls or painting them white. Essentially saying that I was using too much primer. Generally any time I do a project on my own, he will offer "suggestions" or "comments" but rarely helps. Or he'll flat out tell me that something won't work even though I know it will. But NEVER offers to help.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
More specifically, I am not asking about concerns such as proper manners, such as the proper way to call someone. For example it would be appropriate for me to greet one of my dudes by giving them a light punch in the shoulder, but not appropriate in other places. I'm not talking about that.

What I'm talking about are subtle little things that men may do, which are disrespectful. For example making a decision without asking the wife if I should do it or not. Putting things out of the closet and not putting them back, or putting them in a different place. Or for example not opening a food package without my wife making sure that she wiped it over with hydrogen peroxide first.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Yeah I understand why that's rude it didn't occur to me at that time I did it. I literally had nothing on my mind then.
 

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Yeah I understand why that's rude it didn't occur to me at that time I did it. I literally had nothing on my mind then.
Not thinking about it at the time can also be offensive. It comes across as being self centered and really only caring about what you want to do/watch. I'm not attacking by saying that, just pointing out how it could come across. She's in the house with you. There's something on the TV. Consider that she may be watching something, not just "oh I want to watch this right now so I'm going to".
 

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Sit down and ask each other what are the three things I do that most annoy you--or two if you must. Then each of you work/concentrate on compromise or resolution. Doesn't matter what frustrates/irritates us--it is y'all together that are important here.
What you are saying to me is that your family didn't instill good manners in you deep enough and that your buddies rough, guy stuff has replaced it. Surely this is not true.

Think before you speak or act would be a good rule period.
 

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Sit down and ask each other what are the three things I do that most annoy you--or two if you must. Then each of you work/concentrate on compromise or resolution. Doesn't matter what frustrates/irritates us--it is y'all together that are important here.
What you are saying to me is that your family didn't instill good manners in you deep enough and that your buddies rough, guy stuff has replaced it. Surely this is not true.

Think before you speak or act would be a good rule period.

Very good.

As I'm always telling my boys; in every situation even if unclear - good manners will always leave you in a good spot to move forward.
 

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Surely just saying, 'are you watching this' would be sensible? Her blowing up seems very over the top though, its certainly not anything I would get worried about bar saying 'hey I was watching that.'
As for you not being allowed to open a food package before its been wiped with hydrogen peroxide, I find that bizarre.

Honestly we are both pretty easy going, neither of us gets stressed about things that just dont matter. The only thing I can think of is when we decorate, his decorating methods are the total oposite of mine and I can get pretty frustrated if we do it together. The last few rooms he has done on his own for this reason.
 

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I want to ask women, please give me examples of things your husband does which offends, agitates, irritates, shocks, disgusts, or disrespects you. Many times the question of what to do involves finding the answer to the question of what not to do, and then don't do it. I believe we can all learn from the mistakes of others.

It has been brought to my attention that there are some things that I unconsciously do which offend my wife. I do not understand just how bad my behavior does until after the fact. I sometimes do offensive things unconsciously, like a robot, without thinking about the consequences.

I have been raised in a masculine environment with "my guys", classmates from school with whom I have lived with when I was in college. It is rather normal for us to say cuss words at each other, and call each other names just on any occasion. And by that we don't take any offense at that, and consider such words normal. For example, "Ain't you pay our f*ckin rent @$$head?" is considered normal "guy talk". Now I grew up as an urban poor dude in the United States, so please don't judge me. But I am loyal to my friends and family, and always offer myself when any help is needed. I never betray my family members.

Now my wife is more formal, and expects special manners in treating her, like a 19th century dame. whereas I struggle to be a gentleman due to my "rough guy" upbringing. However I am aware that I should restrain myself from saying things that might be considered slang talk. So I try to be respectful in words and treat her well. I do not say any bad word against her. I have been studying etiquete and proper (not American urban slang) English.

But there are also some actions that I do that my wife finds offensive. For instance last night she was watching a soap opera on TV while cooking in the kitchen. 15 minutes in I enter the room and notice that it's after 8pm and that means that college football is on. So without asking her, or even thinking much about it, I change the channel because I don't want to miss it, and continue watching as if nothing happened. Now my male friends wouldn't care about me randomly changing the channel, but my wife just "exploded" at the fact that I changed the channel without asking her. Yes it's true that I didn't ask her, but I didn't even think that I could have offended her by just changing the channel like that. It seems like a minor thing to me, not an issue. But for her it's extremely offensive and disrespectful. Although I didn't mean to disrespect her on purpose, I just changed the channel like a robot because football was on and I didn't want to miss that. I actually didn't notice that she was watching something else only until she yelled at me. I actually did see that her soap operas was on but it didn't occur to me at that time that she was watching and that changing the channel just like that would be disrespectful. Now that I think of it that actually makes sense, but I didn't even consider it when I did that.

