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Discussion Starter #1
Hi guys,

I started this discussion in the Divorce and Seperation panel and almost hijacked a thread there. I am moving it here and would like to hear from guys what you think. It's a loooong story. We are in mid-20s, married for 4 years. Most of the time she was a student and we were in a distant relationship.

She graduated recently and is looking for a job. However, that is easier said than done, she's spent past half year or so looking for a career without any success. I support her looking for a career that suits her so I'm not in any hurry, but she is getting frustrated and starting to talk about moving to a different country more and more frequently. I'm in a career where I spent at least 60hrs/week working, so my fault for not be able to spend too much time with her. During the past half year or so, she is becoming increasingly moody and short tempered, and started to exhibit emotional bully traits (10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully « A Shrink for Men).

We recently went on a 2-week long vacation in Europe. While we initially were having fun, but as days drag on and we became tired, she became increasingly negative all the time (complaint that I'm not focusing on her, complaint that I want to do some work, complaint that I'm not taking enough pictures of her, complaint that tour is too slow, complaint that her views are blocked...). I would become the target: why didn't I have balls to tell the lady in front of her to move, why didn't I take picture from this angle to that angle, etc, and would start screaming in front of all the tourists and throw a tantrum at fellow tourists (you are huge! can't you see you are blocking everyone's view?). She is very into fitness lately, and she constantly thinks that she needs to fight everyone in Europe and talks about she can take everyone on by her self.

After we came back from vacation, she seemed to relax a bit but were still very moody. We have a dog together and she claims that I'm bribing the dog to love me more (I'm away from home 12hrs a day!). She completely stopped contributing to household maintenance.

About 4 days ago, we were having a little fun sparring in the backyard, but one time we hit each other a bit too hard and she started screaming profanities and started punching and kicking me like mad. Since we were still in sparring gear I laughed it off and let her blow off her steam a bit. She hit me once hard enough to rupture my ear drum. That ended with me calling her some names and back in the house. However, half hour later she found me in living room and started going all out again. This time she was a bit out of control and started hacking away with kitchen knives. I really lost temper this time. I pinned her to remove the knives and told her that "she out-stayed her welcome at my house" and she "should pack up and get out of here".

Right now, we are sleeping in different bedrooms in a complete cold war. Just today, she accused me of attacking her.

At the recommendation of GettingWiser, I got the book No More Mr. Nice Guy last night and finished it. The book resonated loudly with me.


- I am a fixer / caretaker. I mentioned in my post “If you don't want me to do anything why do you want to talk about it?”.
- I avoid conflict. Most of the time I just let her get away making scene outside and avoid talking about it afterwards. This is why wife gets away with picking fights outside again and again.
- I repress my feelings and over analyze. Wife’s constant complaint is “tell me what you think, don’t tell me according to some research paper how you should feel!”.
- I do not place my needs as priority. Hence as a single man I can achieve 5% body fat, but after marriage I stopped going to gym completely focusing on work and taking care of family and 20% overweight. I do not take the time off needed for myself.
- I make her my emotional center. I don’t hang out with anyone else except for her, and may have unconsciously become needy. Especially recently my best buddy at work quit several months ago, I do not talk anything non-technical at work with anyone.


Above faults may cause some of the non-nice symptoms that Glover brings up:
- I give to get – that is, I give expecting the same in return. I grow annoyed when my output far exceeds my input.
- I can be dishonest or secretive – more out of fear than malice. If something bad happens, I try to fix it so no one notices. When I do something bad, I am too scared to bring it up. Day in and day out, it’s becomes hard to see what is true about me. Perhaps this is why she constantly accuses me of being a liar.
- I am full of rage – however I don’t let it out. Only time I let myself get truly angry is while driving home when I know that after a hard day’s work, I’m only driving back to another life of total powerlessness. But I will hide this feeling as I walk in through the door.
- I am passive aggressive. During my off days, I do not want to join her for activities, but still tags along – and sulks the whole time. She gets miserable and we fight.

