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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My wife loves me but is not in love with me. After 8 years the sexual attraction is gone. She had an affair, and now I am trying to win her back. Basically, she wants me to make her jealous. She wants me to be confident and have women want me. She thinks this might make her want me again.

I have very high moral and ethical standards and do not like where this might lead me, but I love her and will try anything to keep her.

My question is this: What do women find attractive in a social interaction? I am pretty sure that anyone who spends enough time talking to me ends up liking me. I am a nice guy with a great sense of humor. But that doesn't get anyone's motor running, so to speak. I am slightly overweight (although working very hard to change that), and believe that I am average to above average looking. I am 5'11'' 200lbs with dark brown hair and dark brown eyes. Although I am overweight, I do carry well (I can flex fat!). I am an above average dresser. Working with these assets/handicaps, what are other things I can focus on?

Thanks.
 

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I'll give you my thoughts on that with some concrete examples, because I think men (and women) can pull this off without being inappropriate or leading anyone on. If I am in the grocery store, at the gym, or whatever with my husband and he shows confidence (say the cashier is an attractive woman) and starts small talk with her & says something funny to make her smile or laugh it does make me think other women find him attractive....ok, here's a real one that happened...we were at the gym on this machine that I hate and my husband went to the drinking fountain so when he came back I did the 'Will Ferrill Anchorman' line...999, one thousand...did you see that honey, I just did 1000 and I feel the burn...the guy on the machine next to us started laughing and my husband told me later...that guy has been looking at you since we got here...I said does that bug you? He said, no cuz you're hot and you're with me. I would think that's what she means....Women are attracted to powerful men, charming/funny men because when you are in a room full of people, they naturally draw attention from all those around them and it creates some sense of a challenge to gain their attention...if that makes any sense at all.
 

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Women want attractive, confident, friendly men, but then after marriage it seems that they want the exact opposite. Any woman or man who takes score of how many people look at their spouse, or how often their spouse looks at another person is asking for trouble. Nothing but pain can ensue from such bizarre conduct. It sounds like you are having success and having fun. Be proud of your mate and enjoy the fact that others think good things of them!
 

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Hey brokenfrag,

I been married 11 years dated my wife 7 prior to that, so same woman for 18 years.


Now I'm 38 currently, but during the whole time dating and married to my wife I have gone out with my buddies, to bars, clubs, etc Now I am a social person and get bored rather easily, So I will just strike up conversations and be goofy to an extent.

the reasons my friends would go with me because I ahd a habbit of "breaking the ice" with many women, because I am a natural flirt. While I ahve never cheated on my wife, I always found it easy to meet women.

What do women like? Confidence and funny/sweet.

no need to impress, just talk about everyday things.

One time I was at a bar and we had a beautiful female bar tender and I was there with my buddy, So a little small chat I said to her, Hey did you know I was a famous model? ( I am average looking BTW) Her curiousiness was aroused, She replied "oh really" and I was like yep, I am well known in the modeling world, She then said, Well how come I never seen you in magazines or on TV? I siad, you have dear, you just don't know it, she replied oh really? I am like yep, you see I am a world famous "sock" model, I ahve the best looking feet this side of the mississippi....she then realized I was joking and laughed her head off and we got free drinks. :)

You see laughter and just being nice helps, just talk to them.

Do you ahve any female friends that your wife does not know that could help you out? play along for you?

Also what about your wife going to the bar and sitting there and you come up and you hit on her?? like she was a stranger? that could be a turn on for her.

try new things....
 

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Use your sense of humour, women love men that make them laugh.. It's a confidence thing. If you feel inside, that you are attractive, then you will be on the outside too.

Can you dance? A man not afraid to strut his stuff on the dancefloor is attractive.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thank you all for your replies.

I have intentionally never flirted with women because I feel that would be disrespecful to my wife. When I am out with her, I give her my full attention.

Unfortunately, because of this, I am horribly out of practice. I do have a very good sense of humor and can get a laugh out of just about anyone (although I have to admit, I don't think I could ever pull off the sock model joke. that was brilliant), but I have never done it specifically to flirt.

Unfortunately, I don't dance. I think I might be ok, but I definitely don't have the confidence to go out and dance by myself. I have a buddy who is a DJ and has been quite successful in the Washington DC club scene. I might work with him to get some pointers.

