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I need some help with a situation and want people's unbiased opinions. My husband and I are in a long distance marriage currently but visit each other fairly often, usually once a week. Something happened the other day and he is so furious with me that he is threatening divorce and I don't know what to do because I think he's overreacting but hes saying anyone else would feel the same way he does and that hes being too nice with the situation. At this time he is refusing to see me for the rest of the summer over this. Let me start by saying that I am madly in love with my husband and would never intentionally do anything to hurt him or our relationship. There has been no infidelity in our relationship from either of us.

So here's what happened. The other day I went out with a female friend/coworker of mine for drinks and some food at a bar after work. We were there for a couple of hours hanging out and then her husband came to pick her up but ended up staying for a drink with us. It hadn't been the three of us for too long before we saw a male coworker happened to be at the same bar as well (by coincidence, he had not been invited initially) so we invited him to have a drink with us. We all had fun chatting until my friend and her husband decided to take off. My other male coworker and I decided to stay to finish our drinks before taking off. We were only there for about 20 more min and I then offered to give him a ride home so that he wouldn't have to cab (about 1am at that point). When I dropped him off we kept talking in the car for 20-30 min before he got out, went home and then I went home and went to bed at 1:45am. I had never hung out with this coworker outside of work prior and my husband hasn't met any of these people.

Would you consider this to be a situation to divorce someone over? I honestly don't see that I did anything wrong in this situation. He has never cheated on me and I never on him, we wouldn't do that to each other but my husband definitely has trust issues. We share access to everything and have find my friends and an automatic for our car, shared banking etc so he saw my every move. He knows how much I paid at the bar, when I left, how long I stayed at the bar, how long I was there when dropping off my coworker and when I got home. I have cameras in my apartment to keep an eye on our dogs when they are left home alone and he has access to that to and could have seen when I got home. I have no reason to lie to him but he says that by doing what I did that I crossed a line and he says that if he doesn't get a divorce that he will resent me for this for the rest of our lives.

I am completely distraught and at a loss for what to do. I don't understand how me giving my coworker a ride home warrants getting a divorce. I understand and he was upset that I spent alone time with a male but nothing remotely happened other than conversation. I'm hoping you all will help me understand his point of view or tell me that I'm not crazy or that he is overreacting. He is my whole world and I would be lost without him. If I had known doing that would upset him that much I obviously wouldn't have done it.

Any thoughts and opinions are welcome. Please help me!
 

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Some more info would be good.

How did you meet your husband? Was it online or in real life?

How long did you two date before you married and how long have you been married?

Have you two ever lived in the same city, in the same home, etc? Or have you always had a long distance relationship?

How old are the two of you.

Are you both American born/raised? Or is one or both of you from some other culture?

You are going to get different responses on this as some people think like your husband does and some don't.

My opinion is that there is nothing wrong with what you describe here. At the very worst, maybe you should have just let the guy get a taxi.

In the future I would suggest that if a similar situation ever arises you let grown up men worry about their own transportation. But I say that coming from the fact that I was raped once under a similar situation... by being reasonable/thoughtful for a guy a hardly knew. He used that to harm me. My rule now is never be alone with a man I am not 100% sure I can trust of in a car, walking were there are not a lot of people around, etc. That means I also do not accept rides from men, even those I worked with. Instead I find my own ride if my car is not available. But this is more about your safety because some small percentage of men are dangerous and you cannot always tell who they are.

I think your husband sees this as you having a date with another man. How would you feel if your husband did the same thing?

I sounds like you two have radical transparency. You told him what happened. He can even check up on you. I think he over reacted.

If it upsets him, he has the right to let you know. But his threatening divorce and not seeing you for months over this is way over the top.

Is he as transparent with you? Are there surveillance cameras in his home so that you check in on what he's doing? Can you track his vehicle?

I think that divorce over this is over the top. My bet is that he wanted an excuse for divorce and this is as good as any reason. Now he can file for divorce and blame it on you.

As over the top as his reaction is, he has the right to divorce over anything. All you can do is make your case to him.

If he is going to hold this over your for the rest of your marriage to him, then you should divorce him because that's basically him saying that anytime it will give him an advantage, he will emotionally beat you over the head with it. That's no way to live.

My suggestion is that you focus on yourself. Chasing after him, begging him to stay, etc. will not work. And start preparing for a divorce.
 

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I need some help with a situation and want people's unbiased opinions. My husband and I are in a long distance marriage currently but visit each other fairly often, usually once a week. Something happened the other day and he is so furious with me that he is threatening divorce and I don't know what to do because I think he's overreacting but hes saying anyone else would feel the same way he does and that hes being too nice with the situation. At this time he is refusing to see me for the rest of the summer over this. Let me start by saying that I am madly in love with my husband and would never intentionally do anything to hurt him or our relationship. There has been no infidelity in our relationship from either of us.

