Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 14 of 14 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello all first time posting here.

I am in a bad way with my long term girlfriend. We have been living together for about 2 years now been together for 3. She has two kids that I'm crazy about and them about me. Here's the problem. I'm sorry this may be a little long.

So for the past year we have been having some problems. They seem to get bad and then things get good again. I can't say why because I am clueless as to what happens.

So my girlfriend she had a hysterectomy several years ago afr her 12 year old was born. Her hormones have been really out of whack since so I wonder if that could be part of the problem. We've been talking about that a lot lately and unfortunately she has yet to make the move. I ask her about it and I
ll get some reply like "why don't you quit worrying about my hormones"

My girlfriend is a huge flirt. It's not just flirting though she gets to talking real sexually with other guys. I found out because I put a keylogger on the computer after she started acting shady. Underhanded yes but I found out things that I needed to know and addressed and they worked out. However I was not smart and honestly forgot to uninstall it after the trial period ran out and she found it. Bought the program and used it to spy on me. Which I wasn't doing anything wrong anyways so I really didn't care.

Months passed and she once again started up with starting arguments,acting weird,and wanting me to move out. Which I did agree and started putting back money to move out. As it got closer to time she didn't want me to move out and started telling me about how much she loved me and such. So I stayed.

Now she is on such a cycle again. Wanting me to move out. To which I am once again putting back money to do so. It's strange though. While I'm doing this she is telling me how much she loves me. If I go out she says she misses me and wants me to stay in. I figured out her facebook password and got to looking on it and she has started talking to some guy and has told friends that she is really attracted to him. I noticed she is also telling him all sorts of untrue things about me even. Also she is saying we fight a lot. Which we really don't. Typically we may have a blow out every couple of months unless she's on one of her rants about me. Which I never do understand how they come about.

When she gets to talking about me moving out it's always out of nowhere. When she goes off on me it's always out of nowhere. She will bounce back and forth constantly. Last week it was moving out. This week she's been telling me she loves me and cuddling up to me and asking me not to go out and talking about our future. Then she doesn't understand why I get so confused on whether to go or not.

Aside from that she has a lot of issues with money. She gets paid one day and will be broke a couple days later with nothing to show for it. Her daughters have been getting aggravated because they are complaining to me that she is getting to where she lies to them about stupid things. She can't even say why we won't work out. She just says she's not unhappy with me and I'm good to all of them just that it's not the right relationship.

I know it sounds like I'm saying she's a horrible person because she's really not. She just has some issues that I don't understand and don't know what to do about them. I've been beaten down into the ground and a shadow of who I used to be. Any advice?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,361 Posts
Run.

It sounds like she has a serious problem. Without more detail it's impossible to hone in on whether she might have a mood disorder or a personality disorder, but both are possible.

If you aren't ready to leave, I would suggest that when you set aside money for the purpose, you set some guidelines for yourself:

- Don't stop saving just because you decided to stay.
- Don't let anyone know where the money is or how much you have.
- Establish a minimum amount that will always be in reserve. You might save $1,500 and decide that you won't let it go below $1,000 even if things are rosy. This way, when things get bad enough that you do have to leave, you'll be ready and won't be easily manipulated into staying.

The situation you are in is not going to get better with time, and probably not with counseling either. Possibly with counseling IF she is aware of her behaviors AND aggressive about wanting to change, but I'm not seeing that in your post.

Best wishes. I think you're going to need them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I've actually have wondered that myself. She was tested when she was kid but they didn't find anything. I know there are 3 people in her family that do suffer from a mood disorder.

I've thought about getting counseling for myself but I don't have insurance to do so. I'm just so tired of feeling beat down and depressed.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,361 Posts
Mood disorders have a tendency to worsen over time.

You may be able to find a counselor that operates on a sliding fee scale. There are a couple ways to go about finding them.

You can do an Internet search for "sliding fee cityname" to search nearby areas. You can also ask your city's local health department if they know of one in your area. Often religious organizations (notably Catholic and Jewish synagogues) sponsor them, too, and the counselors aren't automatically religious just because you're going there. If you have some large churches in your area, you can call them to ask or inquire when you're attending.

Sliding fee services can actually let you see a counselor for free, in some cases. One agency in my area, for instance, offers treatment for free to those earning less than $20,000. I think the next income bracket results in a $15 per visit charge.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,582 Posts
"Her hormones have been really out of whack since so I wonder if that could be part of the problem. We've been talking about that a lot lately and unfortunately she has yet to make the move."