It is tough to find the natural confidence to flirt when there is so much pressure on me to be successful. If I were single and just going out to have fun, I do think it would come pretty naturally to me. But since I am doing it to try to save my marriage (how weird is that?) I may put too much pressure on myself.

I don't have any "wing" girls that I can rely on because of my insistance on not developing friendships with women (to avoid doing what my wife ended up doing to me).

My sister might be the closest thing, and she might actually be the best one because she is good looking, several years younger (and has some pretty darn good looking friends). Unfortunately, she is in law school some 3 hours away from me and has ZERO time to go out.

Oh well. Just about everything you all said, I already kind of figured. I just have to get out there and start practicing and getting comfortable. Maybe I will get lucky and find a replacement for my wife! Just kidding. Kind of.
 

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Do you have any Male friends that ahve really good looking wives that could help you out? If you were in Atlanta, My wife would help out, she is a georgous red head. :D

But maybe some buddies wife can be your "wing person" tell them your plan to get your wife jealous, that after you flirt with his wife a bit and your wife gets jealous, and you buy them dinner on the side for their help.

Even have a routine, that you hit on your buddies wife and he plays the part of the jealous "guy" but his wife, turns him down...to have a drink with you....that could heat things up a bit.

But Sounds like from reading this one and other posts, you need something more....It sounds like your wife needs something exciting to happen. You need to get to the core of what she really wants and act on it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Well, I stumbled upon a love letter and a poem from my wife's paramour. It is the kind of thing that I wrote to her when I was 19. It was all about how nobody understood him until now. He didn't know what love was until now. She makes him strong. He loves her for who he is with her. He sees her passion, her compassion, all the love she has in her. He wants to spend his life with her. His poem was actually pretty good.

And she fell for it. It is like they are two lovesick teenagers. She is 30, he is 24. She is married, he has a child that he is fighting for custody over with his soon to be exwife. They both have security clearances for the Department of Defense and are otherwise responsible adults. They are not kids. This isn't the time in life where you think a crush means ultimate compatibility for forever. You don't just dump your husband of 8 years because some cute guy from your office writes you a love letter and a poem.

Here I was thinking that I needed to dance a little better or lose a couple pounds. She doesn't want me to make her jealous. She wants me to sweep her off her feet again. She wants to feel what we had during our honeymoon. How can I do that by hitting on women? I can reintroduce romance, passion, excitement, but it is impossible to replicate the intense puppy love that she is feeling right now. It is a hormonal thing that happens to all of us at the beginning of a relationship.

I would just be making a fool out of myself while she makes a fool out of me.

Is this a woman that I should even try to win back? Someone who flakes out on our marriage the first time some good looking guy writes her a poem? I always treated her with as much love and respect as I knew how. I was there for her during her physical ailments, I was there during her bouts with depression. That is real love, that is constant. That isn't puppy love or whatever she thinks she has.

So what if I win her back again. Will I have to do this all over again when another guy comes along?
 

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I had a conversation with my husband after I found out about his emotional affair and told him what you said about initial chemistry and attraction...that eventually it will fade. I also told him if that's what he was seeking, that he should not be married (to me or anyone) that he should be a perpetual dater. I found out about her a few days after I completely broke down (I had suspicions something was going on for a week or so) and he decided then that he did love me and wanted to work things out. He broke things off with her the next day (which is also the day I found out because he forgot his cell phone at home). So, at that point, he said he didn't want that, he did want to stay married but the excitement of it all sucked him right in. In hindsight, he's ashamed that he let himself get caught up in it (he's a brilliant guy and very self-critical) and resents her for coming on to him (looking back he feels she had everything to gain and he had everything to lose) and feels horrible for hurting me the way he has. I never thought I'd stick around after something like this, but never say never I guess. The only way I was able to move forward was to tell him my expectations. That he end all non-professional contact, conversations, lunches, etc (they still work together) and keep me in the loop anytime she does veer from that and that if he ever got to that point again in our marriage, that he would respect me enough to talk to me about it and go from there. What she is currently feeling will fade, but I wouldn't stick around and be her Plan B...She needs to step up and decide to completely end things with him or lose you. You don't deserve to have your emotions played with like this and certainly should not have to compete with anyone for her love.
 

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Keep in mind today is a different world. When I was younger (17) I lived with my grandmother and ask her how she had kept her marriage so long. Her responce was that after the attraction you have trust, and stability. Those things just are not enough anymore since people want to have it all now a days. They still want to feel great about themselves, they still want the passion and the romance and if their SO can't do it there are now plenty of people that will since divorce is so common and easy now a days.