So here's what happened. The other day I went out with a female friend/coworker of mine for drinks and some food at a bar after work. We were there for a couple of hours hanging out and then her husband came to pick her up but ended up staying for a drink with us. It hadn't been the three of us for too long before we saw a male coworker happened to be at the same bar as well (by coincidence, he had not been invited initially) so we invited him to have a drink with us. We all had fun chatting until my friend and her husband decided to take off. My other male coworker and I decided to stay to finish our drinks before taking off. We were only there for about 20 more min and I then offered to give him a ride home so that he wouldn't have to cab (about 1am at that point). When I dropped him off we kept talking in the car for 20-30 min before he got out, went home and then I went home and went to bed at 1:45am. I had never hung out with this coworker outside of work prior and my husband hasn't met any of these people.

Would you consider this to be a situation to divorce someone over? I honestly don't see that I did anything wrong in this situation. He has never cheated on me and I never on him, we wouldn't do that to each other but my husband definitely has trust issues. We share access to everything and have find my friends and an automatic for our car, shared banking etc so he saw my every move. He knows how much I paid at the bar, when I left, how long I stayed at the bar, how long I was there when dropping off my coworker and when I got home. I have cameras in my apartment to keep an eye on our dogs when they are left home alone and he has access to that to and could have seen when I got home. I have no reason to lie to him but he says that by doing what I did that I crossed a line and he says that if he doesn't get a divorce that he will resent me for this for the rest of our lives.

I am completely distraught and at a loss for what to do. I don't understand how me giving my coworker a ride home warrants getting a divorce. I understand and he was upset that I spent alone time with a male but nothing remotely happened other than conversation. I'm hoping you all will help me understand his point of view or tell me that I'm not crazy or that he is overreacting. He is my whole world and I would be lost without him. If I had known doing that would upset him that much I obviously wouldn't have done it.

Any thoughts and opinions are welcome. Please help me!
I’m not judging you by any means but you were a long time in the bar with this guy. Then you gave him a ride home and talked for another thirty minutes. This is someone who you meet everyday,in your husbands shoes I would be wondering what you found so interesting that you stayed talking until almost one forty five am.
I’m not surprised that your husband feels uncomfortable and I think you need to read your post as if someone else wrote it.
 

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There are two things you mentioned which set off my alarm bells....

First.

My husband and I are in a long distance marriage currently but visit each other fairly often, usually once a week.
The second is

At this time he is refusing to see me for the rest of the summer over this
.

I think a normal response would be to tell you he's upset and doesn't want you to do that again. The fact that he's not going to see you for the reminder of the summer is way over the top. You two are long distance makes me think HE could be having an affair and is projecting onto you. Have you observed any changes in his behavior recently? Is he still affectionate and attentive?
 

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Are you an overly trusting person or maybe naive when it comes to relationships? I can see how it's possible you might see nothing wrong with what you did, but what you did is very often how affairs start. Even if you had no thoughts of that, it sure looks like it from what you said. And you have to remember that the coworker is going to be assuming things based on what happened. I wouldn't be surprised he starts contacting you more often, coming around your desk, etc. He's going to think you like him and you want to take things to the next step.

If you were single, what do you think would happen in this scenario? From the outside, it seems like the way you two might start hanging out more often and start dating. If a single woman is paying that much attention to a single guy, the common assumption is that she likes him.

You don't have to give up talking to men just because you're married, but you should keep the relationship with them at an appropriate distance. If you have conversations where it's flirty, he's going to think you're flirting with him. So try to keep things at a more professional or acquaintance level so that no one gets the wrong idea (including your husband).
 

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Something else for you to think about op.
How long were you drinking for and still decided you were sober enough to drive?
It seems that your bad decisions weren’t limited to being alone with another man in the early hours of the morning.
 

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Something else for you to think about op.
How long were you drinking for and still decided you were sober enough to drive?
It seems that your bad decisions weren’t limited to being alone with another man in the early hours of the morning.
Unless. of course, as a driver she was not drinking alcoholic drinks?
 

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When someone writes that they went to a bar for drinks I think it’s fair to assume the don’t mean cola. But you play devils advocate if you’re so inclined.
 

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I need some help with a situation and want people's unbiased opinions. My husband and I are in a long distance marriage currently but visit each other fairly often, usually once a week. Something happened the other day and he is so furious with me that he is threatening divorce and I don't know what to do because I think he's overreacting but hes saying anyone else would feel the same way he does and that hes being too nice with the situation. At this time he is refusing to see me for the rest of the summer over this. Let me start by saying that I am madly in love with my husband and would never intentionally do anything to hurt him or our relationship. There has been no infidelity in our relationship from either of us.