Now my question for the women here is, what are some things that your husband does that offend or irritate you? Chances are, it's instinctive and no disrespect is meant. But I am getting the feeling that I have done multiple things already that my wife has found offensive, but kept it to herself. I sometimes do things without thinking about the consequences, or how it might affect others.

I want you all to give me some examples of seemingly minor things that husbands do that might leave emotional scars on the souls of wives.
If you changed the channel on TV while I was watching it, I would find it obnoxious as it would clearly be obnoxious. Do not blame being obnoxious on being a man.
 

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Not picking up after yourself. Leaving socks/clothes on the floor for someone else to pick up.

I hate it when he leaves his plate on the table after eating, or when he just sets it in the sink. He SHOULD clean up after himself, empty the plate then rinse it off then put it in the dishwasher. Expecting me to pick up after him is super disrespectful.


 

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So if your wife walks in and changes the channel in the middle of your football game that would be just fine with you?

If the answer to that is no then you're eithet being dishonest about "not thinking about it" or you've simply decided that what you want is more important so of course it shouldn't be a big deal.

My ex would do things like that too and then play dumb, but the truth was that he decided that what I wanted was stupid and what he wanted was better because his judgment was superior.

Think about this....it could actually help you a lot in dealing with your wife. Would you have walked in on one of your buddies who was watching football game and changed the channel because you decided that you wanted a different football game so hey, no big deal?

I'm guessing no.
 

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Surely just saying, 'are you watching this' would be sensible? Her blowing up seems very over the top though, its certainly not anything I would get worried about bar saying 'hey I was watching that.'
As for you not being allowed to open a food package before its been wiped with hydrogen peroxide, I find that bizarre.

Honestly we are both pretty easy going, neither of us gets stressed about things that just dont matter. The only thing I can think of is when we decorate, his decorating methods are the total oposite of mine and I can get pretty frustrated if we do it together. The last few rooms he has done on his own for this reason.
It's not over the top if he has a history of deciding that what he wants is more important. You're assuming that this was a one off and I'd bet it's not.
 

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Not picking up after yourself. Leaving socks/clothes on the floor for someone else to pick up.

I hate it when he leaves his plate on the table after eating, or when he just sets it in the sink. He SHOULD clean up after himself, empty the plate then rinse it off then put it in the dishwasher. Expecting me to pick up after him is super disrespectful.


My faviorite comedien.
 

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Is your television always on, even when no one is watching it? The reason I ask that is because in our house, the television is only on when someone is watching it, even if they are coming and going while doing a chore. If I didn't turn it on myself I can be sure that someone else is already watching something even if they aren't in the room at the moment.

I would never change the channel on someone unless their show had ended.

If your television is always on, even if no one is watching it, I would understand why you might change the channel without checking with your wife first.
 

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Surely just saying, 'are you watching this' would be sensible? Her blowing up seems very over the top though, its certainly not anything I would get worried about bar saying 'hey I was watching that.'

As for you not being allowed to open a food package before its been wiped with hydrogen peroxide, I find that bizarre.
I suspect it's not the first time he's done this, hence her blowup. I can't get my head around how anyone could do that to be honest, just walk in, change channel and be all "whoa, why you pissed?".

The peroxide is likely a covid safety thing. At the height of it over here I would wash everything that came into the house, what I couldn't wash I would disinfect before opening/use. Don't do it now, no need, thanks to compulsory mask wearing and lockdowns we're in a great place re the Rona.
 

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I want you all to give me some examples of seemingly minor things that husbands do that might leave emotional scars on the souls of wives.
Seemingly minor things that might = emotional scars on the souls of wives.

Maybe it's the way I'm reading this, but 'seemingly minor' I suppose could downplay and invalidate reasonable requests that are important to a spouse, and 'emotional scars on the soul' dramatically portrays a victim of sorts without choice. However, I'm really struggling to connect the two sentiments.

Does your wife feel that her soul is emotionally scarred by your inconsiderate action to change the channel? If that happened in our home, it would simply be a matter of 'Oi! I'm watching that, turn it back.' Yet, we would likely ask one another first.

If someone feels they are consistently not considered, not listened to, undermined, or belittled, well, that's another story. And the spouse on the receiving end of such treatment, could make necessary changes rather than letting anger and resentment simmer away while self-worth slowly diminishes as a result of being treated poorly. So what is the overall dynamic of your marriage?
 

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But I am getting the feeling that I have done multiple things already that my wife has found offensive, but kept it to herself. I sometimes do things without thinking about the consequences, or how it might affect others.
Why don't you just discuss this with her? And if you know you do things without thinking about consequences and how it might affect others - if you're realizing that you're not content with that aspect of yourself, maybe it's a good time to start switching up your behavior. And that doesn't mean becoming a 'people pleaser' either.

How old are you both and how long have you been married (or living together)?
 
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