Relationship like life require more work now a days then ever before. More then are parents or grand parents ever had to deal with.

I was always a romantic so the idea of still writing those love letters to my wife even after ten years of marriage isn't an issue for me, I do that anyways.

We have been able to keep the fire alive because we always touch, through kiss, hugs, holding hands, cuddling, back rubs etc. often it doesn't lead to sex but because of it we have a great sex life.

We always have an open communication too. We are able to talk about anything which wasn't always the case but through trial and error we learned how to talk and listen to each other. We set boundries that each of us feel comfortable with and respect.

After all these years I still find my wife attractive, infact more so now then before. She has confidence in her self and keeps herelf in great shape because of where she works and what she does. My wife says that although she does find me attractive she is never instantly turned on. But it is often my kiss that get her in the mood. But I never expect anything to just happen because when it does it feels magical and I am thankful for the blessing of our relationship.

At parties etc, I think attraction is many factors. Before the onset of my MD I use to dance A LOT. The fact I was always smiling, having a good time made it easy for people to approach me. The more a loof I was the more attraction women had towards me. Mostly before my wife I just wanted to have a good time and being a wall flower with a frown, looking depressed while sipping alcohol didn't fit the bill for me.

So the question to you is does your wife want to be attracted to you, feel like you are attractive and has to compete for you, or have you rebuild the romance like when the two of you first met?

If I had to guess I'd say it was a bit of all three but 80% of the last one. If you ate left overs once without mind and then all of the sudden always had leftovers day in and day out after a while you'd want a fresh meal. I think she might feel that the relationship has gone into complacency and wants to feel alive again.

I see to many people who finally get it when it is to late. When anything that they do will seem fake. In an odd way I am lucky. I lost my first wife due to her cheating. However I learned more about long term relationships from her then anyone else. My second marriage is strong because I have learned what it takes, and how to communicate with my partner.

If your marriage survives this maybe you too will be better off, knowing what to do to keep the spirit of the relationship alive.

I try to do something for the wife every day. Even if it is just a little thing.

draconis
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I know it is wrong, but I am envious of you, Swedish. Your husband instantly saw what a fool he had been and is working hard to earn your love and trust back.

My wife still hasn't decided if the "love" she feels for this guy is just a crush or if it is something more, something we cannot have. Maybe her hesitation is a sign that she just doesn't have what it takes to see reality for what it is. Maybe it is a sign for me to let her live the way she thinks she must and to get on with my life.

I hope, Draconis, that I will be as fortunate as you are to have found a second, and better shot at love after your first marriage.

I have my eyes wide open now, and will never make the same mistakes again, but it is hard to believe that I will get a second chance. The loneliness that I feel right now, even though I am still married and share a bed with my wife makes the thought of being completely alone nearly unbearable.

I will give her some time to show me that she really cares. If she can't, then she will have to really hit rock bottom and lose the only person who has always been there for her. I still don't think she and the other guy have a shot at long term happiness because of the way she is and the way they started, but I guess that will no longer be any of my business.

I just hope she can be classy enough to not go to him right away. That she will allow me to pick up the pieces of my life in dignity and peace. Don't know if that is realistic to hope for after the way she has already treated me.

Thank you all for your support and advice. It has been immeasurably valuable to me, and I am not sure I would be handling it as well (ha!) as I am now were it not for you sharing your thoughts and situations.
 

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I think your wife is confused.. this young man has come along and turned her head with puppy dog looks and soppy notes... It will wear off..

Perhaps she feels (rightly or wrongly) that she has been missing out on something, and that she'll find it with lover boy..

All you can really do is continue to be your normal loving considerate self, and wait to pick her up when the puppy love inevitably dies out.

For a lasting love, you need more than soppy poetry. You need to be able to rely on someone that will always be there when you need them, and will take care of you when you are ill, cheer you up when you are unhappy..

That's you.. she'll figure it out.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I'm afraid, Stav, that my luck and time has run out. She told me last night that she is not willing work on our marriage because she doesn't want to. She wants what he gives to her, and she won't change her mind. Her head knows it is wrong and it won't last, but her heart tells her otherwise. Her heart will always beat her head. At any rate, she has asked for a separation and we will soon be getting an attorney.

I guess now I need to learn how to find a mate, not just hit on women.
 