So here's what happened. The other day I went out with a female friend/coworker of mine for drinks and some food at a bar after work. We were there for a couple of hours hanging out and then her husband came to pick her up but ended up staying for a drink with us. It hadn't been the three of us for too long before we saw a male coworker happened to be at the same bar as well (by coincidence, he had not been invited initially) so we invited him to have a drink with us. We all had fun chatting until my friend and her husband decided to take off. My other male coworker and I decided to stay to finish our drinks before taking off. We were only there for about 20 more min and I then offered to give him a ride home so that he wouldn't have to cab (about 1am at that point). When I dropped him off we kept talking in the car for 20-30 min before he got out, went home and then I went home and went to bed at 1:45am. I had never hung out with this coworker outside of work prior and my husband hasn't met any of these people.

Would you consider this to be a situation to divorce someone over? I honestly don't see that I did anything wrong in this situation. He has never cheated on me and I never on him, we wouldn't do that to each other but my husband definitely has trust issues. We share access to everything and have find my friends and an automatic for our car, shared banking etc so he saw my every move. He knows how much I paid at the bar, when I left, how long I stayed at the bar, how long I was there when dropping off my coworker and when I got home. I have cameras in my apartment to keep an eye on our dogs when they are left home alone and he has access to that to and could have seen when I got home. I have no reason to lie to him but he says that by doing what I did that I crossed a line and he says that if he doesn't get a divorce that he will resent me for this for the rest of our lives.

I am completely distraught and at a loss for what to do. I don't understand how me giving my coworker a ride home warrants getting a divorce. I understand and he was upset that I spent alone time with a male but nothing remotely happened other than conversation. I'm hoping you all will help me understand his point of view or tell me that I'm not crazy or that he is overreacting. He is my whole world and I would be lost without him. If I had known doing that would upset him that much I obviously wouldn't have done it.

Any thoughts and opinions are welcome. Please help me!
He is refusing to see you for the rest of the summer? :eek:

What? He's not seeing you from May until maybe September? Really? Four months is a mighty long time to sit and brood all by his lonesome.

Newsflash for your husband: He is not being too nice.

In fact, he is acting in a rather strange way, in my opinion.

And neither of you have cheated? Well, you can be sure that 50% of the participants in your marriage haven't cheated, but as for the other 50% The jury's still out.

As for his behaviour? Well...

 

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When someone writes that they went to a bar for drinks I think it’s fair to assume the don’t mean cola. But you play devils advocate if you’re so inclined.
Not at all. I worked with someone who, if they were driving their car to an after work drink/meal always stuck to soft drinks because as she said: "It's not worth risking my licence over."
 

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If everything happened as you said it did, then your husband's reaction is WAY over the top...methinks the man doth protest too much...I wonder why.

Maybe, you could have let the bloke cab it home, but still, your husband is over reacting.

I gave a male co-worker a lift home after a group of us worked late one night. It was about 11pm, he asked me if I could drop him off, I said sure. He was married, I was single. Guess what happened? We got in the car, I drove him home and then I drove home. That's IT.

Your husband is well within his rights to feel a certain way, and to let you know that he didn't like that you did that and please don't do it again, but this is ridiculous. You need to surprise him one weekend and see what he's up to. If he does divorce you, it's not because of this, he already wanted an out, saw an opportunity and took it.
 

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If everything happened as you said it did, then your husband's reaction is WAY over the top...methinks the man doth protest too much...I wonder why.

Maybe, you could have let the bloke cab it home, but still, your husband is over reacting.

I gave a male co-worker a lift home after a group of us worked late one night. It was about 11pm, he asked me if I could drop him off, I said sure. He was married, I was single. Guess what happened? We got in the car, I drove him home and then I drove home. That's IT.

Your husband is well within his rights to feel a certain way, and to let you know that he didn't like that you did that and please don't do it again, but this is ridiculous. You need to surprise him one weekend and see what he's up to. If he does divorce you, it's not because of this, he already wanted an out, saw an opportunity and took it.
Or he will take a 'hall pass' and have a fling?

He doesn't get to do that.
 

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Do you think it would be appropriate for you to go out and get drinks with a single male colleague? If not, why do your friends leaving in order to create that circumstance make it any more tolerable?

I think you did indeed cross a boundary, though not a divorce-worthy one.
 

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I am far more concerned that you both think its normal healthy behaviour to constantly check up on where you each are, follow your every move, how much you spend and that he even watches you at home all day. I have had dogs for many years and you do not need to have a camera to keep an eye on them. I think he seems paranoid and controlling.
 