If this is a hormonal problem, she's the only one that can change this. You have to put your foot down and make it a condition of keeping the relationship together that she get this fixed. Otherwise, you should not put up with the mood swings.

As for the facebook stuff, dig deeper on that. If she's having an emotional affair, you will have to expose it and/or get out.

BTW - if she has a keylogger on your computer, she may be monitoring TAM and what you say.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
She doesn't. I was given a new computer the other day for an early Christmas and no one has the passcode to it but me at the moment.

How should I go about exposing it? If I tell her hey I hacked your facebook it turns into a bigger problem
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
"Her hormones have been really out of whack since so I wonder if that could be part of the problem. We've been talking about that a lot lately and unfortunately she has yet to make the move."

If this is a hormonal problem, she's the only one that can change this. You have to put your foot down and make it a condition of keeping the relationship together that she get this fixed. Otherwise, you should not put up with the mood swings.

As for the facebook stuff, dig deeper on that. If she's having an emotional affair, you will have to expose it and/or get out.

BTW - if she has a keylogger on your computer, she may be monitoring TAM and what you say.
I actually checked her facebook a few minutes ago and there was a whole conversation about if they were to have sex. I looked again a couple minutes ago and she erased the conversation. There was even a section about her just needing to get a "big black guy to get me to leave" he's black not that it matters but apparently she told him I won't leave
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,372 Posts
I've been beaten down into the ground and a shadow of who I used to be. Any advice?
Consider whether this is who you want to be and how you want to live your life. If this is how you've ended up after 3 years with her, then you can look forward to more of the same. Unless you are ok accepting her as she is, then you need to move on.

That's what dating is for. You learn who the other person is, and if it's not working, then you move on and free each other to find someone else to be with that works better.

If your life sucks being with her, you can move on and improve your life simply by getting rid of the suck.

She just has some issues that I don't understand and don't know what to do about them.
They are HER issues. YOU can't fix them, or her. And she has shown no signs of being interested in fixing anything.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
450 Posts
This could very well be her hormones; nonetheless, if she cared at all about you or the relationship.....she'd do whatever she had to to take care of HER hormone issue!

Have you paid attention to the on again/off again attitude she has in relation to whether or not she has $$ in her pocket? Could she be using you for financial reasons? Could you simply be her security blanket if you will?

I agree with Kathy - save money to get out no matter what's going on in the relationship. And honestly, once I had what I needed to do so, I'd probably make my stay/go decision easy for her and leave.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
Wow! Ok, she's cheating on you on Facebook. Do YOU really want to stay with HER?

I agree with Kathy and others: save the $ to get out. Don't tell her you're doing this, and don't stop saving if things go well for a while.

Even if the best of all possible worlds comes true, and she gets some hormone replacement and turns into a sweetheart, you could always spend your "escape" money on a nice vacation.

Sadly, I suspect it's not going to get better. I have heard that you can't really accurately test for mood disorders in children. The tests aren't that accurate on children, and many disorders don't appear until adulthood.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Wow! Ok, she's cheating on you on Facebook. Do YOU really want to stay with HER?

I agree with Kathy and others: save the $ to get out. Don't tell her you're doing this, and don't stop saving if things go well for a while.

Even if the best of all possible worlds comes true, and she gets some hormone replacement and turns into a sweetheart, you could always spend your "escape" money on a nice vacation.

Sadly, I suspect it's not going to get better. I have heard that you can't really accurately test for mood disorders in children. The tests aren't that accurate on children, and many disorders don't appear until adulthood.
I do really love her and I'm still processing the whole facebook sex convo to even really be able to think clearly

She talks about getting the hormone replacement but I don't think she ever truly will.

I called my local church to see if they would be able to help me out. It's a huge church that participates in a lot of charities and they said it would be about 48 hours before they could get back me
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,377 Posts
Dude, you don't need our advice here. You know what to do. Sack up.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Dude, you don't need our advice here. You know what to do. Sack up.
Prior to this I needed advice. It's a difficult situation that from the outside looking in is easy to see. From my perspective it's not that easy to just walk away from everything. The factor that I am in love with her love her kids like my own is a big problem for me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,361 Posts
I get that. Sadly, though, you need to love yourself first. If you don't, the relationship won't benefit, and you'll set a bad example for the kids. Do not accept unacceptable behavior, friend. You deserve better.

As long as she is being secretive, I'd suggest saving that $$ quietly and continuing to monitor without letting her on to what you know. That will help you get clarity on just how much mistreatment you're suffering, and it will help you make a final cut when it's time to walk.
 
1 - 14 of 14 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top