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Poor you :(

A separation might help you both focus on what you want from life, it might even show her what a fool she is being.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I already know what I want in life. I always have. I wanted a family. We were talking about starting one this summer. We even had names picked out. And in a matter of 4 months, it is all gone. All gone. Everything I have ever done has been for the benefit of my family. Everything I have been building has been for a family.

It was everything she wanted too. With his help, in just 4 months she replaced me with him in all of her hopes and dreams. In just 4 months she erased 10 years of history and is incapable of looking at me with loving eyes. She can no longer see a future with me.

She chose all of this. She could choose to undo it all. There was nothing wrong enough with our marriage to so completely and totally destroy it this quickly.

How do I move on when nothing makes sense? If I had done something wrong, I could understand. But she says that it really has nothing to do with me, and may actually have nothing to do with him. She just wants to start again. There is no reason. How do you come to terms with something that happened for no reason?

I love her so much and want so badly what we almost had, that I can't let her go. She has actually said that she might try to work on our marriage (probably just to say she tried), but she doesn't know if she wants us to make it. She has admitted to me that she knows that if she and I both wanted it and worked at it that we could probably be happy. She just doesn't know if she wants to do all that work, when a clean start may work out just the same if not better.

She doesn't know what a healthy, happy, loving relationship is because her parents never had one, none of her friends had one (they're either single or divorced), and none of my friends are local, nor have they made it this far. We literally have the best relationship out of anyone else in our lives, but somehow she has convinced herself that something is wrong.

This world is so messed up. I was cursed to love a defective woman, and I don't know if I will ever be able to love again.
 

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Broken Frag, she won't last with this man, it's a fling nothing more. You have to decide whether you want to be around to pick up the inevitable pieces when it goes pear shaped for her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
If you look at my "Can I save my wife" post in the general discussion forum, you can see the update. My wife is not right in the head, never has been. I was finally able to make enough sense of all this last night that I slept for more than 3 hours for the first time in 2 weeks (of course the ambien might have helped :))

I have give her everything I ever had. She has all of my heart and my soul. Whatever mistakes I have made in the past, which she still can't pinpoint, they were never done intentionally. She has always come first with me. She still comes first.

I am just sad that the time is coming, that I will finally have to be selfish and think of myself. I truly believe I was born to love her and to help her. And it looks like she was born to never be able to recognize real love. The love her mother has tried to show her, the love that I have given her for long. The only love she knows is that desire and passion that go with "in love." Because that stuff burns so brightly, she thinks that that is what true love really feels like. She doesn't understand that it always fades. That true love is there to take out the trash. True love is there when she gets sad and tries to make her happy. True love is coming back with arms wide open even after she has tried to throw it away.

Unfortunately, if she doesn't come around soon, I will have to ask her to leave. It is sad, we might actually separate before her 30 birthday in early May. We both were so looking forward to that celebration. So sad. None of this had to happen.
 

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"She had an affair, and now I am trying to win her back. Basically, she wants me to make her jealous. She wants me to be confident and have women want me. She thinks this might make her want me again."

I believe THIS is the problem. You are rewarding bad behavior. She hurt you, and you have made it clear that you are willing to do anything to save this relationship.

I know it already failed as I've read the followups, but I believe this advice can still help you. You see that confidence is a big deal, and to add to that, I'll say "not being bitter over the past".

In short: baggage will KILL your chances.

Be thankful you DIDN'T start that family yet. If you had gotten her pregnant, you'd now be entering the dating world with a baby mama tethered to you for life. Both you and your ex-wife will always be a part of each others lives, and many people just don't want to deal with that.

The trick here is to NOT give her what she wants, and NOT bend over backwards to placate her. As was also said, she's only going to get bored and seek out something new -- even with her new man.

The real trick here is to move on -- easier said than done, but better done than dismissed.

Yes you are hurt, yes you were wronged. You have every right to be upset and angry, and it will stay with you for as long as you let it.

You will meet someone who shares your dreams, and who would not ever consider disrespecting you the way your ex-wife did.

Imagine how much better off you will be in 2 years when you have a new special lady and are achieving your dreams, and your ex-wife has laid waste to another relationship.
 

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Sorry to hear about that. I hope that you take your time for yourself and resolve any issues that make you insecure at this point. I'm sure you can find someone that will be not only interested in you, but also will fall in love with you. Good luck.
 
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