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He is mad, feels like you are sharing yourself with local guys in a way he can't be with you. Not seeing you for the rest of the summer would hurt both of you--weird 'punishment'. How long have you been married? Is this a first marriage for both?

Divorce--does he mean this? Then, it is an excuse or he is over-controlling. Does he want a polygraph from you?

How long is this long distance relationship supposed to last and why? Did y'all have boundaries that you crossed? What could be so important that you stayed in your car 'talking' early in the morning when you KNEW you husband would realize something was off? Were you trying to subconsciously push his limits? You love him and he thinks he will resent you--Where is trust?

If you both want this marriage to work, y'all could attempt marriage counseling. A third-party mediator may be able to help with the underlying issues that y'all don't seem to recognize.
 

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I can definitely understand that he would be upset, but to then refuse to speak with you for 4 months? This is immature at best, manipulative at worse.

If he refuses to speak with you, then you might as well get a divorce. Seriously. If you already only get together once a week, and now at all, is that even a marriage?

Do the two of you co-mingle assets? If you do, separate them now.
 

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The guy sees his wife out until the early hours with another man and of course he’s going to be pissed. He probably said he didn’t want to meet for months in a fit of pique.
I think he will come around when he calms down but his wife needs a quick lesson in boundaries and their uses.
Is there another married man on this forum who would be happy that his wife stayed out until almost two am with another man while he was working out of town. And spent a good while of this time alone in her car with him.
As for her male “friend” he now probably thinks he has a new girlfriend.
 

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When I dropped him off we kept talking in the car for 20-30 min before he got out, went home and then I went home and went to bed at 1:45am. I had never hung out with this coworker outside of work prior and my husband hasn't met any of these people.

While in the car at 1am for 30 mins alone, were any of you at any point listening to Simply Red? If not, I would forgive you if I was him.

PS: You need to figure out how to make the long distance marriage, a non-distance because eventually one of you is going to **** up (and put on a song by Simply Red by mistake).


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

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Looking at it from his prospective, I can see why he's so upset. He has no idea what is going on with you while you're gone. Now, maybe the checking up is being over protective and maybe it's being too possessive. Either way, a woman, in a bar and then a car until the wee hours of the night with another man would upset any husband. If your husband came here and posted his side of this story he'd get a ton of replies telling him you were banging this guy from work and he needed to put a VAR in your car.

How to proceed from here? I'd say you need to go to him to talk this out in person. Explain that cheating never even entered your mind, you were out with friends and the night got late. But, tell him you understand how it may look from his side so you want to do what you can to make it right with him.

If, as some are suggesting, he's projecting his own cheating onto you, you'll need to keep an eye out for that as well.

I'm not sure how a relationship, never mind a marriage can survive long term with seeing each other only one day a week. His answer to not see each other all summer will lead to divorce, end of story. Ask him if that's what he's really angling for and if so, just file and spare both of you months and months of misery.
 

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I agree with most of what NOTMYJAMIE wrote, response #19.

I will add, I think your husbands reaction is extreme however I don't believe he means it. I suspect he was speaking out of anger and hurt, only. If you were my wife I would have been just as angry and hurt by this situation. You are married. Married to someone you claim is "your world" and "would be lost" without. The cost for that kind of relationship is NOT acting like you are single. The proper behavior from your husbands perspective, and mine, would have been to let this man take care of his own way home. It was his choice to go to that bar in the first place, his choice to stay out so long. He is not your responsibility. Your husband is looking for signs that HE is your priority, not some male co-worker. That you are thinking "hey this might not look good in terms of my marriage" rather than showing sympathy for another man that you have no duty to.

In case you are young and naive enough to believe otherwise, let me assure you that no long distance relationship, let alone a marriage, is viable for the long term. And in the short term it is extremely difficult, as you are now finding out. Neither of you knows what they other is doing when you aren't together. Seeing him "usually" once a week means that you aren't seeing him once a week ALL the time, and that's not good. Temptations are everywhere and EVERYONE can be tempted. That's the problem with you giving this male co-worker a ride home. It doesn't matter that it was innocent and nothing happened. And just so you understand, you should be JUST as concerned if your husband gives female co-workers a ride home under the same circumstances.

This idea that nothing happened so nothing is wrong doesn't work in marriage. Both of you, especially in a long distance marriage, need to act in total and complete respect of the marriage. That means the next time, you say "well, gotta go...have a nice night". And if a man asks you for a ride home you say, "I'm sorry, my husband would not like the appearance of my giving a man he doesn't know a ride home at this late hour."

Period. That's it.
 
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