==========================

This book is wonderful. Wife had pointed out many of these things before but I didn’t put them together in a whole picture.
Granted, the way she behaved was unacceptable. However, I can definitely see why she would feel that way, and I might begin to have an understanding of the frustration she must have felt the whole time. I’m not excusing her behavior: she was total loose cannon. But I do have my faults in driving her there. Above lists form the agenda of what I want to talk to her about. We’ll see where that leads us.

Any comments?

EDIT: I feel we are both very hurt. I don't know if I should talk to her first, or wait for her 180 style.
 

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I got to pulled a knife on me and started trying to hack me and stopped reading

When anyone pulls a weapon on someone else, it's time to seriously think about the relationship and how much your life is worth to keep trying to fix it.
 

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Let's say all these things about you are true. Kitchen Knives? ruptured eardrums? I think this might go beyond 'No more mr nice guy' Being a nice guy does not cause a woman to react violently unless she has major issues of her own. Issues which most likely have nothing to do with you. I'm sorry but she sounds unstable. Have you thought about it from this perspective? Not saying you shouldn't work on yourself but there might be bigger issues here.
 

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It sounds like she has some strong negative emotions against you. She sees you as her enemy in a sense. I am sorry for your situation. It seems to me that it's to the point where nothing you can do would help. If you are patient and non-confrontational she will probably try to antagonize you. If you directly oppose her then she will attack you like an enemy of her well being. I'm so sorry for you man. I would suggest counseling. I also would suggest taking care of yourself. I don't know if I could live in the same house with this kind of person.
 

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She's certifiably psycho and she doesn't need to be unrestrained in the presence of other human beings or any other life-form that bleeds. "Fixer" or not, there is no excuse for arming oneself with cutlery and threatening others. I have the patience of Job, but even I wouldn't tolerate threats against my life. There are billions of women on this earth. They all seem a bit odd at times but very few will actually kill you. She seems like she could. Ditch her or check her into a psych ward. If you ditched her, would your life seriously be worse? She isn't working. She's a drama queen. She's violent, bossy, and abusive. To put a cherry on top of that nasty sundae, she doesn't even keep house. Other than exchanging oxygen into carbon dioxide, thereby helping your house plants, what benefit are you gaining from her presence?
 

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Didn't you mention on your other thread that your wife had an affair?? Violent, selfish, disrespectful, emotionally abusive, and a cheater... Why do you need this in your life????
 

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Discussion Starter #8
That is what I suspect. Other than a couple years as single, what do I have to lose?

I'm going to start 180. Let's how long she will stay by herself.
 

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I don't think you need to do that. I think you need to get away from her altogether. But do what you feel my man. I know it's not exactly easy to just leave someone you are emotionally invested in, even if they do things that threaten your well being.
 

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You do a 180 and turn your back on this woman and you just might find a steak knife impaled in your spine.
LOL, guess the only thing left for me to do is put her on a pedastal and pray for her favors. And bring the animal sacrifices once a week is must so that she does not enter a rage and throw out a thunderbolt!

You don't need a 180. You need a lawyer, a large dog, a big pistol loaded with silver bullets, a garlic necklace, a mallet, and some wooden stakes. A vial of Holy Water couldn't hurt.
This is hilerous.. the common consensus on the forum is that she is the devil reborn.
 

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You don't need a 180. You need a lawyer, a large dog, a big pistol loaded with silver bullets, a garlic necklace, a mallet, and some wooden stakes. A vial of Holy Water couldn't hurt.
:iagree::smthumbup:
 

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I said what was needed. We bumped into eachother in bathroom and I uttered a few words.

I told her that I was sorry for the part of escalation. I thanked her for the opportunity for such a through self relection as I had previously, and hoped that time might find us toleratable to each other again.

Ball is now in her court. Move out / get papers / whatever. My part is done.
 

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Glad I had closure. She just stormed out of bedroom yelling I'm selfish for moving the cell phone charger to my room.

Ahhh I'm going to miss this woman. Funny how she still walks around the house and me in undies.
 

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I'm curious. How did you meet this woman? Does she have a troubled past? Were their any red flags in the beginning? Of course we are only hearing you side but she just sounds quite unreasonable.
 

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Discussion Starter #17 (Edited)
We met in college. I was senior, and VP for the student council. She was an international student, first year. Due to weather, her flights were re-routed in a very f_ed up way, and I drove an hour to a nearby airport and "picked her up".

I have my faults. In my old thread, I had a list of good/bad things about me. Of course, after reading the NMMNG book, I realize my flaws are much more serious than that, as I fall into the stereotype pretty spot-on.

1. I don't make enough time for her. I leave for work by 7am in the morning, while she is still sleeping. I don't get home until at least 8~9pm. I cook dinner 90% of the time, and by the time we are done eating it is usually well past 10pm. I usually try to get some of my second job done the next couple of hours and we just sleep by 2am. She has to drags me out on weekends. I'm less than ethuasitc about going out with her on weekends, I tend to want to just "hang out" in the house. She wants me to spend time with her, go to local places, drive to nearby beach or mountain.

2. I am messy. After I cook sometimes I leave dishes piling for 2~3 days. I don't fold laundry, I put clothing straight into laundry hamper and pick out what I need from there. However, she doesn't even know how to use the washer! I have to wash and dry everything, every time! She doesn't know how to use any applicanes in the house, and she would often put away her stuff during the first 30 minutes, than spend the next 30 minutes yelling at me for "never putting stuff away"!

3. She finds it hard to communicate with me. Probably my fault since I often find it difficult to express my feelings. I get impatient very quickly when she wants to talk since it quickly degenerates into vulgarities. I want to know what she wants me to do, but that just frustrates her more. If you don't want me to do anything why do you want to talk about it?

4. I used to be very fit (5~8% body fat, well built). However, I'm currently very out of shape (overweight).

=====

1. I work my ass off. I work as engineer, and we are in our mid-20s. Based on my income, we are living in a very comfortable and huge home in a country club. I don't have any drug / alcohol abuses. I am 100% supporting us financially. She continuously say that I'm a cheap bastard, despite of having not worked a single day of her life.

2. I am responsible. If I say I'll get something done, it will be done by the time she wants it. However, she insists to dictate the exact time that I need to do something. This frustrates me to no end and was the source of many arguments.

3. I am considerate. However, she always thinks I'm doing something behind her back. For example, I'll see her shivering and will offer to turn up the temperature. She'll snap at me saying that I am cold and wants to turn up the temperature. Then she'll accuse me of being a liar for refusing to admit that I am cold and want to turn up the temperature.

Does she have a troubled past?
Her first love, and the only one before me, was a "sugar-daddy" relationship. She dated him from early teens to early twentys, and he was very prominent politician / socialiate in his 50s.

She is very distant from her parents due to the involvement of the said sugar daddy.
 

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I knew it.

There is a similar thread of a guy who has a Japanese wife. I'm not trying to disrespect any cultures. But you just described the typical troubled dynamics of western and asian marriage. All women like a men with status but it's even more prominent in asian cultures. Hence the sugar daddy. Your wife is incompetent of domestic duties but still feels she has the right to demand certain things of you. That's because she is spoiled and has little interest in catering to a man. You have to cater to her. You are a man. Therefore you should be able to take any verbal or physical punishment she gives you. If you cannot then she is not at fault. You are just weak. Any sense of trying to find common ground is negated because culturally a lot of asian women view marriage as a business agreement. Meaning they attempt to gain as much as possible while giving as little as possible. That's why she is being so stubborn. She doesn't want to give anything to you because she is just feels you should just give to her. That's also why her attitude is emasculating towards you. She just wants you to submit to her will and what she wants. I cringe everytime I hear someone say an asian wife is submissive.

Not all asian women are like this. But you would be surprised how books like "His and Her needs" will not even apply to a lot of other cultures concepts of marriage.
 
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